The Rules of Regret (25 page)

But
there was one thing that he was still linked to.

“
She thinks she
’
s pregnant?
”
I said it again, and I realized I
sounded like one of those wind-up dolls, because nothing out of my mouth was
new. It was all on repeat.

Lance
’
s blue eyes softened slightly, like
remorse was pulling at their corners just enough to provide a hint of
transparency. He truly did wear the look of regret.
“
Oh my God, Darby. I
’
m so sorry.
”
He reached out for me, but I pressed
into the wall even harder, though there was nowhere else to go.
“
You have to understand how sorry I
am.
”

“
I understand.
”

His
head snapped up like a rubber band.
“
You
do?
”

“
We weren
’
t enough.
”

“
Darby
—”
Torin called out from his corner of
the room. He had his hand on his face, and blood coated it as though he
’
d been finger painting with only red
paint. Though Lance
’
s
eyes appeared mildly expressive, Torin
’
s
were a completely readable.
“
Stop
Darby.
”

“
No, I get it.
”
I shook off Torin
’
s attempts to come to my defense.
“
We never were. I don
’
t know who I was kidding
…
I
’
m not right for you and the life you
want to lead.
”

“
Darby, you
’
re everything
—”

“
No,
”
I reiterated,
“
I
’
m not. I wasn
’
t the right person to pick up the
phone that night. I wasn
’
t
the one you were supposed to fall in love with. It never should have been me.
The fact that there have been all of these other girls over the years should
have been proof of that. You
’
ve
always been searching for something more, because we weren
’
t enough.
”

Lance
finally looked like he
’
d
been slapped in the face, and the way he drew his chin back made me realize he
felt the impact of my statement and much as I felt the weight of it as it fell
from my lips.
“
Is
this about Anna?
”

“
It
’
s always been about Anna.
”

His
brow strained painfully.
“
We
were kids, Darby.
Kids
.
”

“
And what are we now? Because I don
’
t feel like an adult. But I don
’
t feel like a child, either. I
’
m stuck in some weird in-between and
I don
’
t
know how to get out.
”
I breathed in deep through my nose, feeling the air finger out into my lungs.
“
And I think I
’
ve spent too long hoping you were
going to be the one to pull me out. Like I could cling to you and somehow be
able to move forward with you, because you seemed to have a path you were on.
”
I swallowed and pinched my eyes
together, not wanting to cry. Lance would interpret that one way. Everything
was always about him. But these tears that pressed the back of my eyes
—
they weren
’
t for him. They were for me. He could
never understand that.

“
But you didn
’
t help me move forward,
”
I continued. Torin sat down on the
couch, his elbows digging into his knees, his head in his hands.

Lance
’
s mouth hung open, like somehow it
helped him process the words.
“
I
don
’
t
understand.
”

“
Of course you don
’
t. Because it
’
s not about you. It
’
s about me. And you don
’
t know me.
”

“
But I do.
”
Lance
’
s tone took on a pleading. He walked
the path across the room to get to me and placed his hands on my hips, pulling
me to him. Torin kept his head in his hands and I was grateful, because I didn
’
t want him to see this. Even though
there was nothing intimate in it, I didn
’
t
want him to see Lance with his hands on me. It would provide a visual and I
didn
’
t
want him to have that image to build upon.
“
I know how you hit the snooze button
three times every morning before finally rolling out of bed. I know that you
like one packet of sugar and two spoonfuls of honey in your tea. I know that
you like sleeping with the window open at night, but hate what the salty air
does to your hair. I know that you want to have two kids
—
a boy and a girl
—
and you want to
name them Jacob and Abigail. I know you Darby. You can
’
t tell me that I don
’
t.
”

Torin
didn
’
t
lift his head, didn
’
t
even make eye contact with either of us, but his voice startled the silence and
drew our attention when he said,
“
But
did you know that she blames herself?
”
He finally looked up, his hands still fisted over his mouth, his eyes straining
with anguish.
“
Did
you know that she
’
s
carried a burden that wasn
’
t
hers for the past six years?
”
He shook his head.
“
And
did you know that she
’
s
incredibly brave?
”
I felt the memory of the wind on my face high up on that rope in the tree.
“
That she puts her fears aside to do
what is asked of her? She doesn
’
t
like letting people down, most of all herself. But she
’
s completely fine
—
to a terrible fault
—
with others letting
her down. And she
’
s
had a lot of practice in that with you.
”
Torin and Lance exchanged a heated glare.
“
Did
you know that she has been living her life as some sort of guilty tribute to
her sister? That she
’
s
that
incredibly selfless that she
would give up on her own dreams in order to keep Anna
’
s memory alive
—
however crazy that
made her? And do you know what you
’
ve
done with that? You
’
ve
completely hijacked her. You let her take on your own dreams, never once
thinking she might have her own somewhere deep in there.
”
Torin stood to his feet. His face
was mottled with gashes and blood, but he was beautiful. In fact, he was
stunning.
“
Because
you didn
’
t
take the time to look. You didn
’
t
take the time to look for her.
”

Lance
’
s jaw pulsed and I could hear his
teeth grit together. He dropped my hands and twisted at the waist to face Torin
in aggravatingly slow motion.

“
I
looked
for her.
”
Torin thrust his index finger into his own chest. His eyes welled. He pressed
his finger in harder.
“
I
found her.
”

My
own tears spilled down my face so freely
—
so
fast
—
that
I couldn
’
t
sweep them away quickly enough. And I was grateful Lance
’
s back was to me; even more grateful
that Torin
’
s
eyes were locked with mine. That the
‘
I
love you
’
I
’
d failed to speak earlier was now
pouring out of me so visibly. He said it back, too, not with words, but with
the understanding expression cloaking his bruised face.

“
This is ridiculous.
”
The comeback was weak and empty, but
I realized that
’
s
exactly what Lance was. I
’
d
always thought he was this strong, larger than life figure. But life
—
I
’
d come to find out
—
was pretty damn
large. It coiled and wove and spun its own story, threading together tales to
create an intricate, confusing saga. We didn
’
t get our own book. We were all part
of the same, infinite one. My story didn
’
t
exist apart from Lance
’
s.
His didn
’
t
exist apart from Clara
’
s.
And now she was a part of it all, and so on and so on. We weren
’
t chapters. We weren
’
t even sentences. My part in it was
as insignificant as a letter on a page. I
’
d
contributed to humanity, but not much. I wanted it to feel like more. I wanted
my life to be worth reading.

“
This is completely ridiculous,
”
Lance said again.

“
Maybe, but so is trading in someone
as incredible as Darby for what
—
a
one-night stand?
”

“
I didn
’
t trade her. I
’
ve never traded her. I
’
ve just made a lot of mistakes in my
past. I
’
m
not proud of that.
”
Lance ran his hand over his mouth, then ripped his fingers through his dark,
gelled hair.
“
It
wasn
’
t
like I meant to get Clara pregnant.
”

“
Of course you didn
’
t. But you might have. And now what?
Do you honestly think you and Darby can go anywhere from here?
”

My
stomach rumbled, but not because I was hungry. Just empty, like always.

“
She
’
s not saying it
’
s mine. If she really is pregnant. We
have it all figured out,
”
Lance retaliated, like it even mattered anymore.
“
My parents have talked to her
parents. She has a boyfriend and he
’
s
agreed. It all works out fine. Everyone is fine with it.
”

“
As in,
”
Torin began to clarify,
“
you
’
ve paid off her boyfriend to keep his
mouth shut and say it
’
s
his.
”

“
Do you even know what this would do
to my family?
”
Lance
’
s
voice boomed through the hotel room.
“
Do
you have any clue how this could tarnish everything?
”

“
I think I have an idea.
”

“
I don
’
t think you do.
”
Lance shook his head with a force
that I could actually feel as the air whipped past me.
“
It would
ruin
us. It
’
s
a scandal that could take down everything my family has ever worked for. And
Congressman Reynold
’
s
family. There is no choice but to do this. I have no choice.
”