The Rules of Regret (23 page)

The
towel around me began to sag, laden with the water that continued to flow from
the showerhead. Torin twisted his arms tighter to keep it in place, not what a
typical nineteen-year-old boy would do, but Torin wasn
’
t typical. We
’
d established that from the get-go.

“
I went back to our cabin and Randy
was there, dangling from the exposed beam in the ceiling. And God, he
’
d used my belt, Darby.
My belt
. He couldn
’
t have used his own damn belt?
”

I
turned my head slowly, angling into his to offer some sort of comfort, but I
doubted it helped much. Gestures like that had never helped me much.

“
You hear these stories where someone
is charged with a crime because they left their gun out without a lock on it
and someone else fired it. Didn
’
t
matter that the owner had nothing to do with the actual incident. That
’
s how I felt. Like somehow leaving my
stupid belt lying around was the same as handing Randy a loaded gun.
‘
Here you go, bro. Feel free to take
your life with this thing that I use to keep my pants from falling off my ass.
’
“

“
Torin
—”

“
The worst part?
”
he continued as though he hadn
’
t heard me interject. Maybe he hadn
’
t.
“
He left me the letter. Like addressed
to me and all. As if I didn
’
t
already feel responsible enough, now I had to be the one to share his suicide
note with our parents. And you know what it said?
”

I
shook my head.

“
That he decided to clean up his mess
so Mom and Dad didn
’
t
have to. The irony wasn
’
t
lost on me, Darby. That just moments earlier I
’
d been so angry that my Dad was
literally cleaning up after me. Stupid worries of a twelve-year-old. And here
was my brother, literally terminating his own existence, like that would clean
up the
‘
mess
’
he
’
d made. He
’
d slept with some camper and
apparently she was now saying he
’
d
raped her. She was going to go to the police with it. Press charges. Threaten
to shut down the camp. So instead of telling anyone, he just killed himself.
Like that was the best option? Like it would clean up his
‘
mess?
’
No, it just created an entirely new
one. One
we
had to live out, not him.
”

As
he spoke, Torin reached around me to twist the faucet off. My body went
instantly cold as the towel hugged my skin, water collecting at the hem of the
cotton, trickling down my legs. I turned around to face him, and he drew me
into his chest, his fingers tangling in my knotted wet hair.

“
I saw her picture in your book,
Darby. I wasn
’
t
trying to snoop or anything. It just fell out when I opened it up,
”
he confessed quickly.
“
I want to know everything about you,
and she seems like a pretty big part.
”
With his thumb and index finger, he pulled my chin up and in that instant, the
notion flickered through my brain that I might actually love him.

No
one asked about Anna anymore. No one cared. Not even Lance. No
—
no one cared,
except for Torin. So in the hotel shower, wrapped in a towel, streaked with
tears, I thought I loved him, because he tried to see me, he wanted to know me.
Even if he was right, even if I was just a mirage to him, he tried so hard to
make me real. And I needed to be real. More than he knew.
“
She was a redhead, and she had
freckles, but she
’
s
not you. Is there a reason you are trying to be her?
”

 
I shook my head like I was saying no, but
I wasn
’
t
saying no to him. I was saying no to the past six years, to the life I had
created, to the identity I
’
d
stolen. He couldn
’
t
have been prepared for what I was about to say, because hell, I wasn
’
t even prepared to utter it, but when
the words tumbled from my lips, he didn
’
t
falter even slightly, almost as though he knew it was coming. As if he knew all
along.

“
She was my sister. She
’
s dead. And she
’
s sorta the reason I was with Lance.
”

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

The
reporters had been camped out in front of our house for three weeks. But once
they
’
d
found her body, all of that disappeared. The media, the spotlight
…
Anna
’
s memory. The case went on for over
two years, but it didn
’
t
bring me any comfort in hearing the final verdict. Of course he was guilty. He
’
d kidnapped, assaulted, and killed
three other girls before her. The mountain of evidence was stacked so high
against him that he could have suffocated under the crushing weight of it. Too
bad he didn
’
t.
Too bad he didn
’
t
have Torin
’
s
belt.

“
She ran to the store two blocks away
to grab some poster board she
’
d
needed for her history project.
”
We stared up above us, both of our ankles crossed, our hands stacked on top of
one another behind our heads like we were looking up at the stars rather than a
hotel room ceiling. I focused on the intricate molding around the fan, how the
wood coiled and twisted on the circular medallion ornamenting it. My hair was
still damp from the shower, but the pillow soaked up much of the moisture.
“
Dad would have driven her, but he was
at my older brother
’
s
soccer game.
”

Torin
nodded and the mattress jolted a bit underneath us.

“
But we did that
—
fended for
ourselves. There were a lot of kids in my family, so we learned to be
self-sufficient. We also learned to look out for one another. Anna and I always
did. You
’
re
not supposed to have a favorite sister. But she was my favorite. Hands down,
Anna was my favorite.
”

Because
I
’
m sure he could sense I needed it,
Torin slipped his arm out and slid it under my shoulders, so that his hand and
fingers curled around onto the other side.

“
Anna asked me to leave the porch
light on, and I totally forgot. Lance had called for her about the project
—
mistaken my voice
for hers at first
—
and
I got stuck on the phone with him. We talked for two hours
—
all the way into
dark
—
and
I didn
’
t
think about her once. I forgot to leave the light on and I didn
’
t even realize she was missing until
my parents woke me up in the middle of the night. She never made it home.
”

My
lips didn
’
t
tremble, my breathing didn
’
t
change. Because it wasn
’
t
like this was some emotional confession. These were the facts. The irrefutable
facts about the night my sister died.

“
You weren
’
t supposed to be her lighthouse,
Darby. It wasn
’
t
your responsibility to keep her safe.
”

“
I
’
m not saying
—”

“
You think I don
’
t see that? That you think it was
your fault?
”
The bed dipped as he rolled onto his side. His green eyes were huge
—
wide
—
and he faced me
like he wanted me to look into them. Like somehow he could shake me out of this
with just his stare. But I
’
d
been trapped here for six, long years, and it would take more than a
convincingly warm look to pull me out. I loved him for what he was trying to
do, but the reality was that not much else could be done.
“
This was not your fault. Forgetting
to leave the light on was not your fault.
”

“
She didn
’
t know her way home. We
’
d just moved to the peninsula. What
if she
’
d
wandered all those hours trying to find her way back in the dark?
”
I fired my responses at him, because
these, too, were facts.
“
She
was last seen two miles away from home.
”

He
shook his head hard, like he was angry, but not with me. Maybe with the
situation. Maybe with the facts. Whatever it was, the emotion it drew out of
him made me feel less alone, because no one had experienced my story for quite
some time, and I liked Torin being a part of it, even if it was a terribly
depressing, hopeless story.

“
The porch light was not your fault,
”
he said.

“
The belt was not your fault,
”
I replied.

Silence,
minutes of it, fell around us like flakes of snow, drifting down, coating us
with a chilling cold that drew up the fine hairs on my skin. Torin used his arm
underneath me to roll me up onto his chest, and I locked my fingers together
behind his back, his heart sandwiched against my ear. I listened to it
—
listened to the way
it kept a metronomic beat
—
and
in that moment, it felt like it belonged to me. And when I felt my own beats
slow to match the consistent rhythm of his, it felt like it became a part of
me, too.

Lance
always said I had his heart. But I didn
’
t
anymore. That was just something he began reciting when we were young, but
nothing I
’
d
felt recently. You couldn
’
t
just declare something like that and have it stay true forever, especially when
he
’
d
given pieces of it to others along the way.

There
was more to love than words. A relationship had a pulse, a pattern, like the
heartbeats written and recorded on an EKG. The ups and the downs, but
consistencies nonetheless. Falling out of that pattern, that was when things
got dangerous. The flat line was the killer, and my relationship with Lance had
already died many deaths.

What
I
’
d recently found to be true was the
idea that giving away your heart was a steady process, one that occurred
gradually until all the beats morphed together. My beats. Torin
’
s beats. They were suddenly the same
percussion ramming inside our beings. And so was our guilt. And so
—
I
’
d also discovered
—
were our stories.

“
She
’
d said once that she would give
anything for the chance to date a guy like Lance. All through junior high
—
he was all she ever
talked about. Anna + Lance in big, puffy cursive all over her notebooks and
inside her locker.
”
Torin craned his neck up to look at me as I spoke, his eyes straining against
the dark to meet mine.
“
And
he
’
d
called for her that night. After two years, he finally noticed her.
”

“
So you fell in love with him as what,
some type of tribute to her?
”

“
I fell in love with him because he
was there for me at a time when I needed love. And Anna never had the chance to
fall in love. I guess I wanted to experience that for her.
”

Torin
’
s heart picked up speed, and for a
moment, we were out of sync.

“
You can
’
t live someone else
’
s life, Darby,
”
he said, a hushed whisper.

“
I owed it to her.
”

“
You are not Anna.
”

“
I know
—”

“
But you
don
’
t
,
”
he interrupted, placing a lot of
emphasis on that last word.
“
Because
if you did, things would be completely different. You wouldn
’
t be stuck in this emotionally
stunted realm where your sister
’
s
life ended. You wouldn
’
t
have dated a guy that couldn
’
t
be any more wrong for you
—
like
seriously, Darby,
he
’
s all wrong
.
And you wouldn
’
t
be trying to keep her memory alive by making up some sordid alternate ending to
her story,
”
Torin said, lifting up off the bed to sit. He
’
d changed into dry clothes, just as
ratty and worn as before: a pair of flannel pajama pants and a navy blue shirt
that read,
“
I
Survived the Summit
”
across the front. I joined him, cross-legged, face to face, no longer heart to
heart.
“
Her
story
—
however
tragic
—
ended
that night. Randy
’
s
ended at the cabin. That was it for them. They are done. End game.
”

“
But she
’
s still a part of mine. Even if she
’
s gone
—
she
’
s still a part of mine, Torin. She
’
s still a part of me.
”

“
Of course she is, but she
’
s not
it
, Darby. You are your own person. Honestly, it
’
s a little creepy to think that you
could take over her existence.
”

“
I didn
’
t start off trying to do that
—
I just wanted to
keep her memory alive. I joined the basketball team just like she had. I
listened to the same music she did. I felt close to her when I was doing the
things she loved, you know? Don
’
t
you get that?
”

“
Completely. But did you ever begin to
love those things on your own? Like apart from loving the idea that she loved
them?
”

I
didn
’
t
answer.

“
Being with Lance made you feel close
to Anna,
”
Torin sighed. He raked his hands through his hair, like saying the statement
was exasperating and he had to slough off some of that exhaustion.

“
But being with you makes me feel
close to
me
.
”

Eyes
flashing, Torin
’
s
head snapped up with such force that it had to have hurt his neck, even just a
little. He paused deliberately, and then said with an apologetic tone fastened
to his voice,
“
He
broke up with you, Darby.
”

“
What?
”
I
’
d busied myself with the mindless
task of picking my nails, but my hands fell to my lap as soon as he spoke.
“
What? When did
…
?
”

“
Lance broke up with you,
”
Torin continued, pressing up onto
his knees.
“
You
’
d gotten mail from him before, back
at Summit, back in the office. There were a few letters.
”
My mouth was dry. My tongue ripped
up and down it as I forced a swallow.
“
I
kept them from you, because keeping Lance from you felt like the best thing to
do at the time.
”

The
hotel room blurred around me like the dressing room
’
s Tilt-a-Whirl antics from earlier.
These rooms and their spinning axis
’
s.
I needed everything to slow down and lock back into place.

“
I realize now that was wrong, I do
—”

“
Yes, because stealing someone
’
s mail is illegal in nearly every
state I
’
m
fairly certain
—”
I had to search for the humor in this.