The Scarlet Thread (45 page)

slowly. “I came prepared to defend myself. I’ve gone over my

side of our conversation a hundred times over the last few days.

One word of condemnation and I could’ve nailed your ears to the

wall. And here you go, taking the wind right out of my sails.” She

lifted her wine glass. “Congratulations.”

Sierra didn’t know what to make of her words. She’d known

this meeting would be difficult. Clenching her hands together,

she prepared herself for whatever Audra had to say. She’d keep

silent and
listen
if it killed her.

Audra gave a soft mirthless laugh. “I
am
a snob, Sierra. I
am
a

social climber. The one thing I’ve always wanted—and found

absolutely impossible—is to fit in. The only person in this world

who really loves me is Stephen. God knows why. From the time I

was a child, I’ve had one great talent: alienating people.”

She fumbled with her silverware and then, as though catching

herself in a terrible faux pas, put her hands in her lap. She looked

across the table, directly into Sierra’s eyes, and tipped her chin.

“Sometimes, I’d see a look on your face that made me cringe inside. That time on Rodeo Drive, for example, when I bought that

ridiculously expensive dress and asked you why you didn’t buy

something, too. I don’t even know why I did it. To put you in

your place, I suppose. But you looked at me, and for just an instant I saw myself through your eyes. It wasn’t pretty.” Her hand

shook slightly as she lifted the glass of white wine again. “So, for

whatever it’s worth to you, Sierra, I apologize, too. Truce?”

Sierra felt a sudden rush of warmth toward this woman she’d

always seen as her enemy. She caught a glimpse of Audra’s insecurities and loneliness and ached for her. Lifting her glass of

lemon-lime, she smiled. “I think we can do better than that,

Audra. We can be friends.”

When Audra said Alex and Elizabeth didn’t seem to be getting

along, Sierra asked that Alex be considered a forbidden subject. “It’s

over, Audra. He’s with someone else. It hurts to talk about him.”

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“I signed the papers for him last week. It’s only a matter of time.”

An odd look crossed Audra’s face. For a moment, she seemed

desperate to offer some advice. Then, showing uncharacteristic

sensitivity, she changed the subject.

They parted amicably. Audra said lunch would be on her next

time. “I’ll take you to La Serre.”

“You will not,” Sierra said with a laugh. “One of the things

that used to bother me most was knowing I couldn’t reciprocate.

So you can treat me next time, if you like, but after that, we’re going Dutch and someplace the average Joe can afford or we don’t

go anywhere at all.”

“Oh, all right,” Audra said, pretending to be annoyed.

Sierra returned to work feeling elated. She had gone to lunch

expecting to face Audra’s disdain and condemnation. Instead,

she had come away with a new friend, one she might have had

three years ago if she hadn’t been so caught up in herself.

When she arrived home, the children were already there,

Clanton working on his math at the kitchen table while Carolyn

talked on the telephone to Pamela. “Marcia says to say hi, Mom.”

“Tell her hello back and remind her we’re going shopping this

Saturday.” Alex was taking Clanton to Magic Mountain again.

Friday afternoons, he always picked up Carolyn and spent the

evening with her.

Dropping her purse on the counter, Sierra slid onto one of the

kitchen stools and began opening the mail. In the pile was a

course catalog from a local junior college. Scanning it, she saw

several business courses that would help her at her job. While

practical, they didn’t look as interesting as one entitled “Creative

Decorating on a Limited Budget.”

She chuckled. Now, there was a course that sounded right up

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her alley. But she’d already done all the decorating she could afford for the time being, and she had several projects that were yet

to be completed. The old armoire that had belonged to Alex’s

parents was stripped and ready for staining, and she had the fabric she wanted to cover the wing chairs. She’d also bought the

acrylics to start on the flower-and-leaf trim she’d drawn for Carolyn’s bedroom.

Tossing the catalog aside, she picked up the bill for her car insurance. Since she had traded in the BMW for a Saturn, her

rates had dropped drastically.

Carolyn hung up and slid off the stool, opening the refrigerator. “I’m hungry. What’s for dinner?”

Sierra grinned. “How about hot dogs with macaroni and

cheese for a change?”

“Aw, Mom. Can’t we order Chinese tonight?”

“Not tonight, honey,” she said, opening a letter from Alex’s

parents. She wrote to them once a week as she’d always done.

They were inviting her and the children to spend Thanksgiving

with them. María tactfully mentioned Alex had plans to go East

this year. When she finished the letter, she left it out so the children could read it.

It was a long drive to Healdsburg, but it was time. She hadn’t

been home since her mother died.

The telephone rang again. “It’s for you, Mom.”

She took it. “Hello?”

“Marcia said you signed the divorce papers.”

Her heart jumped at the sound of Ron’s voice. “News travels

fast,” she said, keeping her tone light.

“I heard about it the day Marcia did. I waited this long so

you’d have a chance to adjust.”

Sliding off the stool, she put the kettle on. Audra claimed there

was nothing like a cup of herbal tea to settle jumpy nerves. Ron

asked about the children and her new home. She didn’t have to ask

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it to him three weeks ago, along with the news of her divorce.

“Do you see Alex very often?”

“When he stops by to pick up one or both of the children,” she

said, sensing his caution with her. He was sensitive enough not

to ask if Alex was planning to marry Elizabeth Longford.

Ron told her Judy’s baby was crawling and Arlene had taken

two weeks’ vacation in Baja. “She came back tanned and sassy.”

Sierra laughed. She’d forgotten how easy it was to talk to him.

Relaxing, she asked about several of the teenagers she’d worked

with while at Outreach. He told her one was back in high school

and another had moved to Kansas to live with her grandmother.

He filled her in about several others who had entered the program. They talked for over an hour before Ron said, “I’d like to

take you to dinner Friday evening,” and obliterated Sierra’s

sense of security and ease.

“I don’t know, Ron. I’m not sure I’m ready.”

“I’m asking you to dinner, Sierra. I’m not asking you to marry me.”

“I know, but I have a feeling the one might lead to the other.”

He gave a soft laugh. “That was frank. Am I that transparent?”

“You were open and honest, Ron. I was blind and stupid.”

“You were trying to keep your life together.”

“I’m still trying.”

“Welcome to the human race,” he said. “Look, what if I promise I won’t even try to hold your hand for six months? Unless you

give me permission to do so, of course.”

She laughed. “It would be
such
a relief not to have to fight men

off,” she said dryly. He teased her for the next five minutes, making light of her concerns in order to alleviate them. “Give me

some time to think about it,” she said finally, noticing the way the

children were looking at her. They knew it wasn’t their father on

the telephone.

“I’ll call you Friday.”

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She had a feeling Ron knew Friday evenings and Saturdays

were Alex’s time with the children and her time alone to think.

Marcia knew, and it seemed whatever she knew, Ron knew.

“Who was that?” Clanton said when she hung up the telephone.

“Ron Peirozo.”

“Hey! Are we going sailing again?”

She looked at her two children and saw the idea didn’t seem to

bother them in the slightest.

“Maybe.”

I have been going over it again and again in my

mind.

I want to figure out what could have happened.

James said he was going down to the stream to

try to catch some fish for supper. When he did

not come back by dusk, I sent Hank to fetch him.

Hank came running back screaming Papa was in

the creek and would not get up. He was dead

when I got to him.

It took the two of us to pull James up onto the

bank. He was white and bloated and had a cut on

his forehead. He must have slipped on a rock,

fallen, and hit his head. He must have been

knocked senseless. How else could he have

drowned in less than a foot of water.

Events are plaguing me. I can not think of anything but the Horrible Thing I did to James.

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home. I washed and dressed him in clean clothes

to prepare him for burial. I was so tired by the

time I finished, I could do no more until morning.

Joshua dug the grave, but it took all of us

working together to half carry, half drag James to

his resting place. I knew it would be a fearsome

thing to get him in it and did not want the children to see. Worst of all, I could not leave the

blanket on James. We have none to spare and

winter upon us. So I told Joshua to take them

back to the wagon.

I unrolled James out of the blanket and he went

down into the earth with a terrible thud. And then

I cursed him. I was so mad at him that I had to do

it. I cursed him for dying and leaving us. I cursed

and wept and covered him over with dirt.

And now I can’t stop thinking about him down

there in the cold.

How could you leave me like this, James? How

could you bring me and our babies two thousand

miles and then die at the end of the trail? I should

have listened to Aunt Martha and married

Thomas Atwood Houghton. I would have been

living in a nice warm house with plenty of food.

My children would be warm, fed, and safe.

You never even thought of building us a cabin

and now we are left here in the wilderness shiver3 4 8

ing in what is left of our wagon. You never

thought about how few supplies we have left and

winter on us. You just had to keep looking west,

didn’t you, James? You just had to keep on wondering what was over the hills. You never had a

single thought what would happen to us if anything happened to you! And what will happen

to our children if I die having this baby you put

in me?

I hate you, James Addison Farr. I hope you rot

in hell for what you have done to us.

I don’t mean it. I’m so scared, James. What am

I going to do without you? Where do I go to find

help? How are we going to survive in this wild

place?

There is this terrible silence without you, this

ache inside that gets heavier every day.

Better had it been me who died. You would

have known what to do to keep the rest alive.

I used the last of our salt pork and flour this

morning. The rain is heavy upon us. The cold

goes into my bones. Joshua says we should go on

to the Fort. I am too sick to make it. I told him to

take the children and go.

We ate the last of our beans tonight. Joshua

leaves in the morning for Fort Ross. Hank,

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