The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (3 page)

The truth is, when we reveal our weaknesses people feel more at peace with us and are more likely to respond by expressing a desire to be there for us than by rejecting us. Everyone has a dark side, and yet everyone walks around pretending that they don’t. This is the unending pretense. Intimacy requires that we be prepared to reveal our dark side, not in order to shock or hurt the other person, but so that he or she might help us battle with our inner demons.

My own experience suggests that willingness to share our weakness is a tremendous sign of faith, which encourages other people to let down their guard. When we share the ways we struggle with our weaknesses, we encourage people in their own struggles. And as long as we are sincerely striving to move beyond our weaknesses and become the-best-version-of-ourselves, we discover, much to our surprise, that we are more loved because of our weaknesses. We are most lovable not when we are pretending to have it all together, but in our raw and imperfect humanity.

Crazy, isn’t it? We want to be loved, but we are so afraid of rejection that we would rather be loved for being someone we are not than be rejected for being who we are. Maturity comes once we learn to cherish the self. From that moment on, we would rather be rejected for who we truly are than loved for pretending to be someone we are not. That is self-esteem. It’s not a feel-good thing. It’s practical, it’s real, and it cuts to the essence of the hardest choice we ever make: the choice to be ourselves. It is in this respect that Hugh Prather’s powerful, profound, and yet disarmingly simple observation has always touched me: “Some people are going to like me and some people aren’t, so I might as well be me. Then, at least, I will know that the people who like me, like me.” That is what we all yearn for, to be loved for who we are. And that is why it is so important that we let go and allow ourselves to experience the self-revelation of intimacy.

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ONELINESS AND
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DDICTION

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f we are unwilling to overcome this fear of rejection there will always be a sense of loneliness in our lives. Loneliness comes in many forms. Some people are lonely because they simply have no contact with other human beings. Others are lonely even in a crowded room. Some people are lonely because they are single. Others are married and lonely. Others yet are lonely because they have betrayed themselves and they yearn for and miss their lost self. Loneliness seems to be one of those things that is always lurking in the background, one of life’s experiences that we never conquer, something that is never overcome once and for all.

The sensation that nobody really knows us can be one of the most debilitating forms of loneliness, and is fostered by our unwillingness to reveal ourselves. The paradox that we want to be known and loved for who we are, but refuse to reveal ourselves because we are afraid of rejection, creates a tremendous loneliness in our lives.

It is here that we come full circle. We yearn for intimacy, we run from intimacy, we tell ourselves that we need to be free from emotional ties, but we end up in slavery of one sort or another.

Unwilling to participate in the rigors of intimacy, we try to fill the void created by the lack of intimacy in our lives, and thus are born our addictions. The bottomless pit that is created by the absence of intimacy demands to be fed, and if we refuse to feed it in a healthy way, we will find ourselves feeding it in ways that are self-destructive. Some try to fill the void with alcohol, others with shopping, some with drugs; others will fill it with unending series of short-term relationships, and in a culture that equates intimacy with sex an ever increasing number of people try to fill the void with sexual experiences. The result is a growing emptiness. Each of these is just a different attempt to fill the void created in our lives by a lack of genuine intimacy. All addictions are the result of trying to fill that void in an unhealthy way.

Addictions are among the most powerful self-delusions we experience. Addictions are created by self-delusions and in turn create even more self-delusions. Addiction disconnects us from reality. So, why do we gravitate toward the objects of our addictions? The reason is profoundly simple: because they change the way we think about ourselves. Our addictions pull us further and further into our self-centered imaginary worlds, while intimacy draws us out of our self-absorption and into a real experience of others, the world, and ourselves. Our addictions keep our illusions alive, and the one illusion our addictions are most faithful to is the belief that we are the center of the universe.

Genuine intimacy comes to liberate us from our loneliness, but when we run from intimacy we often find ourselves enslaved by addiction.

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NTIMACY AND THE
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OUR
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SPECTS OF A
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ERSON

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ntimacy is not just physical, nor is it just emotional. Intimacy is multidimensional. It mysteriously combines all four aspects of the human person: the physical; the emotional; the intellectual; and the spiritual. It is therefore important to understand intimacy as it affects and is affected by each of the four aspects of the human person.

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is easy. It begins with a handshake, a smile, or a kiss on the cheek. But physical intimacy can also be easily manipulated. Good politicians know this as well as anyone; they spend their lives shaking hands and kissing babies, because they know that even the slightest of physical intimacies creates a feeling of closeness and belonging. I have noticed that those who are particularly good at engaging people during a brief encounter always use both hands in the greeting. They may shake your hand with one hand, but they will also touch you gently on the arm or the shoulder with the other. Doing so creates that extra sensation of closeness, even oneness. If such a small gesture can create a feeling of oneness, how extraordinary the oneness must be when two people engage in sexual intercourse.

This explains the bond created between a man and woman through the act of lovemaking. It also explains the pain people feel after separating from a person with whom they have been sexually active. The two have become one, and then have been torn apart. Even years later, people still experience the pain and disorientation of the separation. In a very real way through the sexual act, two become one, and uniting is significantly easier than separating. Many have the sensation of disorientation after a sexual relationship has come to an end, but they are oblivious to the cause of this disorientation. Multiple sexual partners can increase this disorientation. With each sexual encounter, we leave a piece of ourselves with the other person and this creates the sense of being pulled in different directions, torn in two pieces, which in turn produces disorientation.

So while I think it is important to stress that sex does not equal intimacy, it is also important to point out that the power of our sexuality is much more than physical. In fact, while the second half of the twentieth century would claim to have fully investigated our sexuality, I would propose that we have not even begun to understand the multidimensional impact that sex has on the human person. Our sexuality is a powerful instrument in our quest to become the-best-version-of-ourselves; we can use it, as we can so many things in this world, to further that cause or to hinder it. Life is choices.

It is also important to note that all of our relationships have a physical aspect. Even in a relationship that is completely confined to the telephone or to cyberspace, you are still experiencing the other person through your senses (speaking and listening or sitting, typing, and reading).

Some may claim that there is no physical dimension to their relationship with God, but again, while this relationship is predominantly spiritual, it has a physical aspect. Some people kneel to pray; others sit in a meditation position; some raise their hands; others walk while they perform their spiritual routines and rituals; and some prostrate themselves for prayer. Our physical bodies are the vehicles through which we experience everything in this life.

Emotional Intimacy

The second aspect of the human person is the emotional. Emotional intimacy is much harder to achieve than physical intimacy. It requires a humility and vulnerability that most of us are simply not comfortable with at first. The process of becoming intimate emotionally is therefore a slower one. Even in the best relationship, with the most genuine person, it takes time for us to be convinced that it is safe to let our guard down. And if we have been hurt or betrayed in the past, it may take longer. The labyrinth of our opinions, feelings, fears, and dreams is something we guard closely, as we should.

At the same time we shouldn’t allow the fear of revealing ourselves to become our natural state. As we go through the seven levels of intimacy, we will see that even in the most secondary relationships there are ways that we can reveal ourselves without making the other person feel uncomfortable and without threatening our sense of personal self. Life is a self-revelation. Every time we encounter someone, we should reveal something about ourselves to that person. They might not even know your name, but if you smile at them and say “Thank you” or “Good morning” they will know something about you. By being polite, courteous, and friendly, you have revealed something about yourself.

Revealing ourselves in positive and healthy ways is at the core of intimacy. In the emotional realm, intimacy with self and others is driven by observation—self-observation, in the first place, knowing how certain people, situations, circumstances, and opportunities make you feel; observation of others, in the second place, opening your eyes, ears, and heart to how people respond to you. What is their body language? Are people comfortable around you? If not, what makes them uncomfortable? Is there something you should change about the way you relate to people?

Emotional intimacy cannot be isolated from the other three aspects of the human person. In a thousand ways that we have not even begun to understand, the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual are interconnected.

Intellectual Intimacy

The third aspect of the human person is the intellectual. Like emotional intimacy, it takes longer to establish than physical intimacy does. The creation of intellectual intimacy requires both a variety of experiences and a number of experiences. It is established through conversation, by experiencing different cultural and political events, and in any number of ways that draw out our own personal philosophy of life.

It is important to note that while people who have similar views may establish intellectual intimacy faster at the beginning of a relationship, you need not have identical points of view on all issues to sustain a vibrant relationship. Similar views on things such as what you believe to be the purpose of a relationship are of obvious importance, and can be pivotal in enabling a relationship to grow and thrive. But holding similar views can also be detrimental to a relationship. You may agree on an issue, but your view may be biased or even erroneous. But because you both hold the same view, your bias goes unchallenged, and the narrowmindedness that caused the bias to begin with is only confirmed by your relationship.

Intellectual intimacy blossoms in a nonjudgmental environment. Different people have different ideas. Your ideas are not always right, and their ideas are not always wrong. Keeping an open mind is an important part of intellectual intimacy.

If we are to really delve into the beauty and mystery of the way people think, we must condition ourselves to look beyond the ideas themselves. Beyond the ideas themselves we can discover more about the people we love than the ideas will ever tell us. Too often, we prejudge people because of an idea they express. The secret is to look beyond the idea itself and discover what has caused a person to believe that such an idea is good, true, noble, just, or beautiful. What is most fascinating is not what people think or believe, but why they think and believe what they do.

Intellectual intimacy is much more than simply knowing what a person thinks and believes about a variety of issues or topics. It is about knowing how a person thinks—what drives, inspires, and motivates his or her ideas and opinions.

Spiritual Intimacy

The fourth aspect of the human person is the spiritual. Spiritual intimacy is the rarest and the most elusive form of intimacy. Some couples who have spiritual intimacy have virtually identical traditional religious beliefs, while other couples who enjoy this rare intimacy have tremendously different beliefs or ways of expressing their beliefs.

Spiritual intimacy begins with a respect for each other and blossoms in the idea that the lover will do everything within his or her power to help the beloved become the-best-version-of-himself or herself. It stands to reason, then, that the lover would never do anything to harm the beloved, or to cause him or her to become less than who he or she was created to be. This is the first principle of spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy, while it does not demand consensus on all issues, does demand consensus on our essential purpose.

Our essential purpose is the foundation upon which we build a life filled with passion and purpose. You are here to become the-best-version-of-yourself. This essential purpose also provides the common purpose for every relationship. The first purpose of every relationship is to help each other become the-best-version-of-ourselves. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is between husband and wife, parent and child, friend and neighbor, or business executive and customer. The first purpose, obligation, and responsibility of a relationship is to help each other achieve our essential purpose.