The Seven Levels of Intimacy: The Art of Loving and the Joy of Being Loved (5 page)

Most people can’t see that about me. They find the idea preposterous and tend to say things like “But you speak in front of thousands and thousands of people!” It doesn’t matter. That’s different. Only the people close to me become aware, over time, of this strange shyness.

As I write, it occurs to me that I will have to force myself to introduce myself to some strangers in the days and weeks ahead. Doing so will help me grow. It will help me become more comfortable with myself.

In one way or another most people are not comfortable with themselves and their discomfort can limit the way they experience intimacy.

If we are going to experience intimacy—that is, to reveal ourselves—to some extent we have to know ourselves and be comfortable with ourselves. I say “to some extent” because nobody knows himself completely and nobody is completely comfortable with herself. The effort to truly know yourself is a lifelong effort, much like our quest to become the-best-version-of-ourselves!

The first step toward experiencing true intimacy is getting comfortable with yourself and learning to enjoy your own company.

B
EYOND THE
M
YTH

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he seven levels of intimacy will help you move beyond the myths and illusions that our modern culture sustains regarding relationships. Free from these myths and illusions, you will be able to move into a genuine understanding and experience of intimacy in your own life. If we can move beyond our one-dimensional physical view of intimacy, and learn to explore the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects of ourselves and each other, we will find reason to spend a whole lifetime together.

The one-dimensional view of intimacy as sex simply does not have what it takes to sustain a relationship. And while our primary goal in a relationship is not simply to sustain it, intimacy can only truly be experienced in a relationship that spans many years.

Intimacy is mutual self-revelation. It is two people constantly discovering and rediscovering each other. It is an endless process because our personalities have an endless number of layers. Conversation, shared experiences, and simply spending time together peel back these layers and reveal new and different aspects of our personalities. Intimacy is also a constant rediscovering because our preferences change, our hopes and dreams change, and as a result so does the way we want to spend our days and weeks. Intimacy takes time.

If we can move beyond the myth that intimacy equals sex and learn to enjoy discovering another person in all the wonderful ways in which that is possible, then relationships have the power to bring a level of fulfillment and satisfaction that no other human activity can produce.

There is a song entitled “Faithfully” by the band Journey that speaks about life on the road as a musician, the endless hours on the bus traveling under the “midnight sun,” and the separation from family and friends that such a life creates. One line has always struck me powerfully. In contrast to the challenges being on the road creates in his relationship, the performer sings, “I get the joy / Of rediscovering you.” Too often, we make the monumental mistake of thinking we know a person. This assumption can stop a relationship from growing and can smother the growth of a person. It is impossible to know a person completely. And because we are constantly changing as individuals, there are constantly new facets of our personalities for those who love us to discover.

The real tragedy is that once we fool ourselves into believing we know a person, we stop discovering that person. If they do something that doesn’t fit our mold for them we say, “Why did you do that? That’s not like you!” The process of discovering another person in a relationship is endless. The discovering and rediscovering of each other is intimacy. It is not a task to be finished so you can move on to the next task. It is a process to be enjoyed.

You may think you know just about everything there is to know about your partner, but you will be amazed at what you are missing out on if you open yourself up to taking another look. So, from time to time, it may help to approach each other as if for the first time. In this way you will experience the joy of rediscovery.

Intimacy is not always about seeing new things. Sometimes it is about seeing what has always been before you, but in a different light or from a new perspective.

 

 

 

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UR
I
NTERESTS
C
HANGE

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ommon interests aren’t enough to create a dynamic relationship. They can be a part of one, certainly, but they don’t guarantee the success of a relationship. Interests change. People lose interest in different things, and if the strongest bond you have with a person is your common interests, he or she might lose interest in you when his or her interests change.

Every day relationships break down and people break up. Some people end relationships because they don’t feel fulfilled. Others break up when they are not growing. Some break up when they are challenged to grow and don’t want to change. Others meet someone else who at that moment seems more appealing for any number of reasons. Some people end a relationship because they simply get bored. And some break up for reasons that they are either unaware of or stunningly unable to articulate.

Too often we spend too much time asking or wondering why it didn’t work out. Why do friendships end? Why do people break up? These are great questions, but surely the more important question is, What keeps people together? And not just together, but together in dynamic relationships. For the primary goal of relationships is not simply to stay together. Many people succeed in staying together but have failed relationships: their relationships are surviving but not thriving.

Common interests are not enough to build a great relationship on. You may enjoy hiking together or traveling together, biking together or listening to live music together. You may share a love of movies, museums, art, animals, or any number of interests that can draw people together. But it is a mistake to think that these provide a solid foundation for a long-term relationship. In fact, common interests can very often turn out to be a false foundation, creating the illusion of a deeper relationship than was actually present.

Common interests quite simply are not enough to build a dynamic long-term relationship upon. You need a common purpose. If we are going to further our understanding of relationships, questions such as, Why do people break up? and What keeps people together? are great questions. But it is pointless to try to experience the deeper realities of relationship unless we are willing to start with the most fundamental question: What is the meaning and purpose of relationship? Any attempt to improve our understanding and deepen our experience of relationship without first thoroughly examining this question is an exercise in futility of monumental proportions.

What keeps people together in dynamic relationships? A common purpose. Why do people break up? Because they have no sense of common purpose; or they lose sight of their common purpose; or their common purpose becomes unimportant to them.

So in order to create extraordinary relationships we have to develop a common understanding of a shared purpose. But before we can understand the purpose of our relationships, we must first understand our purpose as individuals.

W
HAT
I
S THE
M
EANING OF
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IFE
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hat is the meaning of life? What are we here for? What is the purpose of our existence? Modern popular culture proclaims directly and indirectly every day that life is merely a pleasure-seeking exercise. “If it feels good, do it” seems to be the credo. It is this same voice of popular culture that creates the confusion between sex and intimacy, between common interests and a dynamic relationship, and that perpetuates a thousand other myths and illusions that lead men and woman ever deeper into the despair of purposelessness. There is nothing more depressing than not knowing your purpose.

Our essential purpose is to become the-best-version-of-ourselves.

This one principle will bring more clarity to your life than all you have ever learned put together—and, more than that, it will help you to live and celebrate all the great wisdom you have learned in your journey so far.

Everything makes sense in relation to our essential purpose.

What makes a good friend? Well, take a blank piece of paper and jot down a list of your friends. Now go through the list and place a check next to the names of those who are helping you become the-best-version-of-yourself!

Now go back through that list and place a check next to the names of the people whom you are helping to become the-best-version-of-themselves, because that’s what makes you a good friend.

What makes a good movie? Is it one that has a lot of action or a cast of Hollywood icons and celebrities? No. A good movie is one that you walk out of saying to yourself, “That movie inspired me to want to be all I can be.”

What makes a good book? Is it one that has a great cover or has an interesting story line, or that is on the best-seller list? No. A good book is one that you finish thinking, “That book inspired me to become the-best-version-of-myself.” (Create your own best-seller list of books that can help you achieve your essential purpose. Share the list with your friends.)

Why do we go to work? Is it just to make money? Certainly, at times, we look at work this way, but once we discover our essential purpose we begin to see that making money is the secondary value of work. The primary value of work is that when we work hard and well, paying attention to the details of our work, we develop character. Work is just another opportunity to achieve our essential purpose. Through any honest work, we have the opportunity to develop virtue, the building blocks of the-best-version-of-ourselves.

What is the meaning and purpose of marriage? Is marriage just two people living together and paying the bills together? No. The meaning and purpose of marriage is for two people to challenge and encourage each other to become the-best-version-of-themselves, and then to raise their children and educate them to become the-best-version-of-themselves.

Why is the human spirit so energized by sports? The reason is that sports are a microcosm of the human experience; they are an opportunity to have other human beings challenge us to change, to grow, to improve ourselves, and to explore our potential. We love to participate in sports and we love watching others participate, because in sports we see the human drama unfolding before us. And that drama is the quest to better ourselves, to stretch beyond our limitations, to become the-best-version-of-ourselves—to achieve our essential purpose. When I look at stadiums filled with thousands of people watching baseball, football, and basketball, I see whole generations yearning for something they have lost—their essential purpose. Devotees may argue that one sport is inherently superior to another. I prefer to think of all sports as a chance for us to have other human beings push us to excel, and in this they are all equal.

What makes a good meal? Is it just the foods you have been craving all day? No. A good meal is one that helps you become the-best-version-of-yourself.

What is good music? Music that inspires you to become the-best-version-of-yourself is good music.

Everything makes sense in relation to our essential purpose. And everything should be embraced or rejected according to how it affects our essential purpose. The things that help us become the-best-version-of-ourselves should be embraced and celebrated. Those things that stop us from becoming our best selves should be avoided and rejected. Life is choices. In every moment the only question we need to ask ourselves is, Which of the options before me will help me become the-best-version-of-myself? This one question summarizes a worldview, a philosophy of life, and provides the ultimate decision-making tool.

In a world where so little makes sense, understanding our essential purpose makes sense of everything. In a world of clutter and confusion, understanding our essential purpose brings a startling clarity to the moments of our everyday lives. In a world filled with experts and their contradictory theories, understanding our essential purpose helps us to listen once again to the quiet voice within.

Modern popular culture is very skeptical of, even cynical about, the idea that our existence might have some common and universal meaning. The phrase “the meaning of life” has almost become a negative cliché and is used tongue-in-cheek more often than it is to imply serious examination of the purpose of our existence. But without a clear understanding of our essential purpose, our lives become aimless, rootless, and adrift.

Your essential purpose is to become the-best-version-of-yourself. Plant that one idea at the center of your life. Base every decision upon your essential purpose. Make every choice with your essential purpose in mind. Place this one idea at the center of your inner dialogue and you will very quickly understand why ideas change the world.

Everything makes sense in relation to our essential purpose, especially relationships.

W
HAT
I
S THE
P
URPOSE OF A
R
ELATIONSHIP
?

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elationships only make sense in relation to the overall purpose of your life. If we are unable to establish this essential purpose for our lives, then we will find it very difficult to bring focus to our relationships. But now that we have established our essential purpose, it is much easier to understand the meaning and purpose of our relationships. The purpose of relationships is for you to help others become the-best-version-of-themselves, and for others to help you become the best-version-of-yourself. Every relationship, however formal or casual, long lasting or fleeting, is an opportunity for the people involved to further their essential purpose by becoming the-best-version-of-themselves.

What makes a good relationship? A good relationship is one where we are challenged and encouraged to become the-best-version-of-ourselves, while we encourage and challenge others to become all they are capable of being. What defines troubled relationships? Troubled relationships are those that lead us away from our essential purpose, those that encourage us to be lesser-versions-of-ourselves.

The full and dynamic experience of relationship is therefore dependent on a clear understanding of our essential purpose.

So, where do we start?

There is a question that you have probably already started grappling with, and whose answer may have set off some alarms for you. That question concerns your primary relationship. It may be with your husband or wife, your girlfriend or boyfriend, your partner, your significant other, your fiancée…but the question remains the same.

Is your primary relationship helping you to become the-best-version-of-yourself?

Are you helping the other person to become the-best-version-of-themselves, and are they helping you to become your best self?

Your first answer may very well be no. And that’s okay; deeper examination will probably reveal that in some ways the relationship is indeed helping us become the-best-version-of-ourselves, but that in some other ways (that are perhaps more glaring) it is, quite simply, not helping us to do so.

The other very real possibility to consider is that as a couple you have never thought of your essential purpose. It may be that in a subconscious way you always knew that the primary purpose of your relationship was to help each other to grow, but together you have never articulated it. If that is the case, then this discovery of your essential purpose is the most important discovery of your relationship, and if you allow it to, it will mark the beginning of an extraordinary period in your relationship.

Whether you have been married for thirty-five years, have just become engaged, or have just started dating, place your essential purpose at the center of your relationship. Do so by placing it at the center of your decision-making process.

Life is choices. In every choice we choose the-best-version-of-ourselves or some second-rate version. With every choice, we can improve our relationship or diminish it. When faced with a choice, when an opportunity presents itself, whenever we have a decision to make, the first question we need to ask ourselves is, Which of the opportunities before me will help me become the-best-version-of-myself?

By constantly asking this question in the moments of the day, and then by living the answer, we place our essential purpose at the center of our lives and at the center of our relationships.

At the breakdown and breakup points of relationships, I often hear people say, “Nothing makes sense anymore.” Why doesn’t anything make sense anymore? Perhaps we need to ask, Did anything ever make sense?

Nothing makes sense anymore for these couples because they have lost sight of the essential purpose of their relationship. In many cases, they were never consciously aware of this great purpose. They may have enjoyed a mutual pleasure or some common interests, but their relationship never matured to include the great ambition of extraordinary relationships—the pursuit of our essential purpose.

Think on it for a few moments. Everyone knows that one in two marriages in the United States today ends in divorce or separation. This has sparked the cultural conversation regarding a “crisis in commitment.” From here, the discussion has turned to the fact that during your career you are likely to change jobs six times more often than your grandfather did. The case is furthered by statistics that suggest people are waiting longer and longer to marry, and that, indeed, fewer people are marrying at all. People even seem unable to commit to and follow through on a simple diet and exercise routine. The talk of a crisis in our ability to commit gathers more and more momentum with every passing day. Yet the real crisis is not in the area of commitment, but in the arena of purpose. Without a clear understanding of our purpose, it is all but impossible to commit to anything and follow through on that commitment. It is purpose that inspires us to fulfill our commitments. We don’t have a crisis in commitment; we have a crisis of purpose.