The Skeptics Annotated Bible (232 page)

(7.2b)
“The LORD said unto Gideon, The people that are with thee are too many … lest Israel vaunt themselves against me, saying, Mine own hand hath saved me.”

3 Now therefore go to, proclaim in the ears of the people, saying,
Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him
return and
depart
early from mount Gilead.
And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand.

(7.3a) So God told Gideon to get rid of some of the men. Start with the chicken shits.

(7.3b)
“Whosoever is fearful and afraid, let him … depart … And there returned of the people twenty and two thousand; and there remained ten thousand.”

(7.4-5) And that got rid of 22,000. But 10,000 were still there, which was still too many. But God had a plan.

God told Gideon to have the soldiers go down to the water to get a drink. Those that lap water “as a dog lappeth” are the natural-born killers that he’s looking for, while those that get down on their knees to use a cup or their hands should be sent home to mama.

4 And
the LORD said unto Gideon, The people are yet too many; bring them down unto the water
, and I will try them for thee there: and it shall be, that of whom I say unto thee, This shall go with thee, the same shall go with thee; and of whomsoever I say unto thee, This shall not go with thee, the same shall not go.

(7.4)
“The LORD said unto Gideon, The people are yet too many; bring them down unto the water.”

5
So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself
; likewise every one that boweth down upon his knees to drink.

(7.5)
“So he brought down the people unto the water: and the LORD said unto Gideon, Every one that lappeth of the water with his tongue, as a dog lappeth, him shalt thou set by himself.”

(7.6-7) So Gideon brought them all down to the water to get a drink. Out of the 10,000 non-chicken shits, only 300 lapped water like a dog. These were the few good men that God was looking for. Because God knows that real men pee standing up and lap water like dogs.

6
And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men
: but all the rest of the people bowed down upon their knees to drink water.

(7.6)
“And the number of them that lapped, putting their hand to their mouth, were three hundred men.”

7 And
the LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you
, and deliver the Midianites into thine hand: and let all the other people go every man unto his place.

(7.7)
“The LORD said unto Gideon, By the three hundred men that lapped will I save you.”

8 So the people took victuals in their hand, and their trumpets: and he sent all the rest of Israel every man unto his tent, and retained those three hundred men: and the host of Midian was beneath him in the valley.

9 And it came to pass the same night, that
the LORD said unto him, Arise, get thee down unto the host; for I have delivered it into thine hand.

(7.9)
“The LORD said unto him, Arise, get thee down unto the host; for I have delivered it into thine hand.”

10 But if thou fear to go down, go thou with Phurah thy servant down to the host:

11 And thou shalt hear what they say; and afterward shall thine hands be strengthened to go down unto the host. Then went he down with Phurah his servant unto the outside of the armed men that were in the host.

12 And the Midianites and the Amalekites and all the children of the east lay along in the valley like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea side for multitude.

(7.12a) The Midianites and Amalekites had an infinite number of camels—well, maybe not quite, but at least as many “as the sand by the sea shore.” Which is strange since God killed every male Midianite during the time of Moses, and yet here, 250 or so years later, they flourish like grasshoppers “without number.”

(7.12b)
“The Midianites and the Amalekites
[were]
like grasshoppers for multitude; and their camels were without number, as the sand by the sea.”

(7.13-14) Was Gideon worried about attacking a gazillion Midianites with an army of 300 water lappers?

No, because some guy had a dream about barley cakes and tents. The barley cake smote the tent and—well, anyway, it was a sign from God that he and Gideon would massacre the Midianites.

13 And when Gideon was come, behold,
there was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell,
and overturned it, that the tent lay along.

(7.13)
“There was a man that told a dream unto his fellow, and said, Behold, I dreamed a dream, and, lo, a cake of barley bread tumbled into the host of Midian, and came unto a tent, and smote it that it fell.”

14
And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon
the son of Joash, a man of Israel: for
into his hand hath God delivered Midian
, and all the host.

(7.14)
“And his fellow answered and said, This is nothing else save the sword of Gideon … into his hand hath God delivered Midian.”

15 And it was so, when Gideon heard the telling of the dream, and the interpretation thereof, that he worshipped, and returned into the host of Israel, and said, Arise; for the LORD hath delivered into your hand the host of Midian.

(7.16-20) Gideon gives each dog-lapper a trumpet and a pitcher with a lamp in it. And tells them to blow their trumpets while breaking their pitchers, yelling “The sword of the Lord and of Gideon.” So that’s what they did.

16 And
he divided the three hundred men into three companies, and he put a trumpet in every man’s hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers.

(7.16)
“He divided the three hundred men into three companies, and he put a trumpet in every man’s hand, with empty pitchers, and lamps within the pitchers.”

17 And he said unto them, Look on me, and do likewise: and, behold, when I come to the outside of the camp, it shall be that, as I do, so shall ye do.

18
When I blow with a trumpet
, I and all that are with me,
then blow ye the trumpets
also on every side of all the camp,
and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon.

(7.18)
“When I blow with a trumpet … then blow ye the trumpets … and say, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon.”

19
So Gideon, and the hundred men that were with him
, came unto the outside of the camp in the beginning of the middle watch; and they had but newly set the watch: and they
blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers that were in their hands.

(7.19) “So Gideon, and the hundred men that were with him … blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers that were in their hands.”

20
And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers
, and held the lamps in their left hands, and the trumpets in their right hands to blow withal:
and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon.

(7.20) “And the three companies blew the trumpets, and brake the pitchers … and they cried, The sword of the LORD, and of Gideon.”

21 And they stood every man in his place round about the camp: and all the host ran, and cried, and fled.

22 And the three hundred blew the trumpets, and
the LORD set every man’s sword against his fellow
, even throughout all the host: and the host fled to Beth-shittah in Zererath, and to the border of Abel-meholah, unto Tabbath.

(7.22) When Gideon and his water-lapping companions blow their trumpets, God forces all the enemy soldiers to kill each other.
God’s 48th Killing