Three Thousand Miles (4 page)

“Why? You two were going strong what happened?”

“It was a mixture of things over the last couple of weeks we haven’t been spending anytime together
.
I think
that I ha
ve literally talked to him twice in the past two weeks
!
”

“Have you grown apart?”

“Yes I don’t know if it’s me that changed or him but something is different and I don’t know what it is
.
”

“H
ave you tried talking to him about how you feel?”

“I don’t want to
;
I fear what he might say
.
I don’t know what he is thinking anymore and it scares me,” Sophie says and I can tell that she is hurting over this. Things have changed
dramatically
since I have been in here
.
I am no longer in contact with Adrian, Sophie and Dan’s relationship has gone to garbage,
and
I wonder what else has changed?

“Sophie
,
you and Dan are meant to be together
. Y
ou have to work things out with him you can’t lose him
.
”

“I know that he is the most special guy
that
I have ever been with
. B
ut I don’t
know if that is enough for me, A
lanna
.
”

“W
hat more do you want? He loves you and he treats you right
.
Sophie you don’t know how lucky you are
.
”

“A
lanna
,
I know all this but something inside of me is saying that he is not enough!”

“What do you want?”

“I know this is going to sound really jealous
, but A
lanna I want what you have
.
” I gasp,
as
I never knew that she felt this way.

“Sophie that’s not how you should live your life
and
what do I have that’s so special?”

“Alanna
,
don’t make me laugh
,
you have the two most gorgeous guys I have ever seen fighting over you
.
”

“T
rust me
,
that’s
not a good thing!”

“You see it is
,
not only do you have one amazing guy but you have two
. M
ost girls don’t get any and here you are with a choice of hot or hotter!”

“Sophie
,
you wouldn’t want this
!
”

“N
o
,
I think that I would!
”

“Y
ou can’t base your life on my experiences
. Y
ou have to work things out with Dan that’s the right thing to do,” I say
,
trying to convince her but somehow I do not think that she can be convinced!

“Alanna
,
I know what I want and it’s not Dan
.
”

“I can’t believe you are saying this how can you treat him like that?”

“Alanna
,
don’t you think that it’s hard on me? I hate myself for even thinking that I have the right to say that he is not good enough
.
I wish
that
I could love him more
. B
ut it doesn’t matter how hard I try I somehow can’t fully give myself to him
.
”

“I
f you feel that way then you still have to talk to him you can’t lead him on you know first-hand how that feels
.
” Sophie sighs and lies
back in the chair. She looks
very pretty today
. A
little overdone with the make-up but that is just Sophie. Her dark straight hair is tied up in a long high ponytail. She has on a tight red sweater and dark blue denim boot cut jeans with a pair of dark brown boots. She always looks good in whatever she wears with her tall curvaceous body
. S
ometimes I wish that I could look like her
. S
he is much taller than I am and has a shapelier figure than I have. The more I think of her
,
the more I think that she would be a better match for Michael
,
than I ever could
be
. I start to
wonder if maybe it is Michael that she sees
,
as more
,
and maybe it’s him that she wants!

Two

Even
ing draws closer and the
sky of New York is glooming dark. I look out the window and
I
think of Adrian
,
where is he? Why
hasn’t he been
in contact with me? Does he even love me anymore? So many possibilities about him are
rushing
in my mind. And over at the other side of my mind
, I wonder about
Michael and how
that
I owe my life to him and yet I haven’t even thanked him. I wonder where Michael is. He has possibly gone back to London
.
A
fter all
,
he did say that he was leaving just before we were shot. I could not bear
it if he has. A
lthough I love Adrian and I am heartbroken that he has left me
.
I still could not lose Michael and I really hope that I have not. I think back to when Michael asked me to go away with him. I think of his voice and the way his eyes were. He looked so sure, that
th
is
was
what he wanted
,
and I knew that he was heartbroken when I turned him down. I will always feel guilty for
bringing him into this. I have wished every second
, that
I have been awake
,
that Michael
had
stayed in his room that day. I cannot tolerate the thought of him being in pain and I know from my own aches how horrendous they are. However
,
if Michael had not of come with me that day then there is a strong chance that I may not be here today. I see how my mom and Sophie beam as they talk about the hero that is Michael. I will always be grateful to him but that did not stop me from getting annoyed when my mom was talking bad about Adrian. I felt so irritated at her words and I would never have expected them. Although Adri
an is not here and it looks as if
he does not care about me something inside of me is screaming out that he does care. The love he said he had for me could not have just gone away and I will never give up until he is back by my side. I long for him and his glowing green eyes
.
I wish that I could hear his deep English accent once again. I desire his kiss and his
kind silkiness that is hidden under
a cool
,
steel frame. The broken man
who
went through so much
,
as
a
child
,
that it is impossible for him to trust or love anyone. Yet he loved me and showed me nothing but that. He proved his love and he was about to ask me to marry him. However, the hands of which love is presented would not allow me to have him. God spoke and I was struck by lightning
.
I never got the chance to say yes or no and I feel that I was being punished for wanting both Adrian and Michael. No
-
one could be that selfish
,
yet I was. I led on Michael, I tore two brothers apart
and
I will never forgive what I did, and every second I wish that I could change how I feel. If only
,
I could just want one of them, my life would be much easier
,
however, I do not and I know that is my downfall. I feel in my heart that Adrian is all I want but if that were true then I could let Michael go.  I would not need Michael if I were so sure that Adrian is the guy for me. I long for my choice to be made
and
I wish that I could have one straight answer on how I feel. I am here in hospital and neither of them is here with me. If they cared
,
then why aren’t they
here
? My heart sinks as I draw in the only conclusion I have and that is
that
I have lost them both.

I toss and turn all night with images of Adrian in my head. The feeling I have in my stomach is like blades ripping into my skin. My teeth are permanently clenched from the pain and the drugs seem to t
ake no effect. I feel again,
that
this is possibly another one of my punishments that I have to take. I lay awake and stare up at the high dark ceiling. I reach over to the sliding table and pull it
weakly across to me. I sit up gently and slowly and grab the white phone. With one weak hand I scroll through my emails wondering and hoping that Adrian
had
contacted me. I am
,
yet again
,
disappointed when I see that he has not. I sigh as I read down the list and his name is not there. If only he could understand that, this is not his fault. He needs to move on from this now and put the past behind him. I survived and I strongly believe that it was the love
that I have for him which saved my life
. He was the last thing that entered my mind before everything went dark. The last image I saw was of his green eyes
,
I remember vividly in my mind the sound of his voice when he says my name. I feel a tear begin to run down my face and I quickly wipe it away. My mind is puzzled and I have no answers to how my life got so complicated. I never used to have any problems but now I have a ton. The capacity of worry that I have is consuming me and I cannot shake it off or even try to fight it. The weight of the world is on my shoulders and I cannot
fail at college as
I have in love. Mrs Henderson understood about my absence and she did try her best to make sure that I got to sit the all-important exams which never came to be. If all I have in life right now is, college then that will be my priority. I will get out of this hospital and I will gradu
ate. It is as Maggie always says,
careers are important and none
more
so than mine. The job which I want to pursue is ultra-close to my heart. Ever since Adrian told me his story, it has been drummed into my mind that helping children is
my goal in life. If I could
stop, the suffering of one child then that would make my job worthwhile. Helping and giving b
ack to the community is now what
my life is all about. I need to focus on this if I am to get through life without Adrian and Michael. Helping will be my passion and getting out of this hospital will now be my main concern.

“Alanna
,
please sit down
,
don’t try too much
,
” my mom says as she hurdles me back to the bed. She came early this morning and has been fussing ever since. I know th
at she is just worried but
it is still annoying.

“Mom I am fine and you heard the nurse
-
I have to move around as much as I can
,
” I say and my voice is not quite so weak or broken as it was yesterday. My mom does not reply she just sits down onto the chair and takes out her phone. Her face is not as gaun
t as it was yesterday and it looks as if
she is possibly
starting to accept this for what it is. I sit at the edge of the bed and look over to my mom as she types away on her phone.

“Have you heard from dad today?” I say in a quizzing voice. I cannot help but wonder
about
what my dad is doing in London. Possibly, he knows where Adri
an is. If he does not then perhaps
he is with Mr Jenkins who is sure to have heard from Adrian.

“Yes
,
he called first thing this morning he is ecstatic to hear that you are up and about
,
” she says and her smile is beaming.

“Did
he tell you who he was with?” S
he looks up from her phone and has an annoyed look on her face.

“Sweetie your dad is not with Adrian
and
I take it you have not heard from him either?” I know what she will say next when I tell her that I have not heard from him.