To Love and to Cherish (14 page)

So where did her sister go? Emma wrinkled her nose. Maybe she decided to take on the least favorite task: cleaning the boys’ and girls’ outhouses. That would be like Annie. If that were the case, then Emma didn’t mind fetching the cleaning rags from the buggy herself. Now was as good a time as any.

Still replaying the conversation with Thomas in her head, she strode past a long line of buggies. Would he come to the house this week? Surely Mrs. Brennaman would be willing to keep her grandchildren for an evening in the interest of seeing him finally leave behind his extended mourning period.

She inhaled the scent of summer. Dirt and leaves, it was—

A laugh floated on the air. A familiar laugh. Emma slowed her pace, scanning the buggies. There. Annie, her laughing face bright under her kapp, stood next to a buggy—not the Shiracks’ buggy. A straw hat blocked Emma’s view of the face of the man who stood next to her.

Then he threw back his head and laughed, a deep, hoarse laugh. Emma froze. That sound echoed in her head late at night sometimes, when she awoke from fleeting dreams of buggy rides and singings and sweet murmurs on dark country roads.

She whirled to leave.

“Emma? Emma! Wait, don’t go!”

She refused to stop. She had no desire to know why Annie stood outside talking to Carl Freiling.

E
mma, Emma! Wait, it’s not what you think.”

Emma ignored Annie’s voice wafting on a humid breeze that did nothing to cool her burning face. She picked up her pace until she trotted toward the schoolhouse. Rocks bit into the thin soles of her shoes. Dust from the dirt road clung to her sweaty face. The breeze that had stirred the humid air around her dissipated, leaving behind a dank stillness that reverberated in her ears. What was Carl doing with Annie? Annie had been on the periphery of the storm when Carl left, caught up in the billowing waves of Emma’s hurt and disbelief.

Annie’s hand caught her elbow and tugged. “Please, schweschder, stop.”

Emma breathed in and out. She slowed her pace, then ground to a halt. “You don’t have to explain. It’s not for me to know.”

Except they had chosen to do their courting in broad daylight on a dirt road filled with buggies.

Annie pushed strands of hair back under her kapp. Perspiration covered her rosy face in a light sheen. “It’s not what you think. He wanted to talk to me about you! He wanted my help to convince you to give him another chance.”

Emma walked faster.

“I told him to give you time. He argued that he couldn’t afford to
wait. That someone else has his eye on you. And he’s right, you know. You’ll have to make a decision.”

A twinge in Emma’s side forced her to slow a little. She put one foot in front of the other. She eyed the schoolhouse. Her secure, safe place. She glanced back. Carl leaned against the buggy, as if he didn’t have a care in the world. At least he hadn’t dared interject himself in the discussion. “Why is he talking to you now? Why did he come to the school?”

Annie dabbed perspiration from her forehead with a hankie. “He only just arrived with his nieces, Josephina and May. They’ll be your students this year. His sister is expecting and not feeling well. We ran into each other quite on accident. He asked me for advice. Emma, I think you should talk to him.”

“How can you say that, after what he did to me?”

“Because he loves you, and I think you still have feelings for him. You’ve been mooning around the house ever since he returned to Bliss Creek.”

“I’m not mooning; I’m mourning.”

“I know, I know.” Annie stopped at the steps to the school. She glanced around, then lowered her voice. “It’s hard, but we must go forward. Part of going forward for you is to find a partner. Maybe that’s why God brought Carl back into your life at this time.”

Emma groaned inwardly. She cared too much for him. There, she’d admitted it. Her feelings for Carl were complicated by a past where joy, love, pain, and betrayal had mingled until one was indistinguishable from the other. “I can’t. I have all these feelings for him, but I’m afraid to trust him.”

“He’s made amends. He’s returned to his faith. His family has forgiven him. With forgiveness, the slate is wiped clean and trust follows.”

Emma’s throat constricted. She couldn’t speak. The ache traveled from her lips down her throat into her lungs so that the very act of breathing hurt. How could Annie have any inkling of the pain it caused Emma to think about what Carl had done? The burden weighed on her. Not because of Carl, but because God expected her to forgive just as He’d forgiven her.
How, God? I’ve tried and tried
.

Say it and in time, you’ll learn to feel it
. Aenti Louise’s voice sounded in Emma’s head. She opened her mouth, closed it again. The words echoed inside her head, still unspoken. She couldn’t forgive him until she learned to see him as a friend only. To assign those feelings to their proper place. Then she would get her fresh new beginning. Only then.

Emma leaned toward Annie and whispered. “You were the one who said I should consider Thomas.”

“Has he…showed an interest?”

Luke and another man walked by. Neither appeared interested in the conversation. Emma waited for them to pass. “We can’t talk about this here. There’s work to do.”

Annie scowled. Emma scowled back. “Jah,” she said finally.

“Then you have a choice to make.” Annie’s frown disappeared. She looked exceedingly pleased with herself.

Emma inhaled, exhaled. They should finish up and get home. Leah needed their help with the laundry, the sewing, and preparing supper. Courting could not be allowed to get in the way of duty. She straightened her shoulders and lifted her chin. “Perhaps, since you’re already outside here, you can finish what you started at the outhouses.”

Annie frowned and didn’t budge. “At least give Carl a chance to speak his piece.”

Emma bunched up her apron with both hands. “I have work to do.”

“It will only take him a moment or two.”

“Fine.”

She walked on leaden feet back to the buggy, one hand on her aching side.

Carl straightened and touched the bill of his hat. “Hello, Emma.”

She inclined her head. “I have work to do.”

“Then I’ll talk fast. I know you don’t trust me, but I’m…I’m begging you to give me another chance. I can do better. I will do better this time. I promise you.”

Emma thrust her hands in the air. “How do I know you can keep that promise? Promises were made before and broken.”

“Then promise me one thing.”

“I don’t know if I can, Carl.”

“Promise me you’ll keep an open mind. We’ll start from scratch.” He bowed slightly. “I’m Carl Freiling. What’s your name?”

Feeling faintly ridiculous, Emma bowed back. “I’m Emma Shirack.”

“It is an honor to meet you. I wonder if I might call on you sometime.”

Her heart beat so hard, Emma feared it might explode in her chest. What about Thomas? Thomas deserved better than she could offer, and he had much more in common with Helen. He deserved someone with no reservations, someone with no boulders from the past weighing her down. Besides, he had been so tentative, chances were good he would change his mind, too. She bowed her head. “Sometime.”

A smile spread across Carl’s sunburned face. “You’ll see. You won’t regret it.”

She already did.

E
mma adjusted the flame on the gas stove in the crowded kitchen. Steam billowed from the pots of boiling water, making her feel as if she were swimming in a sweaty bowl of soup. Perspiration slid down her forehead and dripped on her cheeks. Using tongs, she lowered the first of several mason jars into the bath to sterilize them. Despite the heat, she loved canning. It meant making the garden’s bounty available all winter long. Besides, it kept her mind off her problem.

She’d said yes to two men. Two men who claimed to care about her. One had broken her heart. The other hadn’t. It was a simple choice. No choice at all. Yes she struggled with the unknown. She struggled with the unforgiven. If she chose Thomas, did that mean she hadn’t truly forgiven Carl? If she chose Thomas, how could she be sure he wouldn’t break her heart, too? To make matters worse, neither had shown up on her doorstep in the three nights since the school cleaning, and the suspense kept her awake long past dusk each evening.

Enough. She would set those thoughts aside and enjoy the day. Today they would put up the vegetables, ensuring the children would eat well this winter. Emma turned to check on Annie’s progress with the tomatoes. Her sister removed skins from blanched tomatoes with a deft touch.

Emma wiped at her own face with the back of her sleeve. “What about the cucumbers? Are they ready?”

Catherine, whose natural ebullience seemed to have gradually crept back over the last few weeks, held up a large pan. “Ready. Aunt Martha and Aunt Bertha have the beets ready, too.”

“Don’t forget us!” Lillie piped up. She and Mary and their three young nephews were having a fine time snapping green beans. “We’re helping.”

“Yes, you are very big helpers.
Hmm
, cucumbers first. Bread and butter pickles. I do so like them.” Emma smacked her lips. Dill pickles, sweet pickles, chowchow. They were blessed with an abundance of choices. “Do we have plenty of cucumbers and green tomatoes?”

Her cousins Ruth and Cindy laughed. “I don’t know, cousin.” Ruth puckered up. “You’re pretty sour sometimes. Maybe you should have the dill instead of the bread and butter pickles.”

“Very funny!” Emma tossed an onion at the girl. “The sour ones are for Leah.”

Ruth caught the onion, and the girls whooped with laughter. Even Annie grinned. Aunt Bertha and Aunt Martha exchanged quick, amused glances before fixing Emma with twin stern stares. They were right. Emma slapped a damp hand to her mouth.
God forgive me
. She’d never thought of herself as a mean or snide person. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Poor Leah has had a very hard time with this baby. We shouldn’t make fun.”

“Yes, poor Leah.”

Emma knew without turning. Her sister-in-law stood in the doorway. She’d heard. Emma sighed and wiped her hands on a dishtowel. She faced Leah. “We were just being silly. I’m sorry. Are you feeling better?”

Leah shook her head. “I don’t believe I’ll feel better until this baby arrives. I thought a glass of cool water might help. I’m so parched. Then I’ll get out of the way.”

“You’re not in the way. Sit with us a while.”

Leah’s gaze swept the room. “It’s very crowded in here.”

She turned and disappeared from sight.

No one was laughing now. Emma could almost hear Luke’s voice.
He would be disappointed in her lack of effort. In the time that they’d shared the house, it still didn’t seem like a home for everyone. She grabbed a glass and filled it with water. “I’ll be right back.”

She rushed through the dining room to the hallway that led to the front bedrooms. Leah spent a great deal of time in the room she shared with Luke. Resting or making clothes for the baby. Beautiful baby blankets and little quilts. She was quite a good seamstress. Emma should try to learn from her.

“What is that? Give that to me. Now.”

Leah’s angry voice, high and tight, carried down the hall. What was going on?

Emma picked up her pace and rounded the corner. Leah and Josiah stood in the hallway, both of them with glowering faces. Leah held out her hand. “I want it now.”

Josiah clutched a cell phone to his chest. “No. It’s mine.”

“Josiah, what are you doing here?” Emma stepped between them. “You’re supposed to be at the blacksmith shop.”

The anger in his face faded, replaced with something that looked like shame. “Caleb sent me home. He says I…he says I daydream too much.” Josiah snorted. “He says I’ll hurt myself or a horse if I don’t pay more attention.”

“So you decide to come home and talk on the telephone?” Leah interrupted. She held out a hand. “If you insist on violating the Ordnung, you can’t be here either. Give me that thing. I have to take it to the deacon.”

“No!” Emma set the glass of water on the windowsill. “If you do, Deacon Pierce could ask him to leave.”

“Josiah knew the consequences when he brought the phone in here. Now that we know what he’s done, we’re at risk if we
don’t
take it to the deacon.” Leah gave Emma a stern look. “You know that. You know we must do the right thing. He’s brought a phone into our house. That is forbidden.”

Her heart pounding, Emma tried to think. Josiah did know. She’d warned him already. She let him get away with it after the funeral
because she knew how anguished he was about Mudder and Daed. “Give him another chance. Please, Leah. He’s been through so much.”

“We’ve all been through a lot, and we’re not using telephones to talk to New Order Mennonite girls or listening to music on iPods.” Frowning, she shook her head. “Yes, I know all about it. I’m not a fool, and neither is your brother. Think about Mark. Do you want him influenced by these outside forces? What about Lillie and Mary? Do you want them to lose their innocence? And my boys. I have to protect my boys.” Her hands went to her stomach in a protective gesture. “And my baby. Give me the phone.”

Angry tears bright in his eyes, Josiah shook his head. “I can’t.” He looked at Emma, his face beseeching. “It’s the only way I can talk to Sarah. Her father won’t let me see her anymore, thanks to Luke.”

“You give me no choice.” Leah took a long breath. “I’ll ask Luke to talk to the deacon. He’ll come to you to investigate your infractions. That will be worse.”

“Whatever.”

Josiah’s defiant tone told Emma all was lost. “Please, please don’t do this, Josiah.”

“I love her.”

Emma laid a hand on his shoulder. His tight, knotted muscles tensed under his cotton shirt. “What about Miriam? You two seemed to get along so well when you started going to the singings last year. She likes you a lot. She’s waiting for you to shine a flashlight in her window again.”

“Miriam…Miriam’s nice. I like her. She’s a good person.” He jerked away. “But I love Sarah.”

He fled, leaving Emma in the hallway with Leah. Emma gathered her courage. “Please don’t go to the deacon. Let’s talk about this as a family. Tonight, when Luke gets home.”