To Love and to Cherish (18 page)

To Emma’s surprise, Annie actually giggled when Jonathan left a place at the table—next to him. On the other hand, Catherine was nowhere in sight. Emma hated to see the disappointed look on Michael Glick’s face. Nor was it fair to the girl who was seated beside him.

Emma didn’t have time to linger over the thought. She touched Miriam’s arm. The girl smiled, but her brown eyes were sad. “I was so hoping.”

“I know. Me too.” Emma had sent a letter to the Kauffmans’ address.
Even though Mr. Kauffman surely didn’t allow Josiah to court Sarah, Emma believed they would watch over him, make sure he was faring all right in a fancy world. They were good people. “I still believe he will come home. He’s sowing wild oats, but he is a Plain person at heart.”

Miriam shrugged. “It’s been almost three months. I keep thinking Josiah will miss me—miss all of this. I can’t imagine what it must be like to not see your family or friends, the people you grew up with.”

Emma drew her toward one of the tables, leaned forward, and patted the bench. “We can’t imagine, because this is all we’ve ever wanted. We have to accept Josiah’s journey as God’s will for us. We don’t know how it will end, but God does.” She commanded herself to believe the words she spoke. “And so we go forward.”

Miriam’s gaze flitted to William Zook as he dropped onto the bench next to the empty spot Emma had assigned to Miriam. She looked up at Emma, her eyebrows raised. “Emma—”

Emma offered her an encouraging smile. Time for both of them to move on. “I’ve got so much to do. We’ll talk later. Enjoy the meal.”

She rushed away. She wasn’t giving up on Josiah coming home, but she couldn’t let Miriam languish the way she had, waiting and waiting for the man she thought she loved to come home. Even if he returned, he wouldn’t be the same. He would be the sum of his experiences and the things he’d learned. Carl wasn’t the only one who had changed in four years. For better or for worse, so had Emma. Just as Miriam would, the longer Josiah stayed away.

Absence didn’t always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, it gave the heart time to grow up.

T
he evening after the wedding, Emma puttered around the house long after the others had gone to bed. The excitement of the festivities, the visiting with old friends and family, the enormous mountains of food had left her with a pent-up tension that she couldn’t relieve. Restless, she folded the last of the clean laundry. Mended a stack of the boys’ socks. Wrote a letter to her cousin in Ohio. Read an old edition of
The Budget
newspaper a third time.

Finally, knowing how early the sun would rise on the next day’s chores and school, she extinguished the kerosene lamp. A light flickered through the darkened windows. She forced herself to walk calmly to the glass and peek out. Thomas waved a flashlight. He’d come. The fact that’d he’d chosen the traditional signal touched her. He honored their traditions. He wanted her to know he’d overcome obstacles to court her. She heaved a sigh. His overture took courage in light of what he believed her relationship to be with Carl. Her palms damp, she slipped on her heavy wool coat, carefully closed the door, and ran down the steps.

Without a word, Thomas offered a hand to help her into the buggy, then rushed around to his side. He tucked a thick robe over their laps and picked up the reins. He clucked softly and the buggy jolted forward. Emma inhaled the cold, damp air and waited for him to give her a hint of what he was thinking.

He cleared his throat. “I’m glad you came out.”

“Me, too. I mean, I’m glad you came to get me.”

More silence. Carl never stopped talking. Emma found Thomas’s quiet refreshing. Thomas was comfortable with himself. He didn’t seem to mind a companionable silence. It gave her time to collect her thoughts. The clip-clop of the horse’s hooves lulled her. She relaxed for what seemed like the first time in forever. Because of Thomas. But it was cold and the ride would be short. She wanted it to be fruitful for both of them. Thomas had paid her a great compliment by waiting patiently for this moment, and pursuing it despite what had happened on his first attempt to court her. “I—”

“I—”

They both laughed, Thomas’s gruff sound mingling with her higher peals in the night air. He held up a gloved finger. “You first.”

Emma chose a topic she knew would warm a father’s heart. “Eli’s reading has improved so much this year. He’s quite the scholar. He’s helping Rebecca learn to read. And he’s helping her with her English, too.”

Thomas’s face dissolved into a big smile in the moonlight. The sight of his full lips stretched across a sculpted face under dark, warm eyes diffused the cold air around her, making the evening seem suddenly warm as a May night. “He has a good teacher.” Thomas snapped the reins and the horse picked up his pace. “He and Rebecca natter on about school all through supper. A sure sign they enjoy the time they spend with you.”

The high praise made Emma happy, yet a little uncomfortable. She didn’t need praise for a job well done, but still, it was lovely to receive. “I’m glad.”

“So am I.” He glanced at her and away. “I enjoy the time I spend with you, too.”

“Can I ask why?” She didn’t want him to think she would fish for compliments, but she truly did want to know why. What did Thomas see in her that caused him to seek her company?

He didn’t answer right away. Knowing Thomas, he would take the
question very seriously and give her a carefully thought-out answer. “I’m not much of a talker.”

“No, you’re not.”

“You don’t make me feel bad about it.” He ducked his head. “The words are sweet, but so is the silence.”

She nodded, even though he wasn’t looking at her. She could see how courting would be difficult with women who expected a man to hold up his end of a conversation. It was just easier on those first buggy rides. “You feel comfortable?”

“Yes.”

“I’m glad.”

“It also helps that you’re pretty.”

The warm rush of a deep blush coursed through her. “Thomas!”

“The truth is the truth.”

“For a man of few words, you know which ones to pick.”

Again, with that smile. Emma tried to breathe, but the air caught her in throat. She felt a little faint. She couldn’t have spoken if she’d tried.

Thomas guided the buggy onto a dirt road that cut through her family’s fields and ran alongside a pond where the kids loved to fish on hot summer evenings. After a while he tugged on the reins. The horse stopped along the banks of the pond. The reflection of the moon wrinkled in waves stirred up by a damp breeze out of the north. The scent of grass and wet earth made a lovely autumn perfume. Thomas hopped from the buggy and offered her a hand. “Shall we walk?”

She nodded and let him help her down. His big hand was warm and steady on hers. His smile hung crooked on his face. He let her hand drop and grabbed another blanket from the back seat. They walked in silence along the edge of the pond, its water polished silver.

Walking made conversation easier for Thomas. He spoke more words than she’d ever heard him string together in a single visit. He asked questions about school and her scholars. Emma told him stories of their antics that made him laugh.

“Mary and Lillie played Hide and Seek the other day,” she told him.

“Not unusual for little ones their age.”

“Except when I rang the bell to signal the end of recess, they stayed hidden.”

“For how long?”

“Until I found them hiding in that grove of elms south of the building ten minutes later.”

Thomas chuckled. “What did they have to say for themselves?”

“They said Eli told them to stay hidden until someone found them. He said that’s how you play the game.”

“My Eli?”

“Your Eli.”

Thomas shucked off his gloves and stuck them in his pocket. Then he lifted his hat and scratched his head. “That’s my boy. Always wanting to be in charge. I’ll talk to him.”

“No, no, don’t do that!” Without thinking, Emma grabbed his arm at the elbow and hung on with one hand. “He didn’t know they would take him so literally. Besides, it’s just Hide and Seek.”

His big hand fell on top of hers and tightened. He halted, forcing her to do the same. She looked up at him, aware of her heart pounding in her chest as if she’d run a mile. “Thomas?”

He shook his head. “You’re not so far removed from schoolyard games yourself.”

“Far enough.”

“Are you sure?”

She nodded. His hand slid away from hers. She let go of his arm, and they started forward again.

Neither spoke. Their shoes crunching in the dead leaves along the banks of the pond made the only sound for a few minutes. She waited, not trying to fathom what might be going on in his head at this moment. She’d come to realize Thomas thought about things more than anyone she’d ever known.

“That night, when I came to see you…” Thomas spoke softly, as if not to wake the creatures that lived in the nearby stand of trees that buffered the pond from now-empty fields. “When I realized
you were leaving with Carl, I felt so…foolish. I thought we had an understanding.”

Emma ran her hands up and down her coat sleeves, suddenly chilled. She’d known this moment would come sooner or later. “His visit represents no commitment and he knows that, yet he is persistent.”

Thomas walked more quickly, forcing Emma to skip to keep up. “I have much to consider, because of the children.”

A true statement, but Emma couldn’t change the situation. “They don’t know where you are tonight?”

“No. They don’t. I don’t want to create an…an expectation that could later become awkward. You’re their teacher. They love you.”

They were both quiet for a few minutes. Bullfrogs sang in the distance. Emma sighed. “I love them, too.”

Thomas picked up a rock and chucked it in the pond. Then another. “You love all your children.”

She picked up her own rock and chucked it. It skipped over the water, making rings that rippled outward. Luke had taught her to do that a long time ago. She missed their time of big-brother, little-sister. “That’s true, but I want to be a mother as well as a teacher.” And more. She should be brave enough to say it. “I want to be a wife.”

Thomas handed her another rock. Their fingers brushed for a fraction of a second. Their gazes held. “You’ll be a good one.”

“You think so?”

“You do everything well. Even skip rocks.”

Her breath gone, Emma focused on the rock he’d given her. It felt smooth and cold in her hand. She forced herself to inhale.

Thomas’s face hovered over hers, his eyes muddy water in which she could fathom nothing. “Do you still love Carl?”

“No.”
I don’t know
.

“Your face says differently when you’re talking to him.”

“You’re mistaken.”
Surely, you’re mistaken
.

He spun away from her and stalked ahead for several yards, then stopped. There, he spread the blanket on the grass. “Please sit with me.” He bowed slightly at the waist. “I know it’s chilly. Just for a few minutes.”

Hoping her face didn’t give away how much he disconcerted her, she sank onto the blanket and looked out at the pond. She concentrated on the ripples in the water caused by a sudden, cold breeze. Better to do that than look at his face. He would know. Know that she wasn’t sure of anything, least of all how she felt about him. Thomas stirred feelings in her that she had never felt for Carl. Feelings so strong they made her legs weak and her hands tremble. Did love feel like the flu? She wished Mudder were around to answer that question. With Carl, the flame had been steady. With Thomas, it leaped and swirled, threatening to devour everything in its path. The thought made the hair stand up on her arms.

He wiggled next to her like a child, his long arms and legs sticking out in all directions. He was too tall to sit comfortably on a blanket. Emma peered at him out of the corner of one eye. His face was half-hidden in the shadows. He spoke so little, but when he did, the words resonated with her. He saw things, knew things about her that others failed to see and understand. Although her feelings for him were rooted in Thomas’s steady calm, kind eyes, and thoughtfulness, the feelings were far from steady or calm. He was a man when Carl seemed to still be a boy. She worked to clear her thoughts. “What about you, Thomas?”

“What do you mean?”

“You and Joanna.”

He ducked his head so his hat hid his face. “It’s been four years.”

“It doesn’t matter if it’s been ten years. Are you ready to move on?”

His face still hidden, he plucked a blade of grass. “I have to. For the sake of the children, I must.”

“That’s not what I asked you.”

“I know, and you deserve an answer.” He tossed away the grass and leaned back on his elbows. She could see his face, but his expression remained inscrutable. “All I know is that I think about you more than I should. I’m acting like a boy. It’s been a long time, but I’m fairly certain that means something.”

“That you’re a man?”

He laughed, a low sound that warmed her. “Perhaps that’s what it is. I want to believe it is more. Do you?”

Afraid to trust her voice, she nodded. But what about Carl?

As if he read her mind, Thomas sat up. “There can be nothing between us as long as your feelings for Carl are ambivalent.” He leaned so their faces were close. “I know what I feel. I will wait for you. For however long it takes.”

No hurry. Emma twisted her fingers together tightly in her lap. “It may be selfish of me, but I long to have my own children, to have my own home, and to share it all with my husband. Not later. Now.”

“You deserve that.” His voice sounded ragged. “Your life, your future, are in your hands.”

It didn’t seem that way to her. It seemed that so much depended on others. She was needed at home and at school. Catherine needed her. Josiah needed her. Her scholars needed her. Even Carl said he needed her. “Many people are depending on me. Maybe God’s plan was for me to be a teacher and helper, not a mother.”

“I think you’re afraid of being hurt again.” Thomas didn’t move away from her. His face was so close she could’ve touched it. The thought made her scoot back. He didn’t follow. “Aren’t you?”