Underneath It All (5 page)

             
He began to mentally and physically abuse me and at first it wasn’t that bad so I felt like we could fix it, that we could get through it. I was used to being talked down to and treated like shit so I could handle this.

             
Things seemed to get worse as we kept pretending that they were going to get better. I slowly became unattached which wasn’t hard since the feelings were never really there from the beginning but he gave me everything that I longed for and made sure I was okay so there was still some sort of glue holding us together.

             
I honestly do believe that he wanted me to do well because he would often help me get booked for jobs but then it was weird because when I would land them and do well then I would have to hear something negative from him. I don’t think he ever really knew how to express himself towards me in a positive way. Men always say that it takes a secure female to be with someone who has a dominate personality but the same thing goes for men, I think it takes a certain kind of man to be able to stand next to a female who’s in the spotlight and who gets a lot of attention from both men and women, not every man can handle that. Raul wasn’t secure in himself while being with me and I think that contributed to the abuse.

             
He started to believe that I was doing what every other woman was doing. I won’t name names but being faithful wasn’t something that was upheld within the crew. This person would see that person’s girl out somewhere with this dude and it would lead to drama. I never cheated on Raul but no matter what you tell someone and how hard you try to convince them, at the end of the day they’re going to believe whatever they want to.

             
As dumb as this may sound the beatings weren’t that bad. After a while I became numb to them so it was easy for me to go to a place in my head where I felt like he couldn’t hurt me. I think it was his way of trying to keep me in line.

             
I was on set for a video by Bobby Valentino featuring Lil Wayne and it ended up going over time and I was on set longer than what I told Raul I would be. I didn’t think it was a big deal. I had worked all day and by the time they wrapped I was extremely tired, sweaty, and hot so I went to my trailer and washed all the pounds of makeup off my face.

             
When I went home I looked a mess, my hair was pulled back in a ponytail but again I didn’t think anything of it because at the very least he would see that I had been working and that I was exhausted so that would explain my appearance. He accused me of sleeping around on set and told me that I didn’t look like I had been working since I didn’t have on any makeup. I should’ve known by the look on his face that my answer wasn’t going to suffice but by the time he struck me and I felt the blood trickle down my lip it was too late. I realized that it didn’t matter how loyal I was to him or how much I told him I loved him because he was incapable of loving me.

             
I know you are probably tired of me trying to give reasons why he did this or why he did that but again, unless you’re in the situation and are going through similar things it’s hard for you to wrap your mind around what was going on and how I was feeling. I understood his emotions in a sense that he wasn’t trying to be seen as the fool and then end up getting cheated on but that was never the case that was his own paranoia getting the best of him.

             
I would get beat for some bullshit someone else did and to him I guess it was a warning that even if I didn’t do it, this is what would happen if I did. I’m sure most of his anger towards me stemmed from Joe and everything that had gone down with them as a result of him choosing to be with me. I felt like Joe was somewhere laughing at me and relishing in the fact that my choice to pick Raul over him was biting me in the ass but how could life with him have been any better when I knew for a fact that he was married? What was he going to give me and do for me to make me feel any different than her?

             
I presented Raul with the idea of moving to LA because I really believed this would give us a fresh start and not only would I be able to get work, but maybe he could branch out and start doing his own thing without the name of Terror Squad or Joe attached to it. Surprisingly he agreed and pretty soon we were on our way to California.

Chapter Seven

             
When

we arrived in LA we opted to stay with Frankie and his girlfriend who were friends of Raul’s until we could find our own place. It worked out financially because we were able to split everything down the middle and didn’t have to pay for everything ourselves right away but we were cramped into their
two-bedroom apartment and we needed our own space.

             
I’ve always wanted to move to LA since I was younger so once we got there and got settled I felt like it was another thing I could check off my list of accomplishments. Somehow this girl from the Bronx had actually made it to Hollywood. I took in everything. I loved the weather, the smell of the ocean, and the way the palm trees danced in the wind. The people here were different. Everyone seemed happy and as if they were constantly on this natural high from life.

             
We began to go out and get familiar with the night scene and all the hot spots to hang out at. We partied heavy when we first got there, we ate at all the ritzy restaurants and I began to think that this is exactly what we needed to get our relationship back on track. We got an apartment that had a great view of downtown LA and for a while things were okay. I decorated our home in warm hues of blue and brown. I put up artwork that I had found at the flea market and soon enough things started to come together.

             
Raul was beginning to feel good about him self again, he was building an identity outside of Joe and this was a really big step for him since he had been by his side for so long and was practically all that he knew. I knew that he loved getting his own recognition, hell, who wouldn’t? No one wants to live in someone else’s shadow forever.

             
One night Raul and I went out and I started to randomly talk to this girl that was sitting across from the table that we were at. I was feeling good sipping Ace of Spades and I was just enjoying the atmosphere and myself.

             
She had this pretty curly hair and she was wearing a red dress that complimented her small waist and hugged her voluptuous ass while riding every curve of her body. She had these long, thick shapely legs and before I knew it my hands was wrapped around her. I couldn’t help myself; I just had to touch her. The more I touched her the more I noticed that she liked it and pretty soon we started making out right between the tables. I was instantly aroused by the way she kissed me. She held me by the neck and put her other hand in my hair and our tongues tasted each other with so much passion. I was so lost in the moment that I didn’t know Raul had come up to us until I felt him tightly squeezing the back of my neck and I knew I was in trouble.

             
He said that he felt disrespected and that the only way to make up for it was to bring her home with us. A light bulb went off in my head and I didn’t think this would be a bad thing and that it may actually work in my favor.

             
Sex has always been mental for me, I need to have an emotional connection to that person and our chemistry needs to be natural, it’s not right if it’s forced. When all those things line up then I have no problem opening up sexually. I didn’t really appreciate sex with Raul as a woman and man should because I wasn’t into him in that way.

             
Sex with Raul was more of a chore and something I had to do verses something that excited me and made me want to initiate it on my own. Although I loved him and had love for him as a person, I was never in love with him.

             
Before we left I grabbed her and told her that she was going to come home with us and she didn’t hesitate or seem offended, she actually agreed. I admit I was a little greedy once we got into the car. She sat in the back and I was up front with Raul as he drove. I kept replaying the way we kissed each other in the club and I ended up climbing in the back seat with her so I could feel her lips against mine again. I had the feeling like okay; this is what sex is supposed to be like when you’re actually attracted to someone.

             
Us making out slowly turned into us passively taking each other’s tops off and I pulled her dress up while she pulled my skirt up. I sucked on her breast and things were starting to get really hot and heavy. As I was kissing on her breasts she pushed me against the door and spread my legs and began eating me out. Raul kept looking in the rearview mirror trying to tell us what to do and how to touch each other but we were so wrapped up in each other that we completely tuned him out.

             
I played in her hair while she lay comfortably between my legs sucking and licking on me. I was so turned on by what she was doing and so caught up in everything that I hadn’t even asked her name. I had a total strangers face between my legs and I loved every minute of it. With every touch and every kiss it was starting to make sense that sex was supposed to feel good. Sex with Raul didn’t evoke this kind of emotion or the feelings that I had gotten when I was with Trent.

             
I got off as much as I could before we reached the house. It may sound a little selfish on my part being that I let her eat me out and didn’t return the favor but I did play with her to the point that she came and I felt really excited about that because I knew I was able to make her feel just as good as she was making me feel.

             
When we got home we immediately went into the bedroom and Raul didn’t hesitate to bend her over and start fucking her from behind. He was smart enough to put a condom on and he was definitely open off the idea that I had actually pulled this off. While I was watching him fuck her and listening to her scream he was looking at me with this evil stare like he was the man and that he ruled things. I felt like I now had a way to avoid having sex with him. I could substitute another woman and have her do the things that I couldn’t do or didn’t want to do for him. She was a complete stranger and it seemed like she was really turned on by him and even if she wasn’t she was damned good at acting like she was.

             
So as I’m watching him fuck her I decided to get in front of her and let her eat me out again. He kept staring at me while he was pounding her and I was trying really hard not to show it in my face as to how much I was actually enjoying it. I didn’t want him to get jealous or mad at the fact that she was able to pleasure me in ways that he wasn’t. At first I was really paranoid and I would try not to participate and instead act as if I was more turned on by watching. They went at it for a while and I ended up falling asleep.

             
I woke up to the sound of him kicking her out and telling her that she had to go. I guess he felt like she had done her job so her presence was no longer required. I didn’t even get a chance to say bye to her but it was evident that last night had indeed happened and I had invited someone else into our bed. I was shocked that I had been that open and aggressive yet I applauded myself because I now had an out. I felt relieved sexually because now I could use other women as a scapegoat and I would still be able to get off and feel good while making sure his needs were being met also. I was okay with that because I didn’t want to be the person to have to endure having sex with him. As mean as it sounds it just wasn’t enjoyable nor was it something I wanted to do and now I didn’t have to.

             
When he came back into the bedroom I faked like I was asleep. I thought since he had fucked her all night he would be tired but he wasn’t. He tried to wake me so that we could have sex but I rolled over, eyes closed and told him that I was exhausted. I may have even snored a little bit just for added effect.

             
We had many threesomes after that. I thought this could also be a way to fix our relationship and that everything would be all right.

             
There was never really a time that Raul wasn’t by my side or he didn’t keep me close by his. I never got a chance to be in my own space so when he had to go out of town and decided to leave me behind I was beyond ecstatic. I had the feeling that you get when it’s your first day of school and you finally get to wear the outfit that’s been laying on your bed for the past week. I felt like I was finally going to get a chance to live it up and enjoy a little bit of freedom without him hovering over me and breathing down my neck.

             
I took full advantage of him being gone and it turned into something I regretted instantly.

              I went out one night while he was gone and I saw the regular people we normally see, I sat where we usually sit, drank what I usually drank, I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary that would draw attention. I always played my position and gave him the respect he deserved. Regardless of me not being attracted to him sexually, he was still my man and I treated him as such. Anyway, I went out and had a good time and as I was leaving I happened to run into one of his boys. I acknowledged him and said hello at the same time I was waving down a cab so I could go home. Everyone was inviting me out to eat but I didn’t want to push it. I knew that Raul would be back home the next day and I wanted to be there and have everything together so I played it safe and went home.

             
I called Raul the next day and everything seemed normal. He sounded real calm and cool and I asked him how he was feeling and if his trip had been okay. He gave all the right answers and didn’t allude to anything being wrong so I told him I would see him soon, got off the phone and went about my normal routine.

             
That night I knew he was landing so before I went to bed I thought I would be cute so I put on some lingerie. I thought since he had been gone and away from me for a few days he would come home, see me sleeping and be happy to be back. If anything I was expecting to have to have sex with him.

             
It was around two in the morning when he landed on a red eye and I had been passed out for a few hours. I was dead sleep when suddenly I felt something grab my ankles and drag me to the end of the bed. I began to panic and right when I was trying to grab the sheets to prevent whatever this was from taking me my face hit the floor but my legs were still being held in the air.

             
Raul had come home furious. Apparently when he landed someone had told him that they saw me out and that I had gotten in the cab with one of his boys. Without even asking me if it was true, he jumped the gun and automatically took the side of this other person. On my son’s life, I never got into the cab with anyone. I just wanted to go out and have a good time by myself.

He dropped my legs and started kicking me in the gut with his sneakers on. I was trying to curl up and block what parts of my body I could but it wasn’t helping.

The impact of my face hitting the floor made my cheek swell up and with each kick I could feel my ribs cracking.

He seemed to become
angrier with me balling up and when he could no longer kick me in my stomach or my chest he started kicking me in the face.

I thought I was going to die at least three times that night. He kicked me in places that shortened my breathing and I just knew I wasn’t going to make it through the night.

He picked me up by my hair and threw me back on the bed. I was bleeding from places I couldn’t see and I was very distraught. He called me everything under the sun. He told me that I was a worthless piece of shit and that he should’ve left me in the Bronx. He accused me of sleeping with his boy and told me that I was a whore.

I
lay in the bed crying trying to understand what had happened, I started to pray and ask the Lord to deliver me from this hell. I didn’t know what had triggered this and I was so scared that it was going to happen again that I didn’t sleep.

             
The fucked up part about all of this is that whoever told him that I had gone home with someone else called the next day to say that it wasn’t me. What the fuck? Like really? Why would they have said some shit that they knew wasn’t true in the first place? After he got off the phone he came in the bedroom and told me that he had found out that it wasn’t true. That’s all he said. He didn’t apologize for the beating or nothing.

             
I really started to fear for myself. How could someone who claimed to love you just flip like that? Not only that but how could he not show any kind of sympathy or be apologetic? Did he not feel bad after he saw what he had done to me? In that fear came the mindset of me feeling like I didn’t have a way out. I felt like this was what my life had become and that I was stuck with it. I blame my youth and the fact that I didn’t know any better. Yes I was scared but where was I going to go?

             
He would sometimes force himself to have sex with me afterwards and in some sick, sadistic way I think that was his way of apologizing or either it was his way of letting me know that there wasn’t shit I could do about it but lay there and take it. I never fought back because he’s a lot bigger and stronger than me. How do you fight a grown man? I fell in love with the intimidation he seemed to get from other people and I thought it was so appealing. The thing I fell for was the thing that destroyed me.