Underneath It All (4 page)

             
When I showed up at the set I was automatically intimidated. I was in an arena I had never been in before, there were women of all ethnicities and body types, and not only were they beautiful but they had something I didn’t; experience. Being around these professional models I realized that if I was really going to do this then I would have to do everything right and really study my craft. Brian was the one that helped me and reminded me of the little things like my diet, not to eat after seven, skin care regimens and exercises to keep me in shape. He supported me and let me know that if this was something I was really going to do then this was how I should do it.

             
Looking around the room, I knew that my skills and potential wasn’t up to the level that it should be and I needed to get myself together. While on set I observed and took in everything from the camera guy, to the makeup artist, stylist, producer, everyone that was behind the scenes I watched them like a hawk. I studied and did research on different directors and I also began to take classes in acting and runway walking as well as dance.

             
People who think they are too good to start at the bottom in order to get to where you need to go don’t really want whatever it is that they are striving for. I wasn’t above working at Dunkin Doughnuts, or a pizza shop. I even worked at The Holiday Inn in order to get the money I needed to invest in what I wanted to do.

             
I sometimes wish I were as confident and as sure of myself now as I was then. I feel like I’ve forgotten what I’ve been through and that I really did do all of this by myself. 

Chapter Five

 
The

air was a little chilly and I was on my way to an audition with my mother when we were stopped in the middle of
Times Square by an MTV scout that was looking for girls to compete in a Jennifer Lopez look alike contest.

I didn’t wait to listen to the requirements or what else it entailed. I looked at my mother with stars in my eyes.
After seeing how excited I was to participate she agreed and we were on our way.

             
We were taken to the MTV building and I was nervous and super excited at the same time. We rode the escalator to the very top and I was once again brought to the time I was sitting in the highchair and my foster mother made me feel as if I was small even though I was sitting up higher than everyone else. Looking down from the top of this escalator I felt like I was slowly rising to the top, that this was someway significant to being in that chair and there was nothing she could do or say to me now that would make me feel like in this moment, right now, I didn’t belong.

             
I think being on the Tommy Hilfiger set helped me with my confidence. We approached a desk, was handed a number and from there told to wait. The anticipation of waiting didn’t have time to set in because I was seen in fifteen minutes. I remember walking past some of the other girls and getting screw faces as if they wanted to ask whom I was and why was I being whisked away so fast.

             
The lights in the room were almost blinding. There were three people behind the desk and I was told to stand on an X, do a 360 turn so they could see my profile and await further instructions.

After answering a series of questions I was told that I would receive a call back if I was chosen to move on to the next round.

              I felt like I was going to die from the suspense. I didn’t want to be over confident but at the same time I didn’t want to start psyching myself out and automatically think the worse. Two hours later I got the call I had been waiting for.

             
I studied J.Lo nonstop for about two weeks in an effort to embody her as much as I could. I would dance around the house and act out the videos while singing and looking in the mirror trying to make sure I had all her movements and facial expressions down. It never dawned on me that my body was no were near J.Lo’s voluptuous figure. I was long and awkward with pointy elf ears, and a big alien head like E.T, as the kids from school would say. None of that mattered anymore, I was doing Tommy commercials, and now I was about to win the contest of being my idol’s look-a-like. Nothing could dim my light.

             
Christina Milian was the host for the show and the panel of judges consisted of one of J.Lo’s dancers, choreographer, stylist and makeup artist. These were people that were around her all the time and knew her very well. If I were off key or off beat they would definitely notice. My hair was dyed blonde and it was as if someone had put a motor in my back, this was the gas in my tank that I needed. I was here because I resembled Jennifer yet all I could see was myself transforming into everything that I wanted to be. In this mirror I was seeing the different routes my road would take, video vixen, model, entertainer, etc, the foundation for these things were being laid out from this very moment.

             
I looked around at the rest of the contestants and they looked phenomenal. I would have to put everything I had into this because there was some competition in the room. When it was my turn I answered all the questions correctly, I nailed all her movements and I even got her accent down.

             
We were made to wait once again as they tallied our scores and decided on a winner. When they said my name I was shocked. I couldn’t believe it. At first I didn’t move because I thought I was dreaming but then I heard the applause from the crowd, I heard the cheers and this snapped me back into reality. I had won. This was it. It was game time. I took the mic and once the lights came up I had an out of body experience. I always liked how entertainers were admired and the attention they got from their fans and as I stood on the stage and sang the lyrics to ‘Feeling so Good’ I was able to get a taste of what that was like and I loved it. I never wanted to let it go. My family was there cheering me on and they were so proud of me, seeing the awe in their expressions as they looked at me made me so happy. It was the best feeling ever.

             
When the contest aired I had everyone watching. Of course I let Trent know I would be on TV and I couldn’t wait to see his reaction. He had given me the tools I needed to trust in myself and take a chance and I owed him everything. I admit it was a very good feeling for the world to see me on TV and to be the center of attention.

             
After the contest aired I began to get calls left and right for different videos and when I got a call from someone at Rockefeller I thought it was a joke. I returned the call and the woman said that my being on the look alike contest had sparked the interest of an up and coming group who would be shooting a video soon and they wanted to know if I would be in it.

             
Turns out the group was Young Gunz, I didn’t know who they were so I Googled them and I thought the song was pretty decent and I especially liked the chorus which was “can’t stop won’t stop” I thought it was kind of my motto so to me, doing the video was a representation on where I was going with my life and how I felt about my drive to get me there.

             
At the time I shot the Young Gunz video I was fifteen years old. I had never done a music video before so I felt a little clueless as far as what to expect. When I arrived I was taken to hair and makeup and they dressed me in a white blouse that tied underneath my breast and a very tiny schoolgirl skirt.

             
A lot of the girls were actually pretty nice to me and I would soon find out that others did more than what was expected. I was standing on set waiting for my scene to be shot when one of the girls walked up to one of the artists and grabbed his dick. I was taken aback by her actions and confused, I wanted to be sure to make it a point that they knew as well as anyone else that I wasn’t like that. If I was going to be the girl that would take over the world then I had to keep it business and not sell myself short.

             
*****

             
I’ve always heard that things happen in three’s whether good or bad and around 2004 things at home slowly started to unravel. Pedro was locked up for being at the wrong place at the wrong time and although it may sound a little selfish, I was really hurt and upset. I can’t say what makes a person do certain things or feel as if they only have so many options left before they take another route because I’ve been in similar situations but when Pedro got sent away I lost the authority figure I had in him as well as my best friend. Even to this day I am still a little bothered by his decision because I felt like he was taken away from us during a time that my family needed him the most.

             
On March 3, 2005 I was in Miami on the set of a video and I just so happened to be in my trailer when I noticed I had a missed call and a text message from my friend Drieka. Her message said that it was urgent and I could tell by the sound of her voice that something was wrong so I immediately called her back. When she answered the phone the first thing she said was that there had been an accident and some guys had drove past the block that Trent was on and mistook him for someone else.

             
Instead of checking to make sure this was in fact the person they were looking for, they opened fire and Trent was shot. He died instantly. I dropped the phone and fell to my knees holding my stomach. It was like time had stood still, I felt alone again, my soul was crying out but not a single tear had fallen nor had a murmur escaped my lips. My heart felt as if it were going to explode in my chest and disintegrate into ash.

             
The one person that I trusted with everything that I had, the one person I loved with my whole heart was gone. I was angry that people could be that senseless, that someone could be that evil and mean to shoot an innocent person. I was mad because that one act had taken away someone dear to me and now I had to figure out a way to live without him.

             
There was suddenly a void in my life that I didn’t know how to fill. I was distraught and I just remember crying non-stop for weeks to the point that I made myself sick. What was I going to do now? Who was I going to confide in? Who would tell me to keep going and never give up?

             
I prayed over and over that it wasn’t true and it took me being at his funeral to realize that he wasn’t coming back. The day of his memorial I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was in a sauna and at any minute I was going to suffocate. I sat in the front row amongst his family and it was crazy that some of these people actually knew who I was yet had never met me before. Trent had been open with expressing his feelings for me and he had even told his family who I was.

             
I always knew that Trent did whatever he could to help his grandmother but I didn’t know the extent or the impact that he had on their lives until I saw it written all over their faces. I knew his family had it hard yet at the same time I think they found strength in each other and that no matter what they went through, no matter how hard things got for them, they would always be okay because they had one another to lean on.

             
I would have to find that same strength and keep going because I felt like I owed it to Trent. I needed to be strong and show him that I could keep fighting regardless of what was being thrown at me and despite his absence I could carry on by myself, I had to. Yes, he had always been the one to push me and encourage me but now he would be doing so from a different place and no matter how much it hurt, I had to accept that.

             
Trent’s death was the end of my going to school. I dropped out in the eleventh grade because I could no longer be in a place that he had been. I could no longer walk down the halls, sit in a classroom, or eat in a cafeteria that he had been in. Everything reminded me of him and while I didn’t want to forget, it was also much too painful to remember.

             
The only thing I had left was my work so that’s what I did. I had to keep going whether he was alive or not because I felt like I owed it to him to continue and to live my life to the fullest since his was taken so soon and so unexpectedly.

             
Shortly after Trent’s death my mother and Brian split up. I don’t really know what happened; I think it was a combination of things and that ultimately they just grew apart. In the span of a year I had lost the three most important men in my life at that time and I think that’s what influenced me to finally leave home.

Chapter Six

             
Six

months after the Young
Gunz gig and Trent’s passing, I got a call from the same director asking me to be in a video for Nina Sky but this time I would be the feature girl. I was used to being an extra in a party scene or standing next to the lead girl but I never actually got to be her. This was my chance.

             
After sitting still for so long in hair and makeup I was ready to go home. I was trying to think of an excuse to tell the crew that would be believable enough for me to go home but right when I had figured it out I was called to set.

             
Fat Joe was sitting on a couch surrounded by three women and not too far from him was his wife seated in a director’s chair. I stared at her for what seemed like an eternity and I’m glad she didn’t catch me because I’m sure I looked like a creep. She’s a short, curvy, extremely attractive Columbian woman with pearly white teeth. She was wearing these jeans with a pearl chain hanging from the side of them with a white fur and her hair was in a smooth ponytail straight to the back.

             
I couldn’t help but notice another man that was standing next to Joe and they kind of resembled a little but he was much smaller. He was wearing a black leather jacket with an embroidered design of the New York City skyline, dark blue jeans, fresh wheat Timberlands, a black tee and a Terror Squad chain. Once I noticed he was staring at me I quickly turned my head and looked the other way. I tried to pay attention to the PA who was telling me where to stand but soon enough the man who had been staring at me approached me and was right beside me.

             
He gave me chills in a good way, like that feeling of someone slowly caressing your skin, making the goose bumps rise and your hair stand on end. He looked very mean and I could tell from his demeanor that he was used to intimidating people and getting what he wanted.

             
I had been dressed in a black dress that plunged down to my navel and it was obvious that his attention was on the parts of me that were exposed. I felt like he was slowly drawing me into him the longer he stared. It was as if I was being hypnotized. In a very cool yet commanding way he placed his phone in my hand and told me to put my number in it. His screen saver was a picture of him in an old school Ferrari and I should’ve known then that he was self-absorbed.

             
When I looked up and went to hand him his phone back his eyes were glued on my stomach. He told me that he loved my stomach and I don’t know if he knew then that that very statement would ring true in our future when I would become pregnant with his child. Maybe he did have a vision of me having his son, who knows, but he said that he fell in love with my stomach the day that he met me.

             
Right before we began shooting he put his chain around my neck where it rest against my navel. After the video was over Joe had to go which meant that Raul had to leave with him and I could tell that Joe’s wife saw the attraction between us as she smiled from across the room. I waved back at her and after everyone said goodbye I went back to my dressing room to pack up and go home.

             
Kathy, who was a friend of mine from Junior high school came over my house that night and we were preparing to get dressed and go out to a teen party. I wondered if he had known my actual age would he have still been gawking at me like that. My phone began to ring and Kathy informed me that it was a New York number. I took the phone away from her and answered it only to find out that it was Raul.

             
I could tell from the way that he was talking to me that he was used to getting pussy thrown at him left and right. He was very arrogant and cocky and he had a way of manipulating his words in order to get people to do what he wanted. At first I was shocked and a little scared that he had called. Even though I was mildly attracted to him I had just lost Trent and the wounds were still fresh.

             
I hadn’t really mourned him so these feelings I was having towards Raul didn’t seem right. I felt as if I was disrespecting someone who was no longer here. I didn’t want to be with anyone but Trent so I blew him off. I kept him at bay for two months; I even labeled his number in my phone as “Terror Squad, Don’t Answer.” I was giving him every excuse I possibly could in an effort to avoid him. Had I known then, what I know now, I never would’ve given in and answered the phone.

*****

              I continued to pour myself into my work headfirst and after shooting the Fabolous and Chris Brown videos I had finally begun to get recognition from the Hip Hop community and different publications. I was asked to do November’s issue of XXL Eye Candy and I was ecstatic, these were the very magazines that I used to look at when I was younger, the very girls that I used to aspire to be like and now I could finally stop pretending. I finally had a chance to make my dreams a reality.

             
Word got around really fast once the issue of XXL came out. Me and a friend of mine had gone out to celebrate and we actually had to pay off the bouncers because I was underage so we lied and told them that we were there to also bring in my twenty first birthday. We had put up posters from the magazine all throughout the club and before you knew it a little bit of everyone was there. I was getting passed drinks left and right and after a while I was pretty tipsy.

             
I don’t know why I finally answered his phone call, maybe it was because I was having such a good time that night, maybe it was because I was drunk, whatever the reason I decided to pick up the phone.

             
Once we said hello to each other Raul asked me if I was XXL’s November eye candy and I told him yea. He then told me that Joe wanted to speak to me and before I could protest he had given him the phone. I don’t know what Joe expected but he clearly felt like talking to him should be some kind of honor. I mean, I knew who he was but I really didn’t give him too much thought. He asked me if I was from the Bronx, started telling me that he thought I was fly and that I was pretty or what not and I cut him off mid sentence and asked to speak back to Raul. The phone got quiet and eventually Raul came back. I don’t know what was said between them during the moment of silence but I told him that I wasn’t really trying to hear what Joe was saying and that I had asked to speak back to him instead.

             
He told me that he was away in Miami but he would be coming back to New York soon and when he did he would hit me up. Two days later he did just that but this time he told me to pack a bag and that he would be on his way to pick me up. He had to go to Puerto Rico on business and from there he would be going back to Miami and he wanted me to go with him. I couldn’t believe that this man was offering to take me to Puerto Rico. I think I agreed because I had never been and I was excited to travel and see sights I had never seen before.

             
After we hung up the phone I rushed to the mall to pick up a few outfits and I told my mother that I had booked a job and I would be gone for a few days. Given that I had never given her pause or reason to doubt me before she didn’t protest. I walked outside and he was standing in front of this black on black Range Rover and he took my bags, put them in the backseat and I got in the back of the truck. He had someone driving the car and I guess I expected to go to La Guardia or JFK but we were pulling up to a clear port and there was a private plane waiting for us.

             
I couldn’t believe it. Not only was I going to Puerto Rico but I was also going to be flying on a private plane! I don’t know what it was about him but when we boarded I took a seat right next to him and I stayed there the entire time. It was something about being near him that gave me a sense of security. Once we landed we went to the hotel and I saw the set up. I wish I would’ve been brave enough to tell him to get his own room but of course I wasn’t.

             
I went in the bathroom to change and when I came out I could see the disappointment on his face. I guess he was expecting me to either be naked or in some kind of sexy lingerie but instead I was wearing spandex leggings and a t-shirt. I wasn’t even thinking anything sexual so my choice of pajamas didn’t bother me. He had ordered a bottle of champagne, which was on ice on the nightstand. I was tired from the flight so I crawled in the bed and once he joined me, surprisingly he didn’t try anything. Instead he scooped me up, pulled me close to him and held me the whole night. I remember waking up the next morning feeling like I didn’t want to get out of bed. Not that I was sick but just because everything seemed so perfect the night before and I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

             
Joe had a show that night and it was the first time I was able to be back stage. I was able to see what went into performing live and once he went on and the lights went up it was something I just had to experience for myself. The crowd seemed to adore him and I wanted that. I wanted to be the person that they had paid to come see, that they had waited in line for, I wanted to be the person whose lyrics they sang. Watching him perform I was more determined than ever to make that happen.

             
Everyone was in a good mood once the show was over so of course we went out to celebrate. Bottles were everywhere and the drinks were flowing, everyone was just having a good time and living it up. When we got back to our room Raul pushed me against the wall and started kissing me aggressively. He put his hands between my legs and started playing with me and I was a little nervous at first because I had never been with anyone besides Trent.

             
My body was tingling with every touch and when he entered me I wrapped my legs around him but I remember him not allowing me to move from the wall. Whether I was standing up, or he was behind me or whatever the position was, we didn’t move from that one spot. He kept telling me that I wasn’t going anywhere over and over again and looking back on it, ironically, he was right.

*****

              It may sound funny but I had to teach Raul the basics of affection like holding hands in public while walking on the beach or giving me kisses here and there. I could tell that Joe didn’t like what was happening to his friend, for so long Raul had been his right hand man, his muscle, and now the gunman of the crew was softening up for a girl. That didn’t sit too well with him.

             
After a while Raul and I fell for each other and although I was never sexually attracted to him, I was drawn to his naiveté and the way that he was willing to be so open with me. I was very appreciative of the life that he was trying to create for me and the things that he was showing me. I think having me around gave him a sense of normalcy. I learned from pillow talk that he had a bad relationship with his mom and a rough upbringing so I think in me; he was able to find that unconditional love that she didn’t provide for him.

             
In a way I believe he knew that I wasn’t sexually attracted to him but he knew that I liked him as a person and that was enough for him. Some people tend to think that if you give them one thing then eventually the rest will follow and perhaps this was his mentality. I enjoyed playing the position of his girl and being responsible for taking this really hard man and turning him into a teddy bear. We were inseparable in the beginning. Being with Raul was like being on a permanent vacation. We always ate at the best of restaurants, drank the best champagne, life was good...but then again it’s always like that in the early stages before the curtain comes up and they show you who they really are.

             
Slowly but surely I began to lose control over certain things in my life. Things that I would naturally do as chores from cooking to cleaning became mandatory and now they were things that had to be done. I had to make sure I was home and that these things were taken care of before he got there or else he would get upset.

             
Like I said before, Joe wasn’t really feeling our relationship and I think a big part of that was jealousy from when I kind of curved him on the phone. He started to overlook Raul in ways that he hadn’t before and it began to mess with his finances. He wasn’t getting work the way he used to before he started dating me and although I was still working we were barely getting by. Joe gave him an ultimatum; either the crew or me and when Raul chose me his money began to fade and our relationship got shaky.

             
We began to argue over petty things. The arguments would sometimes turn physical and he would run up behind me and tightly squeeze the back of my neck or pull my hair. It would scare the shit out of me because I never knew when it was going to happen or what I did to trigger it. I didn’t know that letting him get away with things like that would start my World War III. Before I knew it this perfect, cool, relationship that I had backfired and blew up in my face.

             
Of course there were moments where I could have left but the thought of abandoning that sense of security that I had with him scared me. It’s very easy to say what you would or wouldn’t do if you were in a similar situation but until you’re actually in it, it doesn’t matter. Chicks are real rah rah and about that life until they have a 6’3 200 pound man in their face. All that loud mouth “I’d beat his ass and I would leave” shit goes out the window.