Underneath It All (8 page)

Chapte
r Ten

    
After

leaving my son I was really distraught and lonely. I felt like I was letting my son down but I needed to be away from him in order to get back on my feet and try and build a better life for us. I had to start from scratch and that decision wasn’t easy. I needed to hit the ground running and take the game back with a vengeance because I didn’t want to end up in this position again. The “training” that Raul put me through had me in a bruised mindset. I was damaged to say the least but I was trying my hardest not to let that hinder me.

              For the first time in a long time I was on my own again but this time I not only had the responsibility of taking care of myself, I also had to take care of my child. I used my time alone as a moment of reflection. I was still enraged by everything I had gone through and allowed Raul to do to me and I felt now more than ever I needed to do what I had to in order to get the things that I felt I deserved out of life.

             
Raul was sending me a lot of messages saying that since I had decided to leave I wasn’t going to get very far and that he would find me and I wouldn’t be able to live without him. He constantly reminded me that I wouldn’t amount to anything and at first I believed him. My going above and beyond to prove to him that I wasn’t like everyone else had actually tarnished my own self image and in a way I didn’t know who I was anymore.

             
When I finally got back to LA I was relieved and it was time for me to prove to myself that I could make it. After some apartment hunting I got a place near Santa Monica. I was able to get the basics like toiletries, food and water but for a while I slept on an air mattress. It made me think of being in foster care but I had to force myself to believe that just like then, this was only temporary and it would eventually get better. Although the view wasn’t great I could see the beach on the horizon and I would sometimes sit on my balcony and watch the sunset. I spent a lot of time out there.

             
I would often fantasize and daydream of a life where there was no pain. I would sit and roll a blunt and wish that I could ride that high forever. I would dream of a time when I didn’t have to fall asleep with a pissy or shitty diaper on because I had been left in a highchair. I would dream of what I thought my family should look like and often that picture included my father. I wondered where he was, what he was doing and if he was even thinking of me.

             
The first few nights alone were horrible. I couldn’t sleep and I kept thinking about King. I prayed that the messages I was getting from Raul were just empty threats but I couldn’t be sure. I didn’t want to allow myself to be so gullible and think that he wouldn’t follow through and then when I least expected it, he may pop up. I didn’t want to be caught off guard.

             
I stayed cooped up in that apartment forever and had I not needed something to eat I probably would have never came out. I was on my way back from getting some Spanish food when I bumped into the girl that Raul and I had a threesome with. I didn’t know her name so I had to wait until she saw me before I could speak.

             
She was waving down a cab when she finally looked my way and I signaled her over. Maybe it was the fact that she was a familiar face or that I was lonely, I’m not sure but she was a welcome distraction.

             
I waited for her to cross the street and after exchanging pleasantries I found out her name was Maria and I invited her back to my place. It may sound odd but it was something about being with a woman that made me feel safe. We ate and drank wine and pretty soon one thing led to another. I led her out to the balcony and we began kissing.

             
I lifted her dress up and got on my knees so I could eat her pussy from the back. She tasted like honey and the sounds of her moans made me rub my clit with such intensity and as she pulled my hair to signal her orgasm I began having one of my own. We touched and teased each other throughout the night and as I lay next to her I remember feeling the same warmth and security that I had felt when I was inside my mother’s womb.

             
It’s true that a woman knows how to touch another woman because she’s familiar with her own body and with each caress she gave me whether it was sexual or just a sign of affection it soothed me and made me forget everything that was going on around me. I wanted to keep her with me forever.

             
We talked about our dreams and aspirations in life and she told me that she was a ballet dancer and that she had been doing auditions around the city in hopes to perhaps get discovered and make it to New York. Juilliard was her destination and the passion in which she spoke about it gave me the inspiration I needed to go after what I wanted. We stayed in the house for two days. We would order in and watch movies or go to the beach and hold hands and as happy as I was being with her we both knew that we needed to separate if only for a little while so we could go and do the things we needed to do. I agreed to come to one of her recitals and she said that she would help me look for work.

             
I believe people come into your life for specific reasons and Maria was my guiding star when I needed one. Honestly, I thought about giving up a lot and I suppose it’s when a person feels they are at rock bottom that their strength is really tested. We agreed to keep in touch and once we parted ways I went back to the basics. I went and purchased the Backstage Newspaper and it brought me back to life. It was my life preserver in a time I felt like I was drowning. I did what I knew and that was to go back to something familiar, I went back to the industry.

             
I read everything from the first page, all the pages in between, even the back of the newspaper and I prayed that there would be something in there that would give me the same “this is it” feeling I had when I was 15.. I could’ve gotten a job bar tending, working at a club, doing promotional modeling or dancing but I didn’t want to settle. I knew I was in LA to do what I was meant to do and that was to be an entertainer.

             
I was back on my grind again going to audition to audition and after a few weeks I started booking work again.

             
I started landing some of the best jobs in the city and I was starting to feel like my old self again. The fear I had of constantly looking over my shoulder was beginning to go away and I was slowly easing back into life.

             
I got wind of Draya Michele coming into town and I sent her my contact info on twitter and told her that we should hook up once she landed. We met up after she touched down and being that she is from Philly our mentalities were similar in having that go getter attitude. I would soon find out that she was promiscuous and the kind of person who would be with whoever she needed to in order to get some press.

             
I recall me going to see her one time and she informed me that the guy she was with had a lot of money and would give us whatever we wanted if we did some things for him. I knew what she was implying and I’ve never been the type to exchange sexual favors for money but I never judged her. It did bother me that she didn’t realize that she didn’t have to do these things or stoop that low to get what she wanted. Draya is a beautiful girl and I’m sure if she went about it a different way she could still achieve the same things without having to sell herself short.

             
As different as we were in some ways there were a lot of things about her that intrigued me. She ended up staying in LA longer than her trip required and we began to hang out with each other a lot. Most of the time when we went out our expenses were always taken care of so we would typically be out partying everyday of the week just enjoying the city and taking in as much of LA as we could.

             
We were coming from a club one night when Draya grabbed me by the face in the backseat of a cab and started kissing me. She was a sloppy kisser but the intensity and passion she had made up for it. I became aroused and began fondling her and we were soon drawn into our own world. I was excited by the way that she touched me but I could tell that she was taking this a lot more seriously than I was.

             
Once we got back to my apartment I grabbed her and asked her to strip. She had an amazing body, very pretty light skin, nice breasts and a fat ass. She did what I said and when she got to her panties she started playing with herself. She lay down on the bed and asked me to join her. From the moment we started having sex I knew that she was way more into it than I was. Draya always wanted to be number one in everything that she did so she was probably trying to prove to me that she could make love to me better than any man ever could.

             
She buried her face between my legs and occasionally looked up and made eye contact to make sure I was enjoying what she was doing to me. I pulled her on top of me and held her tight as we ground our bodies into each other. The tighter my embrace became the more powerful her strokes were. We moved in a way that seemed to rival the Karma Sutra and as her body jerked I felt her come all over me.

             
Had I shared her attraction and been as into her as she was into me then our sex probably would’ve been mind blowing but because I was still holding on to all this hurt I never allowed myself to love other people.

             
I wasn’t really ready for someone to be as involved with me as Draya was. I still needed time to heal from Raul and I didn’t want to lead her on or give her the wrong impression. Still, we behaved as if we were in a relationship and we started to rely on each other to fill the voids we had in our lives.

Chapter Eleven

             
When

the story surfaced about
Draya abandoning her son I immediately took her side and stuck up for her. She was being accused for leaving him home alone for several days in a filthy apartment with a caged dog, feces, and microwave dinners. Reports were saying that in order for the seven year old to get into his gated community he would have to wait for someone to leave or exit the building which would sometimes take hours. 

             
I heard the story and read it on blogs before I was able to confront Draya and ask her about it myself but I put myself out there for her without knowing the truth and anytime I was asked about the situation I told them that it was all lies. After avoiding me for a few days she told me that there wasn’t any truth to it so I believed her.

             
The police report leaked and it soon came out that it was in fact true and I felt let down and betrayed. I had stuck my neck out for someone who I thought was my friend and she had lied to me. Here I was yet again being taken advantage of and used by someone that I cared about and who supposedly cared for me.

             
We parted ways after that. I wished her well and we never hung out or partied together again. I couldn’t respect someone who would go out of their way for attention and would sleep with random people for the moment but couldn’t take care of their own child. Granted, we all fuck up and make mistakes but it was the fact that she befriended me and allowed me to defend her when she knew it was true all along.

             
I would never let a friend of mine do that if I knew for a fact that I was wrong, not only that but I would give them a clear explanation on what happened so they wouldn’t be blind sided. My problem is that I always treat someone how I would want them to treat me if not better and when that isn’t reciprocated I end up being hurt.

             
After Draya I knew I needed to be more cautious with the people that I allowed to get close to me. I started having relationships with other female models and I found that I was trying to be the partner that I would want someone to be for me. I was trying to give the passion that Draya gave me to other women but the sex was never good because they were incapable of giving me that same feeling back.

             
My experiences with women became more spontaneous and fun. I felt in control and safe when I was with women. I was letting go of all my inhibitions and it felt good. I would have sleepovers and have them dress up for me and at the end of the night we would end up in bed where we would have these wild and crazy orgies. I was constantly on the search for something that would allow me to forget all the bad things and at the same time give me the love that I never had.

             
California was really starting to grow on me, I loved everything about it and although I was away from my son I knew that I was doing all of this for him so that thought alone made things easier. I was on a constant grind and was doing the damn thing. The video I had shot with Akon had just aired and was receiving heavy rotation on TV as well as on the radio. I was still experimenting with girls and just having a blast. I was coming into my own and I didn’t have to worry about being controlled or abused anymore.

             
It’s true that you never know what you have until it’s gone but for Raul I think it was more so he felt like he was losing the hold he had on me and he didn’t like it. The first few club appearances and gigs I tried to book were a no go. I was turned away and later found out that Raul had intimidated and threatened the promoters, which resulted in me not being able to work. He was still trying to maintain control over my life and I think he was starting to realize he was losing it. Here I was trying to do whatever I could for my son and myself and he was doing his best to hinder my progress.

             
Lady El of Murda Mami’s called to invite me to host her Sunday party in Jersey at Jersey Girls, I agreed and she sent me the flyer that night. On the flyer was a DJ by the name of Envy and I admit I was instantly attracted to him. I thought he was very good looking and the flyer was extremely flattering. Two days afterwards I was flicking through the channels and stopped on MTV. I was watching a music video that I was in and out of nowhere the same guy from the flyer was on my screen corresponding and spinning on the show.

             
I had my first celebrity boy crush and I thought he was such a cutie. I called Lady El that night and played it off by asking questions about the party then I switched to Envy. She told me that his real name was Raashaun Casey, that he was a good friend of hers and that he was a cool person. Me being the overly flirtatious girl I am I told her to tell him that I said hi. She laughed and said that she would.

             
A few days went by and I got a text from El saying that Envy said hi back and asked for my number. I wasn’t really thinking of a relationship, but aside from Trent I couldn’t recall ever being attracted to a man, yet here I was with this high school crush over someone I had only seen on a flyer. I told her to give him my number and he eventually texted me and said “hey its envy” when I read it I started smiling. I didn’t know what it was but I liked the feeling he was giving me.

              Social networks are the devil and unless your profiles are private and you’re filtering who’s following you then for all you know it could be the President. Little did I know that this guy who I was now fond of had started following me on all my social networks and he ended up witnessing an argument I was having with Raul over Twitter.

             
Raul had started going on this rant of threatening me and I remember reading it and just being so over it, I was over the threats, over the text messages, and I had developed a who cares, nobody cares just leave me alone kind of frustration towards him. I probably should have ignored myself but I couldn’t. My annoyance level was at an all time high so I replied back to him and we started going tit for tat. Every time he would tweet me something crazy, I would go back at him even harder.

             
Unbeknownst to me, Envy was watching all of this. He obviously called El because she called me and said that he had been reading everything and wanted to know what the extent of our relationship was. I let her know that I was no longer with him and that I was in a new phase in my life and to tell Envy that he had nothing to worry about.

             
I knew El could since my vulnerability so she started giving me advice and telling me that I shouldn’t feed into Raul’s foolishness. Raul purposely antagonized me and hurt me even though I was gone simply because he knew that he could. She told me that I should treat him like a child. That maybe if I stopped reacting to the things that he was doing and just ignore him that he would see that it wasn’t effecting me anymore and stop.

             
I got off the phone with El and decided to text Envy, he didn’t reply back for a while but I didn’t care either, it was like okay whatever, if he does he does if not then that’s okay too. He finally responded later that night and its funny because that one text ignited an unexpected relationship. We began texting constantly, he would call me several times a day and we would Skype for hours. We even Skyped while he was at work, which was dope because I was able to see him in his element. We talked to each other about everything.

             
On the day of the party El picked me up from the airport and we went to grab some food at a Chinese restaurant. We caught each other up on our lives and what we had going on and the conversation soon switched to Envy. She told me that he worked a lot; he had two kids that he spent time with on the weekends, and that he was a good guy. Two kids? This may have been a red flag for most women but I didn’t give it much thought since he seemed as interested in me as I was in him. I did wonder if there would be any baby momma drama and how it would work since he had two kids and I had King but I couldn’t spend time thinking about something that didn’t have any bearing on my life at the moment.

             
We went back to her house to get ready and I was making sure to pay extra attention to my appearance. I would be seeing Envy for the first time tonight and I had to make sure I looked good. As soon as I got to Jersey Girls they walked me to the booth that I would be sitting at. El was excited to introduce us so she took me by the hand and walked me over to him. My heart was racing and as she taped him on the shoulder I tried my best to remain calm.

             
The first time we made eye contact it was serious chemistry. It was the sexiest introduction I ever had in my life. Sure, all we had said was hi but I definitely felt something and I knew he did too. Everything was on point from the jump. Our energy was in sync with one another and it was this electricity flowing between us that had me anxious to see what was going to happen next.

              Yes I had just gotten out of a very chaotic relationship with Raul and yes I was still vulnerable and naive in some aspects but I also wanted to know what it would be like to be with someone and actually be attracted to them. I wanted to know if the relationships I saw so often in movies were real and if it was, if I was capable of being in such a relationship. I remember taking shot after shot, and feeling really good. I was tipsy enough to be brave and grab the mic and I started throwing flirtatious statements at him and I could see him smiling ear to ear. I thought his face was the cutest thing. I loved his smile. Nothing happened that night and I was okay with that because the anticipation of seeing what was to come kept me interested.

             
From that day forward we sent each other pictures of what we looked like for the day. I would send him a morning picture of me just waking up then another one showing him what I wore for the day. He was adamant about the pictures and I didn’t have a problem giving him what he liked. Maybe it was the distance and because I didn’t live in NY but I never had that kind of attention with Raul and I didn’t know what it was like to have someone constantly give you compliments and make you feel good about yourself.

             
After going through everything with Raul it was rough and I just wanted something new, before you knew it we started going on trips to Miami to spend time together. I was using certain connections that weren’t linked or connected to Raul to help Envy and Lady El do parties there. I was known in Miami as well so I would agree to go and he would fly me in.

             
The first time he invited me to come to Miami I landed and the first thing I did was swing by Mansion so I could pick up some money that a friend owed me. I was the last one to arrive in Miami so El, Joyce, Envy’s good friend Shawn and my business partner at the time Rhonda were already there. I lost track of time so when I arrived at Joyce’s house everyone had gone to their hotel rooms. I felt bad because Envy had flown me out there and instead of checking in with him first I had gone off and did my own thing. I didn’t want him to be mad or upset with me because I really liked him.

             
I tried calling but I kept getting his voicemail. Eventually El told me where he was staying and I immediately headed over. I knocked on the door several times and after standing in the hallway like an idiot I was ready to leave. When I started to knock again, the door opened and my heart literally dropped down to my ass.

             
The lights were all off and the TV was on and I could tell that he had been sleeping. I felt bad for waking him but I hoped he wouldn’t be too mad at me. I gave him a kiss and a hug and we sat on the couch. I started apologizing for being late and I could tell that he really didn’t care he just seemed to be happy that I was with him now. At first I felt a little weird because he kept touching my face and staring at me.

             
We started giving each other all these subtle touches while we talked and with each one my body was getting goose bumps. He was awakening parts of me that I had never felt before and I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom because I was super wet. At 22 I had never felt that before or been that stimulated where my vagina moistened that much but I was super turned on already and he hadn’t even really touched me

             
When I came out of the bathroom he grabbed me and immediately started kissing me. He held me by the face and wouldn’t let me go. For a few seconds it was awkward but after awhile I shut off the shyness and anything else that was causing me to hold back. He asked me to lay on my stomach so he could give me a massage, I laid down even though I knew where this was going and even though I had just met him I couldn’t ignore the way my body was responding to him. 

              He kneaded my back, rubbed my shoulders and every time he would go down towards my butt to massage my lower back I got tingles. I started to moan and I guess the sounds of me enjoying what he was doing gave him the green light to keep going. The massage turned into him slowly turning me over and kissing me again, he worked his way to my neck and then towards my breasts, which he grabbed with both hands and pushed closer to his face. I looked down at him and his gaze back was really intense. He continued places kisses on my body all the way down my stomach only stopping to slide my dress off.

             
I had on white lace panties and while they were still on he blew on my vagina and began to kiss it. He was kissing all over me and as he was opening my legs he kissed between my inner thighs. He kissed, licked and sucked on every inch of my body as if I was his favorite type of candy.