Underneath It All (6 page)

Chapte
r
Eight

Raul’s

birthday was approaching and I asked my friend
Niresha
to pick me up so I could go to the mall and pick him out a gift. I wasn’t too thrilled about his birthday nor was I about to go all out for it but given the fact that I knew he had a rough childhood I tried to be a good girlfriend and show him as much affection as possible.

             
When she came over I had just gotten done hurling in the bathroom and for the past two days I had been waking up sick. My appetite was already funny because some days I wouldn’t eat from being so stressed out so I thought that had something to do with it and I was just coming down with some kind of bug. When I answered the door she looked and me and asked what was wrong. I told her and her first response was that I was pregnant. I denied it and when we went to the mall she kept going on and on about how I had all the symptoms. I really wasn’t trying to hear what she was saying so I ignored her.

             
One thing about her is that she did have the tendency to predict things. I don’t know if they were premonitions or what but she had been that way since I met her. I prayed over and over that it wasn’t true and that she wasn’t right. After we left the mall she dropped me off and advised that I get some rest and try to eat something.

             
She came back the next day and I had just gotten another beating from Raul. I was really sad and not all the way there and when I let her in she sensed that my spirit was down. She grabbed my hand and led me into the bathroom that was in my bedroom and gave me the pregnancy test that had been in the pharmacy bag she was carrying. I laughed at her because she was so convinced that I was pregnant. I probably laughed because I didn’t know what to do. She read the instructions to me and with her standing there; I pulled my panties down, sat on the toilet and began peeing on the stick.

             
It was weird because Linda kept popping in my head and I was thinking about how hard it was for her to have Jason at a young age. I started thinking about my sisters, my career; I mean what if I was pregnant? Everything flashed before my eyes and I became really nervous. My hands were clammy and I was hot and suddenly overwhelmed. With Linda as an example I always said that if I was stupid enough to get pregnant then I would be smart enough to keep it. This was my motto for a long time and now at 18 whether I was ready or not, I may have to put it to the test.

             
When it was time to check the results it read positive clear as day. I cried at first mainly because I knew my relationship with Raul was unhealthy and I was unhappy. Financially I wasn’t ready for a child and I knew I had a lot ahead of me that I still wanted to do. How was I going to do that with a child? I cried because in a round about way I thought that this life growing inside of me was providing me with the sanity I needed in a very hectic and chaotic situation. I knew that if I was really pregnant like the test indicated then I would finally have something that was mine that wouldn’t hurt me or leave me yet I would have something that I would have to protect and take care of because now someone was depending on me to bring them into a world that they hadn’t asked to be brought into.

             
Raul’s birthday was that night and I didn’t know how to tell him or what his reaction would be given that he already had two kids. I didn’t know if he would hit me or if he would leave me out in the cold. I didn’t know what to expect and a part of me didn’t care. I just knew I had to tell him and that God had placed this child in me so I had to suck it up and allow whatever was going to happen, to happen. I was scared but I knew that if I hid it from him any longer it was only going to get worse for me so I put the test inside a card that I had gotten him.

             
Once midnight hit he was standing out on the balcony with Frankie smoking a cigarette and I casually went up to him, handed it to him and walked back into the bedroom. When he entered the room he asked me what I was going to do and I told him that I was going to keep my baby. Why do men always do that? Why do they always say, “What are you going to do?” No bitch, it should be what are
we
going to do since
we
are the ones that created this child. Right then and there we named it. He told me that if it were a boy his name would be King. At first I wasn’t feeling it. I had already had a name picked out from when I was younger.

             
Every young girl played M.A.S.H. Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House. You picked your favorite number, named three girls and three boys (I think it was three) then you named your favorite cars, favorite places and then went around the paper counting and matching things up with the corresponding numbers. At the end of the game you knew where you were going to live, what you were going to live in, what you were going to drive and whom you were going to marry. You also knew how many children you were going to have and what their names would be. Of course all of this was hypothetical but I had grown up with this the name of my child and I wanted it to be Javien.

             
The next day we went to the clinic and I was expecting us to walk in together but he sent me all the way left by deciding to sit in the car and telling me to go in alone. He gave me the excuse that he didn’t want people to look at him funny since I was as young as I was and he was much older. I didn’t know how to check him on his bullshit at that moment but it was funny to me that now all of a sudden our age difference was a problem and he was now paying attention to what people thought.

             
He reclined the seat and as much as I wanted to slap the shit out of him I got out the car and walked into the clinic alone. The lobby was really packed and as I looked around I took in all the women who had already had kids or were getting ready to have a kid and it hit me that I was going to be one of them. There were other women there with their man and whether they were together or not they were still there supporting them. I pictured Raul, our child and myself and I hoped that this baby would bring us together as a family.

             
When my name was finally called and I went into see the doctor she confirmed that not only was I pregnant, but I was actually four months along. This baby had been inside me this whole time and I didn’t know it. Not only that but he had been in there all the times that Raul had beat my ass. I called my mom and told her and Linda that I was pregnant and the disdain in my mother’s voice was obvious. She hated Raul and the way that I had changed since I had been with him. She saw how he talked to me and I’m sure she had a feeling that he was abusive.

             
There are always things that you think you’re good at covering up but in reality you’re not hiding anything. My mother knew what was going on and instead of allowing her to be there for me I pushed her away. I knew my mother would be there for me regardless but at the same time I feel like I had disappointed her by getting pregnant.

              Raul had to go on this random trip to Russia, which left me alone and pregnant. We had gotten into an argument right before he was leaving and he had grabbed me and I reacted by trying to push him off of me. We pushed and pulled at each other until he shoved me and I fell down the stairs. I started bleeding instantly and I thought I had cut myself from the fall. I didn’t think that it was something that had to do with the baby. I had never been pregnant before so I didn’t know what things I should be concerned about or incidents that might occur that should cause alarm.

             
After I fell he left. He walked right out the door without checking to see if I was okay. He didn’t even look back. I didn’t call the cops because I didn’t want to get him in trouble. I know, I know, it sounds stupid but you have to understand that not only was I in shock from the fall but I was afraid of what might happen to me if I did call the cops or anybody for that matter.

             
I never told anyone. I had been groomed to just deal with it. I went to the bathroom to try to wipe it away and at this point my belly was too big so I couldn’t see down there so I thought everything was okay. I got in the bed and tried to comfort myself the best I could and eventually I fell asleep.

             
The next morning my first thought was to go back to New York. Up until that point I had developed an attitude of having done everything on my own and now I had to let my pride go in order to give my son a fighting chance. I wanted to give him a better way of entering the world and I knew that if I stayed, his chances were slim to none. As long as I remained with Raul the abuse would continue and worst of all I may end up losing him. I didn’t want that to happen and just the thought of it brought tears to my eyes. I shipped a few things back home and I packed what I could carry and I left.

             
When I got back to the Bronx I stayed with my sister Lisa and got my doctor’s and everything in order. I made all the necessary appointments and was trying to get things back on track. My stay with Lisa was very short lived because we didn’t get along at all during my pregnancy. Both of us are Scorpios and we have our own way of doing things and after a while it became too much.

             
Lisa is a little obsessive with the way she organizes things in her house; everything has its own place, has to face a certain way and it frustrated me because not only was it already hard being under someone else’s roof but now I had to deal with all of her annoying habits. She got mad at me for moving something of hers and not putting it back in its proper place and the argument almost turned physical. I was pregnant so I wasn’t about to fight her. Instead, I just grabbed some of my things and walked out.

             
I had just left Raul and I wasn’t sure how I was going to provide for myself, I wasn’t really getting along with my family and now I had just walked out of my sister’s house in the rain. For the first time I really felt like I didn’t know what to do with my life. In the past I was able to deal with things as they came because all I had to worry about was myself but I couldn’t do that anymore.

             
I called Ralph; Lisa and Linda’s father, who was like an uncle to me. I was hesitant on calling him at first because I didn’t want to involve anyone else in our business and I didn’t want to burden anyone with all the drama that I had going on. After weighing what little options I had, I gave in. He instantly asked where I was after hearing how distraught I sounded and when I told him that Lisa and I had gotten into a fight, him and his wife Francis offered to come and pick me up and take me back to their house.

             
Back at the house we ended up talking and I caught him up on everything that had been going on. I was comfortable opening up to him because of the relationship we had and although I didn’t know his wife that well she was really warm hearted and accepted me with open arms. They were kind enough to offer me a place to stay until I had the baby and although I didn’t want to intrude, I also had no where to go so I humbled myself and gladly thanked them for their hospitality.

             
I needed support and I needed to be in an environment that wasn’t hostile so I could make sure this was an easy pregnancy for King. I ended up calling Raul and we spoke for a few hours. I found that people will always say whatever they need to in order to get you to do what they want and for the first time in his life he apologized. I know now that the only reason he did that was so I would come back to him. He said that he would be going to Miami to look for work but regardless of what he was saying I knew I had to stay in New York.

             
I had the vision of us making this family thing work and a big part of me still held on to that hope. After I turned down his offer he started giving me the cold shoulder again. Days would go by and he wouldn’t call or check up on me. I was really sad because he wasn’t there for anything. He never sent money or gifts for King or did anything that a man should do when the woman he’s with is about to have his baby.

             
My faith in myself began to fade. I started getting depressed and every time I had to go to the doctor, or go to bed at night, the little things like not being able to see my feet or be catered to while pregnant made me feel lonely and abandoned. I talked to King a lot in utero and I would often sing to him the same song my mother sang to me when I was inside her. Talking to him is what got me by. I would tell him that we were going to be okay and that we were going to make it but I think I was also trying to convince myself that what I was saying was true.

             
As my due date approached I got excited. The moments of feeling him kick at night, seeing his foot or going shopping for him made me happy. Francis and Ralph were really hands on and I would come home sometimes and they would have gifts for him and I think that was there way of showing me that everything would work out and that I actually had support.

             
Through most of my pregnancy I ate really well but this one particular night I was extremely hungry. I was sitting with Ralph and Francis and as we were talking and eating I started to feel pain in my stomach. It felt like pressure, like I was bloated or something but with each wave the pain increased. I couldn’t comprehend it at first because I just assumed that King was sitting the wrong way or kicking me. I excused myself and went to the bathroom and as I went to wipe I saw this weird colored discharge.