Virtue & Vanity (8 page)

I wasn’t a fool. That girl was simply displaying what everyone, including myself, was thinking. I looked away and then returned my eyes to Anne.

“You don’t have to apologize. Only a fool wouldn’t notice how much I stand out in this place. I will never fit in here.” I looked away again.

“Don’t talk like that, Isabelle. Of course you’ll fit in. Just give yourself a little time to learn. I’m sure Sebastian will help you a lot as well,” she comforted me.

“Yes.” I sighed and laughed bitterly. “I’m sure he’ll help me.” My voice was sprinkled with sarcasm.

Anne gazed at me with a baffled look on her face like she didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t in the mood for talking either.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized and tried not to look upset. “I’m just tired. Everything’s been quite overwhelming lately. I think I might go for that walk outside to clear my mind.”

“That’s a great idea,” she encouraged me. “Don’t worry too much. Everything will be fine, you’ll see.” But she didn’t know that nothing could ever be fine again.

***

Walking through the beautiful garden had been good for me. I truly enjoyed all the colors and scents of spring that overwhelmed my senses. I discovered one part that was almost hidden in the shadow of the trees, sprinkled with the greenest grass and roses of all shapes, colors and sizes. Roses were my favorite flowers and the ones that were the color of blood amazed me with their mysterious allure. There was something about roses—their thorns shielded the vulnerable petals and the beauty could only be admired from afar. I sat on a swing chair nearby and admired that newfound piece of heaven. It was like I’d found a hidden sanctuary where everything bad seemed to be far away—I didn’t have a mother who cared only about money, I wasn’t married to the man who terrified me, I wasn’t living in the house where even the help made fun of me. I escaped into the world where there was nothing but heavenly peace and harmony. Foolishly, I stole a moment in which I believed that nobody could hurt me or force me to do anything I didn’t want to do. The calmness of that place was so appealing that even my drive for writing returned. Weeks had gone by without a single thought about the story I wrote crossing my mind. I was hit by the realization that I wasn’t innocent enough to believe in happy endings anymore. There would never be a happily ever after, at least not for me. An incredulous smile curved my lips when I became aware that I had completely lost my way and sense of being. After sitting there for a long time, I knew my moments of serenity had come to an end and I had to head back.

Once I reached the mansion, Anne was already waiting for me.

She greeted me with a sign of relief written on her face. “Oh, thank God you’re back. I was worried you’d miss dinner.”

“It was really nice in the garden, so I kind of lost track of time.”

“I can imagine. I knew you would like it. Sebastian hasn’t arrived yet. He’s working late, as usual. If you want, you can eat in your room,” she suggested.

“That won’t be necessary. I’ll eat in the dining room.” I didn’t want to do something that wasn’t preferable on my first day there.

***

After dinner I went straight to my bedroom. Having a Sebastian-free day had been wonderful, but I knew he had to come home sooner or later. I had an awful feeling that he would seek me out that evening. The moment I entered the room, the heavy stone of anxiety settled back on my chest. I took a long shower and went to bed, but sleep didn’t come easy. The smallest sounds alarmed me and I feared he was coming my way. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t close my eyes and go to sleep because I was afraid of what would happen when I woke up. I twisted and turned in my bed, until my tiredness overpowered me and I gradually fell asleep.

The parquet floor squealed under the heavy steps that progressed towards me. My breath froze; my heartbeat raced as I awaited something bad to happen. I could feel him above me, but I couldn’t see him. His hand touched me possessively and I winced, my body jerking in an attempt to get away from him. I willed myself to open my eyes and scream, but my body and my voice betrayed me. I was blind, mute, paralyzed—completely at his mercy. The bed creaked as he climbed on it and terror gripped every cell of my body. It was happening again and I was useless. I couldn’t defend myself. I didn’t want to be hurt again. I didn’t want—

Just as he was about to touch me again, a scream tore from my throat and my eyes flew open, only to witness the empty room that surrounded me. My whole body was covered in sweat and my breathing was rapid. I realized I’d had another terrible nightmare. Sebastian hadn’t visited me that night either, but the dream still felt very real.

It took me a while to relax and calm down. I decided to unpack, get dressed and head for the dining room. When I walked in, Sebastian was already there, obviously just starting with his breakfast because all of the food in front of him had been untouched. It was stupid of me, but I didn’t expect to see him and I couldn’t hide the shock on my face. Luckily, he didn’t spare me as much as a glance because he was focused on his newspaper.

“Good morning.” I felt obliged to greet him in some way.

Even though it took a lot of effort to address him, I wasn’t rewarded with a reply. He was too busy reading some kind of long article. Despite being tempted to run away, I knew that leaving was not an option. I sat as far away from him as I could and tried to make myself as small as possible. Theresa was serving me breakfast when he got up abruptly, told her he wasn’t hungry anymore and left. She glowed over my humiliation, but she didn’t know that I was happy as long as he was away from me.

“I must tell you that this is very strange, madam.” She stressed the last word. “That was the first time Mr. Everett left his food untouched.” She tried to sound concerned and I just shrugged, pretending her comment didn’t faze me.

“He must have lost his appetite.” Apparently she wasn’t going to let it go
.
 “Hmm, I wonder why?” she said and hurried back into the kitchen with a smirk on her face.

Suddenly I lost my appetite as well, and left before that mean girl got a chance to come back and play with my patience some more.

***

The following three weeks went by in the same pattern. The nightmares caused by the fear of Sebastian wanting to consummate our marriage again, came back every night. I would always wake up terrified, screaming and panting for air. Still, despite my horrible fears, he never once came to my room. Though my nightmares wouldn’t go away, I gradually lulled myself into a feeling of safety, thinking he didn’t want to sleep with me again. When I would eat in the dining room, he was also never there. In the short time I’d lived in his house, I learned that he was a workaholic to the core—he would always be working late in the company or be away on one of his many business trips. If he wasn’t home, which was almost all the time, I would spend some time in the library searching for an interesting book to read. When I would find the right book, I often went to that secluded rose garden and read for a while. Then I would write, sometimes for hours on end. I had a pen and a little notebook in which I confided my thoughts while working on a story that was, for the first time, marked with agony, instead of love. The heroine thought she had found her Prince Charming, but she realized she’d been fooled when she learned his true colors. The plot that was supposed to be so simple and innocent, had taken a very different turn and I wondered if I would ever be able to finish it. I tried to come up with a twist in which the hero wanted to redeem himself, but that proved to be very difficult and I had major writers’ block. After a while, I stopped writing altogether, because I realized that the magic I used to feel when I worked on the story was entirely gone. Still, I enjoyed reading and whenever I could, I would sit on the swing chair and allow imagination to take me away from the harsh reality of what my life had become.

Chapter Eleven

One day when I was convinced that Sebastian wasn’t home, I decided to spend some time in the beautiful library and inspect all of its contents. The sun glared through numerous windows, bathing the spacious room with the golden light while I curiously observed countless shelves, noticing a great number of intriguing titles. Most of the books belonged to the genre of philosophy, psychology or politics, but there was one shelf marked as “Classic Romance.” Since I was helplessly in love with books like 
Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights 
and
 Gone with the Wind
, I felt like I’d discovered a chest full of hidden treasure. I noticed the book I’d wanted to read for a long time but never got a chance to—
The Age of Innocence 
by
 Edith Wharton
. I had scanned that shelf before, but that precious work of art had never caught my eye, until now. The movie adaptation had been interesting, but I was quite curious about the book. Now when I had it in front of me at last, I reached for it excitedly, ignoring the fact that it was too high and almost out of range. My fingers barely touched the cover and I stretched so I could pull the book from the shelf—which turned out to be a big mistake, because the entire shelf started falling down. With the book in my hand I screamed loudly, realizing I’d managed to get away from the falling shelf at the last moment. I just stood there, having no idea how I was supposed to clean up the mess that I’d made.

“Having fun?” I froze when I heard the voice that sent chills down my spine.

It was him—the man from my nightmares. I was scared out of my mind, but I knew I had no other choice than to face him. 
Why did he have to be home? 
When I turned around, I noticed his eyes were sending a message that there would be hell to pay.

“I-I just wanted... wanted to get the book,” I spoke inarticulately and gestured to the book in my hands.

He stood there motionless, and yet I was intimidated by him. Eventually, he walked up to me and I cowered away as fear coursed through me. His eyes warned me not to argue when he ripped the book from my trembling hands. After he scanned its covers his eyes locked with mine again.

“I have to say, I’m not at all impressed by your choice of reading,” he taunted.

That man had to shame me for everything. In a desperate attempt to avoid his knowing eyes, I nervously looked around for a while. As I tried to mentally prepare for his fire of hatred, tears pricked my eyes. With all my will, I struggled to hold them back.

“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I managed to say with my dignity still intact.

“Next time when you decide to tear down shelves to get to ridiculous books, you might want to consider the fact that all of the luxury that surrounds you didn’t fall from the sky. Believe it or not, someone has to work for it. That someone is me and I don’t like to be interrupted while I’m working.” His voice was calm, but his eyes sent a message of fury.

I looked down and whispered. “I understand.”

He lifted up my chin and my mind flashed back to when I was crying in the bathtub after our wedding night—he’d done the same then. I couldn’t move.

“Don’t look away from me,” his quiet voice warned.

The rhythm of my breathing increased as he let his hand fall down to my breast and abdomen. His grip tightened around my hip as the shivering vibrations ran through my body. He leaned really close, never moving his gaze from mine. Without a doubt, he could see the traces of unshed tears in my eyes and he looked like he was fighting something. My lips trembled as his were only an inch away. If it wasn’t for his tight grip, I was sure I would pass out from fear. The scent of his cologne lurked in the air and the moment I smelled it, scary images flashed in my mind. The pounding of my heart rose up to my ears and I couldn’t handle his closeness anymore. Tears inched their way out, betraying me once again. He immediately stepped back and released me.

“Relax. I’m not going to fuck you,” he scoffed at me and left.

His words instilled paralyzing terror in me again, leaving me numb with fear of what would come. I’d made myself believe he didn’t want any physical contact with me anymore, but he’d proved me wrong. Furious with myself for knocking over the damn shelf the very day he was home, I started picking up books that were lying around, and stacked them together.

***

Anne found me fighting with a pile of books only minutes after the incident with Sebastian. He had to have told her to come to me. I tried to hide how shaken I was, but given the worried look on her face, it was clear that I was very bad at it.

“What happened here, dear?” she asked curiously.

“My stupidity. That’s what happened,” I scowled at myself. “I wanted to reach a book and wound up crushing the entire shelf.” My voice cracked as I tried to clarify what took place in the library.

“Don’t worry about it. These things happen. The repairman will fix everything. Don’t waste your energy on it,” she soothed.

I nodded with appreciation, but I couldn’t relax after what had happened. Panic took hold of me and wouldn’t let go. Anne took my hand and helped me stand up. She gave me a tight hug, and I broke down. After everything that had happened, I never once had any source of comfort apart from that kind gesture. I sobbed on her shoulder, accepting her warm solace.

“It’s alright,” she said as she stroked my hair. “Let it out, whatever it is, just let it out.”

And I did, until I had no more tears to cry. A bond that would never be broken was created between us. When I managed to get a hold of myself, we just sat next to each other without uttering as much as a single word.

“I’m so afraid of him. Of what he’ll do to me,” I mumbled after a long break of silence.

“Sebastian?” she asked cautiously and I nodded.

“I can’t sleep at night. It’s always on my mind.” My cheeks reddened as I confessed that I was terrified of my husband.

She observed my sad face for a while, wiped away one of my fresh tears and tentatively brushed her hand over my shoulder.

“I’ve known him since he was a child Isabelle, and, in a way, he’s like a son to me. Sometimes he can be harsh or seem cruel, but there is a very noble and good man behind that mask. You have to give yourself and him some time.” She hoped her words would comfort me.

“You don’t know what he’s done.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes when I said that. I couldn’t think about it without feeling desperately ashamed.

For a while neither of us spoke. Honestly, I didn’t blame her, because it was obvious her words wouldn’t help me at that moment. I was drained and in desperate need of some peace and quiet.

“Thank you, Anne. You don’t know how grateful I am.” I hugged her.

She squeezed my hand. “I’m here for you. Anytime you need to talk to somebody.”

I thanked her one more time and looked at her wanly before heading off to my room.

After a few hours of restless sleep, I woke up with a light headache. The tension wouldn’t leave my system and I spent most of the time tossing and turning in my bed instead of sleeping, because I didn’t want to go through another nightmare. It was dinner time, and I felt relieved because I knew Sebastian wouldn’t be there. I took a short shower in the bathroom, fixed my hair and opened the closet to find some decent clothes to wear. The only problem was that, as I had already perceived earlier, even my best clothing items seemed inappropriate for that place. When I managed to find a pair of jeans and a shirt that didn’t look like it had been washed a hundred times, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and once again became aware that I still didn’t look decent enough. After deciding I was too hungry to continue digging through the closet, I accepted the fact that I was a walking fashion disaster and headed downstairs.

When I entered the dining room, I was in complete shock by what I found there. Sebastian sat at the table, glaring at me. His eyes traveled over my body, making my cheeks burn because I felt terribly exposed. I could tell he questioned my choice of clothing because he sighed in disappointment after taking his eyes off me. Visibly shaken, I took a seat across from him. I fumbled with the table cloth, keeping my gaze focused on it the entire time. He cleared his throat seemingly seeking my attention. I moistened my lips, let out a sigh and then looked up at him for a split second. He wouldn’t take his eyes off me and an immense rush of insecurity washed over me. Theresa walked in with a tray of food and kept that annoying smirk on her face the whole time.

“Thank you, Theresa,” Sebastian said after she was done serving us dinner.

Instead of thanking her as well, I flashed a courteous smile and looked away from her malicious gaze. My ice cold, unpredictable husband and I and were alone again. It was absurd that I felt threatened by him even in ridiculous situations such as eating dinner. Convinced that he was inspecting my every move, I was very meticulous about my choice of cutlery. It must have been extremely amusing watching me sweat over knives and forks. He actually smiled when he noticed my uneasiness, but that smile had been replaced with his cold mask within seconds.

“I see you’ve got the hang of it,” he commented on the fact that I’d managed to eat properly in front of him.

“I’ve been practicing,” I replied quietly.

“I know.” His eyes sparkled with amusement and it was obvious that he was referring to the tape that Mr. Andre made for him.

Imagining him watch that tape made me feel uneasy, and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. The rest of our meal went by in a quiet, tensed atmosphere. Having dinner together felt unnatural and I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. His demeanor was intense and unfathomable. More than anything, I wanted to know exactly what his intentions were, because my mind was coming up with some pretty dreadful ideas. As his eyes glared at me with their green mysterious depths, I became more restless. If he was playing some kind of game with me, which was probably the case, I had to get out of there. I got up without thinking and found myself in a very weird situation because I didn’t know what to say to him.

“I,” I said in a whisper and he raised his eyebrows as a sign that he was listening to me. “I am,” I had no idea what to say, “…a little tired.” That wasn’t completely untrue.

He mumbled something under his breath and then spoke with condescending clarity.

“You’re free to go.” He smirked. “I’m not holding you hostage here, am I!?”

The blush caused by his comment heated up my cheeks and I almost ran out of the dining room. I couldn’t walk fast enough to get away from him. Once in the room, I closed the door and leaned on it, gasping for air. The events of the day troubled me. First the library disaster and then he showed up for dinner. It was a lot more Sebastian in one day than I could possibly handle.

The ringing of my cell phone summoned me back to reality. I picked it up and Mother’s controlling, high-pitched, honeyed voice greeted me from the other side. I opened the balcony door right away because I needed some fresh air.

“Hi honey. It’s Mom,” she said in a lively voice.

“Hi, Mother.” I was less excited about hearing her.

“How’s the married life?” She practically sang the words.

“Fine.” I decided that I wouldn’t share any details with her.

“Oh, I have so much to tell you. I went to church yesterday and everybody’s been asking about your wedding. Why, it’s the event of the year here in Rosemont,” she teased in her deep southern accent.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying the attention.” I didn’t even try to make it sound like I meant it in a nice way. 

“Well, it has been a bit overwhelming I have to say. It’s not easy to play the role of your mother right now. You should see all the jealous looks I get from the other women,” she complained.

Only she would think that the other women were jealous of her. They were probably shocked by the way I’d gotten married—but then again, the people in Rosemont were so unpredictable, that nothing would come to me as a surprise.

“I know it hasn’t been easy for you,” I said, without hiding the irony in my voice.

She sighed. “Well, honey, there is nothing that a mother wouldn’t do for her daughter.”

Was she for real?
 I was so angry with her that I couldn’t even reply. She must have gotten the message because she didn’t say anything else either. After moments of silence she said that Ashley was impatient to talk to me, so she would hand her the phone. I felt relieved, excited and sad at the same time, because I had missed Ashley so much in the past weeks.

“Isa?” The sound of her voice brought an immediate smile to my face.

“Ashley. I can’t believe it’s you. I’ve missed you so much. How are you?” Excitement coated my voice.

“I’m fine. I would be great if you were here. Jane is really nagging me. I wish you were here to set her straight.”

“Nobody can set that girl straight.” We started laughing at the same time.

“How are you doing?” she asked an innocent question that wiped away the smile from my face.

“I’ve had better days.” Sadness radiated from my voice and I felt guilty for sharing it with Ashley. I could lie to Mother, but not to her.