What He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy) (23 page)

“Both of you?”

He nodded. “Want a sandwich?” he asked.

I saw the mayo in the door of the fridge just as he took it out. “Sure.”

“Sorry for ditching you last night.”

“Dude, man code says that if there’s a chance for sex, it’s not ditching.
Especially on Valentine’s Day.”

He laughed as I got the bread so we could fix our lunch.

“So what did you do last night?” he asked, grabbing a knife out of the drawer.

“
I chilled at Skips for awhile. Then I came home.”

“With a girl?” he asked, glancing over at me.

“Why do you ask?”

“Because you seem… I don’t know. Happier than you were on Friday.”

How did I respond to that? With honesty, telling him everything about Lindsay? We had been friends for a long time, and I knew his loyalty would be to me, not Spencer. But this would put us all in an awkward position.

I
ultimately decided to tell him because he was my best friend. But more than that, I really just wanted to talk about her.

“I actually have a pretty intense story about that.”

We finished making the sandwiches and brought them on plates to the kitchen table.

“So?” he asked, taking a bite of his food.

“So Friday at the hotel, Tracy and I were dancing.”

“Did you hook up with Tracy again?” he interrupted.

“No. We were dancing and someone bumped into me. I turned around, and I was face to face with someone I never thought I’d see again. Dude, it was the four by two mystery woman.”

“What?” he asked, dropping his sandwich onto his plate as his jaw fell open.

“No joke. I was shocked.”

“No kidding. What was she doing there?”

“Turns out she’s Spencer’s girlfriend. The one he broke up with and recently got back together with?”

“Lindsay?”

“Yep.”

Dan whistled. “Shit, man. How’s that for a coincidence?”

“I know.”

“So what happened?”

“We found a private place to meet. She told me how much she had missed me. But she pushed me away and said she was back with Spencer. She said she needed some time but that she would see me again. And I made damn sure that we exchanged numbers this time.”

Dan picked up his sandwich for another bite as I continued my saga.

“So she came by here yesterday morning and dropped a bomb. Spencer proposed at the party.”

“Jesus,” Dan said.

“She said no. We talked, and she told me she wanted to let him down gently, which, after everything that happened with me and Jules, I could appreciate.”

“Kind of weird how you’re the other guy this time around.”

“Yeah.” I took a sip of Dr. Pepper, and then I continued. “I feel like shit for Spencer, but there’s just this… thing… between Lindsay and me. We’re just pulled together, and neither of us can ignore it.”

“Sucks for Spence, but
it sounds like you two belong together.”

“
So last night he took her out to a Valentine’s dinner, and later I texted her, and she just sort of snapped inside. Then there’s a knock at the door kind of late last night. I open it, and she’s standing there all crying and telling me she broke up with Spencer.”

“Holy fuck, dude.”

“So we didn’t really talk much last night,” I said, skirting the details, “but we did a little this morning.”

“And?”

“And I’m taking her to dinner tonight. She’s moving out of Spencer’s place right now.”

“Does she need help?”

“I asked her that, too, and she wasn’t sure how to explain to Spence how she and I knew each other.”

“Good point. So what happened last night?”

I laughed. “Good try. I’m keeping that one to myself.”

“Just tell me my precious couch was safe.”

“Safe last night. This morning may be a different story.”

“You sick son of a bitch,” he laughed.

I toyed with the tab on top of my soda can for a second. “When she left, she told me to call Jules.”

“You two got into that?” he asked.

“It was part of our ‘Getting to Know You’ chat.”

Dan glanced up from his plate.
“Did you call her?”

I shook my head.

“Are you going to?”

I sighed.
“Lindsay told me she sensed bitterness in my tone when I talked about what happened. She said that I won’t be able to fully give myself to her until I mend things with Jules.”

“Is she right?”

I took a long sip of Dr. Pepper before I answered. “Unfortunately, I think she is. I need to be free of everything in the past before I can move onto my future with Lindsay.”

Dan
grinned at me. “So there’s going to be a future with Lindsay?”

“If I have anything to say about it, yes.”

He paused as he took another bite of his sandwich. “Does she need somewhere to stay?”

“
I appreciate the offer, but she’s going to stay with a friend.”

“I know what she’s done for you. She brought my friend back to me, for one.”

I smiled. He was right. I felt alive again.

We finished eating and cleaned up, and then I decided to go for a run. I hadn’t been keeping up with my regular workout schedule since I’d moved to San Diego, and I needed to get back on
track. I had been on a good schedule running a minimum of five miles a day, but then the Julianne thing happened and somehow my schedule was thrown completely off. Now it seemed like I was running whenever I could fit it in.

I pulled on my running shorts and a shirt, laced up my shoes, and found my running playlist. And then I headed to the beach. Running in sand always sucked, but it provided an unparalleled workout.

I ran for six miles and cooled down with a long walk. Running had always been a good time to think things through, and I felt more prepared to call Jules.

I headed home, and, finding the apartment empty, I hit the shower.

I settled into my desk chair and pulled up the contact info for Jules.

I reminded myself that I was doing this for Lindsay.

And then I clicked the call button.

The phone rang three times, and then she answered. “
Trav?” she said, her voice full of hope.

“Hey,” I said softly.

“Hey, you.”

“How are you?” I asked.

“I’m… I’m really good, Trav. How are you?” Her voice was warm and familiar, and I felt a little lighter just hearing that she was doing well. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as I had thought.

“Good.”

“How’s San Diego?

“It’s… it’s actually pretty damn amazing.”

“I’m happy for you.”

“Are you recovered from your accident?”

“Mostly. My wrist is still in a cast.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Yes. But it gets a little better every day.”

“Congratulations on your new niece. How’s Jamie?” I asked, trying to stick to safe subjects.

“Thanks. She’s doing great. And the baby is just perfect.”

“Good.” Suddenly things got awkward. I didn’t know what else to say, but I had done my part. I had called Jules, I had taken the first step toward mending our broken friendship, and Lindsay and I could move forward now. “Well, I just wanted to say hi.”

“Trav, wait. I am so sorry for what happened between us.”

I sucked in a sharp breath, not really ready for this part of the conversation. It still hurt, but not as bad as I thought it would. “I can’t say it didn’t hurt, Julianne.”

“I treated you horribly, and I know I can’t take it back, but for what it’s worth, I’m so, so sorry that you ended up hurt in all of it.”

“There were gentler ways of letting someone down,” I said.

“You’re right.”

“Are you happy, at least?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“Then you did what you had to do, I guess.” I didn’t know what else to say. Now that I had Lindsay in my life, I understood the idea of feeling so pulled toward a person that nothing else mattered except
being together. I didn’t understand why Jules jerked me around and ultimately just cut me out in that process; she could’ve handled things differently, but she hadn’t, and there was nothing she could do to change that now.

“I miss you, Travis. I miss our friendship.”

“I do, too. But I can’t guarantee that things will ever be like they were. You killed a little part of me with what you did.”

I heard tears in her voice. “I need your friendship. I miss you so much that it hurts, Trav.”

“Maybe someday. But I need time to get past what you did.”

She was quiet, but I heard some sniffling. When she spoke, her voice was soft. “I have something else to tell you.”

“What?”

“Um,” she started, sounding nervous.

And then she dropped the proverbial bomb.

“Nick and I are getting married.”

I’m not sure if the phone fell out of my hand or if I threw it, but I knew the call ended with those words.

Julianne was engaged? To the douche bag she destroyed me over?

I was vaguely aware that my phone was ringing, but I was in shock over her confession.

I couldn’t believe she was getting married.

That truly confirmed the end for us. My newfound feelings for Lindsay had overtaken the hope that someday Julianne and I would end up together, but for some reason, the news filled me with a grief as if someone had died. The way she’d used me when she’d been upset over Nick played over in my mind.

I felt frustration, hurt, pain, sadness, and mostly anger, and I wasn’t sure why. I thought I was over her; I thought I had finally gotten to a place where I could move past what she had done and move on with someone new, but now the rage I felt burned through my veins.

I should have felt happy for her. My best friend was getting married to the man she loved.

But my heart wasn’t big enough to allow me to feel that way.

My phone was still ringing, but I couldn’t register the sound in my head. I was just too angry. So I left my phone ringing on the floor. I couldn’t even look at the screen and see Julianne’s face as she tried to reach me.

I headed back to the beach. It had become my refuge in the short time I’d lived in San Diego, and it was the only place I could think to go, the only place that would get me away from the words that she had spoken to me.

I found the place that had quite literally become my rock, and I perched on top of it. The beach was relatively empty just as it had been since I had moved there, most likely because it was too cold for an actual day at the beach. Random couples and families passed by me, some individuals walked closer to the water, and through it all, I sat on my rock, staring blankly out at the water, feeling hurt and depressed and still full of this blinding rage that I didn’t know how to handle.

I was lost.

I had dedicated my affection solely to Julianne for so long that I didn’t know how to make myself fall out of love with her. Even though I’d formed something much deeper with someone else, I couldn’t get past the pain of knowing that the first woman I had ever loved would never be with me.

I stopped thinking after some point, the emotions no less violent and brutal despite the emptiness enveloping my mind.

I have no idea how long I sat out on that rock, but the sun went down and I found myself staring into darkness. And once it was dark, I no longer felt the need to censor myself.

For the second time in the last month, tears formed in my eyes and spilled down my face.

I felt like the biggest goddamn wimp in the world as I sat on my rock crying. To a man like me, the only possible reason for tears was a death.

But, I realized, something had died inside of me.

It was something that I could never get back, and now I had to learn how to live with that. I was vaguely aware that I already knew the answer, that the answer was lying within my grasp, but I was too angry to allow the thought to fully form in my mind. I didn’t know who I was angrier with: Jules for doing what she had done, or myself for allowing it to happen.

After I pulled myself together, I headed home. I was absolutely grateful that Dan was out, and I grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels from the liquor shelf in the pantry and headed to my bedroom to drown it all out.

Half a bottle later, I passed out, and Monday morning I awoke with one of the worst hangovers I had ever experienced in my entire life.

My head throbbed as my stomach churned. I hit the shower, which really didn’t make me feel any better. I tripped over my phone on the way out of my bedroom, and I picked it up. I still wasn’t ready to look at it to see how many missed calls I had from Julianne.