What to Expect the Toddler Years (126 page)

“Our daughter gets these sudden whims—she wants a puppy, when we don’t have room for one in our apartment, or she wants to go to the beach, when it’s snowing out. When she doesn’t get what she wants, she has a major tantrum.”

Young children are ruled by whim, and not by reason. When an impulse crosses their minds, they don’t analyze it for practicality before putting in their demand. And though this is undoubtedly part of their charm, for parents it also presents a challenge.

Not only does a toddler get mad when she doesn’t get her way, she often
gets even, exploding in a fiery tantrum or resorting to relentless whining—either of which will have you wondering whether refusing her request was really the right way to go.

But, most of the time, it is. A toddler’s whims are often not only impractical but not in her best interest, and they will be forgotten in time. Meanwhile, here are some suggested ways to deal with them:

Weigh the whim.
Some whims are harmless enough—as when your toddler wants to wear boots on a sunny day in July—and aren’t worth the effort to deny them or the insult to her ego. Some are unacceptable—as when your toddler wants to don sandals to play in the snow.

Give in occasionally.
When the whim is harmless (boots in July), acquiesce. Giving in to an occasional eccentric request will spare you many unnecessary battles, and it will make your toddler feel she has some control of her life. (And when her feet get sweaty and she demands, “boots off,” resist, “I told you so.” Let her recognize the error of her ways on her own.)

Say “no” when you must.
When the advisability of giving in to your toddler’s whim is clearly outweighed by solid reason (as when she wants to wear sandals in the snow), don’t hesitate to turn her down. But explain your reasons. Most adults are subject to wacky whims occasionally, but we usually know when and where to draw the line. Drawing it for your child now will help her draw it herself later in life.

Use distraction early on.
To head off a tantrum response to your refusal, immediately provide a diverting alternative to your toddler’s wacky wish: “No, you can’t have a puppy, but we can go down to the pet store and visit the puppies for a while” . . . “No, we can’t go to the beach now, but we can pretend we’re there. Let’s spread a blanket on the floor, and put on our bathing suits, get out the beach ball, and have a picnic in the living room.” If a tantrum’s inevitable, however, don’t let it change your mind.

Instead, let it run its course. (See tips on page 339 for dealing with tantrums.)

Not every child is born to be a Mozart or a Louis Arm strong, a Michelangelo or a Georgia O’Keeffe, an Ernest Hemingway or a Jane Austen, a Madame Curie or a Jonas Salk, a Julia Child or an I.M. Pei. But nearly every child is born with the ability, and the desire, to be creative.

Nurturing that ability and cultivating that desire won’t guarantee that your progeny will be prodigies, but it will improve the odds that they’ll grow up to fulfill their creative potential—whatever it may be.

So whatever the career in your child’s future (artist, banker, author, phy sician, poet, carpenter, composer, politician, teacher, scientist, ballet dancer) encouraging creativity now will help him or her have a much richer and more satisfying life. Try these tips, but feel free to be creative yourself and devise your own ways of fostering creativity:

Let there be mess.
Creative spirits should be free to focus on creating—not distracted by the need to keep their work-place in order. When it comes to toddlers, this is especially true. For them, the medium isn’t just the message, but usually the mess, too. Insisting that all the crayons stay in the box, that the clay stay in a contained clump, and fingers, arms, and floor stay immaculate, is asking the impossible. Even in toddlers destined for artistic greatness, fine motor skills are
still far from fine tuned. Inherent in any creative effort is a backsplash of splashed paint, scattered clay, smeary globs of glue, spattered flour. Resign yourself to a mess during creative play, and don’t let the anticipation prompt you to discourage your child from getting involved in the creative process. Stifling your toddler’s urges now in the name of a cleaner house could lead your child to stifle them permanently.

Which isn’t to say that a clean home and a creative child are completely incompatible. Taking the proper precautions before your toddler takes to the easel or to the drawing board or to the kitchen counter, will protect both your home and your toddler’s wardrobe without interfering with the urge to create. Use an outdoor setting when weather permits—a backyard picnic table (protected by newspaper or an old tablecloth), for example. Indoors, set up, if possible, in an area that has a sink nearby for easy clean-up. Cover the floor and any other assailable surfaces with newspaper (you can recycle it later) or a reusable painters’ drop-cloth or plastic tarp. Indoors or out, have the
artiste
roll up sleeves and don a large smock or apron. If this idea meets with resistance, let your toddler create in old clothes or, during warm weather or indoors, in just a diaper or underwear.

Now is also a good time to start teaching that clean-up is a part of the artistic process. Arm your toddler with a rag and a spray bottle of water, and ask for help when the creative session is over. Also ask for his or her cooperation in putting all the supplies back where they belong.

Let freedom reign.
Keep in mind that creativity requires breaking new ground, which means breaking old rules; there’s no wrong way to paint a picture, shape a piece of clay, build a structure out of blocks. Hovering over your toddler, directing and suggesting, can inhibit creativity. It’s okay to occasionally inquire about a work in progress or make a favorable comment. But offer suggestions only when help is requested. Your child may follow them just to please you—but may then feel the product is no longer his or her own.

Of course, don’t deny assistance when it’s asked for or if your child is frustrated simply because you think children should figure things out on their own. And never push your toddler to try or continue an activity he or she doesn’t enjoy.

Don’t be a critic.
The process and product need only be pleasing to your toddler, not to you—or to anyone else. Don’t say, when he’s making a “card” for Grandma, “maybe Grandma won’t like those colors.” Or when she combines a pink shirt and a red skirt, “That combination doesn’t match.” Doing what’s different is, after all, what creativity is all about. (And don’t worry about your toddler developing good taste—that will come with time and your good example rather than through imposing your judgment on your offspring.)

If your toddler is unhappy with a particular creation, show respect for that judgment rather than saying, “Oh, you’re wrong, honey—that’s great!” Point out some specifics you really think are good (“You made some nice straight lines there”), make some suggestions for improvement (“If you roll the clay between your hands, like this, you’ll be able to roll legs for that horse you’re making”). And encourage, but don’t insist on, another attempt.

Look past the scribbles.
Find something to compliment in each of your toddler’s creative works. Even if the drawing paper’s a mass of scribbles, praise the use of colors or space. Even if the toy-horn concert is more cacoph ony than symphony, praise the lively rhythm and the bouncy beat, or how well your toddler elicits sound from the instrument. But don’t be so effusive with your praise that your toddler doubts your sincerity or stops trying to do better.

Become a serious collector.
Enhance your toddler’s feeling of accomplishment by hanging pictures and collages around your home—on the refrigerator (with magnets), in the playroom, on his or her bedroom door, on your bedroom mirror, by your night stand. Make a “portfolio” of favorites that he or she can enjoy flipping through or show to visitors. If you work outside the home, periodically take a drawing to work with you and give it a place of honor on your desk, or commission a wallet-size masterpiece to carry around with you. (Taking your toddler’s pictures with you when you go to work, or to a meeting, or to see a friend will not only keep you connected during the day, but make it easier for your toddler to separate when you leave.) Give play clay creations positions of prominence on the coffee table, the dining table, or a display shelf. If music rings your toddler’s creative bell, make video or audio tapes of his or her musical works, or hold impromptu performances in the living room—and don’t forget to be an attentive and appreciative audience. (But never coerce any toddler into performing for you or others.)

Tell tales.
Make storytelling a family tradition. Instead of relying on books off the shelf at story time, try spinning a few yarns of your own. Your toddler may especially appreciate it if your stories incorporate the same characters each time, and/or if each story begins where the last one left off. As your toddler becomes familiar with the process, he or she may enjoy helping you develop your stories. Offer encouragement by asking, “What do you think should happen next?” or “How can we save Jo-Jo?” If that’s too challenging, offer two plot lines and ask your toddler to choose one. Eventually he or she may want to contribute and even create entire stories. Another way to practice the creative process: Leave off the ending of a story, and ask your toddler to offer one (if he or she is willing).

Parody old standards.
It’s fun to sing songs that everyone knows, but it’s also fun to occasionally change them. Collaborate with your toddler to create silly rhymes that fit some of the songs he or she especially enjoys.

Set a creative example.
You don’t have to take up oil painting if your drawing skills stopped developing at stick figures, or start composing sonatas if you can’t hum your way through “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” But do look for outlets for your creativity that are within your capabilities—whether that means arranging flowers, leaves, and gourds in an autumnal centerpiece, adding unexpected splashes of color and combinations of patterns to your everyday wardrobe, or making your own party decorations instead of buying out the local party store. You’ll be making a creative impression on your toddler.

Expose your toddler . . .
Early and frequent exposure to the arts will not only stimulate appreciation but application. Go to museums and galleries and view many different types of art (painting, sculpture, collage, and so on). But keep visits brief, to suit a toddler’s short attention span, and always call it quits as soon as yours has had enough. Spend time reading well-written andillustrated age-appropriate books, to expose your toddler to fine prose, poetry, and art. Attend children’s concerts when your toddler seems old enough to sit still; listen to a wide variety of music at home (gospel, jazz, blues, rock, country, and classical, in addition to the usual kids’ tapes).

Point out the beauty in the world around you. Creative inspiration is lurking in a vibrant autumn treescape, in a spring flowerbed, in a fruit bowl you’ve set out for company, in the pattern that a lacy curtain casts in the sunlight, in the dazzling rainbow in a puddle of oil on wet asphalt.

. . . but don’t overexpose.
Too much pressure to appreciate art, music, beauty, and so on (“These paintings are such classics—and you’re not even looking at them!”) can also turn a toddler off.

Playing dress-up allows a toddler to wear a wide range of different hats—literally, and figuratively.

Look beyond the arts.
There are dozens of outlets for your toddler’s creative energy that have nothing to do with the fine arts. Your child can be creative in the sandbox (as a budding scientist, architect, engineer), at the kitchen counter (where mundane ingredients can be combined to produce an extraordinary treat), even in the closet (many toddlers have a fashion designer in them itching to get out). Encourage creativity in all areas of your toddler’s life.