Whatever It Takes (17 page)

“No.  Even though she’s my cousin, Mike is your best friend and I figured you’d want to tell him.  I didn’t want to put Diane in the position where she would have to keep something from him.”

Gavin reached for my hand across the table.  “You’re so generous.  You always think of others before yourself, do you know that?”

I smiled but shrugged. 

We finished our meal and cleaned up together before moving with our glasses of wine outside on the patio.  We had some talking to do.  We sat in the cushioned chairs opposite the side with the table, enjoying the warm evening and the setting sun.

“Before we start, I have to know something,” I began.  “Has Lisa tried contacting you anymore?”

“No.  The last time she called me was the Monday after the party and I did what I told you I was going to do.  I threatened to call her boss and the police and file a complaint if she contacted me once again.”

“How did she respond?”

“She threatened to call you.” 

My face paled.  I hadn’t thought about Lisa trying to contact me, only worried about her continuing to contact him.  I had no idea what I would say to that woman given the chance.  None of it would be nice, that’s for sure.  Fuck the website doctor, there was no way in hell I’d even entertain the idea of forgiving her.

“What did you say to her?” I asked.

“I told her the truth, that you already knew.  I also made it very clear that if she were to get anywhere near you she’d be very, very sorry.”

I wondered what he would do if she tried but didn’t ask him about it.  Instead I told him about the website I found and the seven steps.  I explained that while it was not going to be easy, I would do everything on my part to work through this. 

“I’m still hurting, Gavin,” I continued.  “But I want to forgive you, more than anything, and I am going to try.”

He stood and pulled me into his arms, straight from my seat.  He squeezed me so tightly it actually hurt a little, but I squeezed him back, even kissing the side of his neck. 

Try to forgive.

He put me back on my feet and kissed me.

“Thank you, baby,” he said. 

Gavin pulled me to sit again, this time on his lap in one of the gliding chairs.  He rocked us forward and backward while he talked about what he would do on his end to help us.  He was continuing with his therapy and promised to be patient with me while I learned how to forgive him. 

“Can I ask you something?” I said, turning in his lap to face him.

“Anything.”

“I’m still not comfortable with the therapy thing but I want to know how you feel it’s helping you.  What’s he doing?”

“He’s helping me accept that even though I am very sorry, my actions have consequences and I will have to deal with them.  He’s also helped me get to the root of what caused me to do what I did and we’re working on that as well.”

“The root of why you cheated?”  My heart started to hammer.  Though I had pressed him on it, I didn’t know if I wanted to hear this right now.  Did he help Gavin discover that I was the problem and dig up some deep-seated desire to hurt me in some way?

“Yes,” he told me, looking a bit uncomfortable.  “It comes down to the fact that my whole life I’ve never really been told “no” before.  Even growing up, my mother was very lenient with me, probably out of guilt because of my father.  She was lucky I didn’t grow up to be a hellian.  Anyhow, I’ve never really suffered serious disappointment.  I’ve gotten what I wanted in life; a good education, job, money, you.  And even though I worked hard for most of it, in my whole life I never had to deal with the feeling of being defeated, with the exception of...”

“Lisa breaking up with you,” I finished.

“I don’t know if it’s my Irish-Italian pride or stupidity or just simply being so stubborn that I couldn’t accept someone was able to hurt me, but I swear, Emma, this was all about revenge on her.  But like a fucking idiot, in trying to hurt her, someone that I don’t care about in the least, I hurt the one person I care about the most.  And I am so sorry.”

For the first time, I honestly believed him when he said the cheating wasn’t about me.

Change your emotional response.

“Thank you for sharing that with me,” I stated and then turned back around in his lap.  We stayed like that for hours, quietly enjoying the sunset and just being together. 

Later on, when my laundry was dry and put away, we went to our bedroom together, changing and getting back into our own bed.  We were dressed in our usual night clothes, me in one of his old t-shirts and my panties, him in a pair of boxers and nothing else.  As we crawled beneath the sheets and snuggled in to one another, I told him that while I was happy to share our bed with him again, I wasn’t ready to have sex yet.  He understood. 

We lay together in the darkness, Gavin caressing my back, my face, my arms, until my eyes closed and I fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

15

Five years ago

It was less than two months to our wedding and I was a wreck.  Even with all my careful and tedious planning I was sure something was going to go wrong.  I wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t eating, and I was certain a hole was eating its way through my stomach as “what ifs” tangoed in my brain.

What if the photographer got sick?

What if the catering gave people food poisoning?

What if my father showed up, even though I told him I didn’t want him there?

What if my mother forgot
to
show up, embarrassing me in front of Gavin’s entire family?

Honestly, if it had been up to me, we’d have eloped to Vegas.  Too many things could go wrong when planning an event like this and that did not sit well with me, to say the least.

Gavin was trying so hard to put me at ease, God love him.  He talked me out of the Vegas thing, knowing too many people would never forgive us.  Besides, he had insisted further, he wanted a real wedding too.  Flying off to elope was something you did when you were trying to hide, he thought.  He wanted us to share our vows in front of everyone we knew.  If it were up to him, our wedding would be broadcast on all major networking channels.

I gave in and let him reassure me that between the two of us, his mother, my grandmother, my sister, Diane, and Yvonne, everything would be taken care of.  I even agreed to a beach ceremony, only if the reception would be indoors.  He compromised on that one after having to work damn hard to convince me on the beach idea. 

“If the weather is bad, we will know in plenty of time to have the ceremony moved into the hotel where the reception is,” he’d told me.  

I honestly wasn’t that bad before now but with the date looming nearby I just couldn’t stop worrying.  I was sitting in Gavin’s apartment looking over the seating arrangements, fretting over where everyone would sit and would anyone be insulted if they weren’t seated with people they wanted to be near.  There weren’t too many guests from my side attending, but over one hundred invitations had been sent out to Gavin’s friends and relatives alone.  Just as I was about to rip my diagram of tables to shreds in frustration, Gavin came home.  I looked at the clock.  It was almost eight p.m.  He had been working late so many nights that week.

“I’m sorry, I know, it’s late again,” he huffed, loosening his tie and heading right for the fridge for a beer.  “Work has been so insane.”  He gave me a kiss and sat with me at the table.  “You’re still on seating arrangements?  I thought you were done with those two days ago.”

“I was,” I said, irritation clear in my voice.  “But then I noticed I had your Aunt Margaret at the same table as your Aunt Mary and you said they didn’t get along.  I’ve spent the last two hours trying to make adjustments.”

“Em, they’d be fine for one evening.  No one in my family is going to start any problems at our wedding, they’re not that disrespectful.  Just go back to the way you had it.”

“I don’t remember the way I had it!” I shouted at him.  I pushed my seat away from the table so hard it tumbled over and I stormed into the living room.  I started pacing in front of the television.

He gave me a second to cool off and then joined me, grabbing my  hand and leading me to sit on the sofa.

“What have I been telling you, Emma?” he scolded gently.  “Things might go wrong, but we will fix them.  If something happens and everything doesn’t go exactly according to plan, we will deal with it.  What is the worst that could happen?  Even if our entire day is a mess and the flowers aren’t delivered or the cake falls over or even if my aunts have a knock-down-drag-out brawl on the dance floor, we will still be married and that’s all that matters, isn’t it?”

“You’re right,” I sighed.  “I know, this is just so overwhelming.”

He held my hand and did his Gavin circles while I closed my eyes and breathed.

“How about this?  Your side of the seating is done right?  Leave that and I’ll have my mother take care of my side.  She’s been wanting to do more to help anyhow.”

I nodded and agreed that was a good idea.

“It’s okay to ask for help, you know.  You’ve got to relinquish some control over this, baby, or you’ll end up sick.”

I nodded at that too.

“It’ll be easier once you aren’t working so late all the time,” I grumbled.  “Tell me the late hours are going to end soon.”

He stiffened and I noticed.

“What?” I demanded.

“The late hours should be done by Friday.  But Saturday morning I have to fly out to Atlanta.”

He could have just told me he had run down a group of nuns carrying orphans and puppies and I would have taken the news better.

“For how long?” I seethed through clenched teeth.

“A week.  Maybe ten days.”  He said the words and then I saw him physically brace himself for impact.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

I was off the couch in a blinding fury, turning to tower over his seated body.  Everything in me shook with absolute wrath.

“Gavin,” my voice was now eerily calm despite my demeanor, “we are getting married in a little over a month.  There are still a million things to do and I am on number six right now.  And you’re telling me you are going away for up to ten days?!”

“My boss told me I have to go, what was I supposed to do, Emma?”

“Tell him ‘no’!” I shrieked.

“I can’t do that, you know I can’t.  I’ve been working my ass off to get promoted.  It’ll be fine, I’ll do what I can from Atlanta to help you and then I’ll be back.”

“Who the hell are you kidding, Gavin?  You’re barely helping enough here, you think you’ll get anything done from down there?  You work like a madman when you’re away, you hardly have enough time to call me when you’re away for work!”

“Emma, calm down,” he pleaded, rising up from the sofa and placing his hands on my shoulders.

I knocked his hands away and screamed, “Don’t you tell me to calm down!  I didn’t even want to do all this but I gave in for you and now you’re throwing it all on my shoulders!”

“I am not!” he yelled back.  “If I had a choice you know I wouldn’t go but I’ll be back in plenty of time!  We’ll still have three weeks left after I return!”

“You know what, maybe we should just fucking cancel the whole thing!”

I stomped to the kitchen to grab my purse and then stomped back through the living room to leave.  My hand was on the doorknob and I had the door opened just an inch when he slammed his hand against it, closing it again.

“Stop!  You aren’t doing this!” He was as angry as me now, the ire flowing off of him in waves.  He moved to put his body between the door and me, blocking my escape. 

“Get out of my way,” I ordered.

“No!”

“Move, Gavin!”

“No!  You want to run from all the other shit that scares you, Emma, shit that gets you upset, shit that throws your perfectly controlled world out of whack, fine! But you aren’t running from me!  Things get hard for you, and you run.  You’d rather hide from trouble than have to deal with it, I don’t give a fuck.  But this,” he moved his hand to gesture between the two of us, “I’m not going to let you throw away just because it gets a little difficult!  I know it isn’t easy but it’s worth it!  You know why?  Because I fucking love you!  And I don’t give a damn if you want to run, if you want out.  I’m not going to let you!  I’m going to stay!  I’m going to fight for us, even if I’m fighting by myself!”

16

Present Day

Two and a half weeks went by and things were going as well as they could.  Gavin and I were working together to make things better.  There were a few hiccups along the way but nothing we couldn’t handle. 

I spent my free days doing my best to keep busy.  I started taking yoga three mornings a week, started doing some faux texture painting to the office walls, and in between kept busy with friends and family.  I went shopping with my sister and had Yvonne and Diane and baby Jax over to swim in the pool.  Believe it or not, I was actually glad to have the summer off.