Whatever It Takes (15 page)

The fourth night of our trip I woke up with a start.  Yvonne and I had fallen asleep on the couch watching old movies and eating popcorn.  The television was still on but the rest of the condo was dark.  Yvonne was still sleeping soundly at the other end of the couch and I left her there to go into the kitchen.  I’m not sure if I had been dreaming but if I was it had been a bad one.  My body was tense and my heart was beating much too quickly. 

I grabbed a bottle of water and chugged it down, not stopping to take a breath until it was more than half empty.  Leaning on the formica countertop, I tried to steady my breathing but it wasn’t working.  I noticed a spot to the left of my hand on the counter and automatically reached for the sponge to wipe it away.  It wouldn’t budge.  I looked under the sink and found an old, crusty bottle of cleaner.  I squeezed some out directly onto the stain and scrubbed.  My breathing became more labored and my chest started to constrict but I kept scrubbing at that stubborn spot.  When I realized my efforts were futile, I threw the sponge back into the sink, grabbed my purse from the counter and took the stairs two at a time to the second floor.  I shut myself in the bathroom and willed myself to calm down.

I was at the start of an intense panic attack and I needed a pill before it became full-blown.  Sitting on the linoleum floor, I searched my bag for the bottle but came up with nothing.  Shit.  I had switched purses before coming out here and had forgotten to take my prescription with me.  How the hell did I forget my pills?  I didn’t forget anything!  I hadn’t taken a pill for a panic attack in years but I always had them with me just in case.  As I realized what this meant the attack got worse and I threw my purse across the bathroom, grunting in frustration.  I tried to focus on my breathing but my throat was so tight, so, so tight.

I felt the walls closing in on me and I slammed my fists on the floor cursing myself. 
Fucked up,
I thought. 
This is all so fucked up.

Gavin was the only one who could calm me when I was like this and I wanted to call him.  I hadn’t spoken to him since the day I left and I needed his voice.  I couldn’t call him though.  This was a test.  A test for myself.  We could very well end up divorced after this and I needed to know I could make it through this without him. 

I didn’t want to get through this without him though.  I needed him.  I couldn’t lose him like I lost my father and my mother.  I depended on him and he fucked it all up, just like they did.
Fucked up, this is all so fucked up.

I started to sob, weeping without tears, my whole body shaking with the anger and hurt and fear.  I couldn’t get through this without him.  I crawled over to my bag and dug my cell phone out.  I waited impatiently for it to start up and tried once again to control my breathing before calling Gavin’s phone.

Gavin

Since telling Emma about what happened, I had taken to sleeping, or rather not really sleeping but spending the night on the couch.  My eyes had just drooped closed when my cell phone rang.  I saw that it was Emma and given the late hour, I knew something wasn’t right.

“Emma?  What’s wrong?”

“Gav!” she barely choked out, my name stifled in her throat.

“Emma?  What, baby?  What’s wrong?”  I pleaded, my voice full of panic.  I rose from the couch and immediately went to the bedroom to grab some clothes to change into, knowing I was going to go to her.

She wheezed into the phone, both gasping for breath and trying to speak at the same time.

“Emma, are you having an attack?” I asked.  I was trying to stay calm for her but there was a hint of hysteria in my voice.  She sounded awful and I wasn’t there to help her.

“Yes,” she got out between gasps of breath.

“Okay, baby, it’s okay.  You’ll be fine.  Do you have your pills?”

“Don’t... have...” 

“Fuck!  Goddamn it, Emma!”  I swore and slammed my fist into the top of our dresser.  Not only did she need me and I wasn’t with her, she didn’t have her pills either.  It would be awhile before I could get to her, even at this late hour and it fucking killed me thinking about her having an attack like this while I wasn’t there. 

“I’m....sorry.”  Her word were broken up in between strangled sobs and my heart broke.  Now dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt, I shoved my feet into my sneakers, grabbed my wallet, found an extra bottle of Emma’s pills in the bathroom cabinet, and headed for the garage.

“It’s okay, baby, listen to me.  I’m getting in the car, I’m on my way to you, do you hear me?  I’ll be there in less than an hour.  There won’t be traffic this late.  I want you to do something for me, Emma.  Are you listening to me?”

She managed to get out that she was.

“Good, baby.   Where are you?”

“Bath...
gasp...
room.”

“Okay, sit on the floor against the wall.   Lean back and close your eyes.  Are you doing that?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.  Now imagine that you’re leaning against me.  I’m sitting behind you and my arms are around you.  I’m holding your hand in mine.  Feel my chest rising and falling with my steady breaths.  Can you feel me?  I want you to breath with me, Emma.  Slowly.  In through your nose and out through your mouth.  Slowly.”

I kept talking to her hoping my words would work to calm her down.  I breathed deliberately into the phone and prayed that she wouldn’t pass out.  Pretty soon though I heard her breathing become less frantic. 

“Can you feel my hand on yours?” I continued.  “I’m rubbing the back of your hand with my thumb.  Those small, calming circles that you love.  Keep breathing baby, you’re doing great.”

She let my voice pacify her and I could hear the air returning to her lungs much easier now.  In.  Out.  In.  Out. 

“Good, Emma, that’s good.  I can hear you, you’re doing much better.  Can you talk to me?”

She let herself gather more oxygen before answering. 

“Yes.” It came out in a breathy whisper but it wasn’t cut off by a sob or wheeze.

“Very good, baby.  Where is Yvonne?”

“Asleep.  Downstairs.” 

Breath in....breath out....

“Okay, just keep breathing.  I’m on my way to you.  I’ll be there soon.  Just keep breathing, slowly, in and out.”

I continued soothing her with my words and soon she was breathing normally.  Then I heard her I sniffle into the phone.

“Shhh,” I said.  “Don’t cry, Em.  You’re alright.  Everything is going to be alright.”  I pictured her crying on the cold bathroom floor and I wanted to punch something again.

“How do you know, Gavin?  It’s falling apart, it’s all falling apart.”

He words ripped apart my insides.

“No, baby.  We won’t let it.  We won’t let it fall apart.”

She cried into the phone and I wanted to cry with her.  What have I done to her?  God, I needed to get to her.  I pressed down on the gas pedal and sped further down the highway towards the beach.  Hopefully I’d be there in thirty more minutes. 

“I’m so tired,” she told me.

“I know, baby.  Why don’t you go get in bed?”

“How will you get in?”

“Is there a doormat at the front door?  Leave the key under it.  I’ll let myself in.”

I heard her make her way downstairs and do as I said before returning upstairs. 

“Try not to wake Yvonne when you get here,” she told me.  “I’m getting into bed now.” 

“Don’t hang up,” I said.  “You don’t have to talk.  Leave the phone next to your head on the pillow.  I want to hear you breathing.”  I wouldn’t let her hang up the phone until she was in my arms and I knew for sure she was okay.

She asked me to turn the radio on so she could hear it through the phone.  I did and we both started to sing quietly along with The Eagles’
Take it to the Limit. 
She didn’t make it far into the song before she was quiet and breathing steadily and I knew she had fallen asleep.  Still, I continued to sing to her until I parked my car outside the condo.

Using the key she had left, I let myself in and climbed up the stairs straight to where Emma was sleeping.  Quietly, I toed off my sneakers and climbed into the bed with her.  The mattress shifted with my weight and she stirred.  Without saying a word, she turned to me, letting me settle in on my side before she burrowed into my chest.  She pressed her face into me and breathed me in while I stroked and kissed her hair.  She wrapped her fingers in the cloth of my shirt and held onto me for dear life.  For the first time in weeks, I felt calm and was able to actually sleep.

13

Emma

I woke up the next morning feeling like I was in a cocoon.  Gavin was in the bed with me and we slept facing each other, both of his arms around me, my face still buried into his chest.  Before I even opened my eyes, I let myself pretend that everything between us was perfect, that we were back in our own bed at home sleeping in on a Saturday morning.  I kept myself still so I didn’t wake him and just breathed.

Last night was quite a clusterfuck.  Thinking back on what had happened, I felt for guilty calling him; I felt even guiltier for letting him drive out here.  Even after I had calmed, I could have told him I was okay and that he should drive back home.  I hadn’t wanted that though.  I had wanted him here.  The truth was I missed him terribly.

I went four whole days without talking to him, fooling myself into thinking that without contact he’d be out of my head.  Who was I kidding?  Gavin was always with me.  And even though Yvonne and I stayed busy and were having a great time, the less I spoke to Gavin the more I missed him and that ended up in a pretty, little shitstorm.

No wonder my husband cheated.  No matter how well I was doing there was still that slight chance that I’d have a total meltdown and Gavin would have to swoop in a save me.  Maybe he was tired of wondering when the next one was going to come.  Maybe he wanted to pay me back in some way for dealing with my shit all these years.  Maybe I deserved this.

I pulled away from him and his arms tightened on me in protest. 

“Bathroom,” I whispered and he nodded, keeping his eyes closed, but loosening his grip on me. 

I quietly exited the room and went back to the scene of my meltdown the night before.  I splashed some water on my face and then looked at myself in the mirror.  I looked awful.

My eyes were puffy and dark underneath.  Even having a good time here with Yvonne and spending hours in the sun each day hadn’t cured my inability to sleep well.  I grabbed a washcloth and let it run under the cold faucet.  I squeezed the excess water from the towel and pressed it to my eyes. 

Maybe Gavin wasn’t attracted to me anymore and that’s why he cheated.  Dropping the cloth, I returned to scrutinizing my reflection.  I didn’t have exactly the same body I did when we met seven years ago.  I was still slim but maybe not as tight as I used to be.  I glanced down at my hips and pressed into the little bit of wideness there.  Moving my eyes down further, I looked at my thighs sticking out from under the shorts I was wearing.  Were they too flabby?  Dragging my eyes back up I studied my breasts, braless under my t-shirt.   They weren’t exactly as perky as they were when I was twenty-two.  I was going to turn thirty this year.  Was my body already going to shit, before I even had kids yet?

I looked back up to my face and leaned in, looking for lines or wrinkles I hadn’t noticed before. 

“Don’t do that.”  Gavin’s voice from the doorway startled me and I jumped.  He was leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed in front of him wearing blue jeans and a white tee, his hair a mess atop his head.

“Do what?” I asked turning to him.

“I know what you’re thinking,” he said, moving to stand behind me.  Our eyes locked on each other’s in the mirror.  “You’re wondering if the way you look has anything to do with me cheating.”  He put his hands on my hips and leaned in to press our heads together, side by side.  “You’re as beautiful now as you were the day we met, Emma.  Even more beautiful.  So stop that shit right now.”

I dropped my eyes and fixed my gaze on the white porcelain sink, his words doing nothing to ease me. 

“Hey,” Gavin said, nudging me with his shoulder to bring my attention back to his eyes in the mirror.  “I mean it.  You’re perfect, baby.  You have a gorgeous face and body.  What I did had nothing to do with my attraction for you.”

I wasn’t sure I could believe him but nodded and then moved away to head back into the bedroom.  Lying back down on the bed I looked at the cheap, white alarm clock on the nightstand and saw that it was still early but later than I had slept in in weeks.  I knew having Gavin in bed with me last night played a big part in that. 

Gavin lied down next me and we stayed there, facing each other without touching or talking for a while.  We just stared at each other.  I got a good look at him then and noticed he looked kind of terrible himself.  His eyes were bloodshot and he bore the same darkness under them as me.  His face was peppered with a few day’s worth of stubble. 

“You haven’t been sleeping much either, have you?” I asked.

“No.”

We were quiet again for a while, each of us lost in our own thoughts.  Finally Gavin asked if he could hold me.