Whatever It Takes (14 page)

“How do you feel?” he asked me.

“Like someone ripped off my head and replaced it with a bowling ball that sneezes and leaks snot.”

He laughed at that and asked me if I wanted some tea.

“That would be great,” I told him and then turned my attention to my mail while he went to the kitchen. 

I tossed aside the junk, opened and read my cell phone bill, and then found a letter that was hand addressed to me.  The writing was unfamiliar so I turned the envelope over and read the return address. 

David Harrison, one-one-nine-one-five Golden Leaf Lane, Phoenix, Arizona.

My fingers shook as I tore the letter open, my heart beating a little too quickly.  As I read the contents of my father’s letter, my stomach started to turn and my already sore throat got tight. 

Gavin returned from the kitchen, tea in hand, to find me visibly shaken and anxious, holding the letter in my hand.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, moving quickly to sit beside me.  I handed him the letter and said nothing while he read it outloud.

“
Dear Emma,  I hope you are doing well.  I’m sorry it’s been so long since we’ve talked but I want you to know I’ve always thought about you and your sister.  I’d been thinking about contacting you for a while now and I’ve just heard that you are engaged.  Congratulations.  If you would be willing, I’d love to attend your wedding with your stepmother and maybe even our two sons.  It would bring all of us joy to see you on your special day.”

Gavin continued to read and the anxiety built up with each word.  I hadn’t heard from my father in years and he chose now to contact me?  I was already stressed out enough making wedding plans and this was the last thing I needed.

“Shit,” Gavin said when he finished.  “Are you okay?”

I shook my head.  “He can’t come, Gavin,” I said between panicked breaths.  “I can’t see my father for the first time in more than ten years on my wedding day.  And he wants me to meet his wife and kids that day?  Is he crazy?  Doesn’t he know how awkward that will be for me?”

The room started growing smaller and I struggled to breathe, my impending panic attack closing in.  I started to shake and gasp for air.

“Shh,” Gavin said, pulling me into him and trying to calm me.  “He won’t come, we’ll tell him no.  Calm down, baby.”

I tried to listen to him but my body wouldn’t relax.  I couldn’t get enough air and my throat wouldn’t ease up.

“I need to take a pill,” I gasped and moved to reach my purse.  I swallowed one with a sip of tea and then leaned back into Gavin and waited for it’s calming effects to take.

Gavin turned to hold my back against his chest and wrapped his arms around me.  He held my hands in his and stroked the backs while breathing deeply.  The steadiness of his breaths helped to calm me and soon my own breathing began to slow. 

“Shh,” he continued to whisper in my ear.  “That’s it, just relax.  You’re fine, baby.  You’re fine.”

He held me until I was breathing normally again and then he lied us back on the couch.  He used the remote to flip on the television so I’d have something to occupy my mind until the attack completely passed, and stroked my hair until I was so relaxed that my eyes closed and I fell into a calm sleep. 

12

Present Day

The next morning I was throwing my suitcase in the back of the Mini when Gavin came into the garage, ready to leave for work.  Yvonne had screeched in my ear when I told her my plan to kidnap her to the beach with me, my treat of course, after explaining my leave of absence from work.  I didn’t divulge the real reason for the getaway, only telling her since we both had the time off and I was grieving my grandparents,  I’d figured we needed to spend some quality BFF time together.  Yvonne worked as an elementary school teacher and her summers were clear.  After hanging up with her, I went online and secured a little one bedroom condo on the beach for us for the week.  If I decided I wanted to stay longer, the option was there. 

Gavin lifted my duffle bag and placed it in the trunk for me alongside my luggage. 

“Will you text me when you get there?  Let me know you and Yvonne arrived safely?”  he asked.

“Sure,” I promised. 

“Did you pack sunscreen?” He closed the trunk and leaned against it.  When I looked up to nod that I had indeed, I noticed that he wasn’t looking at me but staring straight ahead.   I saw the strain in his face and his jaw muscles clenching tightly.  He was trying not to cry.

That did it for me and my tears came quickly.  I sucked in a shaky breath and that forced Gavin to look at me and notice I was crying.  His tears fell then too.

He pulled me to him by my waist and lifted me so that my feet were dangling an inch off the ground.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and tried to talk myself into staying.  I couldn’t though.  I needed to do this. 

“I’ll be back soon,” I cried into his neck.

“Promise?” The word stuck in his throat and came out strangled.

I nodded and squeezed him tighter.  I was still so so angry but I hated doing this to him.  It killed me to see him like this. 

He stayed holding me to him until both our tears subsided and then he gently put me back on my feet.  He didn’t let me go though, but kept his hands at my hips and leaned his forehead against mine.

“Tell me we’ll get through this.  Tell me you’ll forgive me,” he begged.

“We will,” I assured him, though I had no idea if those words were true.  “We have to.”

He nodded against me, agreeing that it was something that had to be done.  There was no other way. 

“Be careful, okay?”

I told him I would and then he kissed me, once, twice, a third time, softly on the lips before releasing me and getting into his car.  I watched him drive away and fought back more tears.  I had to force myself to get into my own car and drive away as well.

I didn’t go straight to Yvonne’s.  There are women who can have themselves a good cry and then wipe their faces leaving no trace of their pain or sorrow.  One of those women, I am not.  My eyes were watery and bloodshot, my cheeks were puffy, and my nose was all kinds of crimson.  One look at me and Yvonne would demand answers.  I didn’t want her trip ruined before we even got there.

I texted her that I was running a bit late and drove the long way to the gas station to fill up my tank.  Then I took my time in the convenience store grabbing a few snacks and drinks to stock our condo kitchen with, leaving my sunglasses on in attempt to hide my hideous face to the other shoppers.

By the time I reached Yvonne’s my face was looking more presentable, a quick check in the rearview mirror told me.  My eyes were still a little red but I’d blame that on staying up late packing last night.  I could tell her that I got a little teary-eyed saying goodbye to Gavin but that would open up a whole can of Yvonne’s “you two are so damn cute it makes me sick” worms and I did not want her to go there. 

She came tearing out of her house when I honked, luggage in tow, and a cooler filled with what I knew was alcohol.  I helped her load it into the back of the car, put the top down and we were coasting towards our destination.  All the while I drove, Yvonne chatted on and on about how this couldn’t have come at a more perfect time and she was so excited to spend alone time with me. 

“Honestly, when was the last time we hung out for more than an evening?” she asked.

I thought back.  “It’s got to be since before I got married.”

“You’re right, doll, it was.  It was your bachelorette weekend to be exact!  Five years!”

I shook my head unable to believe how much time had gone by.  Then I felt bad.  Yvonne and I saw each other quite a bit, but not like we used to.  Back in college we were together every single day and I realized now I missed that.

“I’m sorry we don’t get to do this more often,” I told her.  “But this week it’s me and you doll and we are going to have a blast!”  She whooped and then turned the radio up, blasting the music all the way to the beach.

Our condo was small but nice and you could walk right out the back door and be on the sand in less than twenty feet.  It only had one bedroom and one bathroom upstairs, but the bed was big enough for Yvonne and me to share.  We had a full kitchen that we would adequately stock with a trip to the market later but right now we were eager to get our asses in the sun.

A quick change into our bikinis and soon we were basking in the sand on our lounge chairs surrounded by bottles of lotion, reading material, and cold bottles of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.   A bit frat-boyish, I know, but we were on vacation. 

I soaked up the rays determined to keep my mind off Gavin.  I had texted him that we had gotten there just fine along with the information to the condo should he need it.  He texted back telling me to have a good time and then I shut my phone off not wanting to think about anything.  Yvonne was doing a fine job at distracting me with stories about a guy she’d been out with several times over the past two months.  Though he was nice, he hadn’t tried to sleep with her which made Yvonne jump to the conclusion that he had a small penis.  I laughed as she went on and felt at ease for the first time in two weeks.

The ease didn’t last long though because Yvonne brought up Gavin shortly after.

“Gavin is okay with you being away for a whole week?”

“Mm hmm,” I said and suddenly busied myself with putting on more sun block.

“Good lord, could he be anymore perfect?  You’re so fucking lucky, Emma.  Gavin-”

“Gavin cheated on me, Yvonne!”  I slapped my hand over my mouth, horrified by my sudden outburst and apologized to her.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell it at you like that.”

Yvonne’s face was a look of total shock.  Her mouth was gaping like a fish and even through her dark shades I could see her eyes were round and popping. 

“Holy.  Fucking.  Shit,” she finally said after the initial surprise wore off.  “Emma, what the fuck?”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated. “I brought you here under false pretenses.  I needed to get away from him and didn’t want to come alone.  Don’t hate me?”

“Shut the hell up, Em, I don’t hate you.  Now tell me what the hell happened!”

Yvonne smoked a cigarette or five while I rehashed the whole story to her from when Gavin told me the night before the party (she interrupted me then to tell me she
knew
something was up with me that day) to last night when I decided to leave.   Yvonne just sat there taking it all in, still wide-eyed and slack-jawed.  When I was done I didn’t know if she was going to hug me and cry or smash something and scream.

“I can’t believe he did this.  I’ll fucking kill him, Em, I swear to God, I will kill him.”

I smiled at her.  “Thank you.  Don’t.  But, thank you.”

“So what does this mean?  Are you okay?  What are you going to do?”

I held my hand up to her signaling her to take it easy.  “I don’t know right now,” was all I could tell her.  “The thought of us splitting up scares the shit out of me but at the same time I have no idea how I’ll get past this.  I can’t go more than five minutes without thinking about them in bed together and it makes me sick.  I don’t think that will ever go away.”

“What can I do?” she asked me, reaching across the foot of sand between our chairs to take my hand.

I squeezed her.  “I don’t know but when I do I’ll tell you.”

She sat there holding my hand and then after a minute I heard her sniffling. 

“Hey,” I said, shaking her arm with a jerk.  “Come on, girl, don’t.”

She nodded and held up a finger.  Yvonne was a seriously tough cookie but she was also extremely sensitive when it came to the people she loved.  She’d shed a few tears for me but then shake it off and do her best to make me smile. 

“You guys were my hope, ya know?  That people can be happy despite all the fucked up nonsense we live in.” 

“I know, Yvonne.  Believe me, I know.”

Օ

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew Yvonne was tapping my nose telling me to get my ass up and that we needed some food.  The sun was beginning to set and the sky was a brilliant orange fire as we walked to the market to pick up dinner.  We decided to steam some crabs and actually bought live ones.  It was quite a scene watching Yvonne verbally threaten and wrestle the shellfish into the pot of boiling water. 

While she took care of dinner I checked my phone.  I had three texts from Gavin as well as a missed call from him and one from Diane.  I gave Diane a quick call to let her know where I’d be for the week.  I felt a little guilty not asking her to join us, but she and Mike had a four month old son now and I knew she’d never leave him nor would I want her to. 

I read through Gavin’s texts next.  He’d written to tell me he loved me, that he hoped I was having a good time, and that he was thinking of me.  I listened to his voicemail next.

“
Hey, baby, it’s me.  I uh-
throat clearing-
just wanted to hear your voice I guess.  I miss you.”
 

I glanced at the clock and saw that it was just after seven p.m.  I had missed his call by five minutes.  I debated calling him back.  I really wanted to but if we talked every day then the whole point of me coming here would be moot.  I needed him out of my head for a while and talking to him wouldn’t help that.  I turned my phone off and vowed not to turn it back on until morning.