When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (5 page)

Breathe Right

ME
: it’s okay i’ll call in a bit

MOM
: K. :z) that’s a smiley with a breathe-right strip! Haha

Froggie

ME
: I GOT THE JOB!!!!

DAD
: YAY! @_____________@!!!! (Froggie’s happy too!)

ME
: …….really, Dad? Froggie?

Waxing Poetic

DAD
: A crisp autumn breeze rustles through the colorful trees of Maryland on a sunny November day, beckoning you home.

Mom’s Morning Report

MOM
: Be careful driving to work tomorrow. Fog in the
A.M.
This message brought to you by mom.

ME
: Thanks.

MOM
: I was gonna say “this messsage brought to you by moms. We worry so you don’t have to.”

A Cheerleader

MOM
: I am so incredibly proud of you! *\O/*

ME
: Thanks mama. What the hell is that symbol thing? A clown nose getting squished between two magic wands?

MOM
: It is a CHEERLEADER . . .

BBM “Read”

MOM
: U wake???????????? :)

MOM
: I know u read it :) :) :) :) :)

Boobs

MOM
: :)B OLD

MOM
: :)8 YOUNG

Whereabouts

MOM
: Just wondering as to your whereabouts…please check one of the following boxes.
___dead in a ditch
___alive in a ditch with broken fingers
___jail
___Mars
Thanks, your roommates

Tactics

DAD
: sorry i missed your call. call me back when U have time.

ME
: i didn’t call you…

DAD
: I know, that’s my new tactic! It worked how are you whats going on?

Chubies

DAD
: Yo what up chubies…. thats how t9 spells bitches

Pile

MOM
: hi

ME
: hi

MOM
: ~@~

ME
: is that a pile of shit?

MOM
: yup

Monkey Face

MOM
: @(*.*)@

ME
: ???

MOM
: its a monkey lol

Being Cool

DAD
: mt dishwasher!

ME
: Mount Dishwasher?

DAD
: No, empty dishwasher, I was being cool.

Goatee

DAD
: : { )-

ME
: What’s that??

DAD
: Smile with mustache and under lip hair

( o Y o )

MOM
: Can you bring my sweater from the car? xx

ME
: How cold is it? Should I bring mine too?

MOM
: ( o Y o ) —> ( . Y . )

Cyberhug

MOM
: Night. BED time. Soooooo proud of you!

ME
: K night

MOM
: Sending cyberhug

MOM
: ((((((((john)))))))))

3<]

ME
: Can you transfer more money? I need a plane home. xx love you

DAD
: 3<]

ME
: huh? yes?

DAD
: It is my foot in your ass.

Foursquare Champ

DAD
: The good news is that I am just two days away from regaining my title as Mayor of Panera Bread…as long as that little bitch Matt keeps his skanky ass out of here.*

Efficiency

DAD
: mom fell. broke her jaw. four stitches. she’s fine.

ME
: she okay?! was this a mass text!?

DAD
: yes. and yes, it was most efficient that way.

Proud

ME
: Got accepted to OU

DAD
: O U did?

DAD
: Congratulations!

DAD
: Fwd: O U did? Get it?

Cats and Dogs

ME
: Its raining cats and dogs out there.

DAD
: I know i just stepped in a poodle.

: / )

MOM
: U should stop for gas at Hess in Clinton - cute gas girl :/)

ME
: What’s the face?

MOM
: Happy penguin :/)

Rabbit

MOM
: We r in costco. Ur dad is annoying I made u a rabbit. Eat Well sleep well. love mom
(\_(\
(=‘ :’)
(,(“)(“)

Mime

DAD
:

ME
: blank message?

DAD
:

ME
: …?

DAD
: Im a phone mime ! :)

Swiped

DAD
: my new phone has swiping instead of texting! swiped.

ME
: that’s so cool dad!

DAD
: i know! swiped

ME
: ….why do you keep saying swiped?

DAD
: to let you know i’m swiping..not swiped.

A-

ME
: Mom, I got an A- on my test!

MOM
: Not an A?

ME
: No… That’s good stop.

MOM
: FYL. Like FML but you.

Beep

ME
: Is it raining there?

DAD
: ? I am leaveing now

ME
: Okay beep your horn when you get here.

DAD
: Beep

ME
: Dad really?

5½

MOM
: Those bball shorts for $6 (regular $20) which is so cheap to begin with. Are 5½ phone lengths long. Is that to short for you?

Evil Bowtie Man

MOM
: ;->8

ME
: Is that an evil bowtie man?!?!

MOM
: Bowtie man cant be evil because being evil is stupid & he never does anything stupid.

Leggings are not pants.

DAD
: in baltimore airport again…all i have to say is L.A.N.P.!!!!!!!

Ice Spiders

ME
: Do you know that you have an automatic signature? After every text you send this appears: )o(

DAD
: That’s an ice spider*