When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (8 page)

Happy New Year

MOM
:

Drinking and Driving

MOM
: Don’t Drink and Drive!!!!!!!!

MOM
: Don’t Drink and Drive

MOM
: Don’t Drink and Drive!!

MOM
: Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!

MOM
: Don’t Drink and Drive

NYD

MOM
: Happy hangover, sweetie. Be sure to clean up the bathroom. Love, mom.

Sound Judgment

MOM
: HAPPY 2011. WE LOVE YOU!

MOM
: Remember when parents text?? that’s what I’m doing!

ME
: Habjmmmm

MOM
: What is that response? an inebriated laugh?

MOM
: Where are you?

MOM
: ???????

MOM
: Do not get into a car of anyone was drinking the concoctions that were left around the kitchen They will be sick and have little evidence of sound judgment.

New Year’s Eve

MOM
: Eat before you drink and have a fat or oil or nuts. No Tylenol!! Hydrate!! Eat pizza before you go out, eat eggs in the AM! WATER BETWEEN DRINKS!!!! Nuprin before bed!! I love you, Mom!

February 13

MOM
: Hey. This is from my new droid. :) what are you doing tomorrow for dinner?

ME
: A droid!?! Very exciting! I have no plan for dinner. What about you?

MOM
: Sending you valentine’s pizza. Address?

Valentine’s Day

DAD
: Happy Valentine’s Day! Love, baba

ME
: You too! Except mine is filled with class and homework and no chocolate!

DAD
: I can chocolate you. Tell me what tickles your fancy.

Broken Heart

DAD
: Mom broke our wedding picture. Happy Valentine’s day.

V-Day Fartbus

ME
: Dad, I’m sad I’m alone. Also, the bus smells like farts.

DAD
: There’s a great guy right now on a fartbus thinking there’s never gonna be a nice girl who appreciates me.

Worst Ever

DAD
: McRibs are gone! Worst Valentine’s Day ever!

St. Patrick

MOM
: +<|:-|~~(St. PATRICK chasing the snakes out of Ireland. Happy St. Patty’s to ya!

Modern Times

MOM
: can we skype you into the seder tonight?

Ash Wednesday

MOM
: hey know what? I love you thats what!!

ME
: i’m so glad to hear that

MOM
: I’m glad you’re glad +:) (that’s an Ash-Wednesday-is-coming-soon smile face-get it? See, she’s got a cross of ashes on her forehead!)

Daylight Savings

MOM
: Don’t forget about your cocks tonight

Grilled Cheese

MOM
: Just heard on the news that today is national grilled cheese day - hope u celebrated properly

ME
: I had no idea! I already ate dinner, oh well maybe next year

MOM
: I’ll make a note on the calendar

Two Holidays

MOM
: I dont get some of the things on this when parents text website

ME
: Like what?

MOM
: 4/20?? ({})?

ME
: National Marijuana Day and a vagina

MOM
: Ahhh I had my suspicions... Hardboiling eggs for Easter!

Easter Bunny

MOM
: Hello Kathleen!!! What would you like in your easter basket??? You’ve been a very good girl this year!!!! Heeheehee -The Easter Bunny :))))

Easter Eggs

DAD
: i rly had to flatulate during easter dinner so i sat the tray of deviled eggs next to my plate to cover my tracks. genius i know.

ME
: gross. i ate one of those.

DAD
: added a little umpph to the flavoring im sure

Cinco de Mayo

ME
: Where is everyone?

ME
: Why are there empty beer bottles everywhere?

ME
: Where is the dog?

MOM
: cinc0 de mayo!!!1111

Costume Contest

DAD
: For Halloween I am going to wear a t-shirt with “Fe” written on it. Who am I?

DP and Golfballs

DAD
: I got tricker - treaters out the yang … and we got no candy.

ME
: Start handing out the cans of DP in the fridge.

DAD
: I.m given used golf balls. What.s dp?

Dad Gift Guide I

ME
: any Christmas ideas for you?

DAD
: hmmm. maybe a couple of ties, I tend to like conservative boring ties. any kind of munchies - cheese, peanuts, beer - always good. maybe a new pair of gloves. Thanks for asking. dunkin donuts gift card. ;)

Dad Gift Guide II

ME
: Where’s your Christmas list dad?

DAD
: A map of Texas would b nice

Dad Gift Guide III

ME
: Have you been thinking of gifts?

DAD
: not too much. needed a new razor and bought that. we talked about a new tv for the bedroom and bought that. just something small, having you home is the best present i could get.

(three hours later)

DAD
: i need a new car wash brush on a pole. get it when you get home.

Dad Gift Guide IV

ME
: What do you want christmas dad?

DAD
: Peace on earth good will to all.

ME
: No. Really.

DAD
: Fine. Boxer briefs… Calvin Klien or Puma Size 34

Dad Gift Guide V

ME
: Hey, what do you want for Christmas?

DAD
: remington 1187 premier shotgun

ME
: LOL, k, what else?

DAD
: hair

Dad Gift Guide VI

ME
: what do you want for christmas, dad?!

(nine days later)

DAD
: Coffee-starbucks,dark roast (Ethiopian, Guatemalan, or Latin American Blend); note cards (postcard size ONLY- with a nice border, thick stock (for MEN); reading glasses (3 pack if you can find it); 2.5 power Uniball pens-the pack from office max-vision needle, micropoint, paul shanklin CD-songs of the revolution (political satire) pties with patterns -i have enough solids- (you can get them at tjmaxx so you don’t have to spend a lot of money)

Dad Gift Guide VII

ME
: What do you want for Christmas?

DAD
: Hi. We have a new cheese lasagna recipe. My list; Bananagram and .09 Pentel lead pencil. Love you.

Trader Joe’s Turkey

MOM
: Hey! I was just looking in the Trader Joe’s flyer so, I guess you’ll be having Tofurkey for Thanks giving! Tofobble, fobble!!! :)

Thanksgiving

MOM
: Can you please tell the relatives you’re pregnant so I don’t accidentally say something? I’m afraid to speak.

Subtle Guilt Trip

MOM
: we got the tree do u want to decorate on monday with everyone or should i do it? there is no right answer we all need to be honest

Hanukkah Commute

ME
: Wires down at penn station, i’ll take the bus back

MOM
: Ok be careful!!!

ME
: of what?

MOM
: I don’t know, it’s windy!

ME
: but i’m commuting underground...

MOM
: that’s true, HAPPY HANUKKAH!!!!

Ten

MOM
: On a scale of 1 to 10 how much would you like to have a digital picture frame?