When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (12 page)
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Authors: Sophia Fraioli,Lauren Kaelin
Regret
MOM
: my greatest regret in life is that ill never have a dog
Mobile Mouse
MOM
: Where is my mouse?
ME
: I didn’t move it
MOM
: I saw it on booktable a few days ago; now I can’t find it
ME
: I didn’t touch it
MOM
: Why is it hanging with the snow people?
MOM
: Didn’t know it was mobile!
Stallion
MOM
: New living room art
Do You Have a Clue?
MOM
: Guess who?
Best Mom
Postcollege
MOM
: present! :)
Frankie’s Fun Park
DAD
: your grandmother wants to ride the motorcycle at Frankie’s Fun Park. ONLY 3 TOKENS
ME
: ...do what?
DAD
:
There are some texts that you receive and immediately have to share. “Tacos for Dinner” was our first “wow” moment. From that day on we’ve received hundreds of messages that give us that same sense of astonishment.
Most of the time compiling the book was spent around the Kaelin dining room table, where we were served hot meals by Marti and laughed over thousands of messages. Most of the texts we went through could easily be grouped, but there were some that were too crazy and hilarious to fit into one category. Each and every one of these made us burst out laughing; all we could say was “wow.”
Excursion Rules
DAD
: Ok heres the skinny on our little excursion. All those riding with me meet at 2:00. Nick is taking the fun bus so its just you and your friends. Here are the ground rules everyone should bring a blanket and a pillow and give 25 dollars before we leave. Absolutely no contraban allowed. Code names or nick names are required on this trip. Mine is elvis, you will refer to me as elvis or sir only I will be treated with respect. I will have complete control over the radio and cd player. There will be singing. All fellow travelers will be required to sing along with at least one rolling stones song. Complaints about my singing or driving will not be tolerated, If these conditions are acceptable to you I will see you at 2:00.
Scheduling Conflicts
DAD
: U know u r too busy when u have to schedule ur daily poop
(three hours later)
DAD
: I write it in my planner as making a deposit at the bank so no one will know
Words with Friends
MOM
: I am sitting at the orthodontist playing online scrabble with someone called Jesusboobs.
Inheritance
MOM
: Hi boarding. If our plane goes down you get all my jewelry except the diamond ring that has a matching necklace and earrings. You get the necklace and earrings your brother gets the ring to use when he gets engaged :) He can get a different setting but he gets the diamond save this text
Potential
DAD
: So, I found a new Mexican restaurant, very close to our house, for take out. Happy. On the way out, there’s a machine with bouncy balls for only fifty cents. Very happy. A new house with hardwood floors to take the ball home to. Very, very happy. A high landing to drop the ball off onto a hardwood floor, Near ecstatic. Machine malfunctions and won’t take my quarters. sad... Such potential.
Mucus
ME
: I’m coughing up so much mucus. It’s really gross.
DAD
: Save it so i can analyze it i love mucus
Creative
MOM
: I threw my Alfredo on the floor today sayin ayo there goes my lunch-o
Strange Sex
MOM
: I just watched strange sex - new series girl has panic attacks in her vagina!
MOM
: Its called vaginimus
Nectarines
DAD
: THE NECTARINES ARE READY dont 4get. dad
DAD
: I left a note on the kitchen table next to the bag of NECTARINES so u wouldnt 4get. its an orange note. he said that they would be ripe today so pls eat them. dad
DAD
: did you see the note? it is orange dad
Hoot Hoot
ME
: Did you make it back? How was your trip?
DAD
: I SAW 41 OWLS ON THE WAY HOME. This is big. Huge.
Adrenaline
ME
: YAY! The stuff we ordered is being delivered today
MOM
: Woo Hoo — Ruth died, you know Uncle Lyman’s wife, BUT I have your Braves tickets and check on the table!!
ME
: Mom, that is the most insane text I’ve ever gotten
MOM
: I know! My adrenaline is too high!!!!!!!!!!!