When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (19 page)
Read When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood Online
Authors: Sophia Fraioli,Lauren Kaelin
Dryer.
MOM
: ?
ME
: what’s up
MOM
: Don’t. Forget. To. Take. Lint. Out. Of. Dryer.
ME
: ok
MOM
: So. We. Don’t. Die. In. A. Fire. Thanks
Giving It Away
DAD
: Chocolate hot dogs. Million dollar idea for free!!
Destination Wedding
DAD
: when you get married, I think you should have a destination wedding……IN BERMUDA!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO NOT FART
ME
: I don’t feel good. My stomach hurts
MOM
: that’s how I felt when I had that explosive diarrhea - be careful what you eat
ME
: oh god ok
MOM
: I’m so sorry you feel bad. DO NOT FART for God’s sake. And if you feel the slightest rumble, go to the bathroom
How About That
ME
: I need a pair of snow boots or or something? my boots keep getting DRENCHED!
MOM
: how about plastic trash bags
Extreme
ME
: The boys that moved in upstairs are cool but they have a dog :(
MOM
: Poison the dog and throw it out the window.
Spring Break
DAD
: Hey, if you have the money & the time bring me back a cheap shell necklace, less than 10 bucks, that I can wear this summer… something that would look good with my tan. I’ll send you the money back.
Father’s Day Gifts
ME
: don’t know what to get dad for father’s day
MOM
: weight watchers membership
Sophia:
The Fraiolis have been known to let the insults fly.
We make fun of my dad for his obsession with birds and his insistence on wearing a belt and suspenders simultaneously.
My family makes fun of me for stomping too loudly up the stairs. So much so, they’ve renamed me Heavy Step or Bigfoot. My eighteen-year-old sister is tormented for her inability to obtain a driver’s license, and my mom’s epic sneezes keep us laughing for hours.
When you’re among family, no jokes are off-limits. But no matter how lame or insulting, a good diss between family members is almost always done with love.
Like, Oh My God
ME
: We got here like, 30 minutes ago
DAD
: like, great
Mama Jokes
ME
: You’re a bad texter.
DAD
: yo mama
Subtitle
DAD
: R
DAD
: Sorry about that last message. Small keypad, old hands. Or whatever.
Txt Tlk
MOM
: Lt me no wen u gt thr n b EXTRMLY CRFL!
ME
: I’m pretty sure it took you longer to figure out how to shorten those words than it would have to just text the correct spelling.
MOM
: Its txt tlk swee-t if i wntd 2 spll the hole wrds i wuld jst typ u a ltr.
Size 9
DAD
: What size boots do you want me to order?
ME
: 9 should be okay
DAD
: 9 gonna give you the extra room?
DAD
: For your stanky toenails?
Nonparticipant
ME
: I called you back but your voicemail wasn’t working.
DAD
: don’t send me text messages
Touché
MOM
: My butt hurts from sitting in this darn chair!
ME
: My uterus is trying to come out of my body. No sympathy from me. :(
MOM
: YOU came out of my body. No sympathy from me.
Sharing a Room
ME
: are you sharing a room?
DAD
: Yes.
ME
: with who?
DAD
: My roommate.
No Reply
DAD
: Where are you?
(no reply)
DAD
: Your mother says WTF.
Ringtone
DAD
: I set your ringtone as a crying baby, because it’s annoying and it cries. Just like you.
Welcome Home
ME
: You pick me up from college in 28 days!
DAD
: Ok
ME
: Yay would be a better response
DAD
: Why do we get to drop you off somewhere else afterwards?
Environmental Awareness
MOM
: Transferred grocery money. Deducted $50 for leaving on enough lights to power the state of Maryland. Jk but please be more aware
Graduation
ME
: guess what! youre talking to a college graduate!
MOM
: guess what! so are you
No Sympathy
DAD
: SO ANY NEWS YET?
ME
: NO, BUT I WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN/IF I HEAR ANYTHING
DAD
: ONLY CALL IF IT’S GOOD NEWS. I DON’T NEED TO HEAR YOUR TEARS
Cool New Website
ME
: Hey dad, can you edit my term paper for me?
DAD
: yeah sure, just send it to slavedaddy.com
Vodka Bottles
MOM
: Can’t find your shoes (the mocs) but I did see 2 empty vodka bottles.*
Oh, Snap!
DAD
: you got a pkg from Costco today?
ME
: what? maybe from amazon...
DAD
: maybe. but that would require amazon to start with a C, end with an O, & have ostc in the middle. they both end with .com though.
*See “Pasta Recipes” in the
Mealtimes
section.
My Tone
MOM
: Do you have any idea where the vaseline is?
ME
: No, I don’t live at home anymore.
(two hours later)
MOM
: I don’t like your tone.
Raisin Retort
ME
: These raisins are gross
MOM
: So are you HA
Mainstream
MOM
: lobster in pot…kitchen is now crustacean station!!!
ME
: …crustacean station?
MOM
: what….2 “mainstream” for u? ;)
Spinoff
ME
: Gousjansnfjfdk
MOM
: When drunk kids text
MOM
: .com
Way Harsh, Dad
ME
: I won my race :-) at least you have one child to be proud of
DAD
: it only took you 19 years to win something
Your parents love you, and they’ll never let you forget it.
Long and Strong
MOM
: Love you long and love you strong.
No Socks
DAD
: r u wearing socks?
ME
: No im in bed why
DAD
: bcuz when u wer younger id come in when u wer sleeping and rub your feet when they were cold.
Heart Happy
MOM
: Do you and your brother see each other much?
ME
: Yeah, sometimes we meet up for a drink and catch up.
MOM
: Just the two of you? Just for fun?
MOM
: That makes my heart happy.
Lupus
MOM
: Make sure that these are the correct medicines that u are taking!
ME
: They’re antibiotics, I’m all set. Tonsillitis should start to clear up in a couple of days :)
MOM
: Honey, I know u are nervous, god bless u.
ME
: It’s not that serious...
MOM
: Did u get tested for lupus? Please know i am concerned & i am waiting for u to call me when u are done with the tests.
ME
: It’s tonsilitis.
MOM
: U should fly home to be with your parents. This doesnt mean u failed in any way. Home means u have a place of comfort, a retreat, a place where u can get better while u get tested.
(ten minutes later)
MOM
: Can u go in today and get results on lupus?