When Parents Text: So Much Said...So Little Understood (13 page)

Circle of Life

MOM
: I just witnessed the circle if life. I was watching some small birds out of our back window eating some birdseed from our feeder AND and a small vulture type bird flys in and carries off one of the small birds it was so sad - now no birds are coming around to eat

MOM
: Do you want me to bring you a smoothie

Messed Up

MOM
: Gotta take nap. Think axxidently took 2 tylemol pm instead of tyl cold. Gonna brief taje nap.

Too Much

MOM
: Well just finished another episode of the Duggars. It’s an old one though I’ve seen it before. It’s the one where the mom WAS IN LITTLE ROCK TO STAY WITH THE NEW BABY AND THE FAMILY CAME TO VISIT. Sorry for all caps didn’t want to delete. That woman is so crazy to have that many kids. NCIS is on next. It’s a new one we haven’t seen yet! It’s only 10:00 so I’m sure you’re not up yet. I cleaned out my purse and decided to change to the giraffe wallet. Think I may go to walmart later don’t know what to make for your daddy for supper yet. Made pork chops last night but they were a little dry. Just filling you in no need to reply. Have a good day baby miss you luv u MOM

Feeling Better Now

ME
: text me something to make me feel better! i need it!

MOM
: thingamagingie that wibbles

MOM
: there once was a man named John who had a big kabon

MOM
: u need to talk?

MOM
: want me to hold your beefstick and nuts?

MOM
: success doesnt come to you you go to it.

Door Knockers

MOM
: Hi Honey. If u find anything in Colonial Williamsburg that would be nice for the house such as a nice front door knocker call or text me

MOM
: I am not interested in the pineapple door knockers

Doosie

MOM
: Thats good, I knew I was going to have a doosie Monday when I cut my finger on the conditioner bottle in the shower and then there was a sand spur in my underwear.

Owl Homicide

MOM
: How could anyone kick a owl? I find that very disturbing.

ME
: …what? Aren’t you driving?

MOM
: No at work. Soccer player kicked a owl that was on the field. Owl went into shock and died :(

ME
: #> owl with squished face

Third Time

DAD
: tonight was the third time of my life that I did not immediately recognize you. Dad.

Kitchen Knives

DAD
: I was showing your sister how sharp our new kitchen knives were and sliced my thumb open.

ME
: Are you ok?

DAD
: yeah I sewed in back together with some old sutures I had. I didn’t have any numbing medication and had to push the needle through with a nail filer.

ME
: oh.

Fly

ME
: My roommate said she saw you today and that you looked super fly

DAD
: Yep. I hope thats ok. to be fly

Bread Maker

MOM
: Your dentist died. No appt next week. I’ll find u new one. I learned how to make bread!!

Eagles

DAD
: An otherwise dreary day, SAVED. Three male bald eagles are putting on a fantastic aerial show right outside my window overlooking the harbor. Floating, soaring, diving and hovering at heights low enough that one can almost count their feathers. Majestic and beautiful.

Phone Charms

MOM
: My phone can hold charms!

ME
: Nice. I take it you’re looking for one, right now?

MOM
: No, I’m just staring at it.

It Did?

MOM
: I have a huge lasagna if you guys want to pick up bread

MOM
: That sounded dirty

MOM
: Sorry

Human?

MOM
: Our church is going to be on the news tonight

ME
: that’s cool! what for?

MOM
: A bone washed up in the ditch - They think it’s human.

Peeing

MOM
: Just got done peeing, pulling up my pants. I was going to see if u could bring me my bank card. Matt has it @ home. I’m hungry. That’s ok I can run home.

Crappy Cruise

ME
: How was your cruise?

MOM
: Crappy cruise…old people really old. I was at teh 21 table and one woman died at the roulette. Guess her number was up.

½ to 40

DAD
: Do you realize you are 37.5% done with college ?

DAD
: …And I believe 20 years old is 1/2 to 40…And 1/3 of 60…

DAD
: :D ?

Smokeless

ME
: So if I told you I was going to the strip club when I came home, you would say?

DAD
: Those are now smokeless. As are the dart places.

This is dad.

ME
: Guess what I’m wearing

DAD
: This is dad.

ME
: …yes. I’m wearing your sweater from the 80s.

Butter

MOM
: Did you happen to put 6 sticks of butter in your purse before going to the mall?

ME
: No

Drawing

MOM
: I just drew the best strawberry ever.

Epic Song

MOM
: what is the name of that song that is epic..that goes.. “dum dum DUM DUM (drums bum bum bum bum bum bum) dum dum DUM DUM” and then it is high notes and you feel like you can fly?

Oh, Not Much

MOM
: ‘Sup?

ME
: Nothing, just made dinner. You?

MOM
: bird died.

“Vagina”

MOM
: When I came home from work today I was called Vagina from a little boy across the street who was on a scooter. He was with his sister and they both laughed. I turned around and said That’s not nice Do you want me to tell your mother? They both said sorry

Dinner Party Guest List

MOM
: O, forgot 2 mention others who will b @ dinner @ L’s house, Jackie + kids, Carl + Melissa + her beau Igor (may b his son 2 who is H-school age + in football) L was in biz w/ Jackie in OH. Rich’s sister in law, Dina ( John, Rich’s bro died of pancreatic cancer) + her newly widowed dad + Frank + one of her son’s AJ (who, moved back from FRM New Zealand and worked in CO 4 a marijuana growing co. + is working on getting set up in that biz- huge $ in it.) Also, he has dreadlocks now!! He tiled the 1st house i had that was liquidated in my divorce. I think that’s it, any ?s hehehe :)

Sweet

DAD
: I just saw a horse scratching his neck on barbed wire.

ME
: Sweet, Dad.

What Do You Need??

MOM
: Are you near Barnes & Noble?

MOM
: Or a IHOP? GOLDSTONE? CHILI’S? ETC. PLEASE ANSWER ASAP.

The Hawk

MOM
: 40 to 50 mpr. winds snow tomorrow. the hawk is back.

ME
: wow! winter! what’s the hawk?

MOM
: the cold winter blustery wind and snow. some people call it the hawk

Deposits

MOM
: I just deposited love, hope, joy, health, & blessings in your account for 2011. Your pin is J.E.S.U.S. Please deposit

Breakfast Text

DAD
: I need you to text me.

ME
: ?

DAD
: I’m bored. Sitting on the toilet waiting for the person next to me to leave so that I can release my bowels. What did you have for breakfast?

FANDANGO

DAD
: If u ever get a chance try DENTYNE ICE ARCTIC CHILL ITS FANDANGO !!!

Circus

MOM
: I’m getting read to watch some elephants eat and there is a juggler here with your juggling clubs

ME
: Nice. Is he any good?

MOM
: He was. The elephants are getting ready to eat watermelons.

War Story

MOM
: so there I was doing a bug sweep before bed and a huge millipede was crawling behind the bed. It came toward me and I was screaming so Lu took off. Then it disappeared. So I thought I would go to bed. Then it was on the wall trying to attack. I screamed for your dad to come and kill it Long millipede later it was dead and had a funeral at sea.

ME
: Long millipede later?

MOM
: I was going to say to make long story short but then I wanted to work in long millipede

ME
: Great story

MOM
: the screaming was a bit over the top

Too Soon

DAD
: Saki Bombing? The last time we put those two ideas together it was @ Pearl harbor? :P.