Why Do I Have to Think Like a Man? (3 page)

We still saw each other regularly, but our next one-on-one time didn’t take place until the following year. Shortly after I had moved to Los Angeles, I showed up unannounced at his office, as I had sometimes done in the past. On this particular day, he had to leave early and head to the studio to finish up some work. He asked me if I wanted to accompany him. “Sure,” I answered. We were at the studio for about three hours when he told me he had to go to a meeting. He invited me to dinner at a restaurant in Santa Monica, where he was supposed to have his meeting. The dinner was great; he was wonderful company and we had a really nice time. I felt good about meeting his acquaintances. Things felt right. At the end of our great evening, we returned to the studio to finish listening to his upcoming CD. Suddenly, he walked over to a keyboard and began playing and singing a song he had written. It was so beautiful. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I was completely caught up in the moment.

When the date was over, Mark gave me a kiss on my lips and on both butt cheeks. That was it. The date was over. And I left with a feeling of euphoria. I was in love, or at least “in strong like.” Several months elapsed before the opportunity for romance arose again. This time it was far less romantic and far more natural and spontaneous. Okay, I will stop playing and get to the good stuff. One night in Mark’s office, he and I were talking about the
American Idol
show that had just aired. It was late and I had just begun to get my things together to leave. I walked over to Mark and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek as I always did. But this time it was different. We made eye contact with one another and began kissing passionately. His hand slowly moved up my back as we made our way to the sofa. . . . at least that is how it went in my mind. In real life, next thing I knew we were butt naked on the desk, and I was wondering why he still had on his mid-calf socks. (smile)

After knowing each other almost three years, we finally made love. There is something really provocative about having sex in an office. To this day, I can’t walk past Mark’s office without thinking about all the positions we were able to find in such a small area.

On my way home, I was all smiles. It was sensual and impulsive. I had no regrets. After this, I just knew we would start spending more time together and talking on the phone more. That is not what happened. Four days after our erotic sex, he sent me a text message that read “good night” signed with a smiley face. Not a call, to ask if I was okay. A text message! And four days later! Ain’t that about a bitch?! Now keep in mind, I held out for three years! It’s comical now but back then, I was kinda hurt. The moral of this story is that you need to see the man and situation for what they are—call a spade a spade. I knew early on that Mark saw different women, but for some reason I thought after three years, our relationship would be different. If a man changes into a diamond (aka a keeper), it won’t be because of what you did or didn’t do. It will be because it was just that time in his life to change his ways or settle down. It will have little to do with you personally, except that you arrived at the right time and place in his life.

Now let’s talk about the part women play in men becoming “players.” My story shows how, in certain situations, women contribute to this whole phenomenon. All too often, we opt to look past the warning signs that are directly in front of our faces. Instead, we see only what we want to see. As women, we see in men whatever we are missing or desire the most, even if it’s not really there. In this scenario with Mark, he was nurturing, kind, humble, and different from what I was used to seeing in a man who had “made it.” After being married to someone who had “made it” in the NFL but who acted the opposite of Mark, it was not only refreshing, it was captivating. Mark showed me what I wanted to see. You can “have it all” and still show kindness, respect, and love to those around you. I was smitten by this realization.

Women often look for a man who possesses what they lacked in the previous relationship; whether it’s money, a good sex partner, or encouragement. We seek what we’re personally missing from the men we date. Unfortunately, we women tend to confuse sex with love. They are not the same thing. If done right, sex makes your whole body tingle from head to toe while love lifts your confidence and self-esteem, making you feel safe and warm. We have to get clear about this.

It’s our turn to take better control of the situations we are in and stop blaming the men we choose to deal with. It’s time to take credit for our “good picks” and responsibility for the “bad ones.” Some women want to blame everyone around them for the type of relationships they are in. Stop it. We are going to stop squinting our eyes, looking the other way, and also stop calling spades, diamonds. There is a difference and you are about to learn it.

Clearly, it is our responsibility to set goals and establish standards. To drive the point home, how about the following example? A male friend of mine who I’ll call Curtis always says, “If I don’t hit it after the first three dates, I’m done.” What if women started saying, “If I don’t get a rent check within the first three dates, I’m done?” Very few people would be having sex, that’s for sure! Sex would be limited to the rich and those willing to concede to this new rule. What I’m telling you is that men should have to work harder than three dates to get some of the goodies. If an overweight forty-seven-year-old man with eight kids, very little savings, and a 1992 BMW can have these kinds of standards, what does that say about women today? The crazy thing is he gets women all too often! What do our standards look like? Oh, my God! Just think about it. If we see a man that is even close to being “in shape” with a few pesos on him, we treat him like Jesus on Resurrection Day (there is only one). We give him all the breaks, all the credit, and we hang in there like there’s no tomorrow, no matter how he makes us feel. Is that his fault?

There are 514 million people in the United States and some of these people are single men. You don’t have to settle ladies. If we are dense enough to believe we have to fight, settle, and compromise our wants and needs for one man, shame on us. Of the other 513,999,999 people left, surely we can find one that will treat us right, call us after we have sex with him, make sure we are okay, take us on dates, or bother to ask about our families, our children, our lives, and all that other good stuff that ladies like. That is our fault. I can’t blame the recipient, I blame the giver. We have men believing that
they
are God’s gift to this earth and that we will fight for them no matter how they treat us. It’s time to reconstruct the game and raise our self-esteem.

One conversation that I had, hammered this message home for me. I confided in a mature female friend about something Mark had done, but before I could begin my story, she asked, “Does he make sure you eat, put a roof over your head, and put money in your pocket?” I said, “No.” She asked,“Does he claim you as his girl?” I had to answer honestly. I said, “No.” She said, “Then I don’t want to hear it! If it’s not all about you, then he’s not for you, so let it go.” That was real talk. Honesty and self-reflection are the most difficult things to face, but they result in the greatest growth.

So now I say the same thing to you. If you are looking for more than sex and it’s not all about you, then keep it moving. We have given too much control to men who don’t deserve it. We fail to realize that what’s between our legs makes us extra powerful and we have given it away all too easily for far too long. Today is the day that we raise the bar, ladies.

Since the main goal of 99 percent of the men on planet earth is to have sex with someone, it’s our turn to figure out what we want and need from men as well. What is our main goal? There used to be a time when women just wanted to be loved, protected, nurtured, and provided for. Many of us still maintain such a dream. However, because of the changes in our society and the ruthlessness of some men, we too have to change and adjust to the new rules that men are playing by.

My ex-husband says, “I trick a little so they can trick a lot,” and that really didn’t make sense to me until one day when Talia, a friend of the family, told me about a recent relationship tragedy she had. She said, “Shanae, I met this great guy. He is tall, has beautiful chocolate skin, makes me laugh, treats my daughter like a princess, gives her an allowance, takes us out, and treats me like a queen. He rubs my feet and the sex is amazing.” I said, “For real? How long have you been dating him?” She said, “Almost three weeks.” I said, “Call me in three months, and then tell me how great he is.” After a month, Talia called and said they were moving in together. Now Talia had been living in the house that her recently deceased grandfather left her. It was paid in full—no notes, no liens, nothing. But her new boyfriend convinced her they needed to upgrade to this beautiful, new rental for twenty-five hundred dollars a month. Trustingly, Talia said, “Okay.” (I’m sure she was thinking her man was going to take care of her, no big deal.) Talia’s new boyfriend also asked her to put the new house in her name because his credit was “messed up.” This is a red flag that even Ray Charles could see, but she went along with it. A week later, Talia called me and said they were engaged.

I knew something wasn’t right, but I told her
congratulations
and asked about the bachelorette party and wedding. A week later, Talia called and told me she had bought a Mercedes Benz in her name and put his name on the title. A few weeks after that, she called to tell me her man and the Benz were missing. Weeks go by no call, e-mail, or text message. Talia was losing her mind. He finally called from a blocked number and explained to her that he had driven to Atlanta to visit his kids. After all the dust settled, Talia learned that he was staying with his baby’s mama in Atlanta. I said, “Girl, you better sell that ring.”

Oh, I forgot to mention that he presented her with a ring at her job. He had red roses, got down on one knee in the presence of her coworkers and proposed. Oh, the ring was in her name, too! WTF?

What should you learn from this example? Open your eyes and pay attention to all of the red flags that people show you. Listen to a man’s words, observe his actions, and see if they match. If a man is doing too much, asking for too much, and puttin’ it on thick early, watch out! People can say anything! Remember that a man who cheats, lies, and has multiple women is disconnected on so many levels that he lacks the ability to become emotionally attached. Be on the lookout for this type of guy. Honestly, I was mad as hell at the jerk who hurt Talia, but I was more disappointed for her.

I know it is safe to say that many of us have had our own
“wow”
stories that we would like to forget, although they helped us grow. Ladies, we tend to be needy at times, or maybe some of us have always been needy. Look around you, or just look in the mirror. How many women do you know who always have a story about being played, cheated on, mistreated, or abused in some manner? How many? Did it ever cross your mind that maybe it isn’t the man’s fault for being an asshole, but our fault for allowing him to treat us in a way that doesn’t make us feel good?

Of course they are going to be great for the first three dates. They have a goal in mind. We have allowed ourselves to become the prey. I can’t count how many times I have read or heard that “men are hunters by nature.” It is their natural instinct to look for prey. Too often, we put our head in the sand and behave like we don’t know why these people continue to come into our lives and cause us pain, disrespect us, and leave us with unmet needs. Well, let me help you out. It’s because you (and I) let them! That’s that. I don’t have an in-depth answer or the desire to give you some long psychological explaination. Ultimately, it’s because we let them.

Now it is our job to figure out
why
we let them. Is it because we are needy? Do we have low self-esteem and don’t know it? Are we trying to replace a male figure in our life that we never had? Do we not feel worthy or powerful? Do we not feel beautiful or healthy? Whatever it is, you and I need to look inside ourselves and find it, admit it, then fix it, so we can decrease our chances of accepting the same crap again.

My mom always tells me that I am too hard on guys. My younger sister, Moriah, always laughs and says, “I feel sorry for any guy that likes you, Nae.” The truth of the matter is, she doesn’t have to feel sorry for them. They won’t be around me long enough to get hurt or develop any kind of emotional attachment because if something doesn’t sound or look right to me, they’re gone. These days, I call it like it is, and often people don’t like what I have to say. But the truth of the matter is that the people in my life now are of far more character, and I am being treated better than ever.

I have been around professional athletes and entertainers for the past decade. I have seen the best and the worst that the male species has to offer. What I know for sure is that men are only going to treat you as good as you demand! Call it being a gold digger, high-maintenance, streetwalker, or whatever other creative words that men can think of, it really doesn’t matter; you need to establish what you want and need from the relationship from the beginning.

When you meet a man you like and he is interested in you, do yourself a favor, don’t look at him like he’s the “one.” Look at him like he’s a man with an agenda and possible potential. Give him ample time to show himself to you. If he turns out to be the one, great!

Okay, here we go.

Dating 201

You should place every guy you meet into one of the following four categories:

Category 1: Lose my number

Category 2: Friends

Category 3: Friends with mutual benefits

Category 4: My man

If you are anything like me, you have an idea of what category a man will fall into between the first hello and the second conversation, assuming he doesn’t do anything to mess it up when he opens his mouth.

Category 1 Lose My Number

If you go out on a date and the person you are with says something that rubs you the wrong way, or does something that comes across as a red flag, evaluate it, ask questions to clarify it, and if he can’t clear up the misunderstanding, put him in the “lose my number” category immediately following the date. You don’t necessarily have to tell him while you are on the date, just make a mental note.