Without a Mother's Love (26 page)

He expected the governess to be with her, but Olivia was alone, dragging her feet and looking forlorn with her head down. When she saw him she broke into a run, stumbling towards him over the grassy hummocks and through the broken-down wall. Her bonnet ribbons were undone and her eyes red.

‘What is it? What has happened?’ He took her hands in his, drawing her back into the shadows.

‘She - she’s gone. She went without saying goodbye to me.’ The tears welled and threatened to spill over her flushed cheeks.

‘Miss Trent has left Hill Top House?’

Olivia beat her fists against his chest. ‘How could she, Jared? How could she leave me like this? I loved her as a sister, and she has deserted me.’

Jared’s heart turned over as he saw how desolate she was. He stilled her fists with his own. ‘You’re not alone.You have me.’

‘But she did not tell me she was going,’ Olivia whispered. ‘Not a word! Why?’

‘I expect you would have persuaded her not to leave.’

‘Yes, I would!’ The tears spilled out and she leaned against him. ‘What shall I do without her?’

He wrapped his arms around her and held her close to him as she wept. ‘You are mistress of Hill Top House, Olivia. You are wise and strong, and you will manage quite well without her.’

‘I know,’ she cried. ‘It’s my fault. I tried to show her how capable I was, and how it would be better when my husband went away. But I only did it to stop her worrying! She was always concerned for what Uncle Hesley might do with me.’

‘We all worry about that, Olivia. He is a vindictive man, as I’m sure Miss Trent found out.’

‘Oh, yes, he was cruel to her. That was why I wanted her know that she did not have to stay just for me.’ Suddenly she collapsed against him. ‘But I didn’t mean her to go.’

Jared pressed her to his chest. He thought Miss Trent’s departure might be for the best and wished he could do more to comfort her. ‘I am sure she did not leave without good reason. But as your uncle’s servant—’ He stopped, unsure how to continue.

‘I know she was my uncle’s mistress,’ she said, into his jacket. ‘Do not spare my sensibilities.You forget that I am a married woman.’

‘I do not forget that. Ever,’ he responded evenly.

‘Sometimes I wish you would,’ she said quietly.

‘Do not speak of such things.’

‘Why shouldn’t I?’ She sniffed. ‘I need you more than ever, Jared. It is so isolated out here and you are so kind.’

Jared did not reply. He was drawing on all his self-control to steady his breathing, to stop himself kissing her and loving her.

After a few moments, she took a deep breath and looked up at him.‘But you are not my husband. Hesley is, and everyone says how wonderful that will be for me when he comes home.’

‘Well, he is a gentleman and now he is rich,’ he pointed out.

‘Oh, I know. He will have government compensation for freeing the slaves and then he will sell my plantation. Mexton Pit will have a new mine shaft and a steam engine, and all will be well. Everyone will be happy. Except me.’

‘Perhaps Hesley will reform his ways.’

‘Do you really think so?’

He shook his head.

She took his hand and held it to her cheek. ‘I am happy only when I am with you,’ she said softly.

‘We can only ever be friends, Olivia. You belong to Hesley and nothing can change that.’

‘He has no feelings except for himself. I am glad he went away. I wish he would stay abroad for ever. I’d rather be with you.’

‘Do not say that. It is wrong.’

‘Wrong? What is wrong? That I should prefer you to Hesley?’

‘We cannot be friends if you think of me in that way.’

‘Why not?’ She expected an answer from him.

‘You know why not,’ he said shortly. ‘You have a
husband
.’

‘But he is not a husband! He is not here, and when he was he did not love me. Not tenderly as a husband should. Not like you would.’

‘Olivia, this has gone too far. I shall not ride over here again if you behave in this way.’

‘So you would desert me, too?’

‘No.’ He did not want to leave her, but he had to be firm. He wondered where he would find the strength.

‘I wish you were my husband instead of Hesley.’

‘You must not say that. You must not think of me in that way.’

‘But I do! Hold me, Jared. Please.’

He could not refuse her. He held her as tightly as he dared, wondering if she was aware of just how much he craved her closeness. Her body moulded to his and her eyes insinuated her meaning to him. The temptation was too intense and he took her chin gently in his hand and kissed her. Desire flared out of control and his heart began to thump, strongly, steadily. It felt for a few precious moments as though she were his. His alone, not someone else’s wife.

Olivia had never felt like this with Hesley as she responded hungrily to Jared’s kiss. Hesley had not kissed her in this way. He had only made a pretence of kissing her in front of others. A brush of his lips on her cheek to please his grandfather.

He had been the same in the bedchamber. He did not truly want her as his wife. Any woman would have done for him. He had used her as he used his tavern whores and, she guessed, other women wherever he was now. She was not stupid about her charade of a marriage. His grandfather wanted her inheritance and an heir.

Jared’s tongue searched for hers and she pressed against him. Her bonnet fell to the ground and she did not mind. She wanted to devour him, for his body to join with hers, to give her the kind of joy that Hesley never had - indeed never could. Hesley. Hesley.Why must she think of him all the time? Hesley was halfway across the world and Jared was here, his arms around her, holding her as though he would never let her go.

He stopped and drew back his head to speak. But before he could she whispered, ‘Let’s go inside.’

‘No, Olivia, no.’ He groaned. ‘Do not tempt me.’ He held her head to his shoulder, his fingers parting and loosening the coils of her hair.

‘But I need you, Jared. I need you to love me,’ she choked.

Her face was close to his and he could see the tiny hairs that were straying from her bonnet and catching on her eyelashes. He wondered why those damp lashes were so dark when she was fair. He marvelled at the blueness of her eyes, shiny and bright, and wanted to kiss away her tears. His desire to love her was so strong he could barely form his words.

‘I must not,’ he whispered. ‘Do not urge me so.’

She watched his lips move and his stormy eyes darken. If she moved a little closer she would be able to feel the rasp of his chin where he had not shaved since morning. She had not noticed it before. Now she imagined how rough it would feel by evening, by night and, yes, by the following morning before he shaved again.

The urge to be near to him and to know him intimately overwhelmed her and she whispered, ‘I need to be close to you.’ Her hands crept around his neck and she clung to him.

His resolve ran away, like water on a hillside. His pulses quickened and when she opened her mouth to his, he bent his head and kissed her with a passion that he did not recognize as his own. His long-suppressed desire had taken away his reason, and he surrendered to his yearning to possess her.

She returned his hunger, her body urging him with its own language. His lips lowered to her throat and to the swell of her breasts. She tilted back her head with a strangled moan. Oh, if only they could be together . . . if only . . . His mouth returned to hers and she thought he might devour her, so eager were his kisses. Her knees buckled beneath her and they would have fallen as one to the ground, to the dry, springy grass, if only . . . if only he would let her.

He took her weight in his arms and drew his lips from hers. ‘This has to stop. It has to.’

She saw the pain in his eyes and pleaded, ‘You don’t understand. I - I love you, Jared. I love you.’

His fingers covered her lips gently. ‘You must not say that.’

She opened her mouth to lick and nibble at his hand. ‘It is the truth. I want you to love me, too. I do.’

‘You know it cannot be.’

‘But I cannot live if I cannot love you.’

‘Olivia, you must be strong about this. We may not be together.You belong to Hesley.’

‘I do not love Hesley!’

‘You are his wife.’ The words restored his reason. If Olivia could not stand firm, he must find strength for them both. ‘I should not have kissed you. We must not meet like this.’

But he could not move away from her. His passion was so keenly aroused that he thought it would never subside. He allowed himself a few more seconds of tortured bliss, then gently pushed her away. ‘We must stop now. Before we regret our actions.’

‘I should not regret anything,’ she said quietly.

‘Olivia, this will not do.’

‘But you want me. I am a married woman so I know the signs.’

He held his head in his hands. ‘No, Olivia. I have said no.’

‘And I must do what the men say. I tell you, Jared Tyler, I am growing tired of doing as I am told.’

‘Please, Olivia, take care. I fear for your freedom when you speak so. We shall not meet again like this. It is too dangerous for you. I shall go away.’

‘No!’ Olivia felt as though a knife had sliced through her heart. ‘Don’t leave me. How can I go on without you?’

‘You have your house, the garden and the harvest to fill your days.’

‘And my nights? How shall I fill those?’

‘It will not be for ever. Hesley will return.’

‘It is not Hesley I want!’ she cried.

‘Do not be angry with me, Olivia.’

‘Oh, but I am.’ She turned her back on him with a flounce and walked away.

He caught her arm and stopped her. ‘Olivia! We should not part like this.’

She shook off his hand. ‘Leave me be and go away. If you will not love me, do not taunt me with your presence.’

She marched off, her head held high. He called her name once but she did not reply or look back. She could not bear to see him, knowing he had refused her. Her heart ached for him, and as the distance between them widened, her tears flowed more readily.

He watched her until she disappeared, leaving a void in the air around him that seeped into his core. He prayed she would see the sense in what he had said. If they continued to meet she would not heed the risk. She would persist until she broke his resolve. And break it she would, for Olivia was headstrong and he was not made of iron. He would have to stay away from her. For her own protection. And he knew how.

Sir William had talked to him of lectures in Manchester, at the Institute. He wanted Jared to attend, to lodge there, work with engineers and learn about steam engines. It was a rare opportunity, and it would take him away from the South Riding for several years. And it would be a solution of sorts for him. But one he chose to follow with a heavy heart.

 

Olivia could not console herself with household tasks. Her isolation was matched only by the bleakness of the open moor. She did not revert to the wild ways of her childhood. In those lonely hours when she walked alone, she thought often of Miss Trent and remembered her counsel on devotion and virtue, reflecting that there was wisdom in her words.

But Miss Trent had not warned her that love could be destructive. Her hopes for Olivia had been for a brighter future with a mature, considerate husband. They were Olivia’s only hopes now, as she excelled as mistress of her own household and as nurse to her ailing uncle. She endeavoured to forget her love for Jared and prepare herself to be a good wife for Hesley when he returned. Her happiness with Jared had been an interlude only, a short-lived escape from the desolation of Hill Top House.

PART TWO: 1837

Chapter 20

‘Go to bed, Olivia. I have business to discuss with Grandfather.’

‘Is it not my business, too? I should like to hear how my plantation has fared.’

Hesley’s scorn astonished her. She had thought her husband would have been pleased with her interest. Instead he sneered, ‘Pretty yourself in the bedchamber. That’s what ladies do with their time, isn’t it?’

She glanced at Uncle Hesley, who waved her away. Now that his grandson had returned he had no use for her to fill his time, reading news-sheets or mixing his medicines. In the years that her husband had been away her uncle had aged considerably. He had never recovered fully after he has been injured in the pit riot before her marriage. Her husband, also, had not weathered well. He was too thin. The sun had taken its toll on his skin and he looked much older than his eight-and-twenty years.

‘Of course, dearest,’ she replied, and rose to leave. He was tired after his journey and his grandfather was pleased to see him, if she was not. She had long since accepted that Hesley would never bring her happiness. But for a while now she had thought that a child might. She envied the mothers she met at church, and for a time had considered that when Hesley returned she might try to be a wife to him. Hill Top House echoed with emptiness and she wanted children, even if they had to be Hesley’s.

She had offered to show him her house improvements and the garden she had made. But he was not interested in domesticity. He was not even concerned for the coal mine, which was now his main source of income. His tastes lay in drinking and gambling, traits he shared with his ageing grandfather and a group of like-minded South Riding friends.

Olivia had survived well enough without him, she thought, but not so well without Miss Trent and Jared. They had been her only true friends. She understood why Miss Trent had been forced away, but that she had gone without saying goodbye still hurt. She prayed she was well and often wondered where she was. Perhaps married with her own child by now. Olivia hoped she was happy.

And then Jared had left the Riding.When she had found out her heart had bled. Some misplaced sense of duty to her had driven him away. Hesley was no husband. He was a drunkard, a gambler, and selfish like his grandfather. But there was one thing she shared with them: the desire for a child. She did not look forward to union with her husband, but how else was she to bear him an heir?