You Are My Sunshine: A Novel Of The Holocaust (All My Love Detrick Companion Novel) (24 page)

He reached up and touched her face. She held his hand.

“Thank you, for playing for me.” She said in a whisper still in awe of the sounds that had just entranced her.

He nodded. “It’s been quite a while since I’ve touched the violin.
When I play all of my feelings come to the surface. Sometimes it’s too painful.”

“I know, I saw that.”

He took her hand in his and squeezed. “I don’t want to fall in love with you, Zofia. It’s too dangerous to love anyone or anything right now. Everything can be taken away in an instant.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Yes and no….no.” His eyes were soft like black oil. “I am only fooling myself; I am falling in love with you. Either its love or I’m just so damn lonely. I don’t know if I can tell the difference.”

“I know. I’ve been lonely for a very long time. But I have also been hurt and I’m
not ready for anything serious.”

“I would never hurt you, Z
ofia. Never.”

“Dovid, you are like a little boy. I can’t take care
of you. I have too much to worry about on my own.”

“That was a cruel statement, Z
ofia. I am not a boy. Sensitive, yes.  But I am a man in every sense of the word. And I might not be as strong as some men, not the he-man every girl dreams of, but I would give my life for someone I care for.”

“I’m sorry. That was crass
of me to say. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep saying terrible things. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I’m just afraid, I guess. I just don’t want to get hurt. ”

“And
I suppose you don’t find me attractive in that way?” He asked looking down at his hands

She studied him. He was nice looking, kind, gentle. It had been a long time since she’d felt a man’s arms around her. Sometimes late at night she’d hungered for
the physical affection of a man. She’d only tasted it once, and it seemed so long ago, but somehow her body remembered and craved what it had once known. And, besides, since Eidel was gone she’d not felt the warmth and the much needed touch of another human being. She yearned for physical contact. She ached to hold her child, she ached to hold a man, and she ached to be whole.

“Kiss
me.” She said. It had been so long since she’d felt the intimate touch of a man. Her body trembled in anticipation.

Dovid touched her face, h
is eyes brimming with need and disbelief. Slowly he moved closer to her taking her face in his hands. Gently his lips brushed hers. She put her arms around him and held him close to her. The heat of his body sent shock waves of need through her own. It was an awkward embrace at first, clumsy, neither knew where to put their arms or their hands. Both trying desperately not to look foolish, their heads bumped. Then they stopped for a moment, looked at each other and laughed.

“Just kiss me, Dovid, she said.”
Unlike her relationship with Don Taylor, this time Zofia had no illusions. She was not searching for undying love, only momentary warmth, and companionship.

This time his arms draped
around her and hers reached up to embrace him. They kissed several times in a state of discovery. Then she took his hand and led him to his small cot. Lying back, she beckoned him to lie beside her. He did.  And for a short hour, they forgot that they were Jews waiting for Hitler’s decision on whether they were to live or die. For an hour, they were just a man and a woman entwined in each other on the precipice of love.

Chapter
37

It felt good to have somewhere to go, and something to do. If only for short periods of time, Dovid kept Zofia’s mind occupied, helping her to forget how much she missed Eidel.  He began teaching her to play the violin. Learning the instrument proved harder than she’d expected and the more she worked with it the greater her appreciation for Dovid’s talent grew. Sometimes, Dovid offered free concerts gathering a large enough audience to force him to play outside in the open field with room enough for everyone to could come and listen. Zofia would sit in the front row, beaming with pride.  In the early evening just at sunset, she and Dovid took long walks, talking, sharing, and daring to dream. He loaned her his favorite books, books he’d sacrificed food rations to purchase from the black market. Often they sat in his apartment sipping coffee and discussing a book he’d given her to read. It was wonderful to share ideas. They even went to a theatrical play that several of the other ghetto dwellers put on in one of the apartments. Zofia had never played cards before. Dovid purchased a dog-eared deck from the black market and he taught her.

The weeks went by. A day did not pass that Z
ofia did not miss Eidel, but the pain had begun to dull and she was grateful to Dovid for the distraction. She was not in love with him. For her it was not the passionate all encompassing relationship that it was for him. She’d been hurt, and she could not give her heart as easily as he seemed to. But she enjoyed his company. Their conversations flowed freely and effortlessly, although she still did not feel secure enough to tell him about Eidel.

One
night they lay together talking and sipping wine that Dovid had purchased from the black market. His arms wrapped around her in the sweet afterglow of their lovemaking. In the darkness lit only by the radiance of the streetlights shining through the window, Zofia could see his profile. Suddenly she was overcome by great sadness, she felt sorry for him.

“Dovid, don’t fall in love with me.” She said.

“What? Why do you say that?” He reached for her hand.

“Because I’m damaged, I’ve
been hurt and I don’t think I’m capable of love anymore.”

“You’re too late. I’m already falling in love with you. I think
of you all the time. You’re the only bright light in my life.”

“Dovid
...Dovid” She said and got up to walk to the window. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I would rather you hurt me then try to push me away.”

“I don’t want to do either. Can’t we just be friends? No promises, no future? I can’t make any promises Dovid…”

“Oh Z
ofia, I don’t know if we have a future any way. It seems as if that is not for us to decide. But for now, can’t we just be happy in what we’ve found in each other?”

“
Of course it is for us to decide. What do you mean?”

“
Zofia...” He choked on the words and had to turn to the side table where he had a glass of water. “I mean the Nazi’s plan to kill us all. And they will probably succeed.”

“Only if we let them
,” She said her chin firm but she felt the tears welling up in her eyes.

“You’re such a fighter. I wish I had half
of your courage.” He said. She turned to see him smile wryly in the darkness.

“Dovid, I’m not courageous, just stubborn.
I refuse to let them win. If they kill me, than they do, but I won’t stop trying.”

“If you won’t stop trying, then at least, let yourself love me. It is the least you can d
o for yourself Zofia. If you can have even a little happiness it’s worth the pain.”

“Dovid…Dovid.” She shook her head. She had no answer.

Chapter
38

Every Friday night Koppel still came to Zofia’s apartment to wish her a good Sabbath. He insisted that she accompany him on occasional walks where he backed her against the walls of the buildings trying to kiss and touch her. She knew better than to complain, instead she fended him off as gently as possible. But he didn’t seem at all discouraged, in fact the more she pushed him away, the more he wanted her.

On
one such Friday night as the women were preparing for the Sabbath, Koppel arrived, bearing gifts of roasted chicken wrapped in white butcher paper and fresh bread, a small box of cookies and three oranges. A feast in such hard times, more delicious food than the three women had seen since they had been taken to the ghetto.

“Good
Sabbath,” He said.

Gitel frowned at him but she answered
. “Good Sabbath.”

“Good
Sabbath.” Fruma said as well.

“Hello,
Koppel, and good Sabbath.” Zofia said. She could not help but think that the food he brought was a gift to him from the Nazi’s in exchange for the lives of so many poor Jewish souls. He put the food on the table. It was already set for the Sabbath.

“It’s only right that you should invite me to dinner.” Koppel said. “After all I did bring the meal.”

“Yes, you did.”
Fruma said. She was stirring a pot of soup that contained a few beans and potatoes. If Koppel had not arrived this was to be their Shabbat dinner.

Z
ofia looked at the kettle that simmered softly on the stove, at least it was not provided by the blood of the innocents. She thought. Keep your tongue, she told herself. He has the power to destroy you and these two women who you care so much about. “Of course you are invited, Koppel.” Zofia said.

“Well, then
…let’s have dinner…” He said.

Fruma
covered her head with a shawl and began lighting the candles. Then she spoke the prayers as she closed her eyes and moved her hands pulling the smoke towards her. With a voice soft but firm, she began…

“Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha’olam. Blessed are you, Lord, our God, sovereign of the universe…”

At the end of the prayers, there was a chorus of “Amen.”

Z
ofia could not help but wonder what God thought of a man like Koppel, a man who would sacrifice his own people to save himself.

“May I do the honors?” Koppel said as he stood up and began to carve the chicken. Once he finished he asked each
of them “Dark or white meat?” Then he served each of them.

Z
ofia was hungry it had been months since she’d had meat but as delicious as it tasted, it stuck in her throat. She could not swallow. She drank water and still it felt as if it would not go down. Koppel didn’t seem to notice. He was busy talking. Doing his best to charm Fruma by telling her how beautiful the embroidery was on her Shabbats tablecloth.

“Thank you, I made this when I was a young girl. I can’t see as well any more. Now such intricate
needlework has become very difficult for me. It must be my old eyes.”

“You aren’t old,
Fruma you’re in your prime.”

“Ye
s, of course Koppel.” She said with a smile unconvinced by his flattery..

After
dinner, the women cleared the table. Koppel sat down on the cot in the adjoining room and waited for Zofia.

Z
ofia and Fruma went to the room where the other family who lived with them slept. They were there. Fruma knew that they had no dinner for the Sabbath, they’d run out of rations. She offered them some of the soup she’d made. They graciously accepted.

“I’ll bet they had nothing left from their rations for dinner.” Z
ofia said.
“I know, it’s hardly enough, and with a man living with them, it must be even harder to make ends meet. Men have such big appetites. They can’t help that.”

Once they’d finished
eating Koppel asked Zofia if she would accompany him for a walk.

“Would you like to come to my apartment?” Koppel asked as they walked down the cobblestone street.

“I don’t think so Koppel.”

“You don’t? It’s been a long time
already, that we have been seeing each other. It is time don’t you agree?”

“Koppel,
I am just not ready…”

“You’re ready when it comes to that sniveling little idiot.”

She glanced over at him quickly. What did he know? He didn’t look at her, but His face burnt red in spite of the cool wind.

“You know exactly what I am talking about. Nothing happens in this Ghetto that I don’t know about. I have spies everywhere. You think you’re fooling me? I know about you and Dovid. It shames me, Z
ofia, shames me.”

Her breath caught in her throat. She swallowed and chocked on her own saliva. As
hard as she tried to contain herself, she began coughing.

“So, admit it’s true. I’m not a jealous man. But I won’t be taken for a fool.
Do you think you can sleep with him and deny me? Me who has given you and your dike friends so much? I could force you and you would have nothing to say about it. Worse, I could sell you to every man here in the ghetto if I wanted to, and you would have no one to complain to. I am the authority, Zofia. I make the choices I decide who stays and who goes. And don’t forget it. Remember if you get me angry enough, I could put you and your perverted little family on the next train.”

She trembled. “Koppel…”

“And don’t think I couldn’t alert the Gestapo about you sending Eidel out of here. They’d find her out there. Don’t think they wouldn’t. And...They would kill her. In a second they would kill her.”

“N
o!” Zofia screamed.

He grabbed her shoulder and swung her around hard t
o face him. “Then stop playing the innocent self righteous bitch with me and act like you appreciate all that I have done for you.”