ZOMBIES!!! The Best Weapons for Obliterating Zombies in the Apocalypse (5 page)

Woodcutting saws have a real advantage over a simple chainsaw, which is too small, slow, or light to do effective damage. They are used to cut down whole trees at the base of the trunk, but are stiff, small, hand–held models, like back saws, or are larger mill-like saws attached to the front of a small vehicle. The handheld version is not recommended. While it is fairly sharp (used to saw wood for furniture making), one would have to hold a zombie down to saw their head off. The vehicle version is not recommended because it probably uses an inordinate amount of gasoline, and the zombies would have to get right in front of it to be damaged.

A bludgeoning weapon is usually a heavy long stick-like object with spikes or chain-based attachments. Generally, their mode of killing involves smashing or demolishing the skull, even if the wearer is in protective headgear. There have been ample sophisticated bludgeoning weapons through history, like the mace or flail, but any heavy, long object that's fairly sturdy can be used to smash a zombie head. Weight of the weapon, as well as ultimate durability, should influence your decision.

Of all the melee weapons (non-projectile weapons used in close combat), bludgeons and other bludgeon-like objects can be effective in the hands of a beginner, as long as their aerobic strength and agility are fairly well-honed. While some objects turned weapons (like a crowbar, miner's pick, or baseball bat) are maneuvered fairly easily by a general audience, there are still a few (like the mace or flail) that require the user to obtain a certain skill level before true proficiency is reached.

These are some of the heaviest weapons and are the easiest to find. However, with any bludgeoner whose intent is to smash the head, one must be cautious of zombie fluid-shrapnel during fighting, so you must dress accordingly. Masks are fairly good protection for the mouth and mucous membranes of the mouth, throat, and sinuses, where zombie blood and contamination could be readily absorbed, but keeping the eyes covered and tightly wrapping any injuries to prevent contamination is a must for bludgeoners. However, the rewards are great for fully mastering a sturdy, heavy melee bludgeon. They rarely break. They do not require sharpening, and they have no ammo requirements.

Mace and Flails

A mace is a long club-like object with a heavy spiked ball at one end. It was used in medieval Europe, because most soldiers would have to puncture or smash armor to kill  an enemy. When used effectively, this is the best head-cracker there is and it's extremely durable. This makes it an excellent choice for someone interested in bludgeoning weapons as their modus operandi when killing zombies. There are some drawbacks, however. The extreme weight of the weapon, and the extreme strength needed to successfully use the weapon, seriously limit its usefulness for most users. They are also exceedingly rare. Most museum models would be untenable for combat due to their extreme age. A third drawback has to do with the level of mess and fluids that are expelled when using a mace on a zombie. The Mongols has a version that was able to completely turn a head to mush in a single blow. The level of spray with a weapon like that would be excessive. One would have to wear a suit and goggles, as well as other implements, when using such a powerful crushing weapon. Protective gear, while useful to prevent user contamination, may slow down the user, and the goggles might become so covered with blood that they lose any good visibility in low light or dim areas. However, in the right hands, this would be a perfect killing and decapitating tool for zombies.

The flail is almost exactly like a mace, only the spiked or un-spiked ball at the end of the staff is suspended from a chain. They were used and developed during similar time periods (medieval Europe), but their use and skill level differs wildly from a mace. The flail is both the more sophisticated and the more unreliable of the two. Similar to a sling, the user swings the metal, spiked ball in a circular motion above the user's head before striking. Because there is a great degree of variability in a weapon of this nature, it is next to impossible to hit a target effectively and constantly without considerable training. However, when wielded accurately, it is close to the mace in head-smashing and armor-piercing power, and any heads beware a truly effective flail user. The term flail, in cooking terms (like flailing a fish), means to split a piece of meat down the middle, and this should give you an idea of the potentially awesome power of this weapon.

The most serious drawback to this weapon, however, is the potential injury inflicted on the user if the user is not an expert. The degree of precision needed to throw the ball at a target, rather than smashing one's own head, is very slight, and injuring one's head is a real danger when using it. If you do intend to use it, even if trained with this weapon, wear a helmet at all times! Besides the fact that a helmet keeps your head and brains protected from brain-hungry zombies, it's also insurance should you, during a battle, get distracted enough to make a mistake. It only takes using it inaccurately once to seal your death and eventual zombie resurrection!

War hammers were a large, heavy hammer with a heavy metal spike on one end, and they were developed for soldiers to use on cavalrymen during the middle ages. They look like the cross between a carpenter's hammer and a miner's pickax. They are extremely heavy and could be used similarly to a mace. The long spike can become lodged in the head of a zombie, so using the flat side is the best option when fighting against many zombies at once. They are fairly rare, so the chance of you seeing one of these is probably minimal. If you do end up with one, it can be a great bludgeoning tool!

The kanabo is a long, heavy wooden staff with spikes on the top half to two-thirds of the shaft. They could be made of metal, wood, or a combination of both. They could range from a few feet to several feet in height and were reputed to be extremely strong. Their extreme weight (25 pounds) makes this a dangerous but improbable weapon for most users.  They could definitely smash a zombie head to smithereens, but there are lighter options that are easier to obtain.

Only the very foolish will use these archaic weapons against a zombie. Popularized by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Bos and Nunchucks were the weapons used by Donatello and Michelangelo. While they have a rich history in the East, they are not advised for most users or most situations with zombies. The bo (or long wooden/metal staff) was first used in ancient China, specifically in the Shaolin Temple of the Henan Province. It was used to enrich a user's martial arts practice, and a good deal of agility and speed were needed to use it effectively. In ancient China, like in feudal Japan, the armor was devised of cloth and steel plates, rather than heavy metal; weapons with enough heft or puncturing ability to pierce heavy armor were unneeded at that time. It takes a lot of force to break a bone, let alone a head, with a bo. These are not recommended for the general user. In a pinch, they are easy to make from any long, wooden staff. But breaking, especially on thicker zombie heads or jaws, can be a real possibility if too much force is applied.

The nunchucks are another Chinese weapon which was designed for use against minimally armored soldiers. They are hard to use effectively against the undead because the intent of the nunchucks was to inflict bodily injury on the recipient, something that due to their lack of live nerve endings would not slow any hardy zombie down. They can be used to smash or crunch heads. However, this is a skill that only an expert would be able to pull off. If there is something else to use as a weapon, I would use it over nunchucks, hands down. Unless you are an expert, misuse could be fatal.