A New Dream [Dreams: 1] (10 page)

C
hapter 15 –
D
avid:
Emotional roller coaster

O
ver the following weeks, David buried himself in a nice, if not unsettling, routine. He woke up early every morning to take the deliveries and prepare the bar for opening. Once a week, he and Sin would plan the menus for the coming week.

He had found out Sin's real name was Sinead but for some reason she hated it and she was known to slap you if you’d have the audacity to call her that. Otherwise, Sin was shy, secretive and silent. She didn't waste breaths on empty words. She was effective and meticulous, two qualities David liked greatly. She didn’t look like more than fifteen but Bo would never hire someone underage, so she had to be older.

David still wondered but couldn’t make himself ask. So what, if she was… They spent every morning together, preparing before lunch, he would work at the bar afterwards as she cleaned up after lunch and prepare for the evening shift. She left at three in the afternoon, doing who knows what with who knows who. David wasn’t one to pry; she could do whatever she wanted, as long as she was on time for work and her personal life didn’t interfere with the way she was doing her job. She was a mystery to David but Bo didn’t seem to care. So, he let it go.

He worked at the bar with Danny or Jet, whether it was for the first shift or the second. Concerning the live music, word of mouth had worked pretty good and the bar was booked until the end of June. Considering they were only at the start of May, he was glad that the bar appealed to both musicians and music lovers.

Shifts came in such rapid succession, one after another, David felt the last few weeks had passed in a blur. He hadn’t had a lot of time with James; at nights he was exhausted and James hadn't spent much time in the bar either. He felt from his… ―what? Boyfriend? Lover?―a certain form of distance. It was wearing him out to see James take a step forward only to take two backwards right after. David couldn’t see what was wrong with him.
As if it would hurt to let him come into his personal space…

Yes, sure, David had told no one what was going on between the two of them. Maybe that was it. Maybe James was bothered by the fact that David was somehow hiding it. But, to be honest, David was afraid that for James it was just a fling and that once he had what he wanted, he would ignore him like yesterday's news. James acted more and more distant and David was afraid to be ditched all at once. A confrontation was highly needed.

Besides, there was the matter of their lovemaking. David had never been really fond of sex, particularly these last three years. But what he missed the most was the tenderness. David understood James’ willingness to go slow. He had told him that anal sex wasn’t for everyone and David believed him. They could still have sex without penetration, James had added.

David had blushed like never before when they’d had that particular conversation. Since then, their fondling had been kept to a minimum. He felt as if he was on a diet, but it wasn’t because he was on diet that he had no right to look at the menu! Well, he loved watching James. A trifling inch of naked skin caused a stir in his heart and pants. Rationing was getting on his nerves, to say the least.

To date, it was almost three weeks since they had first started seeing each other. David was sick of the restrictions and was desperate for more than simply cuddling. He was hungry for the person he considered as
his
man. He wanted to know why James didn’t want to get involved. If they had fucked like bunnies and James had dumped him straight after, David would have had understood. He wouldn’t have liked it, but, understood? Yes, he would have. As they were, they were staying at the fringes of what they could have, what they
should
have. David craved the man’s heart and he hated the fact he couldn’t have access to it. He was even denied James’ body, which was immensely unfair. David had come to accept this part of himself and he had made huge steps, yet he couldn’t have what he wanted most. He couldn’t do things by half.

He tried to imagine what it would be like to live and work here without having James.
Torture
. Even if James wasn’t an active member of the team, he still owned half and thus, he was still one of his bosses.
Screw that, he’s not my boss. He’s my…
Yeah, his what? David didn’t even know how to think about the guy. If he pictured himself with someone else, it was with a man. He still liked watching women, they had soft curves and their sensuality still held its appeal. But rough hands manhandling him? A hard body against his own?
Hell, yeah!

During these last few weeks, he had unearthed his inner gaydar. Each man coming into the bar was examined in minute detail. He had begun to notice all the sweet smiles, muscled arms…and yes, round firm asses too. He had received a few winks, making him blush like crazy. He loved living here where he found people very open-minded about homosexuality. Of course, he wasn’t naive and he knew that there were homophobes everywhere. But Massachusetts had been the first state in the US to vote for marriage equality in 2004, the sixth jurisdiction in the world. That should say something about the inhabitants of the state. The few insults he had heard were thrown by uneducated miscreants and he wouldn’t listen to them. He was proud of the man he was now and he wouldn’t hide from anyone.

Since meeting in the park, the Black Bulldog had become Chris’ headquarters. Lunch was winding down when Chris walked into the bar, David saw immediately something was wrong. Behind the fake sweet smile and humor, Chris was hiding his anguish. David wasn’t fooled and before Chris was half done with his meal, David decided to make him spill the beans.

“Okay, enough with it. Spill!” David grinned when Chris sighed, harking his fingers through his hair.

“Nothing, I’m all good.” Seeing David give him a look, he admitted reluctantly, “It’s just that I’m fed up with all this.”

As Chris fell silent, David enticed him to continue. “Fed up with what? The rising price of flour? The evolution of global warming, caused by the rotation of the cow’s tail?” He deadpanned.

“Say what?!” Chris frowned and sat up. “No, you idiot, I just want to find someone and settle down. I wanna stop fucking every man and his brother.” He pouted as David’s grin grew wider.

“Come on! If we were chatting on Internet, I’d say LOL! Is it your way of saying you slept with a lot of people lately?” He asked seriously.

“Sleeping is not the right word. You could use it if I was actually sleeping. Fuck, I’m twice as often on my knees or against a wall than in a bed!” He shook his head.

“Oh my God, Chris please, man, I
so
do not need to know! Some things are better unsaid!”

“Yeah, I know, sorry mate.” Chris looked down. David saw how his friend was affected by his thoughts. He playfully punched him in the arm.

“What’s the problem, big boy?” He asked softly.

“Nothing important. I’m only in a bad mood.” He wriggled on his stool. “You’d better talk to me about James and you. What’s up?”

“Oh no, no, no! You won’t get away with it that easily!” David couldn’t let it rest. “You know you can tell me everything. I’m here for you. Feel free to talk to me. I won’t judge you, okay?”

Chris nodded silently and took a deep breath. He wrapped his hand around his cold glass of beer as if it could anchor him.

“Okay… I went out last night. To a club. The kind of club with backrooms and BJs at every corner.” He glanced at David from under his eyelashes before dropping his eyes back to his beer. “I ran into a guy I haven’t seen in a while. But I wasn’t there to fuck, I just wanted to unwind, have some fun and drink a beer or two.” He hunched his shoulders. “Well, long story short, he treated me like a dog, calling me names and all. He said I was a slut.” He sipped his beer silently, looking more dejected than ever. “Actually, I can’t resent him. I’m a bit of a whore after all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I meant it when I said I was fucking with everyone. I’m a promiscuous trollop, to say it nicely. I’m not picky, hand job, blowjob, quick fuck… you can offer me what you want.” He drank again.

“Oh no thanks, I wouldn’t offer you anything,” David replied. “I’m taken…well for now, at least. I know! You could try girls!” He joked.

“Eeeew hell no!”

They giggled like kids until James strode into the bar. David fell silent.

“That bad, huh?” Chris asked gently.”Trouble in Paradise?”

“Yeah, more like Gunfight at the OK Corral.” David chuckled halfheartedly.

“I thought everything was great between the two of you?”

“Well, he keeps his distance,” David murmured, his eyes unwavering and set on James. Almost all the patrons were gone now as it was almost three in the afternoon.

“I can see you two have to talk. No need to show me the way out.” he winked. Chris picked up his plate and cutlery prior to walking into the kitchen where Sin greeted him with a shy smile. David liked the guy; he had quickly become a regular in the bar and he knew his way around. He had even helped them with the table clearing and dish washing on occasion. Chris deserved a bit of happiness and David kept his fingers crossed for the young man. But right now, he was about to fight his own war. He went in 'lawyer' mode, something he hadn’t done for a long time. It seemed like a life time already.
The best defense is the offense
. He was taking a huge bet and he hoped his bluff would make him win the game.

“Hey there!” he smiled. “Do you have a minute? I think we need to talk.” His tone was even. An outside observant would assume he was completely at ease with what was about to happen. In reality, his heart was pounding so hard he expected people to be able to see it. He leaned casually against the shelves behind him and crossed his ankles. He waited for James to stop in front of him. “I think it’s better for both of us if we split up now. This is not working anymore.”

For about a second, he respected James’ stoicism. His admiration dissipated as he began to lose his temper.
He doesn’t give a shit about me, about us!
As anger dissolved into sorrow, he did his best to not show anything.
Think like a shark, live like a shark, attack like a shark!
He repeated his old mantra mentally, to hold on for the time being. He needed it. He wouldn’t show James how hurt he was.

When James answered, his voice didn’t shake. “Okay, fine, if that is what you want. You’re right, it's easier that way.” He nodded once and stalked off, stiff as a poker, in the direction of the kitchen, probably to go upstairs.

Fuck…what did I do?

C
hapter 16 –
J
ames:
Seeking redemption

J
ames had never thought words could be so powerful. He had taken a lot of punches in his life but the few words David had uttered, so calmly, not the least bit of emotion showing, had hurt him more than anything in his life.

David couldn’t be such an insensitive man. He was usually the kind of man that you could read like an open book. James couldn’t breathe as he took the stairs two at a time. David, who would blush if you gave him a compliment. Who blushed if you’d kiss him. Who would blush when…well, at every moment really. But back there? In the bar? He had been so collected, determined and lucid. James whined inwardly.
No, I won’t lose it here. Not now.

He darted through the door of his flat, slamming it shut behind him without bothering to lock it. He was desperately trying to get some air into his lungs but it didn’t seem able to get past the gaping hole in his chest where his heart should be. He bent over, hands on his knees. He knew how it worked: Inhale… Exhale… In… Out… In… Out… The voice in his head wouldn’t shut up.
He left you, you worthless shit.
Damn it.
Breathe
.
Your heart is still there; let it pump blood round, bringing oxygen to your lungs.
He knew that was how it worked. He fell to his knees and brought his hands to the ground. He couldn’t let it happen.
Breathe
. Tears rolled down his cheeks.
Me? I’m not crying. I never do.
He shook his head. He was stronger than that. He tried to shake off the cloak of sorrow and grief that had enveloped him.
I am stronger than that! I can do it
. After several long minutes, he finally got some oxygen back into his lungs

What did he do to me?

He managed to get off the floor and stumbled over to his liquor cabinet. He poured himself a liberal measure of whiskey, downing it in one before pouring another one. He decided to take a cold shower to try to clear his mind. Surely it would do him wonders.

Water ran down his cheeks, James couldn’t say whether it was coming from his eyes or from the shower. He could only blame himself. It was entirely his fault. He hadn’t wanted to invest his time and his heart in this
relationship
. He knew, deep down, he was not the kind of man David deserved or needed and he recognized David’s bravery to realize it and push him away. But, God, it was hard to set David free. He had to admit the guy had balls, even if it felt like the man had gutted him. He was drowning in his sadness. He would never have guessed there was so much water in a body. He should compensate the loss of liquid. Whiskey would do.
Yeah definitely. Gallons of whiskey.

He got out of the shower, dried himself off sparsely and tossed the wet towel aside. He didn’t bother putting his clothes back on and trudged naked to the living room.

He stopped dead when he saw Bo standing in the living room, the bottle of Jack in his hand.
Oh f…

“What?” James snapped.

“D’ya have balls?” Bo asked, his face set.

“What?!” James repeated, frowning. He was lost. He had been discarded like a rotten burger and Bo was here, asking him if he had balls?!

“I dunno, man. I’ve always known ya ta ‘ave balls of steel but I gotta say, ya lackin’ some at da mo’.”

“Hey, I’m starkers! You want them, take them!” James pointed at his jewels as he shook his hips, making his generous endowment jiggle.

“Ha-ah! Very funny!” Bo being sarcastic wasn’t a good thing. “Try again but dis is me ya tawkin’ ta, dawlin’! Y’ad good fun lately, played with da new kid in da sandbox but now he’s all broken so ya’ll have to fix it.” Bo was frowning, hands on his hips, intimidating as hell.

“Shouldn’t you be comforting me instead of kicking me in the butt?!” James was beginning to get pissed off.

Bo raised his eyebrows. “Oh wait, dis is candid camera, rite? Ya kiddin’ me, man!”

James gave tit for tat. “Do I look like someone who would be filmed naked?”

“Yeah, if it was for da Cockyboys!”

“I don’t do porn…yet.” James’ tone was teasing, trying to appear casual.

“Don’t ya dare do dat now, petty boy!” Bo was almost shouting.
He looks pretty pissed off
, James thought. “I don’t dink ya boyfriend dere would like it much.”

“Oh, you must be mistaken, sir, I’ve got no boyfriend for the moment. Not since the last thirty minutes or so.”

Bo paced back and forth in front of James. The angrier he got, the more pronounced his accent became. “Yeah, and whaddaya dink led him ta do dat, dumbass? Ya gotta get ya sorry ass down dere and apologize. ‘Cause
ya
were da one ta avoid him in da first place. He’s all brokenhearted, the poor kid! And put some goddamn pants on ya ass, man!”

“You came in as I was in the shower. At your own risk!” James shrugged, not ashamed for a second. Bo plucked a fleece blanket from the sofa and tossed it to James who tilted his head but draped it over his hips anyway. “There, my virtue is safe and my putz covered. Happy?”

“Smart-ass,” Bo grumbled. He took a deep breath and looked intently at the ceiling, as if it was going to provide him answers. Apparently, it did.

“Okay, now stop it. Dis guy is da most beautiful din’ that’s happened to ya in decades. Stop messin’ dis up and go grovel. He’s nice, funny, smart and―as much as I can tell―he’s scorchin’ hawt, even if he’s a bit older than ya. He’s calm when ya impetuous, and he makes ya laugh.” Bo stopped speaking for a second, then hesitantly added, “Ya not ya father, Jay. Two very different people. D’ya know dat? ”

“Of course I know that…” James’ voice trailed off. The fierce look on Bo’s face didn’t suit him.
If a glance could kill…
”Well…it had occurred to me that…” He walked to the sofa and sunk down on it. Immediately, he sat back up and leaned his elbows on his knees as he cradled his head in his hands. “I’m gonna break him, Bo. If he takes me back and we carry on with this relationship, he’s gonna end up shattered.”

“So what? Better not risk anythin’ so ya won’t hurt or get hurt? One din’s f’sure, boy. Ya won’t find anyone more comprehensive than him. He’s more than open-minded and, to be honest, I didn’t dink he would take the situation as he did. Dink ‘bout it and put yaself in his shoes.” He waited for his words to sink in. “Now, go down dere and explain. Tell him everythin’, as ya would peel off a band-aid.”

James lifted up his head, stunned. “What the f…?! You want me to tell him
everything
? But he’ll go away even faster! Oh, now that’s a thought…” he said pensively.

“No, ya moron! Are ya doin’ dis on purpose? Ya go explain why ya afraid of hurtin’ him or I don’t know what, man! Hell, ya the gay one, not me, for fuck’s sake! Aren’t ya s’posed to know how ta talk about ya feelin’s?”

“Oh, come one, what’s with the stupid prejudice? Because I’m gay, I’m supposed to be
sensitive
?” He snarled, his fingers forming air quotes. “I’m a man, you jerk, no more a chick than you!”

They looked at each other and burst out laughing. They couldn’t stay mad at each other for more than five minutes. It was impossible. When their giggles slowed down, Bo grew serious again. “Jay, get dere while ya still can.” He made his way to the door and glanced at him one last time. “Well, I suggest ya get dressed before or ya won’t get past the door.”

“Why?”

“’Cause he’s gonna jump ya before ya can say ‘Bumblebee.’” He roared with laughter and let the door slam shut behind him.

James resumed his position on the sofa, his head in his hands.
What am I gonna do?

****

T
he sun had gone down before he finally made up his mind. Nervous as a virgin, James listened out for David’s footsteps in the stairwell. After all, he wasn’t prone to talk about his family or its history, let alone spill his guts. So, maybe, that was it.
I’m a virgin as far as family talk is concerned.

He had taken some time to get ready. His hair was perfect and he wore one of his favorite pants, a battledress with the number thirteen flocked on the butt. He was on edge and needed his lucky number.
Everything is gonna be fine. Breathe.

David had gotten under his skin; he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He couldn’t stop thinking about him, about his weight in his arms. About the weight of David’s love in his heart. His heart missed a beat when he heard David’s door slam. He moved down the stairs, knocking on David’s door without further hesitation.
No more bets, the die is cast.

David looked weary as he pushed open the door, dark circles under his eyes and his face taut. He sighed hard. “What now? You’ve forgotten your toothbrush?”

James raised his eyebrows. He had been ready for anything but this tired aggressiveness. “No,” he faltered. “I’m here to talk. There’s something you need to know.” He forced his way past him, entering the flat.
Easy Tiger, you’re not here to spook him.
He put the bottle of Jack he had brought with him on the kitchen’s counter.

“Yeah, make yourself at home.” James didn’t miss the bitter tone of David’s sarcastic remark.
Awesome, first Bo and now him! God bless sarcasm…

“Listen. I’ve got something to tell you, something hard. I need you to know it before you make your decision final.” James watched David from under his lashes, not sure how to behave. He was fidgeting, his muscles tight against the drumming of his fingers on his thighs. He needed to cool down a bit or he would never tell his story. He poured two glasses of scotch. They’d need it. Well, James would. Keeping his eyes cast on the floor, he began to talk.

“I know what led you to…tell me what you did. I’ve been…more than distant with you and…I’m sorry.” Anxiety burned his guts. The words were hard to get out. “But I owe you my story. If you allow me to tell it, just sit and let me talk. After that, if you still don’t want me anymore, then…I’ll let you at it. Will you let me explain?”

James’ question was met with silence. Lifting his head to see what David was doing, he panicked when he saw the man was no longer standing in front of him. He spun around so quick he thought he might faint. Relief washed over him when he saw David casually sitting on the sofa―his legs crossed at his ankles, his glass in hand and an arm draped over the back of the sofa. When he motioned to come over, James got closer reluctantly. He sat at the opposite end of the love seat.

He inhaled sharply and began to talk. He didn’t hide anything. His genitor, his mom, his baby sister, his father’s alcoholism and spectacular tantrums. Then his mom’s murder, his dad’s suicide in jail, the foster homes, Elliot, the Marines, all the one-night-stands and the lack of steady relationships. Hours later, when he was done, his voice was hoarse, his red-rimmed eyes suspiciously moist, and he was exhausted.

David blew his red nose in a paper handkerchief he found on the coffee table. There were several crumpled tissues on the sofa and coffee table and David’s cheeks were matching his nose’s color. James cleared his throat.

“Do you understand better why I have trust issues?” James put his hand on David’s, who hadn’t left his side since the first moment he had begun his confession. David looked him in the eyes, waiting for him to carry on. His intense gaze was hard to hold.

“Listen, I know I screwed up. It’s difficult for me, as I’m sure it is for you as well. You’re so beautiful―in and out―charming, funny, smart, subtle and brave.” James’ heart pounded in his chest. “You’ve left everything to start anew over here and even though I can’t imagine how it is for your kids to live there without you, I truly believe that you’re special. Maybe we can give it another try? Would you give me another chance?”

David halted his response, remaining still, until his shoulders relaxed. He lifted a hand to James’ face, stroking the stubble on his jaw as he passed a thumb over his lips. He leaned in to him and rubbed James’ nose with his own in an Inuit kiss. The gesture so tender, full of understanding and love, tears broke the dam of James’ puffy eyes. He couldn’t make himself close his eyes, afraid to lose the contact and disturb the magical moment. When a salted drop ran down his cheek, David caught it with the tip of his tongue. He kissed the skin under each of James’ eyes, taking away all sorrow and pain.

There was no past. There was no future. Only them, there, now. Each second becoming the past of their present. Each kiss blown away toward the past, etched into their common memories.

David took him in his arms, kissing him on the lips with all his love, nothing would have been able to stop them. They got up in unison and fumbled to the bedroom, latched onto each others bodies.