All For Anna (44 page)

I
waited there for him, making certain he was willing to see me. In record time, we
were standing face to face. I held out the box to him.

“This is for you,” I
said.

Perplexed, he took it
from my hands, opening the cardboard lid.

“Shoes?” he asked,
looking from them to me.

“Yes, my running shoes.
I’m done running, Kai. I’m done running from God, from life...from
you
.
I’m not going to Africa. I want
this
future, I want you,” I said, my voice
thick with emotion. “I love you, Kai.”

“Oh,
Pele
,” Kai
said, dropping the box and lifting me up off the ground hugging me tight.

We kissed, holding onto
each other with no intention of ever letting go. The men inside the station
went wild. Their whistling and clapping continued even after our kiss broke,
laughter escaped from us both.

I could not contain my
joy.

“I may share a piece of
your past,” Kai said as he dropped to his knee, “but
you
are the only
future I could ever want. Will you marry me, Tori?”

Without a single doubt,
I yelled my response for all to hear, “Yes! I’ll marry you, Kai!”

Kai rose, grabbing me
around the waist. Pulling me close to him, he kissed me again, this time with
renewed fervor and passion.

Our story may have begun in the midst of
heartache and loss, but our future would forever be rooted in hope and love.

Hand in hand we walked
up the grassy hill. Her grave was marked with fresh flowers and a bench seat
that had been cleared of all debris. We sat, Kai wrapping his arm around my
shoulders as I opened the letter.

I took a deep breath
before I began:

“Dear Anna,

I never
knew you, but there were many days it felt as if you were more alive inside of
me than I was. I used to dream of what your laugh would have sounded like, how
your eyes would have sparkled, how your hair would have looked in the sunshine.
There are many things I’ll never get to know about you, but even in your
absence you have managed to teach me. Your mom talked about your love for God,
your hope in Him, your salvation. I didn’t understand those things. I didn’t
think I could ever believe in Him that way—the way you did.

I tried
to be your savior, Anna, and I thought all this time that I had failed you. I
thought that I had contributed to your death, that I had taken your life away
from your family. But I realize now that I was never in control of that.

I did try
to save you. I wanted more than anything to see you alive, to feel your
heartbeat, to hear your breath. But I can no longer accept the blame for your
death.

The
forgiveness your mom offered me is the same forgiveness I must offer myself
every day that you’re not here. I’ve found faith, Anna—in your Savior. You
helped me find Him. You helped me know Him for the first time. Thank you for
that.

I will
never forget you.

Goodbye,
Anna.”

I wept into Kai’s arms
as he rocked me slowly, feeling the release I once never believed possible. My
letter turned to ashes in the wind as a tiny spark took it away in an instant.

Anna would always be a
part of me and I knew in some way I was a part of her, too.

The
End.

John 16:33 (NLT):

“Here on earth you will have
many trials and sorrows. But take heart! I have overcome
the
world."

Recovery.

A necessary evil.

Often it feels like a hike
that’s uphill both ways, in the snow, while wearing a swimsuit and no shoes.

Sound familiar? Whether you
need recovery for something you did to someone else, something done to you, or
something you are currently doing, recovery is hard and always painful.

Though Tori’s journey is
purely fictional, her recovery from shame and guilt is far from unique. I, too,
have battled with those issues as I have explored the depths of my addictions
and coping mechanisms.

Though my addiction was easy
to mask and hide from others—even those closest to me—my body and mind bore the
scars. Listening to the lies, believing them, and acting on them have a heavy
price to pay, but thankfully, it was a price that was already paid for me.

My need for a Savior came in
the midst of my recovery. Though I had claimed to know Christ all my life and
had grown up in a faith-based home, I had no idea the magnitude of my need
for
Him. It was in a dark pit of despair where He found me, a pit I was certain I
would never climb out of. I believed I was a lost cause. My addiction was a
weed, choking out all hope in the pit that surrounded me.

And then...I cried out.

It was not the cry of
countless years prior, the one that was full of empty promises which led me back
to my old ways. Instead, it was a cry that marked my desperation; I could not
go on without Him.

That is where my Savior
found me.

That is where my Savior won
me back to Him.

Often people think
recovery
is a journey of self-reflection and healing. With that being true, it is also
about others: those we have wronged, those we have hurt, and those we have lied
to and manipulated in order to keep our masks on tight.

Without the process of
“making amends” just like Tori did in this story, recovery is only surface deep.
God desires our heart—our whole stinkin’, rotten, black-as-night heart.

And then, only then, change
can happen.

Isolation is the
enemy
of recovery. I continue to learn this lesson over and over. Every time I
thought I could handle it on my own, I was knocked down. Truth finally took
root in my heart once I became vulnerable enough to be held accountable by
those who loved me. Re-learning how to think, how to deal, how to live, is
difficult, but sharing with others can lighten that load tremendously.

I am not fixed, but I am far
from the pit that once consumed me in darkness.

If you are in the pit, it is
not too late for you. You are not too far from God’s reach, or too far from His
redemption.

There is hope for you.

Cry out. Your Savior awaits.

Psalm 103:2-4 (NIV)

Praise the Lord O my soul,
and forget not all His benefits. Who forgives all your sins and heals all your
diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, and crowns you with love and
compassion.

Special
Thanks:

God:
Your
relentless pursuit of me, your unfathomable grace, your endless forgiveness,
your all-consuming passion, your boundless love, your unreachable depths, your
constant faithfulness.

Without You I am nothing.

Husband:
You
are a rare gift, Tim Deese. Your love for me is a reflection of your heart for
Him. You have pursued me, you have fought for me, and you have won my heart for
all of eternity. It is yours and you are mine. Thank you for letting me stay up
until the wee hours of the morning to write. Thank you for pretending not to
notice when I stole your energy drinks in order to stay up, and for your
forgiveness when you did notice! Ha! Thank you for believing I was great before
I ever typed a word. Your support was the anchor I needed…as it always is. I
love you.

My Boys:
Preston
(7) and Lincoln (4). Though you were often sound asleep while I typed, there
were plenty of times that my story was a distraction in our day to day lives.
Your patience has not gone unnoticed. God has blessed me with two smart,
independent, loving, sensitive, active and overall
amazing
boys. I am
more grateful for you with each passing day. I love you both to infinity and
beyond.

Family:
My
life is made up of many wonderful people and so many of those I’m privileged to
claim as my family (whether by blood or by marriage). I wish I could list you
all by name.

I love each one of you so
very much!

Dad and Mom:
Thank
you to my amazing parents who read my
entire
manuscript aloud to each
other despite my utter disapproval and humiliation...haha! Thank you for
showing me how to love and how to be loved. I am blessed to be your daughter.

Aimee Thomas:
Thank
you for thinking our “reading parties” are cool—even when other people may find
them weird. You are an endless supply of passion and dreams; you are an
inspiration.

I love you, sister.

Ashley Brahms:
Thank
you for reading my original “sloppy-copy” and for loving it just the same. Your
many phone calls and texts over this last year have reminded me that
home
is relevant only to love, not location. I love you, sister.

Friends:
Without
your love, support and continual encouragement, this book would have ended
around chapter five. I am SO blessed for the diverse friendships God has given
me. To all my friends in the Pacific Northwest…all the way over to my friends
on the East Coast (and especially to all my cyber friends!), please accept my
deepest, most heartfelt
thank you
. You have enriched my life.

Kacy Koffa:
You
are a tangible representation of faithfulness in my life. Our friendship has
withstood the trials of many seasons, yet our bond continues to strengthen with
time. I am undeserving of such loyalty and devotion. I love you.

Kim Southwick:
You
are the older sister I never had, the bosom buddy I always wanted, and the
other half I never knew was missing…until you found me. Your friendship is
matchless. I love you.

Lara Brahms:
You
are my little ray of sunshine. Thank you for the countless hours you have spent
in “fiction land” with me and for pretending it was
totally
normal
.
Thank you for reminding me to laugh—a lot. I love you. 

Nicki Davis:
Let
us never underestimate the bond that can form over purses and books! I value
our many forms of techy-communication in a day. I love you friend.

Rebekah Zollman:
Your
friendship has been such a sweet answer to prayer this year. Your honesty,
empathy, and love continue to challenge me to be a better wife, mom and friend.
I love you.

Renee Deese:
I
find it quite funny that you can fit under all three categories: family, friend
and
editor
. Words cannot express how grateful I am for you little
sister. Your “Renee-ness” has blessed me beyond measure. Thank you for the MANY
hours you have poured into my manuscript, for your opinions, and for your
constant affirmation. You are a rare gem; I treasure you greatly.
I love you.

Beta Readers:
Many,
many thanks to all my beta readers. You inspire me to write from my heart. I
love each of you: Ashley Brahms, Aimee Thomas, Bill Deese, Bethany Deese, Cara
Dyson, Helen Deese, Irina Owens, Kacy Koffa, Katie Karin, Kim Southwick, Lara
Brahms, Meredith Hall, Nicki Davis, Rebekah Zollman, Renee Deese.

Community Girls:
Irina
Owens and Katie Karin. Thanks you for your prayers, your love, and your
encouragement. My life has been fuller because you are in it. 

Cover Design: 
Thank
you Sarah Hanson at Okay

Creations! You are
brilliant. I am in love with your work!

Check out:
http://www.okaycreations.com.

Georgia Varozza:
Your
words changed my life. I cannot thank you enough for your time, your critique,
and your
belief
in me.
I am forever in your debt.

Regeneration Ministries:
I
found my “voice” during ReGen. Thank you Watermark Community Church for
providing such an amazing recovery ministry…my heart and life will never be the
same.