Baby on the Way (13 page)

Olivia assumed the lotus position, grinned and popped anther chip into her mouth. “The only time I ever saw him notice a woman was last week at
church. He couldn’t take his eyes off Maryann MacGregor.”

“Exactly. He wants to ask her out, but he’s a little bit shy.” Caitlin shifted, knowing that to mention the subject was to elicit unasked-for advice.

“If I remember correctly, his mother had rather a rough time raising all those boys after their father left,” Eliza murmured, staring out the window at the waning sun. “It’s too bad someone didn’t take him in hand long ago.”

“So, you’re not interested in Clay.” Natasha took another sip of her soda, lips pursed, eyes narrowed as she shifted fractionally on the sofa. “Who then?”

“Natasha!”

With one accord, the other Andrews women raised their eyebrows and rolled their eyes upward in exasperation. It was a trait they seemed to share with tacit agreement and to Caitlin those eye movements were more expressive than any words they could have uttered.

“Uh, you see, well,” Caitlin swallowed, searching for the right words. “I’m not really looking for a, um, a man. It’s not part of the plan. Not now I mean. That is, I haven’t had time to think about it. Not with the baby and everything.”

“You’re so young, you don’t want to spend your life alone, honey,” Eliza said. “You need someone to share your life with, someone to laugh with, have fun with, grow old with. Someone you can give your heart to.”

“I don’t know anyone like that.”

It was a lie and they knew it as well as she. If she’d learned anything these past weeks it was that Jordan was all of those things. He didn’t mind when she was grumpy or angry, or when she lashed out at him. He took it all in stride and, in fact, encouraged her to express herself more often.

Jordan was comfortable, fun, and yet oddly exciting. She got the same rush out of seeing him come through the door that she’d gotten all those years ago when he’d dropped in at Aunt Lucy’s to pick her up for youth group.

Was the reason she didn’t want to talk about love because thinking about Jordan in that light made her feel guilty? Had she buried her feelings for the older brother when Michael came along, hoping that Michael could make her feel more secure, more in control? Or had she been so hurt by Jordan’s obvious insensitivity to her schoolgirl crush, that she’d turned to Michael to pay Jordan back?

Maybe she hadn’t been the best wife for Michael. Maybe she’d let herself fall in love with being married instead of being the kind of wife Michael had needed. Had Michael guessed that she’d only gone out with him that first time because she wanted to see Jordan?

Oh, where did all these questions come from? And why now, when it was too late to ask Michael if she’d disappointed him, if he’d known she’d once been in love with his brother? If he’d thought she was using him to get to Jordan?

“Are you planning on going to the fellowship supper next week at church?” Natasha asked.

“Jordan’s taking me. He said I needed to get out of the house.”

“That’s nice.” Eliza took Eudora from Robyn and put the little girl on her knee. “You know, Caitlin, I was looking at some old photos last night. Your wedding picture, actually. I know it wasn’t that long ago, but you looked so young. You’ve grown up a lot since then, haven’t you?”

“I like to think so.” Caitlin closed her eyes to stop the tears that came as she remembered that silly, scared little girl. Had she really changed at all?

“I think you’ve changed a lot.” Olivia looked up from her cross-stitch. “Michael used to say that you were his stabilizer, that you anchored him.”

“Not well enough, otherwise he’d never have been driving so wildly.” Caitlin felt she had to say it, they were all thinking it anyway.

“Caitlin. That didn’t have anything to do with you! You couldn’t have stopped him and you know it. Anyway, Michael was God’s child. You couldn’t have changed God’s time no matter what you did.” Eliza moved to wrap one arm around Caitlin. “Michael loved you, my dear girl. He thought the sun, moon and stars rolled around your head.”

“He would be glad to know you’re getting on with your life,” Robyn agreed. “Michael loved life too much to want anyone not to live it.”

“But I was so stupid. I was so scared that he’d leave me that I hung on too tightly. I’m sure he got
tired of that.” A lump rose in her throat that she couldn’t swallow down. “Maybe I’m bad luck or something, I don’t know. But everyone I love seems to leave.”

“Caitlin Andrews you stop that right now!” Eliza stood up, tall and strong, her voice loving but firm. “Our God does not deal in luck!

“Yes, you’ve had a tragic life. But honey, don’t let yourself become some kind of a tragic hero. You and Michael loved each other. And God blessed your marriage with Junior here.” Eliza patted Caitlin’s stomach.

“Open your eyes and look around you. God has given you people who care about you. We do.”

The girls’ heads nodded in exuberant agreement.

“So does Jordan, and your friends here at Wintergreen. We’re your family and we’re not going anywhere. So let’s get on with life and move into the promised land. Okay?” Eliza brushed one hand in a tender caress across Caitlin’s cheek.

“Okay. I’ll try not to dwell in the desert anymore, Eliza.” Caitlin smiled, grateful that these woman cared enough to stay with her, challenge her.

“And you promise you’ll keep your eyes peeled for the wonderful things God is going to do in your life, the wonderful people He sends? You won’t shut them out?”

“I promise.”

“Promise what? What’s going on here? Good grief! You all look as though you’ve been peeling
onions.” Jordan, tall, bossy and impossibly dear, stood in the doorway, frowning at all of them.

“Well? Are we going out for dinner or not?”

Caitlin glanced at Robyn, who raised her eyebrows at her sisters, but it was Eliza who finally burst into laughter. They all rose, searching for gloves and coats and purses.

“Yes, son, you’re going out for dinner. And Caitlin’s going with you. But Robyn and I have to get home. And Olivia’s got a date with her hubby. Natasha, now…” Her voice trailed away. “I have to think about Natasha,” they heard her murmur as she tugged on her boots, buttoned her coat and hurried out the door without even saying goodbye. “There must be someone for her.”

Natasha grimaced, her face sour as she pretended to slug Jordan on the shoulder. “Thanks a lot, Jordy,” she grumbled, her face fiery red. “Now she’ll start in on me and heaven knows who she’ll drag home! Last month she set up a blind date. A blind date!” She shook her head dismally. “He was as mortified as I was.”

“This is my fault?” Jordan looked completely stumped.

“Yes! You’re my big brother. You’re supposed to protect me.” Natasha’s forehead suddenly cleared. “By the way, Caitlin wants to go to Chez Lee. She’s simply dying to try their lobster. I told her you wouldn’t mind taking her. After all, it is Saturday and you’re allowed to stay out late.”

Natasha scurried past to the door, her scarf trailing
behind. “Bye, Caitlin. Don’t let him bully you. And make him pay. Big time!”

“What did I do to her?”

“Years of bossiness, Brother dear. Now it’s pay-back time.” Robyn patted his arm, her eyes glowing with mischief. “But Caitlin really does want lobster. And onion rings. I don’t know why. Ask her.” She kissed Caitlin, grabbed her bundled-up daughter and headed out the door.

“I’ve got to go, too,” Olivia murmured, tugging on her gloves. She hugged Caitlin close and then fixed her with a stern look. “No desert. Okay?”

Caitlin nodded, smiling as the last sister left.

“No desert? Doesn’t she mean dessert? And why not?” Jordan’s eyes worked open and closed as he tried to reason out the strange tableau.

“I’ve got to give you credit, Andrews,” Caitlin giggled as she picked up the cups. “You sure know how to clear a room.”

“And I wasn’t even trying to get them to leave,” he marveled. “I wish I knew what I did so I could do it again next time.”

Caitlin burst out laughing, happier than she could remember being in months.

He followed her through to the kitchen, his hands full of used napkins and empty chip containers. “So where shall we go for dinner? We haven’t got a reservation for Chez Lee’s so that’s out. But otherwise, take your pick.”

He lifted the crystal bowl out of her hand and set in on the shelf she’d been stretching to reach. As his
hands came down, one brushed the length of her hair, lightly fingering the russet curls, while the other rested on her shoulder.

For a moment, just one small unit of time, Caitlin relaxed against his massaging fingers as they manipulated the taut cord across her shoulder.

“You okay?” His gold eyes searched hers as he eased her into a chair. “No backache?”

“A little.” She sat there, her head resting against his side, allowing the tiny thrill of joy to trickle from his fingertips to her heart.

“You’re tired. I knew you shouldn’t have asked Clay over again last night. It’s bizarre, this coaching him in endearments.” But his voice was soft and indulgent.

“No, it’s not. He really cares for her, Jordan. I can’t turn my back on that.” She sighed when his fingers moved onto her scalp, easing the bands of pressure that clung there.

“Do you want me to make something? I know you’re too tired to go out. I promise I’ll sterilize everything when I’m finished. You’ll never know I’ve been here.”

Jordan loved cooking almost as much as he hated cleaning up. And yet he was willing to do that for her, too. The small sacrifice brought a smile to her lips.

“I don’t think so. But thanks anyway. I’m just not in the mood for anything that’s here, in spite of your efforts to bring the entire store home. And we can have lobster another time.”

“I’m almost afraid to ask.” He sat down in the chair opposite her, his hands gently caressing hers as he spoke. “What are you in the mood for, Caitlin?”

He was so dear, sitting here like this, holding her. Would it be so wrong to love him? To let a tiny piece of her heart thaw enough to pour it out on Michael’s brother.

“Caitlin?”

“Hmm?”

“What’ll it be?”

“Chicken, I think. Strips. Golden crisp and steaming, with hot mustard sauce to dip them in, and some coleslaw on the side. And lemonade.” She closed her eyes, dreaming of it all, and opened them again when she heard his snort of laughter.

“You’re kidding, right? Coleslaw? Hot mustard sauce? Lemonade?” His eyes sparkled with laughter, his mouth creased in that teasing grin. “With your stomach? You’ll need antacids all night long!”

Caitlin pretended to bristle. “Just because you don’t like chicken is no reason I shouldn’t enjoy it. I’ll call the delivery people.” She yanked her hands away from his and stood too quickly, causing the blood to rush to her feet. Caitlin wavered for a moment, then grabbed at the table.

“Are you all right?” His arm came around her shoulders and he helped her walk from the kitchen to the living room, easing her onto the sofa. “There. Put your feet up and watch the television for a while. I’ll be back shortly.” His eyes glinted with laughter.
“But I’m warning you, the time will come when you won’t be able to con me anymore.”

Caitlin thrust her nose in the air and sniffed derisively. “As if I’d bother. I’m not helpless, you know,” she sputtered, struggling to free herself from the soft cushy comfort of furniture that seemed intent on swallowing her up.

“Close enough.” He grinned as she subsided with a sigh, then pressed a kiss to the top of her head and just managed to dodge the pillow she chucked at him. “And don’t move or I’ll give the chicken to someone else. See you in a bit.”

“When I sell this sofa and get something I can get in and out of, you’re going to be sorry.” She shifted again, then sighed in resignation. “Threats,” she called as he walked out of the apartment. “That’s what you always use.”

“That’s because they work,” he called back.

As usual Jordan got the last word in.

He was so easy, so much fun, so comfortable to be around. It couldn’t be wrong to love a man like that?

Could it?

“I
take it that waiting a week to get here was worthwhile?” Jordan escorted her out of the posh restaurant, a smile tugging at his mouth. “Chez Lee lived up to your expectations?”

Caitlin smiled as she grasped his helping hand and eased herself into his car. “It was excellent. I don’t know when I’ve enjoyed myself more. Thank you, Jordan.”

He didn’t answer her until he was inside the car beside her and had eased the vehicle into traffic.

“You’re welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I was a little worried about you there for a minute,” he joked, his eyes sparkling. “The waiter couldn’t do enough. I’m sure he personally inspected every mouthful you ate. But when the maitre d’ started hovering, with the dessert tray in his hands, I wondered if we shouldn’t ask for some carryout.”

Caitlin pursed her lips, considering the idea. “Hey,
you should have suggested it.” Then she shook her head. “No, better not. But I find I get that a lot lately. I call it the kid-glove treatment. There’s a real advantage to being pregnant, you know.”

Jordan nodded his agreement. His mouth opened, then closed, as if he thought better of his reply. Instead, he turned on the CD player and tapped one forefinger against the wheel in tune to a concerto.

It only took a few minutes, then they were pulling up in front of Wintergreen. Caitlin waited for Jordan’s assistance. Once out of the car, she wrapped her arm in his as they walked up the driveway.

“You look very pleased with yourself.” He opened the door, waited for her to go in, then closed it, watching her curiously.

Caitlin grinned as she unlocked her apartment. She pushed open the door. “I feel wonderful,” she enthused. “Spoiled and pampered and utterly coddled.”

He grinned. “Wonderful is one of your favorite words tonight, it seems.” His golden eyes sparkled with fun. “Well, it was a wonderful evening!”

“Don’t hold back Jordan. Forget modesty and humility. Tell me how you really feel,” Caitlin teased in return, brushing her knuckles across his lean cheek.

It was meant to be funny, but the tension in the room suddenly increased tenfold when he caught her fingers and pressed them to his mouth.

“All right, I will.” The words were soft. In the glow of the single lamp she could see only shadows as they moved across his face. His eyes were darkgold,
molten, burning her in their intensity. He set her boots aside but stayed kneeling there.

“I’m in love with you, Lyn. I have been for a long time. I want to marry you.” He lifted his hand up into the light, snapping open the lid of a black velvet box.

Caitlin gasped at the glittering magnificence that sparkled out at her. It was an exquisite diamond, pearshaped and perched atop a wide gold band. Slowly she tore her eyes from it to the man who knelt in front of her.

“M-marry you?”

“Yes. I want to be able to come home to you every night, to stay here with you, instead of lying at home, alone, wondering if you’re all right, if you need me. I want to be here for you and the baby. I want us to live and love and laugh together until the end. I love you, Lyn.”

It sounded great, wonderful, inviting. It was the kind of fairy-tale life she had always wanted and never found.

It was too good to be true.

“Jordan, I don’t know what to say.”

“Yes would be nice.” He smiled that silly, crooked smile that tugged at her heartstrings. “Maybe would be almost acceptable.” He stopped when the tears began. “Don’t Caitlin. Don’t cry. Please?”

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You’ve been marvelous, Jordan. So good to me when I was so cranky. And I’ve appreciated it more than you know. I don’t know how I would have managed without you and your family here.”

“But?” He leaned back on his haunches, hands falling to his side, the ring lying in her lap. “There is a but, isn’t there?”

“I can’t marry you, Jordan.” Dear Lord it hurt to say that, to see the flash of anguish cross his eyes.

“Why?”

She heard the anger in that single word and hated herself for causing him pain.

“It wouldn’t be right.”

“Are you nuts?” He grinned, throwing his arms wide. “It would be fantastic. I love you. I want to marry you. I want us to live together as husband and wife.”

“I’m Michael’s wife.” The words came out cold and harsh, bursting his exuberant bubble.

His eyes narrowed, lips stretched tight and thin.

“Were! You
were
Michael’s wife. He’s gone, Lyn. But I’m here, alive. And I’m still in love with you.”

“Still?” What was he saying? Caitlin didn’t know where to look or what to say. She hated to cause the hurt in his eyes and yet she simply couldn’t marry him. Not with fear clinging to her like yesterday’s news.

“I’ve loved you for years.” His hands closed around her face, his palms firm against her cheeks as he forced her to look at him. “I loved you in high school, Caitlin.”

“But you…” She avoided the yearning she saw hidden behind the playful banter and teasing familiarity. She couldn’t let herself feel that.

“Look at me, Caitlin.” His hands tenderly forced
her chin up, coaxing her to see what she wanted to have and didn’t dare take.

“I loved you. But I was boring, wrapped up in my computers. I wasn’t the kind of boyfriend you needed. Michael was young and vibrant. You needed someone like him, someone who wasn’t dull and staid and too old for you. Someone who would help you to branch out, live a little.”

“That’s why you dumped me? To give Michael a chance?”

He nodded. “Yes. But also to give you a chance. I was older than you, Lyn. Sure you were brainy and two years ahead of your peers, but you needed that two years to mature. I wanted you to have that time, to sample life, go out with kids who’d have your interests.” He grimaced. “Computer nerds aren’t much fun.”

She heard it all. Every word sank into her brain. But she couldn’t believe she hadn’t figured it out. Caitlin picked up the ring case and turned it round and round, then set it on the coffee table.

“And you didn’t think you owed it to me to tell me?” Indignation reared its head. “You didn’t think I had enough brains and common sense to tell you whom I preferred?”

“It was pretty obvious, wasn’t it?” Jordan’s damning words cut her protests short. “You started going out with him two days after I told you I couldn’t see you anymore.”

“Do you know why?” Caitlin resisted the temptation to touch him.

“I went out with Michael so I could see you. That’s why. I thought seeing you like that was better than nothing. So yes, I went out with him, I went to the football games with him, I came over for dinner as often as I could. I let myself be included in your family because I couldn’t pull away.”

For once in his life Jordan Andrews appeared to have nothing to say.

“Eventually you went away to college and Michael and I were chumming around more and more. When we graduated, we chose the same college, took some of the same classes. We even rode home together at vacation.”

“And eventually you fell in love. Right?” Hurt shimmered in Jordan’s golden gaze. His hands clenched in his lap, belying the smile on his face. “I knew it would happen.”

“It didn’t happen right away. It sort of grew on us. Michael was all the things I wasn’t and, I admit, I liked that. He wasn’t afraid of anything. Life was like a big game to him and he was determined not to miss a thing.”

She fell into a reverie, thinking about the many heated disagreements they’d had over his carefree attitude. How many times had she chided him for skipping an afternoon of work in order to fly a kite in the park or drive to the beach for a swim? How many times had he coaxed her away from her post-grad studies to go to a party or plan tennis or anything else that took his fancy?

“Caitlin, Michael is gone.”

“Do you think I don’t know that?” Caitlin slowly got up, stepped past him and walked to the window, staring out at the cold, black night. “It was my fault he died. Mine.”

“It wasn’t! He drove too fast under conditions that were not suitable. He took my car and even I know it was an accident.” He stood behind her, not touching her.

As she stood there, Caitlin could feel the heat from his body, the sizzle that flickered between their minds every time Jordan came into the room. It had been the same back then.

“The night before he died we had an argument. Michael was angry at me, very angry. He said I was trying to hide from life.”

She drew in a deep breath and turned to face Jordan.

“Michael asked me if I’d married him so I could live vicariously through him. He asked me if I didn’t think I’d have been better off with you. Safer.”

She could hear him suck in his breath and winced at the suffering she’d caused. But she couldn’t stop now. She wouldn’t.

“I told him I loved him. I told him I only wanted to be married to him. To be his wife. I promised I’d never be a drag on him again. I was so scared he’d leave, I would have promised him anything. Anyway, he said he forgave me. The next day he borrowed your car. The police say he was driving too fast for conditions.”

“And you think that he took some extra risks just
to prove that he could handle things?” Jordan shook his head. “It isn’t true, Lyn. Michael had been driving that way for years. Dad used to lecture him on it, but Michael always laughed it off—said he knew what he was doing.”

Caitlin shivered as the icy cold draft from the window washed over her. She’d have to get new storm windows, she decided absently.

“That doesn’t matter. The point is, if he hadn’t felt he had to prove that he could take risks and survive, I don’t think he would have gone. My husband may have gone to his death believing I never loved him. That’s what nags at me.” She swallowed down her tears and turned to face him. “There could never be anything between us, Jordan. It would be like betraying Michael’s trust in me. I told him I loved him.”

She wondered about that now, wondered if she’d really loved him the way she should have.

“Lyn, you were always faithful to Michael. You loved him the best you knew. You were his wife. You didn’t betray him by urging caution.”

“How can you be so sure?” Caitlin jerked her head up to glare at him. “How can you know that? I don’t.”

“But—”

“Every day I ask myself if I supported him the way he needed. Did I tell him that I loved him when I should have? Did he
believe
that I only wanted him, that there wasn’t anybody else for me by then? Was I telling the truth?” She shook her head.

“I can’t be sure, Jordan. I can’t be sure. And I can’t
help wondering if that’s why God took him, because I didn’t measure up.”

There, it was said. The whole terrible awful truth. Let Jordan see how ugly her soul really was.

She wasn’t surprised when Jordan didn’t say anything.

“I thank you for your kindness and your friendship, Jordan. And I appreciate your help more than I can say. But friendship is all I can ever share with you.”

“Like friendship is all you share with Clay and Garrett and all the others?”

She heard the frustration in his voice and felt bad for it. But there was nothing she could do about it. There was no way he could ever make her believe that Michael’s death hadn’t been a punishment for her failures as a wife.

“Clay and Gar are friends. And, thanks to you, I’m learning that I need friends in my life. But the past, the things that have happened to me, have made me who I am. I can’t ignore them, Jordan.”

She knew he wanted to say something, that he was about to tell her off. But his pager beeped and would not be ignored. Minutes later, as if through a fog, Caitlin heard him agree to fly to Minneapolis.”

“Caitlin?”

She faced him.

“I have to go. A very important client has just lost his entire system to a virus. I’ve got to see what I can do to help.”

“Of course.” She forced a smile. “Go. Save the hard drive or whatever it is.”

“I will.” He nodded. “But first I need to say something. Will you come and sit down?”

She allowed him to press her into a chair and stayed there when he squatted in front of her. She even met his gaze when his hands closed around hers and little jolts of electricity shot up her arm.

“Listen to me, Lyn. I haven’t got much time.”

“I’m listening.”

“I loved my brother. So did you. You were his wife and you did everything right. I know it, and I think deep down, you do too. Michael knew you loved him. I don’t believe he ever doubted it. Nor should you. You were the best possible wife a man could ask for.”

She smiled blankly. They were just words. He had to say them. What else could he say?

“But that was the past. I’m here now, Caitlin. Me. Jordan. And I love you here and now. There is nothing you could tell me, nothing you could say, that would change that love. And whether you believe in it or not doesn’t change the fact that I love you. I always will.”

He grinned that irrepressible grin. One hand pushed a swath of hair back off her forehead. With his forefinger he traced the lines of her eyebrows, her nose, the curve of her mouth and the stubborn tilt of her chin.

“You see, sweetheart, it’s kind of like God’s love for us. Whether we see Him or not, believe in Him
or not, trust in Him or not, His love stays. Permanently. And there is nothing we can do to change that.”

He stood then, sighed and moved away. One hand snagged his jacket and he flung it on. “It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to trust in me. It doesn’t matter when you call or what you ask of me, I’ll always be there for you. Always. After all this time, my love isn’t going to go away. It’s going to grow and grow and grow. And whenever you’re ready, I’ll be waiting. Okay?”

When he didn’t move or look away she finally nodded.

“There’s just one more thing, Lyn. Though I’d like to, I can’t be here all the time. So if you need help or assurance or just someone to calm the fear, you pray and ask God for help. He’ll be there. And He’ll answer. You just have to ask.”

“Goodbye, Jordan.” Tears formed at the ends of her lashes, big, fat tears that she couldn’t control. “Thank you for everything you’ve done. Be safe.”