Baby on the Way (16 page)

C
aitlin allowed Eliza to lift the sleeping ten-day-old baby out of her arms. She smiled at the soft looks that covered the dear faces that had gathered around to welcome them back to Wintergreen. Maryann with her daughter Amy, Beth and Veronica, Clay, Garrett, Eliza and Stan, the girls and Jordan.

But when her gaze came to the baby, her gaze stopped there, her heart pounding at the love that swelled within. She was so tiny, so delicate, such a miracle. And her own mother hadn’t been awake to witness her arrival.

She clenched her teeth, holding the smile in place with difficulty.

“She’s such a darling, Caitlin. I can’t believe she’s finally here!” Robyn brushed a finger over the soft bloom of the baby’s cheek. “And so big! It’s a good thing you didn’t have to push her out, Caitlin.”

Caitlin smiled. “Yes, isn’t it just?” She refused to
look at Jordan where he stood, leaning against the doorjamb of the living room.

“Are you feeling all right?” Olivia fluttered around her, bringing a pillow and a cover to make her more comfortable. “Is the incision still bothering you?”

“Not as much. It’s been a while now and I’m feeling much better. It’s nice to be home.” That was a lie. She felt worse than she had in months, but it would pass. Anyway, what did it matter now that Micah was here?

“That’s good. Well, come on everyone. Let’s leave the little mother to rest, now that the baby’s asleep.”

They filed out, one after the other, pressing a kiss to her cheek before they left.

“Thanks for coming. I appreciate everything you’ve done.” Caitlin smiled until they left, then sagged into her chair, relieved that she didn’t have to pretend anymore.

“You’re in pain. Here.” Jordan handed her a white tablet and glass of water. “You can keep on ignoring me all you like, Lyn, but I’m not going anywhere. I promised.”

“For the tenth time, I’m releasing you from that promise. I should never have asked it of you.”

“I didn’t make the promise to you, I made it to Micah right after she was born. And I’m not taking it back. Not ever. You can be as angry as you want, Caitlin, but I’d do the same thing again tomorrow.”

She watched as he set the tumbler and pill down on the table and ensconced himself in her armchair.
The anger, all the frustration welled up inside and she couldn’t control the bitter words that poured out.

“I know, Jordan. And believe me, I’m grateful. That’s what makes it so awful. It’s just…” She gulped down the tears that clogged her throat. “I wanted to deliver Micah myself.”

He got up, crossed the room and squatted at her feet. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I know you’re unhappy that you weren’t awake when she was born. It doesn’t mean anything, though. God still gave you a healthy little girl. She came through with flying colors. And you’re getting better by the day. Can’t you be happy about that?”

His hands closed around hers, warm and comforting and Caitlin felt overwhelmed with guilt. Why did she continue to harangue him when she knew it had to be that way?

That question was closely followed by a harder one.

Why did it always have to be that way? Why couldn’t anything go according to the way she planned?

“You trusted Him, just a little, and He came through for you. Micah is the richest blessing He could have given you.”

“I know.” She kept her head bent, trying to ignore the wash of feelings that flowed through her every time she saw Jordan hold her daughter. “And I love her. She’s so beautiful. She’s so fragile! I’m just a little emotional lately.”

He was as tender as any father could be, quieting
her cries, singing her songs, even changing her diaper. His love for the baby shone through in everything he did, including the small kindnesses he showered on her mother.

“I haven’t thanked you for the flowers yet,” she murmured, with a glance at the gorgeous red roses that overflowed her crystal vase. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes, I did.” He grinned, seating himself carefully on the cushions beside her. “I love you. And I’m proud of you. God has blessed me with the two most beautiful women in the world and I just had to share the joy.” He pressed a kiss against her forehead.

“Look at that little miracle and tell me you’re glad you had that operation. Caitlin. Please? There wasn’t anything else we could have done.”

The doctor had said the same thing the day she’d left the hospital. And Micah was a delight. Maybe it was time to let go of her anger, to give him a chance. After all, he’d stuck with her through everything. She’d been so ungrateful and he’d done so much. Why did she have to hide her feelings?

“I don’t like being railroaded, Jordan. If you’re going to stay in our lives, you have to stop being so pushy. I told you I didn’t want milk and yet you still keep pouring me a glass. Those kinds of things do not make you likable.” She smiled to show she was teasing.

“I’m already likable,” he quipped, pressing a quick kiss to her lips. “It’s just taking you longer to see it.”

She pinched his arm.

“All right!” He held up both hands. “If you don’t want milk, fine. No big deal. How do you feel about pudding?”

“Jordan!” Caitlin glared at him, but was unable to stop the corner of her mouth from turning up at his obvious caring. But then, that was the problem.

Jordan cared for her. In fact, he loved her. He’d told her far too many times for her to ignore it anymore. And Caitlin didn’t know what to do about it. Here she was, mother to his brother’s child, and he was acting as if he were the father. The whole situation was so confusing.

What do I feel? she asked herself for the twentieth time. What do I really feel deep down inside?

The answer wasn’t easy, of course. Frustration and excitement, anger and thanksgiving, tiredness and exhilaration, pain and pleasure, happy yet sad. Everything. And nothing.

It was all mixed-up, confused. But she had Micah. That made up for all of it.

Did that mean God had answered her prayers? Or was this some sort of test?

“You’re very beautiful, did you know that?” Jordan trailed a finger down the length of her nose. “Your skin glows and you look positively radiant.”

“I look like I just gave birth to an eight-pound baby girl,” Caitlin snorted. “And you can’t keep changing the subject. You have to stop hovering, Jordan. We’re fine.”

“I know.” He smiled tenderly. “But I like hovering,
as you call it. Especially when it’s over my two favorite women. So, now that the baby’s here, can we talk about getting married?”

Caitlin gulped.

“I know you’re tired and there are a hundred things going through your mind. My sister explained ad nauseam about hormones.” He made a face, his mouth tipping downward in disgust.

“She did? Robyn?” Caitlin frowned at his nod. “What did she say?”

“Oh, a bunch of stuff about women who had Csections feeling guilty because they didn’t have a normal delivery. I told her she was crazy.” He reached out and touched the baby’s arm. “As if there’s anything to feel guilty about. This little girl is a miracle.”

“Yes, I’m beginning to realize that.” Caitlin stared at the child who had come from her body. The thought of it stunned her. The perfectly shaped lips, the elegantly long fingers, the deep blue eyes. Micah was a miracle. And Jordan had helped get her here. She peered at him through her lashes.

“The thing is, I don’t want to waste that miracle. I love you, Lyn. I want to marry you and take care of you and Micah. Couldn’t we at least plan a date?”

She forced her attention away from him to stare at her fingers.

“Jordan, I’ve told you. I don’t think I can marry you. Not now.”
Maybe not ever,
she added silently.

“Sure you can. Doesn’t have to be a big wedding, though I’d like to show you off to everyone. We could have the ceremony right here, if you want.”
His eyes shone down on her expectantly. “What do you say?”

“Jordan, I, uh, that is…the truth is, I’m not sure. I mean, everything seems so unreal to me. Everything is moving so fast. I just became a mother and now you’re asking me to marry you. It’s impossible to deal with!”

“Why?” His eyes narrowed, their golden lights piercing. “Are you going to say you don’t love me? Because you do, Lyn. I’ve seen it in your eyes.” His voice was so fervent she half wondered if he wasn’t trying to convince himself.

“You’ve been really wonderful to us, coming round day after day, helping with the baby, taking care of things. And I appreciate it, Jordan. But…” Her voice trailed away as she searched for the words to express her confused feelings.

“You love me. You can’t deny it. It’s been there for a long time now. It’s time you admit it, Lyn.”

“I do like you, Jordan.”

“Love,” he insisted, his mouth tightening.

“I like the way you care for us, the way you make me feel loved and protected. But to get married? I don’t think so, Jordan. Not yet, anyway.”

“When then?”

“I don’t know. Don’t you see?” She was losing her focus and that was dangerous with those tiger eyes watching. “I feel like I’m only just getting back control of my life. Coming out of the anesthetic was like being back in that car, clawing my way to safety.” She shuddered at the memory. “I felt like I was at
the mercy of everybody while I recovered and I hated it.”

His eyes demanded total honesty, and Caitlin acknowledged that she owed him that.

“If I let myself get involved with you, I lose that control again. I don’t think I’m ready to do that just yet.” She flinched as his jaw tightened.

“We are already
involved,
” he said, lurching to his feet. “That’s what love is all about.” He glared into the fireplace as if he wanted to tear it apart.

“And now we get to the heart of the issue. Control. But what you really mean is that you want to go it alone, prove to the world that you can stand out there and take whatever it is that life deals you.”

He turned around, his eyes blazing. “Why, Caitlin? Why is it so important for you to be strong and independent, even at the risk of refusing help for your unborn baby?”

“I didn’t,” she gasped, furious that he would dare to mention that now.

“Yes, you did. And I don’t think it has anything to do with fear, Lyn. It’s really all about anger, isn’t it? You’re furious at all the people you love who go away when you need them most. So you back away from love, hide out, protect yourself. That way no one can ever hurt you again.”

“I don’t do that.” But she couldn’t look at him, his words cut too deep. Was she really like that? Selfish and self-centered?

“Yes, you do, Lyn. And it hurts. I think you’re
trying to prove you don’t need us.” He sighed, raking a hand through his hair.

“Michael didn’t
want
to die, Caitlin. Neither did your parents or your aunt. They didn’t
want
to abandon you. It wasn’t their fault that God called them home.” He stopped, watching her face.

Caitlin shook her head, all the while his words raced through it. Was it true? Was she angry with all of them? Was she trying to get even in some strange way?

“You’re just jealous because I chose Michael,” she lashed out, and then wished she hadn’t. Jordan was moving closer, so close she feared he wouldn’t let her hide any more.

He smiled tenderly, his hands gentle as they closed around her arms.

“I know you loved my brother, Caitlin. I’ve accepted that. You’ve just had his baby. That’s wonderful. Nobody could be happier than me.” He brushed a thumb over her blouse-covered arm, fingering the warm flannel.

“But he’s gone now, honey. And you love me. There’s nothing wrong with that. Love isn’t meant to be hoarded, it’s meant to be shared. It can grow and grow.”

He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close, his voice soothing.

“For a long time I fought against the idea of loving you, even though I knew it was true. I thought it was disloyal to Michael. You were his wife, you chose him over me. I realized almost immediately that I’d
been wrong to let you go back then, you know. I had to get away from here.” He brushed his chin against her cheek.

“When I came home, after you were married, I realized that I loved you more than ever. But you weren’t mine. Still, you were very happy. I could see that. I decided that I would go away again and that I would wait. I knew the love I had for you wouldn’t die. I thought I’d see what God intended for me to do with it.” His hands brushed down her back.

“But sweetheart, that love didn’t go away and Michael did die. He didn’t want to, but he’s gone. And it isn’t your fault. You can’t make yourself pay for his death, or your parents’. That was part of your life. A hard part, sure. But you got through it.” He leaned back, his generous mouth tipped down in a frown.

“You need to accept the past and move on, Lyn. You can’t make anything better by hanging on to your anger. Let it go.”

Jordan’s eyes glowed with an inner light that made his words all the more tenable.

“You’re not a child anymore, you know that God directs our paths. You’ve grown up. You don’t have to hide away anymore, like a scared little girl who needs protecting. You don’t have to prove you can handle life. You’ve done that. Now you can get on with your life, because you know that He’ll be there, watching out for you.”

His words hit a nerve. Caitlin felt the frustration rise inside her brain, red-hot and boiling. What did he really understand? The long lonely nights when the
house creaked and moaned, the reminders that she had no one of her own, the longing she felt to let go of it all and be someone completely different? Someone not quite so pathetic?

Jordan Andrews thought that he knew everything about her, that he could direct her to do his bidding no matter what she wanted. Whatever he said was law! What did he know about her worries, her fears?

“You know nothing!”

“I know more than you want me to. I know you’re letting the past control the future. Our future. But I won’t let you ignore our relationship. I won’t.”

She shoved him away, walked over to the door and yanked it open.

“You think you’ve got me pegged, don’t you, Jordan? You think it’s so easy to just toss it all away, to forget about my parents dying so horribly while I lived and watched it, to see Aunt Lucy every day and know I didn’t matter to her, to pretend Michael’s death didn’t affect me?”