Baby on the Way (17 page)

She dashed the tears away, drawing on the facade that had seen her through years of going it alone.

“I’m strong because I learned that everything comes with a price. It just depends on how much you’re willing to pay.”

“I know all of that affected you, Lyn. It colored the past and altered your perceptions. But now it’s getting in the way of your life today.”

“Thank you, Dr. Freud! Why would you even think that I could love somebody who’s so hard? Michael was your brother!”

“I know that.” He stood before her, his shoulders straight, his eyes shadowed. “And I loved him. But I can’t live in the past, Lyn. Neither can you. I love you. I want to move on with our lives. I want all of the things God promised us.”

He slipped his hand over the shining fall of curls that tumbled down her back. His touch was so delicate, so tender, Caitlin almost leaned into it.

But fear, her constant companion for years, held her back, restrained by her whispering
what ifs
inside her brain.

“I’m waiting for you, Caitlin. My family is waiting for you. We want you to join the living. They don’t care that you locked them out of your life for so long. They’re ready to welcome you back with open arms.” Jordan swallowed. His hands dropped to his sides and his head tilted back.

Caitlin shivered, knowing something monumental would come out of those soft lips. She steeled herself.

“If your life isn’t full and happy today, Caitlin, the only person you can blame is yourself. We’re here, all of us. We want to love you. But you have to let us in. You can’t keep withdrawing. You have to choose what you want, sweetheart. Fear, anger or love?”

Caitlin swallowed. There were tears at the corners of his eyes. His voice was sad, filled with regret.

“I can’t come back, Lyn. Not until you’re ready to face life and deal with its possibility of hurt. None of us controls life, that’s up to God. But if we don’t accept the pain, we miss the pleasure.” He wrapped
his arms around her and held her close to his heart, his lips against her ear.

“I love you and Micah so much. I want us to be a family, to grow together. I want to share your pain, your fears, your joys. I want to laugh with you and grieve with you. But you have to want it, too. It’s time to grow up, Lyn. It’s time to choose. What will it be? Love? Or safety by yourself in your shell of self-pity?”

Jordan kissed her so tenderly Caitlin thought she’d melt. She could have stayed there forever, but mere seconds later his arms fell away.

His lips touched hers one last time, his voice aching in its intensity. When he looked at her, she could feel the love in his eyes reaching out, desperately trying to touch her frozen heart.

“Choose love, Caitlin. Please, choose me.”

And then he was gone.

“C
hoose me.”

Caitlin shook herself out of the fog Jordan had left her in.

She closed the door, entered her apartment and started up the stairs, determined to get on with her life. She was a single mother, alone, with a baby. She had responsibilities. She had to be strong.

The sound of brakes applied too heavily rang through the house. Caitlin stopped, her eyes wide with fear. Jordan! Was he hurt?

“Not again! Please God, not again! I can’t lose Jordan, too. I love him so much.”

The knowledge coursed through her like a lightning bolt, awakening her to the folly of letting him go.

She’d let him walk out the door without telling him how much she loved him. Not the same as she’d loved Michael, it was true. This love was different.
But it was a deep and lasting love that would be a foundation for the future.

Caitlin raced for the front door, ripped it open and stood on tiptoes, staring to the west as her heart beat double time. What was the pain of the past compared to the grief she now felt, knowing she’d turned him away, knowing she loved him more than life.

Relief swamped her as she spied his car, patiently waiting at the end of the block for a young boy to cross the intersection.

Jordan, dear Jordan. He was fine. He was alive!

Caitlin sank down onto the thickly braided rug inside the front door of Wintergreen, her mind whirling with the wonder of it.

She loved Jordan Andrews. Loved him. With all her heart and soul and mind. Of course, she had loved Michael, too; but that was a different kind of love. She’d been young and needy. She’d expected Michael to care for her, to protect her, to cherish her. She’d never even considered what her young husband might need from her, and never found out how their marriage would have worked, what she would have contributed to their union.

But she had to consider it now. Jordan was here, alive and well, and in love with her. He didn’t want a little girl for a wife, he wanted a woman who was prepared to stand by his side and face the world head-on, good or bad.

“He needs me to be there for him,” she murmured, trying to sort it all out. “He wants me to share his life.”

But to share meant giving herself, freely, without holding back. Could she do that? Anything less would be cheating, a childish pretense that would hurt him. And she and Micah would suffer as much as Jordan. They needed him in their lives, needed his comfort, his compassion, his strength.

But most of all they needed his love, backing them, supporting them as they supported him. There would be problems, certainly. But, oh, the joy she’d share. How wonderful it would be to just let go and love him.

Jordan was gone.

He wouldn’t come back. Not now. Not when she’d turned him away, mocked him for pointing out how childish she had been. He’d given her the chance, asked her to trust him, and she’d turned him away, let him walk out of her life and Micah’s.

Bleakly she watched the taillights of his car disappear.

Caitlin pushed the door closed, then burst into tears at the enormity of what she’d done. Jordan had left believing that she didn’t want him, didn’t need his arms around her, his lips close to hers. How could she have denied herself the one thing she most wanted?

“Caitlin? Caitlin, what in the world is wrong?” Maryann stood inside, staring. After a moment she hunched down beside her, tugging at her shoulder. “Is it the baby?”

“Why doesn’t she answer? What’s wrong with
her?” Beth’s concerned voice only encouraged her tears and Caitlin sobbed all the harder.

“I forgot to tell you…What in the world is going on here?” Eliza’s worried voice broke through the others’ conversation. She listened to the others for a moment, then tugged on Caitlin’s arm.

“Tell me what’s wrong?” she encouraged, a tiny smile twitching at the corner of her lips.

“She keeps asking for Jordan.”

“Ah! I thought so. Come on, dear. Inside before you catch your death.” They urged her to the sofa. “Spill it all,” Eliza ordered.

“I’ve ruined everything,” Caitlin sobbed after the whole story had poured out. “He’ll think I only want him here for Micah if I tell him I love him now. He’ll think I can’t stand on my own two feet!”

“Good gracious. I’ve never seen you so out of control. Mop up, my girl. We’ve got work to do. I haven’t coaxed and coached things this far to let everything fall apart now.”

Eliza motioned to Beth and Maryann and Caitlin watched as they formed a circle in the middle of the room.

“What are you talking about?” she asked uncertainly. There was something in Eliza’s glance that sent a squiggle of reservation up her spine.

“We’re talking about your future, my dear. A wonderful happy future that you deserve and that I intend to see that you have.” She smiled. “You don’t think I’m going to throw all my hard work away, do you? No sir!”

Caitlin thought she looked like a cat that had lunched on a canary and now just finished a very big bowl of thick cream.

“Now go with Maryann, my dear. She’ll help you change. Beth and I have things to do. First of all we need flowers. Lots of flowers.”

“What things? Why do I need to change?” Caitlin dashed the tears from her eyes, frowning at them all. “What are you doing?”

“Playing Fairy Godmother,” Eliza giggled as she brushed a stack of baby clothes into Maryann’s arms and waved her arm toward the stairs. “It’s my best role.”

Caitlin flinched, stunned by the glow of anticipation in those eyes that were so like her baby’s.

“Come on, Caitlin. Let’s get you pretty.”

Caitlin trailed Maryann up the stairs, her forehead creased. “What are they doing?”

“Planning a nice romantic dinner for you and Jordan. And it’s about time!”

Two hours after he’d left Lyn’s, Jordan was headed back. He kept his foot pressed to the floor, ignoring the yellow lights and honking horns. Caitlin needed him his mother said. There was no time to dillydally. This was important.

He made the corner to her cul-de-sac on two wheels, barely missing a station wagon that was illegally parked by a hydrant.

“Calm down,” he ordered his racing heart. “Everything’s fine. The baby’s not sick, Lyn’s okay. Mom would have said if it was serious. Take a deep breath. You’re not a kid going out on his first date!”

It didn’t help much. He still lurched to a stop in front of the old Victorian house with a squeal that would have done a teenager proud.

“Probably burst a pipe in this mausoleum,” he consoled himself as he loped up the walkway and took the stairs three at a time. “Or the furnace went out. Yeah, that’s probably it. The furnace.”

He punched her doorbell four times in rapid succession before he could physically force his hand down. The door was oak and really solid, but he figured if she didn’t answer in about twenty seconds, he would kick it in.

The door opened.

“Hi.” Lyn, his Lyn, stood there smiling, her hair gleaming as it flowed over her shoulders in a river of curls. She wore a dress in some green velvet stuff that showed she hadn’t kept so much as an ounce of Micah’s baby fat. If she had, it was well placed. “Come on in.”

Jordan stepped through the door, puzzled by her calm demeanor and elegant dress. Surely that oaf Matthews wasn’t going to show up again?

“Uh, Mom said you needed me?” He let her take his coat, then followed meekly when she led the way into her apartment.

“Yes. Yes, Jordan I do.”

Inside the door, he stopped short and stared. There were candles everywhere, flickering on the soft light of late afternoon. A fire glowed in the hearth, flowers bloomed on the mantel. To Jordan it looked like home.

“Come on in. Dinner’s ready whenever we are.” She smiled at him and he got lost in that look. Her
eyes glowed with something warm and exciting. What was it?

Jordan swallowed when she turned around, and followed her, trailing behind, through to the dining room.

“Have a seat.”

He stayed where he was, his eyes fixed on the gorgeous bouquet of red roses sitting in the middle of a table prepared for an intimate dinner for two. He looked at her again. She was smiling that smile again. His palms started to sweat. Something told him this wasn’t a dress rehearsal for Clay.

“Uh, Caitlin?”

“Yes?” She stood there, waiting, her hands clasped together in front of her.

“What exactly is this about?”

She smiled. It started in her eyes, but the effect was transported across her entire face.

“I just thought you might like to enjoy a nice romantic dinner before I ask you to marry me.”

Jordan gulped. He couldn’t move, couldn’t look away from her. His whole body was on full alert. Was she serious? It was too good to be true, wasn’t it?

Then he saw her fingers knot together and knew that she was just as nervous as he. That unlocked the block of his chest He walked over to where she stood and took her hands in his, warming their icy coldness with his warmth.

“
You’re
going to ask
me
to marry you?”

She nodded. “Mmm-hmm.”

“Why?”

“Because I love you. I have for a long time. I’ve tried to run from it, pretend it isn’t there, blame it on
Micah. I can’t do it anymore. I’m too old to play games. I don’t even want to.”

“What do you want?” He didn’t know how he got the words out of his mouth, his heart was beating so fast.

“I want to be your wife, to live with you, to share your dreams. I don’t want to run away anymore, Jordan.”

He pulled her into his arms, prepared to forgive anything as long as she loved him.

She tugged back. “Wait a minute, Jordan. I have to say this first.”

“It doesn’t matter, Lyn. None of it. I love you, you love me. That’s what counts. And Micah, of course.” He grinned, ecstatic that he wouldn’t miss any time away from the little girl.

“It does matter, Jordan. Micah is Michael’s daughter. I can’t change that. I don’t want to.” She took a deep breath and continued.

Jordan watched the flicker of candlelight on her face and wondered uncertainly if they would ever get past Michael and find their own place.

“When I married Michael, I was a child. A girl who was so afraid of life that she grabbed on to the first anchor she found. I loved him without knowing what love meant and he was gone before I could find out.” She searched his face, eyes dark with worry: “Do you understand?”

He nodded.

“When you came back, I realized that I didn’t really know anything about love. Michael was the giver, I was the taker.”

“He wanted it that way, Lyn. Michael loved you.”

“I know.” She sighed, unshed tears making her jade eyes glisten. “But I’ve grown up now, Jordan. I’ve learned that God is the only shield I need against trouble. He’ll always be there, no matter what. I can face anything with you. Anything.”

“I love you,” he whispered. Then he kissed her as he’d longed to do so many years ago, just last week, early one morning when he’d visited her at the hospital and found she was coming home.

“I love you so much.”

She relaxed against him, her fingers twining about his neck. He would have kissed her again, long and satisfyingly, except that she tilted her head back and raised one eyebrow.

“What?” He was half-afraid to ask.

“Well, I was just wondering if this means you’ll marry me. Please? Forever. As long as we both shall live.”

A sparkle in her eyes told him she already knew the answer, so he pretended to prevaricate.

“Hmm. I’ll have to think about it. Does Micah come as part of the deal? She’s already my daughter in here.” He tapped his chest.

She frowned. “Of course!”

“And will you promise to love, honor and
obey
me?” He burst out laughing at the dour look on her face.

“You’re pushing it, Jordan! I meant for this to be a happy evening. I mean, I have the ring and everything.” She pulled the black box out of her pocket.

“Oh, you got me an engagement ring?” He flipped the lid open and lifted out the ring he’d chosen weeks ago, shaking his head as he turned the ring from side
to side. Its facets shimmered and shone in the candlelight.

“I have to tell you, Lyn, this is a little gaudy for me.”

She held out her left hand and slipped her finger inside the ring before he could move.

“I’ll just look after it for you then, shall I?” Her eyes sparkled up at him.

“For how long?” he demanded, replacing his arm around her waist.

“Forever,” she promised, sealing the deal with a kiss.

A long time later Jordan glanced at his ring on her finger.

“I have to tell you, I don’t think this is such a good deal,” he complained, snuggling her head against his shoulder as they both watched the baby sleep.

“Why?” She stared at her hand, twisting her finger this way and that in the moonlight. “I think it’s a great deal.”

“What do I get as a reminder of your promise of love?” he demanded. “How do I know that you won’t run away the first time I muddy the kitchen floor or forget to wash the porridge pot?”

“You never mentioned porridge.” Caitlin frowned.

“I didn’t?” He brushed a knuckle down her nose. “I love porridge. Especially if it’s a day old or so.”

She reached up to stroke one hand across his chin.

“I’ll tell you what. The day we’re married, I’ll give you my promise embedded in gold and fixed on your finger for life. As long as you promise to wash the pot when you’re finished.”

He pretended to consider it.

“I guess that would be okay. When and where are we getting married?”

“At Wintergreen, of course!” She looked scandalized that he hadn’t thought of it. “After all, it’s only fitting that the Widow of Wintergreen renounce her status as an independent, self-reliant woman. And when else would we get married but at Thanksgiving.”

He nodded, liking the idea more and more.

“The garden will be buried in snow, of course, but we could have everything in here. That way, we’ll be well and truly married before Christmas.”

“Why’s that so important?” He blinked at the glitter of mischief in her eyes.

“Because I’ve got the perfect thing to go into your stocking. So what do you think?”