Backstage Disneyland: The Secret's Out: Disney characters are real and they live behind the scenes at Disneyland (4 page)

“Scene five, take seven, Real Princesses of Disneyland,” says Timon, holding a clapperboard.

Abu the monkey balances a boom microphone over the living room couches. Thumper the rabbit adjusts a softbox light. Sebastian the crab mans the controls of the television studio pedestal camera. The meerkat snaps the clapperboard before hurrying off the reality TV show set. Standing in the shadows, Indy waits for a break in the filming.

“And action,” Tiana says, sitting in the director’s chair.

Tiana looks radiant in a Disneybound green blouse with a frog brooch, skin-tight purple jeans and sparkling gold flats. But Indy’s biased, of course.

At Tiana’s feet, Jaq and Gus quietly supervise the smaller animals from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” “Cinderella” and “Bambi” who busily scurry behind the scenes as gaffers and grips.

The princesses casually recline on chaise lounges, fainting couches and scrolled-end recamiers in the royal sitting room designed in the elaborately-ornamental baroque style. Royal blue drapes add warmth and coziness to the stone walls of the windowless subterranean room. A hand-woven tapestry depicting all the princesses in their regal finery hangs above an ostentatious fireplace with a crackling fire.

“Men are always fawning over you,” Aurora says as if reading stiffly from a script.

“You should talk,” Ariel says in an equally forced fashion. “You’re always on Tinder.”
 

“I’m sure you have more suitors than I do,” Aurora replies.

“How dare you,” says Ariel, tossing a glass of wine in Aurora’s face.

Indy has seen these two fight about boyfriends dozens of times. Ariel always seems to get what she wants and lately what she wants is a different guy to take her to dinner every night. And Aurora? Well they don’t call her Sleeping Beauty for nothing. Let’s just say she gets around. But somehow the presence of the cameras has brought out the bad actresses in all the princesses.

“OK, cut!” says a frustrated Tiana, slumping in the director’s chair.
 

In a hushed voice, Tiana consults with her stage crew. Indy knows exactly what she’s telling her animal helpers: Keep rolling. No matter what. Tiana has been trying for weeks to film the reality television show pilot with little success. The painful process has taken a toll on the tough-as-nails frog princess. Jaq and Gus dab Aurora’s face with a towel.
 

“Do you think you could yell cut before she throws the glass of wine in my face for the seventh time,” says an angry Aurora.

Walking onto the set, Tiana gives Sebastian a quick glance, who makes an OK sign with his claw.
 

“Nobody says ‘suitor’ anymore, Aurora,” Tiana says. “You need to be casual, contemporary, unscripted.”

Aurora shoos away the mice attending to her hair and make-up.

“I’m just staying in character,” says an exasperated Aurora.
 

“But we’re supposed to be behind the scenes with the
real
princesses,” Tiana says, turning to address everyone. “We don’t want the characters you play in the park.”

“There’s no way Disney is ever going to go for this,” says Cinderella, an old school play-by-the-rules kind of girl.

Cindy is right, of course. Disney will never green light this project. But Indy would never tell Tiana that. An old flame at the A&E network has promised Tiana that he can get a prime slot for “Real Princesses of Disneyland” if they can ever finish filming the pilot.

“I’m just worried we’re all going to lose our jobs,” says Cindy, to an approving chorus of princesses.

“Disney is not going to fire Cinderella,” says Snow White, ever the say-it-like-is sage elder of the bunch.

Snow looks as sexy as ever in a plunging-neckline royal blue blouse, a yellow miniskirt with a red band at the waist and a matching bow in her raven-black hair. She was Indy’s first true love and he still holds a special place in his heart for her. Snow only remembers how things ended - badly and messy.

“I just don’t understand how this is supposed to be a reality show if you’re always telling us what to say and do,” says Merida, one of the newest and definitely fiercest of the princesses.

“Just be yourselves,” says a weary Tiana. “That’s all I ask.”

“Who put you in charge anyway?” asks Jasmine, not one to ever back down from a fight.

Jasmine exudes perfection from head to toe - all curves and attitude in a teal blue crop top, pantaloons and curved-toed slippers. Like her cherished gold accessories, Jasmine treated Indy like a possession and turned him into a kept man. Until Indy strayed - and then Jasmine wanted nothing to do with him.

“It says director on my chair,” says Tiana, shooting Jasmine an evil eye.

“Well it says producer on my door,” Jasmine replies. “And my daddy’s bankrolling this little venture. So you just better check yourself.”

“So that right there is how we want you to act on camera,” interjects Belle, trying to smooth tensions without dousing the fire. “Now let’s all listen to Tiana and have some fun.”

And that’s why Belle is the executive producer of “Real Princesses of Disneyland.” To Indy, Belle has always been more street savvy than book smart. She’s the one with her finger on the pulse of what’s hot and she’s convinced #RPOD will blow up on social media. Without her, there’d be no show.

Indy can almost smell Belle’s rose perfume from across the room. She looks statuesque in a canary-yellow sleeveless cocktail dress and matching stiletto heels. But Indy knows Belle’s girl-next-door personality can be disceptive: She’s a beauty in the evening and a beast the next morning.

“Tink, could you help Rapunzel with her hair,” Tiana says. “I want her to look a little less formal.”

“But I always wear my hair like this,” says Rapunzel, her appearance betraying the truth.

LIke many of the princesses, Rapunzel looks like she just stepped off stage. Wearing her purple gown, she’s piled her lengthy locks so high atop her head that her hair is taller than she is. Most of the princesses wear their traditional gowns as if they are headed to a royal ball. Only, Belle, Snow and Tiana are dressed casually.

Tinker Bell flits around Rapunzel’s head unfurling the beehive, leaving a trail of pixie dust in her wake.

“And it would be nice if you girls could join us,” Tiana says in the general direction of Mulan and Pocahontas, sitting together on a low divan daybed.

The BFFs think they’re better than the rest of the princesses and above participating in the exploitative reality television show. Of course, Indy could be biased. Mulan and Pocahontas are the only two princesses to turn down his romantic advances.

“Well look what the cat dragged in,” Tiana says as she turns to walk back to the director’s chair.

Indy steps out of the shadows, revealing his presence to the princesses and the crew for the first time.

“Indiana Jones,” cries Cindy, the pain of betrayal in her voice. “We named the dog Indiana.”

Cindy slaps Indy hard across the face, knocking his fedora off his head. Of all the princesses Indy’s loved and lost, she was the one who despised him the most. And probably for good reason.

“Places,” says Tiana, rushing back to her director’s chair. “Quickly please.”

Timon races in front of the camera, quickly rattles off the scene information, snaps the clapperboard and hustles out of the shot. Jaq and Gus frantically direct the animal gaffers and grips into position. Indy picks up his hat and gently places it back on his throbbing head.

“I’m sorry, Cindy,” Tiana says as the crew settles down. “Would you mind doing that one more time?”

“With pleasure,” Cinderella says with a broad smile.

Cindy winds up and smacks Indy twice as hard, knocking his hat even farther than the first time.

“Did you get that?” Cindy asks with glee. “Because I can do it again.”

“No, it’s my turn,” says Aurora, slapping Indy across the other cheek before he can even find his hat.

“Let me go next,” says Ariel, pushing Aurora aside.

Indy puts his hands up to protect his raw face, but Ariel socks him in the stomach instead.

“Anyone else want to get their licks in?” asks Ariel, her fist cocked.

Ariel’s blows hurt the most. Indy still carries the guilt of that one drunken night when he ended up in the tunnel of love with the mermaid princess. Ariel told Indy she’d broken up with Buzz but it was really more of a lover’s quarrel. Ariel still strings Buzz along and Indy still keeps the truth from his best friend.
 

“We should probably give Snow a chance,” Tiana says with a chuckle. “Considering their history.”

A doubled-over Indy raises a plaintive hand, begging for mercy. Snow was always more into Indy than he was in her. She never lets him forget that. And takes every opportunity she gets to punish him - both emotionally and physically.

“You dirty, rotten snake,” says Snow before delivering a double-fisted hammer to Indy’s back.

Splayed on the floor, Indy reaches instinctively for his hat and slowly rises, ready for more abuse.

“Snakes,” Indy says with an undefeatable spirit. “Why’d it have to be snakes.”

“Let's see,” says Tiana, clearly amused with herself. “Have you broken anybody else’s heart here?”

Belle, Jasmine and Rapunzel quickly form a line in front of the wobbling Indy. They each take a turn slapping, punching and kneeing the heartless heartbreaker.

“OK, that’s probably enough,” Tiana says, beside herself with laughter. “Why don’t we take five.”

The smaller animals scurry into the living room to attend to the princesses amid the splendor and luxury of the lush lounge. Aurora pulls out her smartphone and starts swiping left and right on Tinder. Tiana gives Sebastian a subtle wink and the crab flashes her a furtive thumbs up with his claw.

“Are you ok, honey?” Tiana says, helping Indy up from the ground.

“Was that really necessary?” Indy asks with a groan.

“Serves you right, you scoundrel,” says Tiana. “And it makes for great television.”

Nearby, Ariel answers her phone with the saccharine charm of cheerleader.

“You’re such a dirty dog, Blackbeard,” Ariel says. “What are
you
wearing?”

A weary Indy slides an arm around Tiana’s shoulder.

“I need your advice,” Indy says.

“Haven’t I already done enough for you tonight?” Tiana says sarcastically.

“No, I’m serious,” says Indy, speaking in hushed tones. “Darth and Mickey want me to help sabotage the Star Wars Festival kickoff party. I’m supposed to set up a meeting with Woody and the Toys tomorrow.”
 

Merida interrupts the couple without the slightest apology and stuffs a slip of paper with her phone number into Indy’s pants pocket.

“Call me,” Merida says, holding an imaginary phone up to her ear.

Over in the corner, Jaq and Gus hit on the playfully flirty Mulan and Pocahontas. Sebastian zooms the camera in on the bizarre inter-species courtship ritual.

“I don’t want them to stop Star Wars Land,” says Indy a little too loudly, attracting the attention of a few princesses.

Tiana kisses Indy on the lips. Her skin smells like southern magnolias. The pain slips from Indy’s body and he remembers why he fell in love with her in the first place. The pair make good foils for each other, neither expecting the impossible from the other.

“You’d make a great Han Solo,” Tiana says. “You’re already a scoundrel.”

“I just don’t want to be Indiana Jones anymore,” he says with the weight of a hero's burden.

In the middle of the room, Jasmine plops down next to Rapunzel on a plush sofa.

“I didn’t know you dated Indy,” Jasmine says, looking for trouble.

“Yeah, three months ago,” Rapunzel says, unaware of the trap set for her.

“That’s when Indy and I were together,” Jasmine says, her temper boiling.
 

“Oh, that’s right,” Rapunzel says, digging a deeper hole.

Jasmine jumps on Rapunzel, pulling her hair as the two tumble onto the royal blue carpeted floor. Sebastian smiles at Tiana as he focuses his camera on the claws-bared catfight. Snow gives Indy a far-too-familiar winterfresh kiss on the lips.

“I hope I didn’t hurt you, sweetheart,” Snow says.

“Come on, Snow,” Indy says, pushing her away. “Not in front of Tiana.”

Tiana throws a conspiratorial arm around Snow’s shoulders with a shared laugh.

“Better than behind my back,” Tiana says.

On the floor, Jaq and Gus give each other high fives as they punch Pocahontas and Mulan’s phone numbers into their tiny smart phones with their paws.

“So what’s this I hear about Mickey and Darth trying to stop Star Wars Land,” Snow White says.

“That’s supposed to be a secret,” blurts out Indy, saying the one word that attracts everyone’s attention.

“What are Darth and Mickey up to?” Pocahontas says, joining the conversation midstream.
 

“They better not do anything to keep those adorable Star Wars boy toys from moving into Disneyland,” Mulan says.

“Luke Skywalker is mine,” Pocahontas says.

“And that Lando Calrissian is one heavenly hunk,” Mulan says.

“I hear Chewbacca is a real animal,” Snow says with a hearty growl. “Bet you that's an E-Ticket ride.”

“I’ve got my eyes on Han Solo,” Tiana says, giving Indy a kiss on the cheek.

Suddenly, the princesses shriek and scream as the castle lounge erupts in chaos.
 

“Pirates!” yells Ariel. “Run for your lives.”

Jack Sparrow and Blackbeard stumble drunk into the royal sitting room singing: “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.”

Blackbeard hoists Ariel over his shoulder as Aurora jumps on Jack’s back.
 

“We pillage, we plunder, we rifle and loot,” the pirates sing. “Drink up, me hearties, yo ho.”

Carrying their plunder, the playful pirates chase the other princesses around the room to shrieks of delight.

“We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot,” the pirates continue singing. “Drink up me hearties, yo ho.”

“Don't they know any other songs?” Snow says derisively.
 

The pirates and their lustful lasses disappear up the spiral staircase and into the night. Indy knows exactly where they’re headed: The Pirates of the Caribbean water ride, which turns into a randy and raunchy tunnel of love each night about this time.