Backstage Disneyland: The Secret's Out: Disney characters are real and they live behind the scenes at Disneyland (10 page)

“Now this is what I call a party,” intones Darth, clearly pleased with himself.

Upset at the disrespectful display, Mulan, Pocahontas and Merida jump on stage to dispatch with the disgraceful dancers dishonoring Disney’s good name. Mulan kicks a near-naked stormtrooper in the groin while Pocahontas and Merida team up to toss an intergalactic skank off the stage.
 

“Gentlemen, start your engines,” Woody says via the radio.

Little Green Men driving mini-cars jump the Autopia track and race through the crowd like crazed Shriners at a holiday parade. Screaming guests flee in terror as the three-eyed aliens weave wildly through the crowd and crash their cars into each other. Within moments, Tomorrowland is littered with bloodied aliens dangling from smashed Autopia cars.
 

When the surprise show is finally over, all the Disney characters involved in the sabotage plot take a bow and congratulate each other. The rooftop Toys exchange high fives while the scallywag pirates remove their stormtrooper helmets, the green aliens wipe off the fake blood and the rowdy dwarfs strip out of their ewok costumes. The real stormtroopers denuded of their armor and held hostage in the Star Tours lobby are released from captivity - dressed only in white undershirts, boxer shorts and tube socks.
 

The fans who failed to escape the mayhem enthusiastically applaud the greatest atmospheric show in Disneyland history - all beamed around the globe by the international media in attendance.

The secret is out once and for all: Disney characters can no longer keep their backstage personalities hidden behind their onstage personas.

11

Frozen Ever After

The after party in Club 33 pulses with the energy of a raucous frat house after a wildly successful and terrifyingly destructive prank. Darth Vader orders a round of drinks for Sheriff Woody and the Toys as they celebrate the derailment of Star Wars Land along with a host of drunken Disney characters. Indiana Jones sheepishly joins the party, hoping that nobody noticed his failed efforts to squelch the sabotage plan. A furious Mickey Mouse stomps across the private restaurant.

“You went too far,” Mickey screams in Woody’s face.

Woody takes a long sip on his cocktail, exhibiting a practiced nonchalance for fear of being disrespected by the big cheese in front of a room full of Disney characters.

“What are you talking about, mouse?” says Woody, not backing down.

“You nearly blew my head off,” Mickey yells.

“I only did what you asked me to,” Woody counters.

Mickey bumps chests with Woody in a clear escalation of the argument that causes the rowdy room to fall quiet in anticipation of a showdown.

“I didn’t tell you to destroy Tomorrowland and send all our guests running for the hills,” says Mickey, clearly distraught with the over-the-top outcome.

Lotso and Mr. Potatohead hold Woody back, sensing the shouting match is about to come to blows. No one dares touch Mickey, whose head looks like it’s about to explode.

“Take it easy, Mickey,” says Darth, placing a comforting black-gloved hand on Mickey’s shoulder.

Mickey dismissively knocks Darth’s hand away, sending the Dark Lord’s cocktail crashing to the floor in the process.
 

“This is all your fault, Darth,” says Mickey, turning his furor from the sheriff to the sith.

“It was Buzz’s idea to get the Toys involved,” Darth says, pointing at the stunned space ranger.

“Great,” says Buzz, beside himself in disbelief. “Now I get the credit.”

Mickey steps on a chair in order to climb on a table to go eye-to-eye with Darth. The tension in the room is thick as the old friends square off.

“You got what you wanted, Darth,” says Mickey, his breath steaming up Darth’s black mask. “You’ve got the spotlight all to yourself. Now you don’t have to share the stage with all your Star Wars buddies.”

“What do you care?” says Darth, poking the mouse’s nose with his mask.

Mickey pulls out his smartphone and starts scrolling through a litany of negative comments streaming across social media.

“I’m getting butchered online,” says Mickey, the distress rising in his voice. “They’re blaming me for destroying Disneyland.”
 

A royal court of princesses in all their finery storms into Club 33 lead by a fuming Tiana. She marches right up to Indy and smacks him across the face, knocking his fedora off.

“You were supposed to stop this,” Tiana cries, furious at the room but taking it out on Indy. “How could you do this?”

Mickey, Darth and Woody all turn their attention to the double-crossing Indy. Suddenly all the blame falls on Indy’s shoulders. And to think he did all this to become Han Solo. Indy doesn’t even want to be Han anymore. He kind of likes the real Han. They’d probably be fast friends.

“What would Walt think?” says Tiana, supremely disappointed in Indy.

“Let’s ask him,” says Mickey, his mood suddenly brightening.

Mickey hops off the table and weaves his way across the room to Madam Leota’s crystal ball.

“Would you mind, Leota?” Mickey asks.

“Not at all,” Leota says.

The swirling liquid inside the crystal ball transforms from the spirit medium into Walt Disney's cryogenically-preserved head. Walt cracks a jovial smile. As always, he looks impeccably groomed with his slicked-back hair and speckled-grey mustache.

“What can we do, Walt?” Mickey asks to the disembodied head.

“Well, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle now,” says Walt, who doesn’t seem as mad as he should be. “No offense, Genie.”

The big, blue Genie leans an elbow on the shoulder of Aladdin the street rat.
“None taken,” says the ever-jovial Genie.

“Everything has changed now,” Walt says.

Mickey holds his head in agony, trying to think of a solution to the havoc they’ve wrought.

“Why don’t we just use magic to reverse everything that happened,” Mickey says.

“There’s not enough magic in world to undo what you guys did,” Walt says with a chuckle.

“Then what are we going to do?” Tiana asks. “These idiots just ruined any chance of building Star Wars Land.”

The blue tint of the swirling liquid inside the crystal ball gives Walt’s frozen head a ghostly glow.

“You can’t stop Star Wars Land,” Walt says with a laugh. “Just like you can’t stop Marveland.”

“But what about Disneyland?” Tiana asks. “The park’s reputation is ruined forever.”

“Just the opposite, in fact,” Walt says. “Advanced ticket sales are skyrocketing, hotel reservations are booked for months and our guests are clamoring for even more backstage access.”

“So this is a good thing?” asks Indy, sensing an opportunity to not be the goat.

“I never want Disneyland to get stale,” Walt says. “We need to shake things up, have some fun, think outside the box.”

Now Indy finally knows the answer to the question: Who is Indiana Jones? Indy can’t
play
Han - or anybody else for that matter. Indy is Indy. Disneyland’s new direction will allow him to be a part of so many new stories. It’s a change he can embrace without having to change who he is or what he believes in.

“Count me and the princesses out if this is the future of Disneyland,” says Tiana, with approving nods from the royal court.

“I thought you’d be happy, Tiana,” Walt says. “I just gave the green light to Real Princesses of Disneyland.”

The princesses collapse in a gleeful group hug as jubilation overtakes all the characters in Club 33. All is forgiven and all is right again in the land of happily ever afters.