Being There (12 page)

Our vacation was coming to an end and the question about what might be was looming over my head. I knew how I felt, but I also knew that Sage was possibly back in the picture and I feared my chance had passed. My uneasiness was obvious and I knew I needed something to calm my nerves, so I had asked him to get us some beer on our last night. I needed liquid courage for what I had planned and I hoped that I wouldn’t be disappointed.

“Take it easy,” he warned, taking my third beer from my hand. “You’re gonna get sick.”

“Oh c’mon,” I cooed, “I’m fine, I can touch my nose and walk a straight line officer.” I saluted, to make my point.

“You’re not seriously drunk are you?” Drew asked me with feigned annoyance. I just shrugged and he laughed. “If you are, then you’re a cheap drunk,” he said, but he handed me another one anyway, which was good for me. We laid on one of the double beds and continued to drink and laugh at some movie we were watching on TV. When he dozed off and I finished the rest of the movie alone, drinking the last of my beer. I looked over at him when I got up to turn off the lights and he looked handsome resting so casually. I wanted nothing more than to curl up next to him, but my conscience was telling me to walk away.

Since he was already sleeping so soundly on his back, I slipped out of my shorts and scurried to my bed but stopped short when I remembered that it was covered in clothes that I had pulled from my suitcase earlier. Being too lazy, and too happy at the misfortune, I opted to just resume my place in the bed next to him, besides, he was on top of the comforter, so what would it matter? When I laid down, he stirred for a moment and I froze until I heard his deep breathing again. My moment was slipping away and my buzz would wear off, so in a move that was very unlike me I got closer.

“Hey,” I whispered in his ear and waited for a response. “Are you awake?”

“Not really,” he answered weakly.

“Goodnight, D,” I murmured as I curled on my side.

I was facing him, one hand under my pillow and the other resting near my face, my favorite way to sleep. I took his unresponsive state to take him in and lock it all to memory. The soothing rhythm of his breathing was almost like white noise lulling my eyes shut. I felt myself start to doze when the smell of his cologne, mixed with his shower gel overcame me. The scent was intoxicating, and I wondered why I had never noticed it before. My mind started to drift to thoughts of Drew and me, and my missed opportunity to tell him how I felt and how I would change it if I could.

It seemed like I had been asleep for a moment, although it could have been longer. I was very aware that I felt the bed move, but I fought to keep my eyes shut, mindful that he was facing me, his breath hot near my face. My heartbeat increased at the proximity of his body to mine, and when his hand covered my hand, it sent tingles up my arm. Neither of us said a word, and if I had to guess, his eyes were closed as well. My thumb brushed the fingers that were wrapped over mine and he turned my wrist, so that my palm was facing up. He ran his fingers in a light line from my fingertips to my wrist, and back again over and over. When his hands stopped their rhythmic massage, I entwined my fingers with his, seeking answers in the silence between us.

I inched closer to him and removed my hand from his and slowly moved it from his chest until it found its home at his neck. I lifted my head and moved my lips to touch his hoping that he would react, and to my amazement, he did. I pulled him closer to me, kissing him urgently as he responded in kind. I was hovering over him needing him to take the lead because I had no idea what to do.

“Drew,” I said in a breathy voice, “I want you.”

He didn’t answer, he just kept kissing me, but I knew he wanted me just as much as I wanted him; it was obvious. When he didn’t act the way I anticipated, I spoke up again, “Please?” I knew I sounded like I was begging and maybe slightly pathetic, but I didn’t care.

He rolled me over and maneuvered himself so that he was over me. In that moment, I saw it in his eyes, the passion disappeared when he snapped back into control and pulled away abruptly, “You don’t know what you’re saying.” I scrambled to my knees and inched to the edge of the bed and grabbed him by shoulders and raised myself in an attempt to kiss him again, hoping to show him I knew what I wanted. He reacted by peeling my hands off of him and pushing me away again, “not like this, you’re drunk. It will not be like this.”

That was the bucket of cold water that I needed to calm my hormones down. Not only had he rejected me, but he was also being condescending in the process. I didn’t say another word; in a huff, I wrapped myself in the blankets and turned my back toward him and pretended to pass out. I could hear him shifting in the bed, so to sell it, I made light snoring noises until he rolled over and pulled my back close to his chest. I couldn’t fight it, even though I wanted so badly to move away, I just couldn’t. A tear rolled down my nose when he pressed a kiss to the back of my head.

“Pia?” he whispered the name he called me when it was just the two of us.

“I love you,” he finished with a light squeeze before falling back asleep. I lay there for some time as the tears continued to roll from my eyes.

When we left the next day, he tried to bring up what had happened, but I was too humiliated, so I faked being drunker than I actually was, saying I didn’t remember anything. He seemed to buy the story, although he looked somewhat hurt by the realization that I had forgotten my brazen attempt at begging him to sleep with me. I just chalked it up to giving the elephant in the room a new playmate.

This isn’t how I expected to spend the first night of my vacation before facing the cancer treatments ahead; sitting in my room reliving old memories of someone I might have had a future with. But that memory walked back into my life a couple of hours ago when I laid eyes on Drew. If I don’t go back out and socialize soon, everyone’s going to feel just as uneasy as me, and that will spell disaster for this entire weekend. I need to make the best of this whole fucked up situation, so I walk to the dresser mirror and fix my makeup and shirt before walking back outside to make nice with the enemy.

“I can’t believe your Luke is
the
Luke
that Nev has been going on about for a month now,” I say as I step outside and smile at Luke. His face lights up knowing that Nev’s been talking about him, and I have no problem ratting her out right now. She’s lucky if this is the easiest I go on her.

“He’s not
my
Luke,” Drew protests defensively. I only said it because I knew it would aggravate him. “We usually go to New B with some of the guys from college, but since he’s dating Nev, I came here with him instead.”

“So how long have all of you known?” I ask of no one in particular.

“Actually,” she says taking a sip of wine, “we all just figured it out the other day.” She raises her glass toasting no one in particular.
Bitch
.

I can’t help but laugh when Luke speaks up, “I actually figured it out the first time I went to your apartment. You have that picture of the two of you on you
r wall, remember? I asked you about it once, but I just didn’t tell you I knew her.”

“Who knew Luke could be so sneaky?” I observe, seeing the shocked look on Nev’s face as she recalls that conversation.

I realize I haven’t properly greeted the guys, so I walk over to Luke and give him a big hug, because I have missed him more than I realized; he always had my back and we got along surprisingly well. “It really is good to see you,” I admit with ease.

“Hey kid,” he says with a smile, “It’s good to see you, too. Been a while.”

“Just an FYI, y’all suck. Every. Single. One of you” I point my finger as I say it light heartedly. I just have to get through the next few days with no drama; I can do this. If I act even remotely annoyed or put off, the guys will leave, and Nev will sulk and I don’t want that on my conscience. Drew seems to pick up on my inner struggle, so I approach him to give him a hug as well.

Hugs are supposed to be easy, one person’s arms go around the neck and the other’s goes around the waist, it’s not rocket science. Yet someone how, Drew and I fuck it up. In what can only be described as the most awkward hug in history, arms flailing in various directions, we stop abruptly which causes us to laugh.

“Okay, stop,” he commands, trying not to laugh. “You go up, I’ll go down.” I raise an eyebrow at him and nod. He reaches out to put his arms around my waist before I wrap my arms around his neck. The approach may have been strange, but I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the memorable feeling of being in his arms. I close my eyes for only a second and breathe in, smelling the cologne that I remember all too well. When he loosens his grip, I drop my hands from his neck and step back to give myself space.

How can two people who spent so much time together feel like total strangers?

I already know the answer; I just wish that it were different. We stand there in front of each other, not knowing what to do.
Why is this so hard?
He seems to be thinking about something when he finally speaks again, "So are you okay with my being here?"

He’s as unsure as I am. I feel my smile grow, despite my efforts to keep my composure, before I respond, "I’m okay with it, and if I’m being honest, I had just been thinking about you when you sent me that message on Facebook." I feel my face flush at my openness,
why did I admit that out loud?

He pulls me in for another hug, and this one isn’t as awkward, we’re two old pros now. “I hope that it wasn’t all bad,” he admits somewhat pained.

An uncomfortable silence descends on everyone and all of a sudden I feel exposed. I see Luke and Nev exchanging tense faces, so I look away, curious as to what is going on. Before I can do or say anything, she clears her throat, “So Luke, wanna see the house?” He nods obediently walking to help her out of the hot tub.
He is so whipped
. Nevaeh climbs out and grabs her own towel to cover herself up before walking over to me.

“Talk to him. Maybe you two can put the past behind and start over as friends again,” she whispers before hugging me fast. I shrug my shoulders noncommittally as she walks away.

“You two behave,” she teases as she looks over her shoulder before they walk inside.

The lack of an audience is a relief, but I’m unsure how to approach the privacy they have afforded us, so I motion to the patio table so we can sit and talk. “That wasn’t at all subtle,” I say in regard to their cheesy exit.  “I’m sorry,” I laugh nervously as I take a seat, “but this is just weird and I don’t know how to make it not.”

“I’m glad you said it first because this
is
weird,” he admits, and we both know why. There’s that huge fucking elephant in the room again that neither of us is willing to acknowledge at the moment. I have so many questions for him, but I don’t want to ask, there’s too much garbage in the mix. Maybe we’ll get into it at some point, but if we don’t, I’ll be able to tuck it away, maybe for another five years.

“It’s been a long time, so how have you been?” The pleasantries are much too impersonal for people
that have known each other for so long, but I guess this is where we are.

“I’ve been good. Busy, but good. How ‘bout you? What have you been up to?”

“Working, that’s about it,” I offer lamely. “So how did y’all figure out everything with Nev and Luke?” I ask him because no one has told me anything, so he sits up to tell me the story, seemingly entertained by it.

“It was this past Tuesday, I was having a shitty day and Luke called to tell me about our annual trip. You know how flaky he can be, I figured he fucked something up and we had to cancel. I was in the middle of putting out a bunch of fires, so I told him to come by my office that afternoon. When he showed up, he told me that his girlfriend was coming by. I’d only heard of her up to that point and I figured she was some mythical being. When she came through the door, she looked right at me and ran over to give me a hug. First I’d seen of her in years.”
              He leans back and places his foot on his knee with finality.

“Did you say Tuesday?” I ask, seeing the pieces come together in my mind. “I talked to her that evening, she said she was going to meet him, but before I could grill her about her new guy, she said she had to go. She never hinted at
anything
.”

“She didn’t realize it until she walked into the office,” he shakes his head amused. “Now that I think about it, Luke already knowing explains why he wasn’t shocked at our reunion.”

“Yeah, it also explains why she got so weird when I asked her about you,
Luke’s friend
, as we were driving up earlier.”

“Well, I’m impressed she was able to keep her mouth shut; she never could keep a secret,” he admits in amusement.

“You have no idea how much she’s kept to herself,” I mutter under my breath.

“What was that?”

“Nothing,” I say dismissively.

“So, you said you had been thinking about me. What about?” he asks with curiosity.

I start to fidget nervously with my fingers before answering, “I was going through a box of pictures under my bed the other night and you and Nev were in most of them. When I saw them, I just started reminiscing, hence the random Facebook posts.”

“I’m glad to see you haven’t forgotten about me. Five years is a long time,” he admits quietly.

“C’mon,” I swat at his leg, “I couldn’t forget you! You were my best friend…” before I can say anymore, I’m thankfully interrupted.

“Hey! I thought I was your best friend,” Nev says with a wink as she and Luke walk back out to join us.

“Oh Nev, you know you’re my sister from another mister, but Drew knew me pretty damn well too back in school,” I feel my cheeks flush
again
, this time in embarrassment.

Nevaeh takes a seat in Luke’s lap before joining our conversation. I hate to admit it, but I like the buffer of this couple with us. If anyone could make things more at ease, it would be Nev and Luke. Hell, if nothing else, we can grill them. I guess Drew has the same idea, because he’s the first one to jump in. “How serious is this,” he asks pointing to them. They look at each other and shift uncomfortably under the attention.

“Well, I mean, it’s only been a month,” Nev starts to explain, but Luke cuts her off with a squeeze around her waist.

“It’s pretty damn serious,” he admits, before realizing his slip, “I mean, at least I think it is.” He looks unsure as he looks at Nev questioning her commitment.

Nevaeh turns her head slightly to look at him with a beaming smile, “Yeah, it’s serious,” she agrees before turning fully in his arms and kissing him. Their sudden public display leaves me ready to make a hasty exit.

“Hey D?” I slip using his nickname, hoping to make this less awkward, “Why don’t you help me in the kitchen with some lunch,” I say nodding my head in that direction.

“Okay, sure. Anything. Just get me away from this,” he says pointing to our friends’ happy make out session.

I just laugh as we get up to leave before turning on them. “Hey guys?” I try to get their attention, but clearly they can’t be bothered. “Well, don’t mind us. We’ll be inside, if you need anything.” They just wave us away, never breaking their kiss.

I’m not at all in my element in a kitchen, but I find myself attempting to cook, just to avoid staring at each other with nothing to say. The fridge is stocked with the few bottle
s of wine we brought with us, and some ground beef that Nev insisted we bring so she could make spaghetti for dinner. I try to keep moving around, unsure of what we have to talk about or where this conversation may lead. I open one of the bottles of wine and pour Drew a glass and hand it to him before grabbing one for myself. I start to fill him in on my position with H&D Publishing. I was so happy to land the job, but it’s proven to be a difficult endeavor at times. But in the last year, I have gone from an entry-level position doing mostly grunt work, to reviewing some really interesting copy.

“So you’re a big-time editor then, huh?” He asks with a proud smile as he takes a sip.

“I wouldn’t say ‘big-time,’ but I’m enjoying it.
Mostly
.”

“Mostly?”

“I’m still trying to prove myself, and working with lazy-ass people is a bit hard. I’m not willing to sell my dignity to move up.”

“Ah, so some slutty office action happening, is there?”

“Not really, at least not that I know of. It’s just the whole damsel-in-distress act and wearing revealing stuff to get noticed. You know, the type that give all other women a bad name isn’t my thing.”

“So, is that a good or a bad thing?” He teases, knowing full well where I stand. I have always believed one should get to where they are based on their abilities, not how short their skirt is.

“Ha-Ha,” I deadpan. “It’s just frustrating because I do more than my fair share, and then I get to pick up extra work because someone has ‘problems,’ which is code for,
I’m an idiot, I have no idea what I’m doing, so Cass can do it
. We all have problems, hell, I have my own to deal with.” I stop as soon as the words fly out, and switch the subject to him.
Not going there.

“So what about you? Make good on that landscaping company you always wanted to start?”

“I did,” he beams with pride. “Just incorporated Alexander Landscaping Design about six months ago,” he finishes and I can’t help but return his smile.

“I’m so proud of you, that’s amazing.”

“Thanks. But it hasn’t been easy. You know, it’s a lot harder than you would think to start up your own business. The idea that you are your own boss is great, but when you have no clients, you do a lot of jobs for nothing, just to get your name out there.”

I move to sit at one of the barstools at the island and take a sip of my wine, “When did you start it up?”

“Before I finished school, I did some small jobs here and there when I had time, but I liked the work and my clients seemed happy. It was just a few at first, but it grew a little more each year. I’m not rolling in dough or anything, but I pay the bills and pay my crew, so I’ll take it.” He just smiles and the silence stretches between us. He looks like he is questioning me. My silence? The look I’m giving him? I have no idea what.

“I’m sorry,” I admit, shaking my head. I guess I stared a little too long, “I’m just shocked I guess. You really did it.” I realize my choice of words isn’t kind and wince when I see his face.

“Thanks, I guess,” he replies in a dejected tone.

I swat at his arm playfully, “I didn't mean it like that. I just know that was your dream. I'm really proud of you.”