BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (133 page)

At night, stone cold sober, in bed, Sylvia remembered the first time after so many years, that he had reached for her, persuading her with his moves to give into him. With nothing current to hold against him, Sylvia gave in. The one thing about Armundo Sr. which could not be denied, when he wanted to make love to a woman, he knew how. When it came to the things a woman wanted in bed, he delivered. Part of her felt disloyal to her own sense of right and wrong, to her own conscience, by finding pleasure in giving in to him. After all, he had treated her, and his own children with discard, disinterest and often times, disdain. How many times had he cursed her, demeaned her, hit and abused her? Done things that made her not trust him with her children? So to lay and give into him came with an inner struggle not easily overcome. This went on for sometime, and it was she, who was the first to give him the benefit of a doubt - because she had never wanted to end up divorced - raising her children as a single parent. The irony of it was, despite being married, she had been, a single parent. For that reason, their children kept the distance. Mundo, the last one home, often times glared at him with narrow eyes of distrust, and too, his eyes would go to his mother, trying to understand, why - why was she giving him a chance? To Mundo, he deserved nothing from them after the things he'd done and said to them over the years. Not once, had this man, hugged him. Not once, told him that he loved him. Not once, said that he was proud of him. Not once - not one time gave him anything near, to a sense of belonging or value. But the other things, the ugly, nasty, mean, drunken things he'd said and done, could not be counted, could not be listed without effort, there were simply too many.

In a way, Sylvia had known that Mundo went through a stage of resentment towards her for not leaving him when she was finally in a position to do so. For giving him another chance. Back then, if she smiled at his father, or laughed at something funny he said, and he could be funny as well - Sylvia would turn to look at Mundo, only to see disapproval in his eyes. He had nothing in his heart, for his father, nothing. He would only stand and leave the room, leaving Sylvia to feel once more, that she'd betrayed herself and her children by allowing him a chance to display change. Making her question her own sense of judgment, her ability to correctly see him as someone, some how worthy of forgiveness. He was all that she had known back then. If there was a possibility of change, or better things from him, she wanted it. After all the hell, surely what she was seeing was the reward and fruitage for staying true to him despite it all?

Then one day, he left with a promise to return, for her to be ready, they were going out to dinner, just the two of them.

He'd said, "I want you to go out and buy a real pretty dress. I gotta make a run, be ready when I get back, okay?" He'd smiled his smile, one that could be so charming, so fetching and too - so false. But determined not to reflect on that part, she'd smiled, accepting his kiss to her lips.

He left - and she'd never seen him again.

This night, was so much like that night so long ago - where she waited, and waited and waited.

"Damn you Shawn! How could you do this, and say you love me?" She cried out, swiping at her tears. She turned from the window, walked to their bed, sitting there she thought about where he might be, what was going through his mind. "You could have come to me. Why didn't you come home, to me?" She sniffed as she thought about the way he was with the kids. They were his life, this baby she carried, seemed to be his life. She lay down covering herself thinking about that. The conclusion she came to finally, hurt - it hurt like hell. But it was late, and she had to get up the next morning. Looking at the clock on the radio, it was almost two in the morning. She had to get some sleep. Despite the hurtful conclusion she'd drawn in her mind, she prayed to God until sleep overcame her, that He not let anything happen to her husband.

*

Friday Morning...

"Get!" Shawn kicked out at the seagull that woke him as he lay in the back of the Hummer with the back up, the sun shining down on him and the ocean breeze washing the surf against the rocks nearby. The squealing outcries of seagulls calling out over and over, some landing near him searching for a possible toss of leftover food and waste. One with enough nerve to land on his shin to walk on his leg and into the Hummer where he was now waking up. Scattered around him, empty cans of Old Style and a pint bottle of whiskey, with three fourths of it gone. He groaned with his hand going to his face, running over it. He felt the rough stubble of needing a shave badly. Pulling himself into a sitting position, he looked around him with bleary eyes, feeling like shit. So much for his determination not to drink again, he thought to himself. Good thing he had kept that to himself, since it hadn't lasted a day. Next to him were the keys to the Hummer, he shook his head at himself. Realizing how lucky he was not to have been robbed and the Hummer stolen from him. He'd crashed that hard, that anyone could have stripped him naked and he would have never known it. He slowly came to his feet, walked a bit away from the Hummer and emptied his bladder. Moving slow, he cleaned up his beer cans scattered about, placing them in a bag, put everything in the backseat on the floor, climbed into the Hummer and started it. The clock on the dash read, 08:45, sitting still with it running, looking at the time, he thought about his wife and the fact that he hadn't called her, hadn't left a word with her since he left home yesterday. "Shit, aaah baby - I'm sorry, so sorry." He groaned, feeling like crying all over again. He still didn't know what to do, nor what he would say to her for staying gone all night long. Part of him wanted to go back to see his daughter again. Part of him felt that he needed to go home; the part that won, lead him to Mama JoJo. When he pulled up in front of her home and parked, she'd been sitting on the porch looking for him, so it would seem, because when he stepped out of the Hummer, she was up out of her seat and to the door, opening it for him.

"Where you been? Huh? Yo' wife done call here last night, lookin' fo' you, three times." She fussed as he made his way towards her, looking sheepish and ashamed of himself. "Chile I tell you the truth, get in this house - been drinkin' I see. What done got hol'o'you so you wonderin' round, lookin' lost?" She asked, moving aside for him to enter.

"She mad at me?" He asked.

"Worr'd, sca'd somethin' done happen to you." She answered.

He sighed and looked up to see Corliss standing in the door looking at him.

"You look like you back from the dead, what's going on wit'ya'll?" She asked.

Mama JoJo was on her instantly, "Don't you worr' 'bout him, you on yo' way out, remember?"

"Mama JoJo ain't no need for all that. I swear sometime you act like he more your child than me." She grumbled, heading for the door, passing Shawn on the way. He stood saying not a word, he wasn't in the mood to deal with her, instead, he made his way into the house, towards the kitchen, and then the sink where he stood drinking down one glass of water after another. He heard a, "Hey." behind him, and turned briefly to find Corliss' son standing in the kitchen door looking at him. He was dressed as most youth's, clothes hanging off of him, pants far longer than they should be. He had a Spanish look about him, due to having a white, or Spanish father; when it came to Corliss, there was no telling which. She had a daughter as well that stepped forward behind her brother, looking at him, and then went on her way, she hadn't a word to say. She was pretty much all black, a duplication of her mother, but young, fresh and pretty - her personality on the other hand, was questionable. Shawn cracked a smile for her son, along with a nod. Polite, he lifted a hand and made his way towards the door, where Corliss was waiting for them, which her loud, rude call to him confirmed.

After about six glasses of water, Shawn turned to lean against the kitchen counter when Mama JoJo entered the room. She pointed at the phone on the wall, "Call her." She ordered firmly. Shawn winced, "I'm a chicken." He confessed.

Mama JoJo grinned, "Tha's okay, call anyway, take it like a man!"

He looked at the phone, as if it were a snake that might bite him if he didn't handle it carefully. Taking a deep breath, he looked back at Mama JoJo, "Can I - take a shower first? Maybe, you could call her for me? Let her know I'm okay, that I'll be home soon?"

Mama JoJo stood a moment, gazing at him, then finally, "Gon' chile, get in'na shower, I'll call her."

"Thank you." He walked into the bathroom, stripped down and got into the shower right away. His mind fighting what he knew he must do, go home. Not because he didn't want to go home, that wasn't the problem, the problem was going home without his daughter and explaining to his wife, why - they had to leave her there. It was that, he kept putting off. It was eating him up inside. By the time he came out of the bathroom, feeling better, Mama JoJo informed him.

"I ain' talk to yo'wife, but ha' daughter, she say she let her mama know you okay."

"Thank you."

"Naw come on over here and tell Mama JoJo wha's going on, keep you out all night, drinkin'."

Shawn went to the kitchen table taking a seat as she went about fixing him something to eat. He sat leaning forward, elbows on his knees, peering through the floor boards. She gave him a moment as she put on grits, took out sausage, and got them started, "Come on, let's hear it." She urged him. Inhaling deep and long, letting it out, Shawn finally explained what was going on. She listened attentively as always - saying nothing until he finished and fell quiet. "Get the eggs for me sugga'." She directed him, not yet ready to comment on what he'd shared. He rose right away, getting them, and the pan she always used for fixing eggs. He went in the cabinet next for a bowl, because Mama JoJo only liked scrambled eggs, and when he ate with her, that's what he ate as well. He cracked enough eggs for them, added the salt and pepper scrambling them as she took out plates; cups for their coffee. In no time they were at the table eating together, both of them thinking, comfortable with each other.

Shawn was leaning on his knuckles, elbow on the table, forcing the breakfast down when Mama JoJo finally spoke up about the matter at hand. "You know what I'm thankin'?"

"I'd like to."

"I'm thankin', you done did everythang, and gone to everybody, but the one person, you shudda' gone to - yo' wife?"

Shawn palmed his face, stroking and squeezing his temples.

"Right or wrong?" She pressed.

Spoken soft and low, he nodded, "Right."

"So, what you thank goin' through her mind, right now?"

"Mama JoJo, I was such a mess last night, I didn't want to go home the way I was."

"Listen here you, I'on wanna hear that! You a married man - two times! Somethin' this important - you gone just shut her out? Now I know you a grown man, but Mama JoJo gone tell you the truth, you wantin' to hear it or not. As for that baby, I don't know what the best thang is. I know what she mean to'ya. I ain't neva' seen no man like you, wit'no babies, I swear I ain't. And I done known some men love they chil'ren, but you, you got a powerful somethin' in you about yo'babies, I know that from watchin' you with her, when you bring her here, so I know what this doin' to'ya. Even so, yo'wife, shudda been the first you bring in to help figga' this out."

"Mama JoJo - how do I look at my wife and ask for help, when I know there's nothing she can do about it? I don't want to stress her with this."

"Chile, it's too late for that! By doin' what you done did, you done upp'd the stress for her, tenfol'! You got to learn in life, if there be a will, the Lord always make a way. Man so silly, wantin' to always trus' in his own power, insteada tappin' into the Lord's. Insteada goin' off half-cock - you need t'learn to stop, breathe and pray - you can save a lot of heartache by doin' that first."

Shawn sat a moment thinking about her words, looking up at her, he gave a sad smile. "I can't wait to have you with me Mama JoJo. I can't wait to get you there; you there, I won't have any choice, but to behave."

"You got that right!" Mama JoJo grinned, winking at him. "I said I'm comin', Mama JoJo be there for you. You got to learn though, not to get so worked up, you make thangs more difficult than they need to be."

Shawn sighed running his hand over his face, through his short crop cut and knew that she was right. Sitting before her, now that the heat of madness had died down and he could think rationally, he couldn't help but wonder why his reactions were so strong? When it came to protecting family, if faced with a threat, he couldn't be reasoned with - the notion of anyone hurting someone that was in his family, triggered an auto-response that was aggression filled. It was like a blindness came over him to simply strike and end the threat, immediately! Last night when there was no specific target in view to correct the matter right then, right there, immediately, it ripped through him. This time, the target might be his daughter. Not only might she be under threat, she would be taken from him, to assure her safety. His very make-up went into a malfunction overheat as it were because he could not complete to the end what stood between them. Now, hours later, it was time to go home. After a night of drinking and sobbing alone - it still did nothing to quail the unrest in his stomach. Again, why? He couldn't help but wonder, why his reactions to things gripped his very core and wouldn't let him go until the matter was done! It wasn't done, in fact, he felt the matter was now worse, because he would have to face his wife. Perhaps he wouldn't feel so torn apart if the matter had been resolved so that all that was left was facing his wife. It was like getting ready to be scolded for something not yet done. Thus, now, it was a double dilemma.

He sat back in the chair, watching Mama JoJo as she gathered things to do the dishes. He stood helping her, needing to delay just a bit longer. As Shawn stalled, something else occurred to him about himself, he was afraid of his wife. She caused an anxiety in him that made him fear the consequences of his actions once brought to her. It hurt to know, that the very core of him that he feared he could never change, she hated. Now, with Angela possibly having to stay there with all that surrounded it, he feared losing it again - he couldn't get his mind around leaving her behind - but to protect the rest of the family, he was forced. The thought of it again, almost doubled him over once more, like a shot to the gut that was on repeat. That kept running up against thoughts of Sylvia and slamming into what he seemed to keep bringing her.