BOMAW Vol. 10-12 (199 page)

"You see anything yet? See him anywhere?" Jake asked.

"Screw this, I'm going in through a window." Shawn commented heading down the back porch stairs to find the best window to break into. Since Ben was the youngest of the three, they made him climb over the back of the house, looking into windows, standing on the seal of the bathroom and kitchen trying to find Derrick somewhere in the house. They figured he had to be home because the van and truck was in the driveway. They knocked continuously, on the front and back door, phoned the house and listened to the phone ring from outside, and still there was no response from within.

"Ah, brother dear, if my memory serves me correctly, this place is wired; you break a window, alarms will be going off."

On the ground now, Shawn stood with his hands on his hips looking up at Jake, who stood on the second level porch looking down at him,

"Okay,
brother dear
- what would you suggest I do then? Just stand out here and hope he'll eventually come to the door? After all the noise we've made, if he hasn't by now, he won't be. So what would you suggest?"

"Hell Shawn, I don't know, what if he's gone for a walk or something, he might not-..."

"I see'im! He's in the kitchen, he's either sitting on the floor, or laying on the floor." Ben immediately jumped back from the ledge he'd been standing on, landing on the ground not far from Shawn. Who, after hearing that, broke in the same basement window Margaret Wheeler had - no alarms went off - they weren't sure why, but not long after Shawn went in, Jake and Ben quickly followed. He rushed up the basement stairs into the main part of the house and into the wrecked kitchen to see Derrick sitting on the floor, back against a cabinet. When they rushed in, he lifted his head and through squinty eyes, one almost closed, asked, "Wha'n'hell ya'want?" He was good and drunk, "All th'damn noise." He grumbled, staying put.

Shawn, Jake and Ben looked at each other, sighing in relief until Ben's eyes caught sight of the gun on table with loose bullets scattered around it. Using his eyes he gestured towards it. Jake and Shawn glanced at it and back at him; Shawn was the first to softly order him, "Get that out of here."

Ben moved for it, yet despite Derrick being drunk, he saw what he was going for, "Leave it! Don' fuckin' touch it!"

Ben froze, looked back at Jake and Shawn who nodded for him to get it anyway, while Jake asked Derrick, "Why you on the floor?"

His eyes rolled to Jake, "Why ya'think, can't get up." He mumbled and then, "HEY! You, pu' - that - back."

Ben ignored him, since he couldn't get up, he took the gun and all the bullets laying there heading out the room.

"Derrick, what's up with the gun? Huh?" Shawn asked coming further into the room, he decided to sit on the floor next to him.

"Em um," He shrugged, and then, "A lil'Russian roulette - guess - I get t'live. Spun it, pull trigger, click - spun it, pull, click, three times, click - click - click - nothin' happen. Guess it mean, I live with it, huh?"

Jake had been standing, he collapsed into a chair nearby so heavily it scrapped on the floor with the force of his landing. Shock from his words choked him up, as horror shot through him at the picture of his brother sitting alone in his kitchen, playing with his life, gambling to see if he could live with what was happening or not.

Ben paused in the door as Derrick's words reached him before he'd gone from the room. He couldn't believe what he'd heard, this was not the Uncle Derrick that he knew. He stood frozen, stunned because had either of the three gambles failed him, they would have been greeted by something neither of them would have been able to deal with. Turning from the scene, he made his way out of the house, to put the gun in his father's SUV.

Shawn couldn't speak, all he could do was stare at him, caught off guard by what he'd just heard, "Derrick, you're - you're kidding right? I mean, you didn't really did you? Three times?"

"I try - bullet was'n there, can' do su'cide, not nice. God don' like it."

"Don't be insane Derrick! That
was
suicide!"

"NO! I'm still here ain'I? That - was lettin' God decide - an' God said -
'Oh no, live with'it. Stupid, weak, coward.'
Tha's what he said - live with'it."

Shawn sat next to him not sure what to do, "Derrick - you're gonna have to find a way to get by this, you have a wife that needs you right now-..."

"You see my wife Shawn... my beautiful Meri? See what that - that - see what she did to my Meri? Kill one o'my children, I can't - can't get it - out of my head - it won't go away. Now my Meri - she won't look at me Shawn, she can't - can't bear to - to look at me." He struggled out, choked up and trying to breathe.

Jake sat quiet, not sure what to say either, his heart hurt for his brother, that he'd even considered putting a gun to his head, drunk or not, "Derrick, I can't believe you tried that - what if one of the times, you hit the bullet, do you know how we would have found you? How could you have even pulled the trigger once, let alone three times!?" Jake stressed.

Derrick lifted his bleary eyes, so tired, red rimmed and swollen from sobbing so much, "I - I kept thinkin', all it take, is - one bullet - t'clean up all the ugly in my head. Jus' seconds, it goes through - takes out everythin' on the way - clean - gone." He murmured low.

Jake stood from the table and walked from the room. It was too close to having gone through what he had with Doris. He'd seen up close what a bullet to the head could do - maybe it wiped up the ugly from within the head, but the mess it left for others after the self inflictor was done, passed the ugly on to them. That his own brother, the one most stable and calm among them could actually have done such a thing wreaked havoc within his system. Jake wasn't sure if he was equipped with what it would take to cope with loosing one of his brothers.

In the kitchen on the floor, Shawn sat with him, thinking about the ugly things in his own mind that would not go away. Nothing in his life overshadowed Jesse James Douglas, nothing. It was pure hell and Jesse hadn't been his wife - or his child. So the magnitude of what Derrick was feeling, he could relate to if he just upped it. The question was, where did they take him from there? He was not about to leave his brother again after learning he'd been playing Russian roulette, getting so intoxicated he couldn't get back on his feet again.

"Derrick - my ass is getting numb." Shawn mentioned out loud.

Derrick exploded into laughter, "Lost feelin' in mine - while ago."

"Yeah, well, we're gettin' up." Shawn launched himself forward coming to his feet, yelling for his brother and son, "Jake! Ben! Let's get'im up!"

When Jake entered the kitchen, there was a look of dread on his face, "Don't look like that, we have to get'im up." Shawn stated already knowing what the look was about.

"Goddamn Shawn, you weigh enough, but him - shit! You guys are killing my back man! Ben! Get in here! Hell - he's young."

He was on his way back into the house when he heard Jake calling for him, showing up beside him. "Yep?" He asked right away, looking from one to the other and then his uncle.

"We've got to haul him up off of that floor, you're the youngest, you get to lift from the shoulders." Jake delegated.

Ben smiled, "No problem, let's do it."

"Yeah, no problem, you don't know how much he weighs, he's a fuckin' tank! Solid as a goddamn tree trunk." Jake went on to inform Ben as he moved into position behind his uncle, pushing him forward to make room, getting into a squat to lift position. "Well? Am I gonna get some help here?" He asked looking up at Shawn and Jake, who stood side by side, mustering the brain power it would take to haul Derrick to his feet and out of the kitchen. The two brothers looked at each other. "Wait Ben, before we get him up, where're we takin'im?" Shawn asked.

"I think to the basement, it's easier to go down with him than up." Ben suggested, "Plus, there's two sofa sleepers down there." He added.

"Sounds like a plan to me, Shawn - you get his legs, you're a big - muscle bound Popeye lookin' kind'ah guy, ate all your spinach, handle him, I'll clear the way." Jake instructed.

"What the hell man, you're younger than me!"

"Yeah, but you're the bigger of us two, stronger, besides, you're the oldest - let's go. I'll get all the doors and move all the chairs! I can't be straining my back, I'm working overtime." Jake informed him, moving the chairs, clearing a path for them. Shawn looked from him to Ben, who was grinning waiting for them to make up their minds.

"Shawn! Get me, I can't feel my legs no more!" Derrick called out.

Ben burst into laughter, "I'm ready when you are." He spoke grinning at Shawn.

"Yeah, I think you better let me get that end." He cautioned Ben, "He really is heavy."

"I got'im - let's do it." Ben went back down, putting is arms under his uncle's, gripping his fingers in a tight lock before his chest. Shawn got beside his legs, hauled both in close up by his hips to take some of his torso weight off of Ben, "Get ready, lift!" They both pushed to their feet, straining under Derrick's weight, they staggered a bit and when Ben finally had him in a carrying position they headed for the basement stairs.

"Don' drop me." Derrick slurred.

"Shut - up - Derrick!" Shawn grunted.

"I - I gotta take a leak - I'm 'bout t'burst!"

"You hold that shit Derrick! Don't you dare fuckin' piss right now!"

"Maybe we should take'im outside!" Ben huffed.

"No, keep comin', in the basement, bathroom, shower! I'll clear the way!" Jake once again suggested, staying out of their way.

"Don' shake me Shawn, I'm gonna piss!"

"We gotta go down the fuckin' stairs Derrick!"

"Ohhh shit! I'm gonna piss - I - can't hol'it!"

"DERRICK! You fuckin' piss on me,
I'll
shoot you! Fuck Russian Roulette! Jake! Get that bathroom door open, we're droppin' him in the shower!" Shawn blazed, blowing hard. Ben couldn't speak, trying to keep his end up. They banged along and awkwardly staggered into the bathroom - dropping him carefully into the shower, where Shawn turned it on him, full blast, cold water!

"AAARGHH - COLD - COLD YOU BASTARD - THAT'S COLD!!!" Derrick sat up in the bath tub, trying to shake off the cold water that Shawn kept on him, "TURN IT OFF!!!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP! PISS ALREADY! We'll get you dry clothes!" He turned to Jake, "Get'im dry clothes!" And then to Ben, "Straighten up that kitchen and get some coffee on!"

Grinning, Ben saluted him, "Yes sir! Right away sir!"

Shawn turned back to Derrick, "This is going to be the last time I do this with you, you hear me Derrick! This is not you! You're the strong one, the one with his shit together, hold still so I can peal this shirt off of you!" He huffed, undressing Derrick who sat trying to kick his sodden shoes off.

"No, I should be - like you Shawn - I was like you - my - my baby - my wife wouldn't be-..."

"You are who you are Derrick. You did what
you
felt was the right thing to do. You didn't do wrong - that crazy twisted bitch did that to your wife, not you!"

"I - I didn' protect her."

"You tried, you followed the law and tried. You hear me? It's not your fault that there are lunatics out there, that is - not - your fault!"

"I - I should have - snapped her - her blasted neck, when I - when I had the chance - I know how, don't I Shawn? We know how. My dad, he tol' me - but I - I never wanted to Shawn, I never wanted to-..."

"I know Derrick, I know you never wanted to. Let's get these pants off you."

"You - you always took care - you always Shawn, took care o'us' - I - I wanted - I wanted to take care of you Shawn... I didn't like - dad hurtin' you - makin' you..."

Shawn's eyes welled up, "HUSH Derrick, hush! You're talking nonsense..." Shawn could barely see through his blurring.

"No - no - Shawn, I - I would die for you - I would die for you - my brother - I would - you take - care o'us Shawn, always."

"Well you took care of me too, always did, didn't you? So I know you, you're not weak, not a coward Derrick, you're not afraid - you're just - a good guy. That's all, you're just a real good, gentle guy - and you'll get over this, okay? You will."