Colour Series Box Set (86 page)

The sun is bright and the air feels fresh and summery, I try to distract myself with the beauty of the place. We drive away from the bustle of the city and the ocean that surrounds it. The landscape is green and lush with vineyards the white gabled homes of each estate we pass. The colours mesmerise me into a false security. If I don’t think about it, then it will go away.
Stop thinking like a child Shannon, you are married to him in a strange country and he is in a dangerous place. No one will know you are gone, no one cares. No one even knows you exist here.

We turn down a dirt road and wind down through a vineyard to an enormous gate, the red dust from the sand creates a cloud behind the car. Callum enters a number into the pin pad and the gate slides open allowing us to go further. A large white house with shutters on the windows comes into view and as we get closer it seems so much bigger. Callum parks the car in front of the garages and gets out. I am surprised when he opens my door to help me out. He takes my hand and pulls me close to him. He kisses my temple, cold icy shivers spread through me. “I am sorry Shannon.” He says softly and holds my hand in his. We don’t walk to the front door of the house, but instead he leads me to a small path through vines next to the gravel driveway. The rough stone paved path is difficult to walk on, but I manage to keep up with him. The smell in the air is unique and I breathe in lungful’s. The leaves brush against my face every so often as Callum’s grip on my hand gets stronger. We emerge from the cover of the vines onto a small dirt road. The sun burns my fair skin. My heels are not the best for this sort of walking, but Callum slows down so I can manage.  There are a few large trees surrounded by low stone wall in the distance, the wind moves the leaves of the trees slowly and I can see there is swing on one of the branches. Someone is swinging on it, the rhythmic back and forward making me walk a little faster again. Callum slows down as we get close to the wall, I can see over it now. There is a small girl swinging in the tree, she is surrounded by headstones. Kneeling at one is a big man with his back to us. I can see the tattooed skin of his arms holding onto the gravestone as if it would save him.

It is Rowan, and Lauri’s little girl swings in that tree. Another little soul for our world to swallow and spit out hardened and empty. I feel sad for her. When I look up at Callum his eyes are fixed on Rowan where he sobs over his wife’s grave. I see the tears slide slowly down his cheeks as the sun catches them. For the first time, I see Callum’s age, I see the grey in his temples and the wrinkles that are forming around his eyes. I see what this life has done to him, he has never been more beautiful to me than in that broken moment of devastation. 

When we get to the small broken black gate, I don’t follow him, I let him go to his friend. His brother, because I do believe their bond is that strong. He lets go of my hand, he doesn’t wipe his tears. He clings to large manila envelope in his other hand he walks towards Rowan. I see the little girls watching us, I am drawn to her and I walk slowly through the gate and up to where she swings. I get a fright when she looks up at me, her eyes are two entirely different colours giving her a sinister almost evil look. Her nervous smile warms me a little and I stand next to her not saying anything while she swings. We watch Callum fall on his knees next Rowan and embrace his friend. He empties the contents of the envelope on the floor I see the glint of something metal as he does. Rowans sobs erupt and we can hear him wail now. I feel a little warm hand tug on mine, I look down at the girl next to me she looks at me and says “It’s okay. My daddy is broken. His heart is gone with my mommy. He comes here to cry.”

 I bend down to her so she can hear me. “Uncle Callum is here to fix it now sweetheart.” She smiles at me so big and twists her pigtail in her fingers. “I know; my mommy is going to go now.” She wipes a stray tear and bounds down the hill to where the Callum rests his hand on his friend's shoulder. Callum is home, I wonder if I will ever find a home. The little girl makes me uncomfortable, her innocence is more than I can stand.

I walk slowly behind her and stand a few steps away as the two men stand. I see the bloody knife and photo on the floor between them and I lunge forward to grab Avery’s hand but I am too slow. She sees it all. Her little eyes look up at the two men and she beams at Callum. “You killed the devil.” My heart just splinters, she is already a monster. I feel sorry for the little girl who will end up just like all of us. Why do I feel for her? No one felt for me. How is that sweet little angel already one of us?

Callum smiles down at her and Rowan puts his big hand on her little shoulder, his hands and arms are completely covered in tattoos and it looks wrong against her innocent, clean baby skin. “Yes he did baby, yes he did. Come, let’s go home.”

Rowan picks the little girl up and kisses her. When he puts her down he turns to see me standing there, his expression falls, yes I am her ghost. I know he just sees Cassie. He whispers loudly, “Cassie.”

Callum reaches for me and pulls me closer. “No, Rowan. Shannon – my wife. And Cassie’s sister.” I will always live in the shadow of her ghost. Rowan’s expression changes from shock to concern. “Wife?” He raises a brow at Callum. He shakes his head and starts walking to the gate. Not a term of endearment they both say wife as if I am a disease.
You are a disease Shannon. Look at all the things you have done.
There is no cure for what I carry.

“Yes wife Rowan. We can fill in the blanks later.” They leave the knife and pictures on her grave and we leave. Avery clings to her father’s hand and her pigtails bounce as she walks to keep up with him. She keeps glancing back at Callum and me with a big smile. He just became her hero, what a terrible hero to have.

LAURI LEFT ME A LETTER. She knew he was going to kill her. I wasn’t here to save her. I could have saved her!

Dear Callum,

Firstly where the fuck are you? You are the only person who stood a chance of stopping this and you weren’t here.

I forgive you. I know you’re wrestling your own demons and you wouldn’t leave here unless you had no other choice. This is going to kill him Callum, I need you to remind him how to live. I need you to make sure he looks after our baby. We named her after your mum. Rowan chose the name the day he found out it was a little girl. He misses you, he has no one to guide him when he is lost anymore. You were always his anchor Callum he needs you.

I needed you, now I want you to help him heal. You left him in his darkest hour and he may never forgive you, but he will still need you.

I have some truths to confess to you before I go. I have numbers in my heart now too. Rowan helped me set my darkness free, he let me embrace everything I am. He sets my soul free by showing me both sides of who we are. I have killed and I enjoyed doing it. I know you think I only saw the soft sweet goodness in you. I know who you are underneath that Callum, we cannot deny who we are. We can try find another that matches our darkness, but beware love cannot fix everything, but it can break anyone. Love in our world is the most dangerous thing we can do. Love will kill us, the wounds left by loving someone cannot heal. They bleed every single day. I hope you find your love Callum and I hope she can accept all of you. I hope you can bleed for each other.

Callum, my child will not be weak, sheltered or saved from this life. She must be strong and embrace who we are. I don’t want her to suffer at the hand of a monster, rather make her the monster she will need to be to survive. Rowan will never survive this alone.

Please Callum, come home and love my family like you loved me and Rowan.

Goodbye Sweets

X

Lauri

Her small neat writing ripped my insides to shreds; the guilt of going home to take care of my life when I could have saved hers swallows me up. The guilt and the rage are all I can feel.

As we walk back from the small graveyard where Mick and now Lauri are buried the words of her letter crush the last little bit of my soul. She needed me, he needed me and I wasn’t here. I was there killing them so I could be set free. I will never be set free. I love them all so much it aches all over.

The little girl, I came home to steal, has already taken my breath away, she is so beautiful her eyes are haunting and almost frightening. She belongs to us. I will rather die than let her get hurt, I am already viciously protective of her. I don’t understand it, but the smile of that little angel has just given me hope.
Hope is dangerous Callum, hope is not for us. Hope brought you Shannon and look how that worked out. Stay away from hope!

AS I CRY OVER THE GRAVE of the only person I have ever loved, the same as I do every Sunday. Avery swings in the tree and ‘talks to mommy’, sometimes I wonder if she sees Lauri’s ghost here. The wind rustles the green leaves in the trees that tower over this sacred space. My heart still aches for her, my body misses her touch and my mind plays the memories over and over again. It is like torture waking each day knowing she is gone. “I miss you so much.”

The saying goes better to have loved and lost – bullshit! The pain, of losing her, is far worse than the emptiness of loving nothing. Every time I see my little girl I am reminded of what I had, I didn’t save her. I didn’t keep her safe and now I have to live with the ghosts of my guilt. Avery will be four in just over a month. Four years without her feels like a lifetime.

I only ever feel a little peace here, this place where we can come and talk to her and pretend for just a small while that she is here with us. Not even the pain of Robin’s needles can take away the ache I feel for her anymore I have no skin left to colour my ugly away.

Avery’s swing slows down and I look up to see the face of another ghost. Callum falls to his knees next to me and pulls me into his arms.
Where have you been?
I can see his tears too, he cries with me for a while. “I am so sorry.” He chants over and over again. He loved her too, a different love, but he loved her none the less.

He lets the contents of the envelope he holds fall on the grass between us, a bloody knife and a picture of Renzo Baldini’s dead body lay between us. I know Callum killed him, he did what I couldn’t. He set her free. He did it for me, for my baby and for his sins.