Crystal (42 page)

Tahlia softened. ‘Well, I can’t pretend it won’t be different but if you do your exercises, then it does tighten up again.’

‘I know you think I’m being really superficial – and the most important thing to me is that my baby is okay – but maybe one day I will want to have sex again and all I’m saying is that I don’t want a vag like a multistorey car park.’

Tahlia was about to reply when, to Crystal’s horror, the midwife asked what was concerning her. Crystal was all set to answer that everything was fine when Tahlia said, ‘We were just talking about what your vagina is like after childbirth and about what sex is like once you’ve had a baby.’

Crystal looked at Tahlia in disbelief; her friend was usually so modest about such things.

‘Well, that’s a really good subject for us to talk about,’ said the midwife enthusiastically. ‘But as we’re running out of time, we’ll have to cover it in our next session.’

‘Yeah, right,’ muttered the woman next to Crystal.
‘They’re never going to let on what really happens – it’s a total conspiracy of silence, mark my words.’

Crystal smiled nervously.
God, this childbirth stuff was scary.

As Crystal and Tahlia waited for a taxi Crystal said, ‘I can’t believe you Tahlia! You said vagina in public!’’

‘Well, I think it was important. You saw how much everyone wanted to know about sex after childbirth. I was doing a public service,’ she replied.

‘You go, girlfriend,’ Crystal replied, relieved now more than ever that Tahlia had promised to be her birthing partner. ‘Come on, I’ll buy you a hot chocolate as a reward for saying vagina in front of twenty people. I can’t wait to hear what you’re going to come out with next week.’

Very suddenly, or so it seemed to Crystal, who felt as if time was on fast forward, it was December and her baby was due on the 28th. She had decided not to find out whether she was having a boy or girl, but was convinced that she was having a boy. She was too heavily pregnant to work any more. She had wanted to keep singing but the baby made that difficult because of the way he was lying across her diaphragm, but she had the satisfaction of her album still being in the top ten. The days could feel lonely. She tried to keep busy by shopping for baby things but it was a real effort – and instead of walking she was reduced to waddling slowly everywhere. Plus she hated going into baby shops where every other pregnant woman seemed to have a partner with her. She felt like there was a big arrow pointing down at her saying ‘Single Mum, Failed Relationship’. She would meet friends for lunch; go to antenatal yoga and antenatal aqua classes. Tahlia kept nagging her to ring up some of the women from the antenatal group and meet up for coffee, but Crystal was reluctant. She didn’t want to explain to a stranger why there was no man in her life.

Gavin had gone travelling for six months with Lara so she couldn’t check whether or not Jake was with Phoebe, and she hardly wanted to phone Jake’s parents. She found that her
world suddenly contracted to just her, the baby and her closest friends. She spent her evenings curled up by the fire watching DVDs with Jez, Danni and Tahlia. Luke and Ruby came up for a weekend and took her shopping to buy the cot and the buggy – tasks that she’d put off for so long. She very nearly had everything ready for the baby.

‘I think we should have a baby shower,’ Jez declared on one of his visits. ‘There hasn’t been enough celebrating around this baby.’

Crystal groaned. ‘I don’t think so, Jez.’

‘No, I insist – I’ll sort out the food and the drink – all you need to do is decide who to invite.’ Once he had set his mind on something, Jez was pretty much unstoppable. And so, two weeks before her due date, Crystal found herself at her own baby shower. Jez had ordered her out of the house while he and Rufus got to work. When she returned several hours later, she couldn’t believe the transformation. Jez had bought a huge Christmas tree which they’d decorated with white and silver ribbons and feathers, icicles and cherubs – Crystal hadn’t felt like buying a tree just for herself – they’d hung up silver streamers and balloons with a picture of a pregnant Crystal printed on them – she wasn’t quite so keen on those as the shape of the balloon made her look huge – and they’d put scented candles on the mantelpiece, lit the fire and hung fairy lights all around the room.

Crystal was touched by the effort they’d gone to. ‘It looks fab,’ she said, hugging Jez and Rufus, or rather attempting a hug because her huge bump made that kind of contact impossible.

‘And we’ve got baby quiches, smoked salmon, canapés and chunky chips,’ Jez went on.

‘That sounds divine, but do you know, even though I look the size of a house, I can’t eat that much any more,’ Crystal moaned. ‘I get terrible indigestion, just another horrible side-effect of pregnancy.’

‘Well, you’ve got to eat something. Rufus and I slaved over these for hours. I had to miss spinning to get them done.’

An hour later the guests had arrived and the conversation and champagne were flowing.

‘Crystal, will you open the presents now?’ Leticia said, twirling round in her pink velvet party dress.

‘I will if you help me,’ Crystal said, not really wanting to be the centre of attention. Leticia was only too happy to help, and gleefully ripped off wrapping paper to reveal cute cuddly toys, sweet baby blankets, a mobile, Babygros, a music box and, last but not least, a sex toy. Crystal was surprised to find Jez’s present was a pink vibrator, complete with marabou feather trim and a gold stand.

‘Yes, it’s called a Minx,’ he said knowledgeably – ‘the ultimate chic pleasure maker.’

‘This isn’t a very baby-shower-type of present, is it?’

‘Well, I was thinking of mama. Look, it’s got all those different speeds.’

‘Okay, Jez,’ Crystal said, hastily shoving it back in its box, away from the curious eyes of Leticia.

‘And that’s not all,’ Jez said meaningfully, checking his watch. He was rewarded by the doorbell ringing. ‘I’ll get that,’ he said leaping from his seat and rushing to the door. He returned with a young, extremely good-looking uniformed police officer in tow. Well, he was dressed as one, but frankly everything from his fake-bake tan to his super-buff body screamed stripper.

‘Crystal, this officer says he needs to talk to you urgently,’ Jez said, his mouth twitching.

‘Oh really?’ Crystal replied, thinking that Jez really was the worst liar in the world.

‘Yes, miss,’ the young man replied. ‘I hear you’ve been a very naughty girl.’

‘Well, before you get started, can children please be allowed to leave the room?’ Crystal asked.

Smiling Tahlia stood up and coaxed her daughter out of the room with the promise of chocolate cake, followed by Jim and his daughter Mia. As soon as the door was safely shut, Jez turned up the music and Crystal said, ‘Okay, officer, show me
what you’ve got.’ And to whoops of delight from the guests the stripper whipped off his helmet, tore off his jacket, pulled off his trousers, posed for a while in an indecently small gold G-string – the contents of which had Jez nailed to the spot – before slipping that off, and giving everyone quite an eyeful . . .

Crystal hadn’t laughed so much in ages. Maybe it hadn’t been the most traditional baby shower but she had loved every minute of it. After the stripper had gathered up his things and gone, Jez insisted that everyone fill up their glasses for a toast to Crystal.

‘She’s gorgeous, we all love her to bits, and I know she’s panicking like mad, but she is going to be a fab mum.’ He raised his glass and said, ‘To Crystal’, and everyone raised theirs and echoed, ‘To Crystal.’

Crystal was too overcome with emotion to make much of a speech in reply but she managed a thank you. ‘And now, will everyone please stop making me cry!’

After the guests had gone she put the baby presents away, pausing to put on the musical mobile which played ‘Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star’, and the baby who had been sleeping during the shower woke up and started moving around. Crystal put her hand on her belly – as an arm or perhaps a leg moved against her. ‘Not long now,’ Crystal whispered, ‘I can’t wait to meet you and I
hope
I am going to be a good mum. I know I’ll love you, because I love you now, little one, so very much.’

AT JUST TWO
weeks before her due date, Tahlia insisted that Crystal come and stay with her. At first Crystal refused, saying that she was fine on her own, but one night when her Braxton Hicks contractions were stronger than usual and she thought she might be going into labour she panicked and called Tahlia. And when the offer was repeated, Crystal decided to take it up. She had tried to put on a brave face and said she could cope on her own, but inside she was terrified – not just of the birth but also of afterwards, of being a mum. Would she know what to do? It’s not like her own mum had been much of a role model. All she had done was set an example of everything Crystal did
not
want to be as a mother.

‘We’re all going to help you, Crystal,’ Rosie told her on her first night at Tahlia’s. ‘You mustn’t think you’re alone.’

Crystal couldn’t help comparing Rosie’s attitude with that of her own mother’s. When she’d told her about the baby, her reaction had been typically negative, ‘I would have thought you’d have wanted to concentrate on your singing career,’ she said. ‘It’s not going to be easy having a baby as well. Especially as you’re going to be a single mother, and I should know,’ she added bitterly. Crystal obviously couldn’t expect any support from her, not that she’d want it.

After Tahlia and Rosie had gone to bed, Crystal stayed downstairs a little longer, staring into the dying embers of the fire and wondering where Jake was and what he was doing.
Was he still in the States or back in London? Was he with his new girlfriend? Maybe he’d taken her away to the country cottage that he’d promised to take Crystal to. Maybe they were lying by the fire making love . . . For the past few months she’d tried so hard to suppress her feelings for him, to tell herself that she was over him, that if he didn’t love her then he wasn’t worth her love, but suddenly the pain she felt at losing him felt as raw as it ever had. And she knew that she loved him still. The baby kicked and she found herself whispering, ‘I wish your daddy was here.’

But being with Tahlia and her family reassured her, made her feel less afraid of the future, and for a change Crystal was the one cheering up Tahlia. Hadley couldn’t spend Christmas with her, as his mum was ill, which had bitterly disappointed Tahlia. Crystal had been relying on Tahlia for so long that it felt good to look out for her friend. She also got caught up in the Christmas preparations. She went to see Leticia in her Nativity play, where, to Tahlia’s pride, she had the starring role as the Virgin Mary. She bought presents and helped to decorate the house, or rather watch Leticia do it. Tahlia had given Leticia a free hand to do what she wanted and the result was a living room that looked like Santa’s grotto – an enormous Christmas tree dominated the room, with fairy lights changing colour every few seconds and every branch laden with tinsel, glittery stars, angels, reindeers and baubles – seven-year-old girls clearly did not do minimalist. Giant silver and gold stars were hung from the ceiling and snowmen and snowflakes had been sprayed on to the window in fake snow. Outside Leticia insisted that the two trees in the front garden were decorated with flashing fairy lights and there was an inflatable Father Christmas, sleigh and reindeer in the porch. ‘This is Hampstead!’ Tahlia said in mock horror to Crystal. ‘People are going to think we’re so common!’

‘Let them. Look how happy Leticia is,’ Crystal replied, thinking that her pregnancy hormones were definitely
affecting her as usually she would have agreed with Tahlia. In fact, she would have been the first to point it out.

On Christmas Eve Crystal thought she’d better drop in at her flat, check it was okay and pick up any post.

‘I just can’t believe that this time next year I’ll have a one-year-old,’ she said to Tahlia as her friend drove them across London.

‘Never mind a year! In less than a week you’ll have a baby!’ Tahlia exclaimed.

‘Wow! he heard you!’ Crystal touched her belly where the baby had just delivered a powerful kick.

‘You know that you can stay at mine as long as you want when you’ve had the baby,’ Tahlia told her.

Crystal smiled, ‘Thanks, but you’ve got Leticia and Hadley to think of and we’ve got to learn how to be on our own, haven’t we?’

Crystal had a large pile of post waiting for her outside her flat door. Tahlia picked it up for her and carried it into the flat. It was cold inside and Crystal shivered as she walked into the living room. She sat down on the sofa and went through her post, then froze as she came across a large flat parcel.

‘Oh my God, this is Jake’s handwriting,’ she exclaimed, staring at the parcel.

‘Open it then!’ Tahlia ordered.

Crystal ripped off the paper to reveal a book of photographs. Her heart suddenly felt as if it was beating faster as she gazed at the cover – a black and white picture of herself. She was kneeling up in bed, naked except for the white sheet she was clutching, her hair wild and tumbling down her back, laughing at the camera. She remembered Jake taking it, how she’d begged him not to, saying that she needed to put on some make-up, but he’d taken it anyway and afterwards when he’d printed it he said that it was his favourite picture of her. Wondering what this must mean, she opened the book. Inside there was a message written by Jake, in his bold handwriting –
For my beautiful Crystal, yours forever Jake x

‘Oh, my God!’ she said again. Then she started urgently flicking through the pages, amazed to see that every single photograph was of her – from the moment they met at the first video shoot, to the week before Jake went to New York when they’d gone out for a picnic and it had taken all her willpower not to beg him not to go. The final photograph was of the pair of them together – one of the very few pictures, as Jake hated being photographed. They’d gone down to Brighton for the day to see Luke and Ruby; Luke had taken the picture of them as they sat on the beach, arms round each other, drinking beer. Underneath Jake had written –
‘You and me – how about it? I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to say it but I love you, I always have done, and I always will. You mean everything to me. Do I still have a chance? Call me. Jx