Edge of Chaos (Love on the Edge #1) (28 page)

“And you broke Hail’s rib. You’re lucky only a beer bottle was within my reach and not a knife because I swear to God I would’ve stabbed you.” He opened his mouth, but I cut him off. “Don’t you dare say you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear it. I only came here to see to it that you knew what you’d done to me. To
me
, the girl who stood by your side for years. I can’t believe you took things that far. It proves how toxic I am for you, and you for me. But no more. I’m done. And after what you did, I don’t ever want to speak to you again.”

“I
am
sorry. Not that it counts for anything. I got wasted, listened to Lindsay go on and on about how she thought you and Dash were together now, and I fucking lost it. I didn’t go over to your place with an idea in mind, it just happened. I don’t even remember driving there. And, for the record, in my mind, you were still mine. You’ve always belonged to me.”

I jerked my head to the side. “No. That isn’t how relationships are supposed to work. One doesn’t
own
the other. And Dash and I aren’t together.” Not in any sense he needed to know about. My personal life was no longer his concern.

“I never thought I’d be this guy.” Justin he stared at his scuffed work boots. “I really didn’t, Blake. But I’m pretty sure it’s your fault.”

I shot to my feet, clutching my keys so hard I felt them nick my skin. “Excuse me?”

“You’ve driven me crazy for years. In love and lust, and sometimes I hated you because I knew I was never the man you wanted . . . the man you deserved. Who could live up to your standards?”

“My standards? I stayed with you after all the hell you put me through. The selfish sex, the suicide threats, everything. I didn’t have any standards until I realized how a real man treats a woman.” I practically spat the words. There was no more fight filter in me. I was free and would not spare him any ounce of pain.

“You mean Dash.” Justin stood, too, but kept his distance.

“Yes. He’s shown me more kindness in the short time I’ve known him than you have your entire life. Don’t you get it, Justin? We only brought out the worst in each other.”

“He’s only trying to get into your pants.”

I glared at him, not bothering to respond.

He put his hands up in defense. “Not that I blame him. Not that it matters anymore. You’re right. I hated the person I was with you. Every day, I hated him. I still do. I don’t know if I can come out of it, but now that we’re done, I’ll try.” Well, finally, an instance of brutal honesty. For once he wasn’t spouting bullshit.

“We
are
done. I mean it. Really done. I don’t want one text, one call, or so much as a drive-by from you. Do you understand? I’ll call the police and bring up charges. I should’ve done that already, but the only thing that stopped me is our years’ worth of history. I can easily forget that if you bother me again.” My voice didn’t waiver like I thought it would with my heart pounding against my chest so hard.

“Understood,” he said, not bothering to look me in the eye.

With each word, I took a sledgehammer to the chain he’d had wrapped around my heart for years. “Goodbye, Justin.”

Crack, I’d given the final blow and was absolutely, finally free.

“HOW IS HAIL?”
Mom asked, sliding a third homemade cinnamon roll on the plate in front of me. I sat at her dining room table, spilling my heart out between bites.

“She’s almost completely healed,” I said, smearing the bite on my fork in the melted icing on the plate. It’d taken three weeks, but Hail was back to the normal lazy and loving dog she’d always been.

“That’s good, honey.” Mom took a seat next to me, squeezing my wrist. “I’m so sorry about what you had to endure. I wish you would’ve talked to me. The way he treated you wasn’t right, and sex shouldn’t be like that. It should be about mutual satisfaction. It can be incredible . . . mind-blowing with the right person. I can give you some pointers, so you can tell the next man in your life how to move to get you—”

I jerked my hand up to stop her, color rushing to my cheeks. “No! Please don’t.” Obviously I knew my mother had sex before, but I did
not
need the visual, or the embarrassment that she knew infinitely much more about the subject than me.

“All right, honey, but I’ll be here if you want to talk about it. I’m always here for you.” Her eyes shot down to the table, and the slight hurt in them registered in my heart.

“I know I should’ve come to you. I honestly didn’t even realize how toxic our relationship was until I met Dash.” I’d been blind. Or in denial. I couldn’t decide which was worse—my utter cluelessness on how healthy relationships functioned or the fact that I’d never once questioned if I deserved better.

She squeezed my wrist again before she pulled back and took a sip of her iced tea. “Have you heard from Justin?” She said his name through clenched teeth.

“Not since I shut the door on him forever. Not to mention I threatened to call the cops. We’ve heard the last from him.” I shoved another gooey bite in my mouth.

“I’m so proud of you. You’re finally embracing the strong woman I’ve always known you were.”

She was right; I was strong. And I had a passion that burned hotter than the sun for storms. I hadn’t been able to acknowledge either of those aspects when I’d been blinded and buried in my relationship with Justin. I knew myself better now. The last three weeks had been a revelation where I relished in the freedom and took the time to figure out what I really wanted.

And I knew what that was now. But I couldn’t deny that I’d have baggage for a long time. I couldn’t just blink the past eight years away, or that awful night Hail got hurt, no matter how badly I wanted to. I’d actually contemplated seeing someone to help me work through it, but as of right now I wasn’t ready to dive that deep. If the time came where I needed even more clarity on why I’d stayed with him so long then I wouldn’t hesitate, but for now I was just happy to be . . . me. Really me, with no chains, no expectations, and most of all, no disappointments.

Well, maybe one. I still hadn’t been able to bring myself to cross the line with Dash. I knew I wanted to. Knew my life without him wasn’t nearly as bright as it was with him in it, but he’d given me my space like I’d wanted, and I hadn’t pressed unpause on that yet.

“How is Dash?” Mom asked, as if reading my mind.

I snapped to attention before quickly returning my focus to the plate. I hadn’t told her about what had happened between us.

“He’s fine.” I thought. I’d only heard from him a couple times since I broke things off with Justin.

Once when he called a few days after the incident to check on me and Hail. He’d asked if I needed anything, offering to bring me food or chocolate or whatever would make me happy. I’d wanted to say,
you . . . I need you
, but I couldn’t shape the words with my tongue. Regardless of his acceptance of my need for time, I couldn’t get past all the drama I’d caused him. I didn’t even know how to begin to apologize for it. And when I returned to classes, we kept our distance there as well.

The second time we spoke I’d called to give him my new cell number—I’d changed it for a new start. He hadn’t bothered using it in the days since and really I couldn’t blame him. I’d brought so much drama to his world, he probably needed an infinite vacation.

“Some coincidence, huh?” Mom’s voice cut into my thoughts as she rose from the table and took my cleared plate to the kitchen sink.

I followed her, leaning against the counter with my arms crossed. “What is?”

She scrubbed the plate with a washrag. “That the two of you broke up with your partners in the same month.” Mom arched an eyebrow at me while she grabbed a towel to dry with.

My lips parted and heat rushed to my cheeks, the images of all I wanted to do with Dash pulsing behind my eyes. I clenched them shut, but that only made his body pressing against mine play on HD in my mind. “He’s my best friend, Mom . . .”

She put the dish up and reached for me. I hugged her, sighing into her shoulder. “You know what they say the definition of true love is, honey?” she asked, placing her hands on either side of my face.

I shrugged.

“True love is friendship set on fire.” Mom pushed some hair out of my face and gave me a too-knowing grin. I hadn’t told her everything, but she’d understood regardless.

I STRAIGHTENED UP
at my register trying to focus on the task instead of analyzing the events that occurred since the start of last semester. In that time I had rid myself of the heavy weight of Justin and I could finally do whatever it was I wanted without fear. And yet, his absence wasn’t what left a hole in my chest. It was Dash’s.

I’d grown used to all the time we spent together, and these last three weeks where he’d given me more than enough space, I missed those times more than I missed any moment with Justin over our entire relationship.

The kisses Dash and I had shared burned the back of my eyelids and a flush raked over me. I tried to hide it with my hair as my next customer approached, a young man with brown hair and evidence of a five o’clock shadow. He had pretty blue eyes and was handsome enough. I was a single woman for the first time in . . . well, ever, but no urge to flirt tickled my insides. No curiosity on how his skin would feel against mine.

I handed him his bag of video games and sighed. How could I be newly single and already completely in love with someone else? And why did it have to be Dash? My heart was twisted, locking on to the only person in the world I’d ever considered my best friend—human wise anyway.

Despite my best efforts and all the space and time I’d taken, I’d still come to the conclusion that I loved him. Loved him with every piece of who I really was, and I couldn’t deny that I’d learned more about myself through our friendship than I had any other time in my life. He pulled the best out of me, encouraged me, supported me, and believed in me. And he did this without asking for anything in return, except for a chance at my heart.

I sighed, looking at the clock. The second I got off I would call him and see if he’d meet me. See if he still wanted to take a chance on us. Part of me feared he’d changed his mind, that our time apart had let him realize how damaged I was, or that we were better as friends. I swallowed the fear and reminded myself that I wasn’t that girl anymore, the one who let fear control her life. I was a girl who went after what she wanted, whether that be a tornado or a man.