Emily Post's Great Get-Togethers (23 page)

FOR A WEEKEND STAY (TWO TO THREE NIGHTS)

• Set of cloth napkins and decorative napkin rings
  
• Themed gift basket, such as: playing cards, jacks, board game, crayons and paper, DVD movie, popcorn mix, a current best seller for a “rainy day” basket
  
• Gift certificate to your hosts’ favorite restaurant
  
• Any locally made specialty from your area: Vermont maple syrup, Virginia peanut brittle, New Orleans chicory coffee or pralines, artisanal cheeses, specialty chocolates
  
• Bonsai tree
  
• Set of personalized note cards
  
• Crystal or handmade wood or pottery nut/olive bowl
  
• For an avid cook, a collection of specialized kitchen tools paired with a cookbook
  
• (Monogrammed) linen hand towels
  
• Twelve-pack of the best local brew with (monogrammed) pilsner glasses
  

FOR AN EXTENDED STAY OR FOR THE HOST WHO WENT ALL OUT

• For someone with a cabin in the woods: supplies for your host’s favorite outdoor activity such as fly-fishing, hiking, or camping
  
• For someone with a beach house: (monogrammed) beach towels, hats, sunscreen and/or flip-flops, all packed in a sturdy, (monogrammed) tote bag
  
• Lobster pot, lobster bibs, nutcrackers, corn holders, nice melamine or acrylic plates and utensils, along with a gift certificate to the local fish market
  
• Spa gift certificate
  
• Martini glasses and shaker paired with bottles of top-shelf gin or vodka and vermouth, your favorite martini recipe and the ingredients, and cocktail napkins, olives, nuts, or nibbles
  
• Set of high thread–count sheets with monogrammed pillowcases to match
  

P
art of the fun of entertaining is that it’s a reciprocal thing: You invite guests, and then your guests invite you in return. As important as it is to be a good host, it’s equally important to shine as a guest. So here’s a little polish for your partygoing manners. Being a good guest starts the minute you receive an invitation, whether it shows up in an envelope or in your e-mail inbox.
Mais, oui
, your party manners start even before the event.

RSVP

F
rench for
Repondez s’il vous plaît
or, in English, “Please reply,” these four little letters are the not-so-secret code signaling that your hosts want to know whether or not you can make their event. Most invitations have some sort of reply mechanism—an enclosed response card, a phone number, an e-mail address, or mailing address. Reply promptly, preferably within a day or two of receiving your invitation. It’s a basic courtesy, and will be truly appreciated by your hosts.

Is that Your Final Answer?

Check your calendar carefully before you RSVP, because once you’ve sent your response you’re committed. Changing a “yes” to a “no” is only acceptable if there’s an illness or injury, a death in the family, or an unavoidable professional or business conflict. In such a case, call your hosts right away and explain. Canceling because you have a “better” offer is a surefire way to get dropped from
everyone’s
guest lists, while being a no-show is just plain unacceptable. Changing a “no” to a “yes” is okay only if it won’t upset the hosts’ arrangements. Unless it’s someone you know really well or you know it’s a flexible kind of party—cocktails or a buffet—it’s better to stick with your “no” and hope you’ll be able to make it next time.

“May I Bring...?”

Don’t even ask! Invitations are extended to the people the hosts want to invite—and no one else. If you ask to bring a date, you may spoil her carefully chosen guest list. The biggest offenders in this area seem to be parents who think that their little darlings should be included in grown-up invitations. Here’s the final word on “extras”:

...a date?
Some invitations tell you that you may bring a guest or date. When you reply, say, “I’d love to join you for dinner on the thirtieth. I’ll be bringing Jim Alcott.” (Your hostess is going to love you! Now she even knows your guest’s name—handy for introductions and place cards.)

...my children?
If they were invited, the invitation would have said so. If you can’t get a sitter, it’s best to decline the invitation. This is true not just for formal parties like weddings, but for informal get-togethers as well.

...my houseguest?
If you’re hosting a houseguest and get invited to a party, it’s best to turn the invitation down but explain the reason. This gives your host the option to extend the invitation to include your guests. If the event is casual and flexible, that’s probably what will happen. If it’s a more formal event, extras might upset the game plan.

HOW DO I RESPOND?

Mailed invitation with a phone number:
Call and make sure to give your response in person (even if you left a message on a machine), as answering machines can be unreliable.

E-mailed invitation:
Hit the Reply button.

E-vite:
Follow the directions to reply, and don’t stress out over trumping another guest’s witty response. Most let you reply with a “Maybe” if you aren’t sure—even that’s a help to your host. (See Chapter 4, The Invitation Tells All, page 35, for more on e-vites.)

Phoned invitation:
You can respond right away, or if you prefer not be put on the spot, say, “Let me check my calendar and get right back to you.” Just be sure you do exactly that!

Mailed invitation with a response card date:
Fill in the card and return it in the enclosed envelope. Reply by the indicated.

Mailed invitation with RSVP and no response card:
Send a prompt handwritten reply to the host at the address on the envelope.

Regrets only:
You only need to reply if you
can’t
go. If your host doesn’t hear from you, he’s expecting you to be there!

Of course there are exceptions to every rule. If you receive an invitation addressed to you alone and you’ve recently become engaged or are in a serious relationship, it’s okay to let your host know this. Again, it’s best to decline the invitation and explain why, putting the ball in your host’s court to offer to include your significant other. If your host had a restricted seating plan, he may want to invite another solo guest. If he can fit you and your significant other in as a couple, that’s great—but you should leave this up to him.

Could You Please Bring...

In some parts of the country, almost every acceptance is followed by “...and what can I bring?” Friends who entertain one another frequently usually keep things casual and may even share the cooking, even if one couple is officially hosting. At a potluck supper or family holiday dinner, you may be asked to bring a dish to share. The hostess is usually the organizer, and it’s her job to see that the meal isn’t heavy on salad and light on dessert. Your contribution may be left up to you—or you may be offered a choice (“Would you like to bring an appetizer or a dessert?”) or given an assignment (“Could you please make your terrific mashed potatoes?”). In either case, accept graciously and follow through. Don’t forget to ask your hostess how many people she expects your dish to serve. Bring your contribution in its serving dish, labeled with your name and phone number on the bottom. If you don’t cook or are pressed for time, you can always offer to bring purchased items: cheese, bread, olives, pâté, a premade dish, cookies and ice cream, or a fruit tart from a favorite bakery.

Allergies And Other Special Conditions

I
f you’re invited to a cocktail party, large dinner party, buffet, or reception, it’s probably not necessary to inform your host that you’re a vegetarian, mildly allergic to milk, or diabetic, because there are bound to be a variety of foods to choose from. It’s fine to ask about the ingredients in a particular dish. If it’s a small dinner party, however, or if you’re severely allergic to certain foods or pets, it’s a good idea to let your host know up front when you respond to the invitation.

If you’re allergic to dogs and your allergy can’t be controlled by medication, you might have to forego an invitation to a house that has indoor dogs—there’s only so much cleaning your host can do. Even if you can tolerate them, your host will want to know so that the dog can be kept in another room and extra care be taken when cleaning before the party.

If you have serious food allergies, again, let your host know when you first respond. More than the disappointment of serving a guest something he can’t eat, it really is a question of your safety. Shellfish and nuts, for example, can cause severe, even deadly, reactions.

If your dietary restrictions are based on religious tenets, it may not be practical to accept some invitations. If the invitation is for a small gathering, you can explain to your hostess that you’d love to accept, but that you’ll have to bring a dish you’ve prepared according to your dietary rules—provided that’s acceptable to her. As a large part of entertaining is about being social, many hosts will encourage you to attend and bring your special dish.

If you don’t drink alcohol, it’s fine to ask for water, juice, or a soft drink instead. You don’t have to give a reason unless you wish to. Never feel you have to have to drink alcohol, even if pressed by a host or another guest. The rudeness is theirs, not yours.

How exactly do you let your host know this sort of thing? Simply say, “I’d love to come, but I am completely allergic to shellfish”...“I’d love to come to the barbecue, but I should tell you that I’m a vegetarian. I could bring a tabbouleh salad if that’s all right with you.” Always give your host the option to accommodate you or not. In some cases it may not be possible, so don’t take offense.

What to Wear

OCCASION

Black Tie

MEN

• Black tuxedo jacket and matching trousers
  
• Formal (piqué or pleated-front) white shirt
  
• Black bow tie (silk, satin, or twill)
  
• Black cummerbund to match tie, or a vest
  
• Dressy suspenders to ensure a good fit (optional)
  
• No gloves
  
• Black patent shoes and black dress socks
  
• In summer, in the tropics, or on a cruise:
  White dinner jacket, black tuxedo trousers plus other black-tie wardrobe
  

WOMEN

• Formal (floor-length) evening gown
  
• Dressy cocktail dress
  
• Your dressiest little black dress white shirt
  

OCCASION

Creative Black Tie

MEN

• Tuxedo combined with trendy or whimsical items, such as a black or other colored shirt, or matching colored or patterned bow tie and cummerbund
  

WOMEN

• Formal (floor-length) evening gown
  
• Dressy cocktail dress
  
• Your dressiest little black dress
  
• Fun or unique accessories
  

OCCASION

Black Tie Optional

MEN

• Either a tuxedo (see Black Tie, above) or
  
• Dark suit, white dress shirt, and conservative tie
  
• Dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks
  

WOMEN

• Formal (floor-length) evening gown
  
• Dressy cocktail dress
  
• A little black dress
  
• Dressy separates
  

OCCASION

Semiformal

MEN

• Dark business suit
  
• Matching vest (optional)
  
• Dress shirt
  
• Tie
  
• Dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks
  

WOMEN

• Short afternoon or cocktail dress or
  
• A little black dress
  
• Long dressy skirt and top
  
• Dressy separates
  

OCCASION

Festive Attire (usually for holidays)

MEN

• Seasonal sport coat or blazer in color of choice and slacks
  
• Open-collar shirt or dress shirt
  
• Tie—festive or with a holiday theme
  

WOMEN

• Cocktail dress or
  
• Long dressy skirt and top
  
• Dressy pants outfit or separates
  
• A little black dress
  
• Feature holiday colors and accessories
  

OCCASION

Business Formal*

MEN

• Dark business suit
  
• Matching vest (optional)
  
• Dress shirt
  
• Conservative tie
  
• Dressy leather shoes and dark dress socks
  

WOMEN

• Suit
  
• Business-style dress
  
• Dress with a jacket
  
• Stockings (optional in summer)
  
• Heels, low or high dress socks
  

OCCASION

Business Casual*

MEN

• Seasonal sport coat or blazer with slacks or khakis
  
• Dress shirt, casual button-down shirt, or open-collar or polo shirt
  
• Optional tie
  
• Loafers or loafer-style shoes and socks
  

WOMEN

• Skirt, khakis, or pants
  
• Open-collar shirt, knit shirt, or sweater (no spaghetti straps or shirt décolleté)
  
• Dress
  

OCCASION

Dressy Casual

MEN

• Seasonal sport coat or blazer and slacks
  
• Dress shirt, casual button-down shirt, or open-collar or polo shirt
  
• Optional tie
  

WOMEN

• Dress
  
• Skirt and dressy top
  
• Dressy pants outfit
  
• Nice jeans and dressy top
  

OCCASION

Casual

MEN

• Khakis or good jeans (clean, no holes)
  
• Cargo or Bermuda shorts—depending on occasion and climate
  
• Plain T-shirt (no slogans), polo shirt, or turtleneck
  
• Casual button-down shirt
  
• Sweater
  
• Loafers, sneakers (with or without socks), or sandals
  

WOMEN

• Sundress
  
• Long or short skirt
  
• Khakis or nice jeans
  
• Shorts (depending on occasion and climate)
  
• Plain T-shirt (no slogans), shirt polo shirt, or turtleneck
  
• Casual button-down blouse
  

*Always check and abide by your company’s dress code.

Should I Bring a Hostess Gift?

A
gift for your host or hostess is a lovely way to thank them for their hospitality and is always appreciated. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive; simply consider the nature of the occasion and local custom when making your choice. In some parts of the country, a hostess gift is considered obligatory, while in other places a gift is brought only on special occasions. If it’s the first time you’re visiting someone’s home, then it’s a very nice gesture to bring a small gift. If you have a few extra minutes to wrap it, even if you only use tissue or a decorative bag, it adds to the gesture.

Wine, flowers, specialty food items, and small items for the house all make good hostess gifts. Flowers are terrific too, but if you want to go beyond Etiquette 101, bring them in a simple vase (a glass canning jar is fine). You could also offer to put them in water yourself when you arrive so your host doesn’t have to arrange them. If you bring wine, don’t expect your host to serve it that evening—the wines may have already been chosen for the meal. And don’t bring food for the meal unless you’ve been asked to. Otherwise you risk putting your host on the spot and upsetting the menu. Here are a few tips on what to bring when: