Emily Post's Great Get-Togethers (24 page)

Casual dinner party.
Dinner party guests usually bring a hostess gift unless they are close friends who dine together frequently. Gift possibilities include wine, Champagne, flowers (preferably in a vase), a potted plant, chocolates, specialty food items such as jams and jellies or other condiments, fancy nuts, olives, olive oil or vinegars, or items for the house, such as cocktail napkins, guest soaps and lotions, a picture frame, or a scented candle. A CD or book is also appropriate if you know your host’s taste.

Formal dinner party.
Gifts aren’t usually taken to large, formal dinners.

When there’s a guest of honor.
If it’s a birthday, anniversary, graduation, or shower, bring a gift for the honoree.

When you’re the guest of honor.
Bring a gift for your host or hostess, or send flowers before the party. After the party, send a thank-you note.

Housewarming.
It’s customary to bring a gift to a housewarming. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it should be something lasting for the house. Possible gifts include guest towels, a houseplant, a patio or garden plant, glasses, dish towels, a picture frame, specialty foods like a great olive oil or preserves, or a cheeseboard and/or cheese knives. Update an old-fashioned housewarming tradition of giving salt, and bring fancy sea salt and/or a saltbox or saltcellar. If the housewarming is for a neighbor new to your town, consider putting together a welcome kit containing area maps, the town paper, restaurant menus, bookmarks from your favorite bookstore, transportation schedules, and information on local parks and recreation facilities—anything that will make it easier for her to feel welcome and at home in her new community.

Weekend visit.
Either bring or send a gift. Your gift choice will depend on the length of your stay and how elaborately you’re entertained. While you don’t have to break the bank, your gift should be sincere, thoughtful, and personal. (For gift ideas, see Chapter 15, Hosting Houseguests, page 223.)

Party Manners 101

A
s a guest, it’s your job to display all your positive qualities: enthusiasm, congeniality, consideration, and thoughtfulness. You won’t go wrong as long as you practice the following party manners basics:

Arrive on time.
Anywhere between five and fifteen minutes after the designated start time is okay—but
never
show up early. If you’re going to be more than fifteen minutes late, call your hosts with an ETA so they can decide if they should start without you. (And no, texting doesn’t count! You don’t know that they’ll see it.)

Turn off your cell phone.
While you’re at a party, consider yourself unavailable. If you’re expecting a call or must be reachable, put your phone on vibrate and excuse yourself to another room to take the call. Never use or answer a host’s phone without permission. If you are asked to answer the phone, say, “Scherr residence.”

Be a willing participant.
Take part in—or at least try—whatever your host offers, whether it’s charades, mushroom soufflé, or the opportunity to chat with new people. At a seated dinner, be an active—but not dominant—participant in the conversation, and be sure to spend time chatting with the people on both your left and your right.

Practice moderation.
Try not to overindulge, whether in the shrimp cocktail or the Pinot Noir. You don’t want to imply that the food or drinks are more important to you than the people present.

Unless invited in, keep clear of the kitchen.
Some people love to cook with an audience; others really can’t concentrate. If your host says no, go enjoy yourself at the party.

Offer to help when you can.
Obviously this depends on the circumstances of the party, but where assistance is welcome there are lots of things guests can do to help out: pass hors d’oeuvres, light candles, help serve dessert. If your offer is turned down, don’t insist—just enjoy yourself, knowing you did your best to pitch in.

Don’t switch place cards.
Your host has gone to the trouble to come up with a seating plan. Your spot was chosen especially for you, so enjoy it!

Be considerate.
Wipe your feet before entering. Don’t put your feet on furniture. Use a coaster for drinks. Leave the bathroom neat for the next person. If you’re a smoker and there are no ashtrays, go outside to smoke. If you have a cold or other spreadable illness, call with your regrets and stay home.

Be complimentary.
About the food, the decor, the garden, the company. You don’t have to gush—just be gracious and sincere.

Respect your host’s trust.
Don’t snoop in medicine cabinets, closets, or desks. Take care with your host’s belongings. If you break something, let your host know immediately—and offer to pay for the repair.

Leave with the pack.
Don’t settle in as others are saying farewell, unless you’ve been invited to stay. In general, dinner guests are expected to stay for about an hour after dinner. If you need to leave early, let your host know before the party or when you arrive so they aren’t surprised (or worse, insulted) by your early departure.

Thank your hosts on the way out.
As you’re leaving, make sure to say good-bye and thank you to each of your hosts. If they’re not by the door, seek them out and thank them personally before you go.

Thoughtful Afterthoughts

T
he really thoughtful guest thanks her host twice: once as she’s leaving the party and again the next day. The written thank-you note is always, always appreciated, but is only
expected
after a formal dinner party or an overnight visit. If you don’t send a note, do call or send an e-mail expressing your thanks within a day or two of the party. If someone hosted a party in your honor, or you were a houseguest, or you had an especially enjoyable time, now’s the time to send flowers or a thank-you gift (if you didn’t arrive with a gift in hand).

Tag, You’re it

S
ome invitations—to weddings, balls, official functions, and events you pay to attend—don’t carry any reciprocal obligation. But invitations to social events in someone’s home or a private party hosted at a restaurant or club do call for some sort of reciprocation. This isn’t a quid pro quo. The goal is not to replicate the event you were invited to, but simply to return the hospitality you’ve enjoyed and spend some social time with your hosts. So, a dinner invitation may be returned with an invitation to lunch or a brunch with a barbecue. If your hosts put on a lavish gourmet feast and you’re not an accomplished cook, treat them to an evening out at a favorite restaurant or an afternoon sail and picnic on your boat. An invitation to a private club or beach or to a cultural or sporting event is also a good alternative.

Whatever you decide on, try to arrange to get together within a few months of the original party. If your hosts can’t accept your first invitation, give it at least one, and preferably two, more tries. If you’re still not successful, put the return engagement on hold for a later date.

If you attended a large gathering, include your hosts the next time you entertain in a similar way. However, we don’t recommend throwing one big “payback party” for everyone who’s recently hosted you. This may seem the perfect way to even the social score, but too often your intent will come across as obvious, with your guests recognizing it for what it is. If you’re a popular guest, it’s better to host several smaller parties throughout the year for those who’ve hosted you.

Lastly, if you decline an invitation to a party or dinner, are you still obligated to return the favor? In this case your obligation isn’t as strong—but since the intent was to include you, you should still try to send a return invitation in the not-too-distant future.

Questions for Anna and Lizzie

My friend called and accepted our dinner invitation and then called a few days later and asked if she could bring her kids. What do I say to her?

For some reason, many of today’s parents think their kids are automatically included in invitations to adult parties. You’ll need to practice being graciously firm: “We planned on dinner just for the grown-ups and aren’t including the kids. We hope you can still make it.”

One of my guests brought a date who turned out to be a vegan. Most of my menu was off-limits. I felt bad—what could I have done?

Truly, the fault isn’t yours. It’s important for guests to alert their host ahead of time that they have a food allergy or a specialized diet, or offer to bring a dish prepared according to their restrictions. It spoils the idea of a communal meal when one guest can’t eat the food. That said, if you’re caught off guard, see if there’s any way you can amend your menu: Reserve a portion of salad and dress it with oil, vinegar, and salt, leaving out any cheese, meats, or fish; microwave a sweet or white potato; dress a portion of vegetables with olive oil; serve a beautifully sliced piece of fruit. Remember that while this may be an awkward situation for you, the vegan will be used to having to make choices or abstain when others prepare a meal.

What do I do when a guest arrives at my party and has obviously already had too much to drink?

Here’s a situation where safety trumps etiquette— and any breach of etiquette isn’t yours. You’ve been put on the spot, and there’s no gracious way out of this situation. It’s best to be direct. If your newly arrived guest is in the happy or tipsy phase, collect his hat, coat, and car keys. Don’t serve him any more alcohol during the party, and spread the word among the other guests not to give him a drink either. Even if he seems to have sobered up during the party, give him a ride home or call him a cab.

It’s a week before my party, and I still haven’t heard from several people. Is it rude to call and ask for an answer?

No, it’s not rude; it’s a
must
if you don’t want to be surprised at party time. In fact, it’s rude not to respond to an invitation right away. “Hi, Jim, it’s Tina. I hadn’t heard from you and was wondering if you’ll be able to make it for dinner on Saturday?” Perfectly pleasant, perfectly reasonable request, no finger-pointing. If Jim is still unsure, set a deadline for an answer. “Could you please let me know by Wednesday? Thanks!” And yes, it’s also possible that the invite might have gone astray—and Jim would never have known about the party if you hadn’t called. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is always the kind and considerate thing to do.

I’m not sure if an acquaintance has a significant other or not, and I’d like to send her an invitation to a cocktail party. What should I do?

It’s a must to invite spouses, people who live together, or those in a serious relationship as a couple. You can do a little sleuthing and ask someone who knows her better, or take the direct, sure-to-get-the-right-answer approach and call her. “Gloria, I’m sending you an invitation for a cocktail party and wanted to let you know that I’d be delighted if you want to bring a date.” This gives Gloria the chance to say, “Thanks, Julie, I’m seeing [living with] this really great guy right now.” “Terrific—what’s his name? I’d like to include him in your invitation.”

If a friend calls and asks for a “plus one,” are you really going to say no?

Even though your friend is putting you in an awkward situation, you’re right, you probably aren’t going to say no. Do everything you possibly can to fit the extra person in. If it’s just not possible, tell him exactly that.

As the bartender was setting up at my house, I noticed he had put out a tip jar. I asked him to remove it. Was I right?

Yes, you were. At a private party, tipping is entirely the host’s responsibility, whether the party is at the host’s home or another location. When you hire them, let your help know that you will be responsible for all tips and they shouldn’t accept any money from guests. Your guests shouldn’t have to carry anything more than cab fare in their pockets—everything else is on you.

I had a party and I wasn’t happy with the caterer I hired. How do I discuss this with him, and can I expect a reduction in the bill?

While some people may choose to overlook it and just pay the bill, we think that whenever you are dissatisfied with a service that you are paying for, you should speak up. The key is to have a conversation that’s forthright and respectful. First, take a look at the contract to review what was agreed to. Next, stick to the facts. Make a list of the areas where the service fell short. “The food was lousy” or “Your staff did a really bad job” is too vague. Be specific: The staff was a half hour late; the hot hors d’oeuvres were cold; the food wasn’t fresh; the kitchen wasn’t tidied. Now make your call. Start with what went well, then discuss your concerns over the phone or agree to a meeting. Present your case calmly—no drama!—and be prepared to listen, too. A reputable caterer will most likely offer some kind of accommodation. Your future business and your recommendations are important to him.

How long should I hold dinner for a late guest?

Be flexible, but don’t let a late guest disrupt your party schedule and make your other guests suffer the consequences. Fifteen minutes past the time you were planning to serve dinner is the standard “hold time” for a latecomer. After that, go right ahead and serve dinner as planned. When Mr. Late does arrive, serve him whatever course is in progress. If that happens to be dessert, have a little pity and serve him the main course first.

What should I do if I’m going to be late for a dinner party?

Get on that cell phone, pronto! Call your host, apologize, and provide an ETA. This lets your host know (a) when to expect you and (b) that it’s okay to start without you. When you arrive, offer your apologies again and join the party.
(P.S. Texting isn’t sufficient—speak to your host in person!)

What should I do if my host is serving something I don’t like?

Take a small portion and do the best you can, without making remarks. But don’t feel obligated to finish something you truly hate or that’s making you feel ill!

My husband and I attend many holiday parties hosted by his company and his clients. Should I write a thank-you note to the hosts?

Absolutely! Adding a personal touch is so appreciated by the people who organize or host business parties. If it’s a company party, your husband should send a thank-you note to his boss or department head. If a client is hosting, he should write to the person he works with at that company. Taking the time to write a personal, handwritten note is sure to be noticed by your husband’s boss or client. Not only is it the gracious thing to do, but it also makes good business sense. And in general, the best answer to “Should I write a thank-you note?” is always yes.

We’ve been invited to several holiday parties this year, some on the same day or evening. Is it okay to “double book”?

This is one of those times when it’s fine to double book and go from one party to another. The casual, drop-in nature of most holiday parties makes this perfectly okay. Just be sure you do each event justice—a lightning-quick drop-by simply doesn’t cut it. And don’t double book when you’ve been invited to a dinner party or a small gathering with a set time to arrive and a limited number of guests.

I’m planning my son’s second birthday party. Is it okay to put his clothing size and the activities he likes on the bottom of the invitation to help guests with gift ideas?

No. Other than “No gifts, please,” don’t include any gift suggestions on an invitation. Mentioning gifts on the invitation puts the focus on the gift, not the guest. It’s his presence that is important, not the present. Those who want gift suggestions or sizes should ask when they RSVP.

My kids are invited to so many birthday parties that it’s impossible to go to all of them. What’s the gift-giving protocol when you don’t attend a party?

You don’t have to give a present if you miss the party. It’s not expected, and doing so could put a big dent in your wallet. However, if the party is for a cousin or a close friend, your child could still give a gift either before the party or at their next get-together.

My child has been invited to a joint birthday party for siblings. He only knows one of the children. Should he bring a gift for each?

No; it’s really not expected. He should bring a gift for his friend. It’s nice to bring a card for the other birthday child to acknowledge her day, too. However, some people feel uncomfortable about not bringing a gift for the second child. In that case, an inexpensive gift or a gift certificate toward books, movies, or ice cream will do the trick.

My husband and I recently moved to a resort town. It seems like everyone we’ve ever met has asked to come for a visit. I’m already tired of scheduling visitors and changing sheets. How can I make it stop?

Just say no. It’s better for your friendships if you’re straightforward, rather than being a reluctant host. Say: “We’re so busy with our jobs right now, we’re not having guests until things let up.” Or “I can’t commit to anything right now, but I can give you the name of a nice inn down the road. We’d love to get together with you for dinner.” Or “I’m sorry, but we have family visiting then.” Just be truthful in whatever explanation you offer. You don’t have to give a specific reason, but saying that you’re “unable to commit to having visitors” can soften the blow. Be careful, too, when talking about your new town, not to sound as though you’re extending an invitation unless you mean to. And when you do take on houseguests, set parameters—even for family and A-list friends. A two- or three-night limit usually works best
.

When I’m visiting someone for the weekend, how can I gracefully excuse myself for a while to give us both some space?

As long as you don’t do it in the middle of dinner preparations or a planned activity, you’ll probably make your hostess’s day if you disappear for a couple of hours so she can regroup, take a nap, or simply not feel obligated to entertain you for a while. Just say, “Jenna, all this sea air has wiped me out—would it be all right with you if I took a nap?,” or “If you don’t need me for an hour or two, I think I’ll drag out my laptop and check my e-mail,” or “That hammock looks so inviting—if nobody else has claimed it for the next hour or so, I’d love to try it out with the book I’ve brought along.”

Is the host responsible for providing all of the meals for houseguests?

Normally that’s the standard, but you also need to take the length of stay into consideration. With an overnight or weekend guest, the host pays for the groceries. If a houseguest is staying longer than that, he should offer to contribute to or split the grocery bill and come to an arrangement with his host. It’s fine for a guest to treat the host to a restaurant meal as a thank-you for the visit. Otherwise, decide how to handle any restaurant bills ahead of time. The host should make it clear that he’s treating, if that’s what he’d like to do, or it should be clear that the bill will be split. If a restaurant is proposed that seems to be out of a guest’s budget, he should let his host know: “I’m sorry, it looks great, but I think Chez Antoine is a little out of my reach. Is there someplace else we could go?”

My mother-in-law never lets me help in the kitchen when we visit. I hate not pitching in. What can I do to contribute?

Don’t take it personally: Some people prefer to work solo in the kitchen. And remember, the kitchen’s not the only place where you can help out. Offer to run errands, set the table, walk the dog, or just keep her company while she preps the meal.

My host has slippers by the front door and asks everyone to remove their street shoes. Is that rude? What should I do?

In some cultures and some parts of the United States, especially where the weather’s snowy or wet, it’s considered polite to remove your street shoes or boots when entering someone else’s house so that mud and dirt aren’t tracked in, and most guests bring “indoor shoes.” Other reasons to remove shoes are to protect hardwood floors or to keep a cleaner environment when there are young children who crawl or play on the floor. Considerate hosts, especially if they insist on shoe removal, will keep a basket of clean socks or slippers by the door in case a guest forgets to bring them. Whatever the motive, though, we recommend that you go with the flow and let your feet enjoy a little coziness.

I was at a party recently and knocked over my wineglass. Not only did I spill red wine all over the tablecloth, I broke the glass as well. What should I have done?

In this situation, an immediate “I’m so sorry” and damage control are the first things you should do. Assist with the mop-up—use paper towels and sponges (or whatever your host prefers to use) rather than your napkin. After dinner, find a moment to talk to your host privately. Offer to work out a way to make it right that’s within your means: Pay the cleaning bill for the tablecloth, purchase a replacement wineglass if it’s feasible to do so, or help with a repair. If your host refuses to let you, leave it at that and include an apology in your thank-you note.