Evernight (The Night Watchmen Series Book 2) (25 page)

All I can do is collide with this train wreck of reality and hope that I come out on the other side in one piece.

I knew they had been taken. I knew they were in the Underground. But never once did I think Jaxen had anything to do with it. Never once did I question that he knew more than he was telling me. I thought we had made it past the point of secrets. Past the point of cover-ups.

I was wrong.

I don’t move his arms off me when he wraps them around me from behind. I feel his head lean against mine, almost as if he needs me for the support. He sucks in a ragged breath, and conflict battles within me.

“I love your parents, Faye. Maybe even more than I love my own. I wanted to tell you what I knew so many times.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

He swallows hard. “Because I didn’t know how to say it. I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t tell you, because telling you would make it real. It would make the fact that I couldn’t protect them real.”

He takes my face in his hands and begs me to look at him, but my eyes are so heavy, stuck on a spot on the ground.

“I’m so… I’m so pissed at you right now. So angry, Jaxen.” Just the admittance makes me feel a little better. “I get what you’re saying—that it was hard for you—but you should have told me. That truth should have been brought up from your lips, not Clara’s.” I pause, sucking in a huge breath as realization slams into me. “I think that’s what’s eating me up the most.”

His gaze falls.

I want to yell, scream, and cry away this awful feeling that gnaws away at the bones protecting my heart, but I can’t. I can’t because I’ve come to realize something about Jaxen Gramm. Something that, if spoken aloud, would change the dynamics between us forever.

I can’t because I love him, and no matter what mistakes he makes, I know he loves me too, and he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. Not like this. This was Clara’s attempt at breaking me once again, and I won’t let her take him from me. Not again.

“I’m so sorry, Faye. I tried to stay away from you. I tried to push you away because of what had happened, because of my own guilt, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t.” He turns my face to meet his endless green eyes, which are drowning in turmoil. They’re so terribly sad that it’s killing me inside. “You’re the light I never thought I’d see. I couldn’t give that up. I won’t. Ever.”

“I don’t understand,” I manage to say, biting my lip to keep it from trembling. To keep the quake of tears away. “What made you feel so guilty that you couldn’t tell me?”

He plunges a shaky hand through his hair and tugs. He’s struggling to find the right words that will fix this. “I’m guilty for the reason
why
I couldn’t protect your parents.” He sucks in a breath. “Right before I met you, Gavin, Cassie, Jezi, and I were on a mission—one right before we were assigned to the one with your parents. We had to bring a club ran by a demon down. That demon tried to propose a deal and offered us a spell that would supposedly break the Gramm curse. I didn’t believe it, but I couldn’t say no for a number of reasons, most of which revolved around saving my brother. But the stipulation was that we needed a Witch’s blood in order to complete the spell. A blood sacrifice to be exact. None of us were willing to go out and kill a Witch just to serve our own needs, so I thought the coast was clear.”

The strain in his voice tears at every string of strength holding me together. I reach out and caress the side of his face, tracing the lines of sadness, wishing that my fingers had the magic to erase them. But no amount of magic can fix a crippled soul. Only love can, and that’s what I intend to give him.

“But shortly after the encounter with the demon, we were put on the assignment with your parents, investigating a corrupt Witch who was supposedly dabbling in affairs with Bael. Mack made it clear that if we found this Witch to be a traitor, then we could use him to perform the ritual for the spell.

“I tried to keep us from doing it, but Gavin and Jezi were relentless, and I was… I was weak. I gave in because, deep down, I didn’t want to die. So we went through with the spell, only to find out that the demon had indeed lied. We killed another of our kind for nothing. We committed a crime. It wasn’t until the next day, the day of the Culling, that I found out about Russell and Mary.”

I try not to wince when he says their names. I don’t want to see my mother’s loving face, with her hair held back by a pencil, or my dad’s proud smile. But for all my efforts, I fail miserably. My heart shrivels up further, and I’m suddenly scared there can be no remedy. No redemption for my hopeless situation.

“I don’t understand though… how did that keep you from saving them?”

“Because I knew they were going after the other person involved— someone on the Priesthood—and instead of finding them and stopping them, I was performing the ritual, taking the law into my own hands, killing one of my own for my own needs. I accepted Russell’s insistence that he and Mary continue on without us because it was the right thing to do, and it would keep us safe, only because I
wanted
to perform the ritual.”

“He would say that,” I say, my voice distant. I don’t look at him. I don’t want to see the uncomfortable sympathy swimming in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Faye. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for this to happen.” He buries his face in his hands, sucking in a ragged breath.

Without thinking, I pull him into a hug and tuck my face into his shoulder. He smells so warm and inviting. I wish I could stay like this forever. Safe and warm. “It’s not your fault, Jaxen,” I finally say, feeling the confines of disappointment breaking away.

He stills. “Yes, Faye. I could have—”

“What?” I say, cutting him off. Leaning back, I find his green eyes. “You could have stopped my father? My mother? Do you not remember them? They were stern, Jaxen. Set in their ways. They were devoted to the Coven, and to every single mission they accepted. There was nothing you could have done to stop what happened.”

“I could have destroyed the spell. Insisted that I join them when they confronted whoever was involved on the Priesthood. Talked to Mack—”

“No.”

He stops, his eyes scrunching in confusion.

“What happened, happened, and it happened for a reason,” I continue, trying so hard to believe my own words. “That’s the way life works and, once you accept that, then you can finally heal. Move on. Find some form of happiness in your life.”

Reaching out, he caresses my face, his other hand resting comfortably on my shoulder. He leans forward until his forehead is resting against mine. He’s a breath away, and it suddenly feels too far. Too distant. I grab him by the collar and pull him in for a kiss. A soul-saving kind of kiss. Passion explodes behind my lips as I weave every broken piece of him back together.

When he pulls back, he licks his lips and his eyes settle on mine. “I don’t deserve you.”

My heart skips to the stars. “Yes, you do.”

The left side of his mouth lifts, then the right, and then he’s wearing a full-blown smile. The kind that could change the world. “You’re amazing.” He kisses me, slower this time, instilling every bit of his words.

My thoughts become clouds drifting in the sky, riding the tail of an afternoon breeze. I can’t stop them; I can only drift with them, letting them take me into the unknown. His fingers lace through my hair until he’s gripping the back of my head, holding me so tightly. I lavish in the lightness spreading through my chest. Clara didn’t win. Through all her cruelty and hateful words—

I pull away from him as a cold jolt of realization strikes me. “She made you do it.”

“Huh?” he asks, his lips inches from mine.

It takes a moment for the fuzzy memory to straighten out. For the words to separate from the blood she spilled on my behalf.

“She said it… right before you saved me. When she wanted me to kill Jonathon. She said she made you murder one of your own. Why would she say that?”

He flinches back a little, his eyes pressed in question. “What are you talking about?”

“You said you killed one of our own. She wanted me to do just that to test out my ability. To gain control of it. When I lost it, I asked her if that’s what she really wanted, and she said she got you to do it. The Witch you killed for the sacrifice… he was the only one you killed, right?”

I don’t like the shades of color that drain from his face. “Yes,” he says slowly as the truth makes its appearance.

“And you said that my parents never mentioned who it was on the High Priesthood that drove the Witch to do the things he did.”

He drags a hand over his mouth, his eyes distant, searching through memories. “Your mother mentioned that it was a female…”

My heart pounds as the pieces click in place. “It was Clara. I feel it in my bones. It has to be,” I say, jolting out of my seat.

He pulls me back down. “Even so, we can’t just storm in front of the High Priesthood and accuse Clara without any evidence. Seamus is on our side, but you saw Edgar. There are many more on her side that pull weight. Probably more than we know of.”

“So, let’s gather enough evidence then,” I say with conviction, feeling for the first time as if things are shifting in my favor. Like my place is forming within me.

His eyebrows dip and his voice drops. He looks all around us, checking for any who could be listening. “What are you talking about, Faye? How can we do that? We have to prepare for the seal. You heard Seamus. You’ve seen the news… what the Darkyns are doing. We can’t let him down. We can’t let the Coven down.”

“You said you wanted to make this right,” I say, biting my lip, knowing that I’m about to use his own guilt against him. “If you meant it, then help me figure out who that lady was my mother spoke of. Help me finish what my parents started.”

He plunges a hand through his hair, blowing out all his pent-up thoughts. I don’t know how I can be so exhilarated and sad at the same time. Thinking of my parents is the worst pain ever, but knowing that I can do something in their honor… do something that could potentially save them… I can’t pass it up.

When I find his eyes, my heart freezes up. He looks so unsure… so uncertain.

“I just don’t think we’ll have enough time to squeeze in an investigation, Faye. Not of that magnitude.”

I take in a sharp breath. Ponder his words. Kick myself for knowing that I’m manipulating him. It’s wrong. I know it’s wrong, but I can’t stop. I won’t. Not until my parents are avenged.

“We’ll make time,” I finally say, deciding I’m not going to pass this up. “And we’ll find a way. I understand if you don’t want to be involved, and I won’t hold it against you, but I have to do this, Jaxen. I have to. She has to be stopped.”

I see the relenting in his eyes and feel myself breathe out in relief.

“You’re not going to give this up, are you?” he asks, leaning in to kiss me on the forehead. He throws an arm over my shoulder and pulls me into him.

“Would you if the roles were reversed?”

He chuckles. “No.”

I press my face closer against him, basking in his warmth and his scent. “This feels right, Jaxen. I know she had something to do with it.”

“Yeah, well, let me figure something out before you go making any rash decisions, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Promise?”

“Yes.”

He pulls me back into a hug. “This wasn’t what I had in mind for our first date.”

“When does anything ever work out the way it’s supposed to?” I say. “If I had to pick between a romantic evening, and finding out who was behind my parent’s disappearance for a date, I’d take the latter any day. I’m spending time with you and hunting at the same time. It’s a productive date.”

I hear the smile in his voice. “That sounds exactly like something your parents would say. And I mean that as a compliment.”

“I know,” I say, snuggling closer to him.

He sighs again. “Come on,” he says, pulling me up to stand. “We should get some rest before we start tomorrow. You’re going to need it.”

“That bad?”

He smirks, and my heart pumps out of sync. “Nothing you can’t handle.”

T
HE NEXT MORNING, I MEET
Jaxen outside my room and we head down into the city for breakfast. Sunlight wraps the city in gold. The sound of the water sloshing up against the high walls is calming. Moving around like just another person feels almost unreal. I never thought I’d have my independence back. That my feelings would ever be considered.