Face the Music (57 page)

I gave him an enormous smile.  I wanted so badly to run and be in his arms, but I held back.  First
,
we had to talk things through.  “
Are you having a nice time
?”
I asked.

His face resembled the mask- frozen and inexpressive.  He stood tall as
his eyes ran over my costume. 
“Fabulous.” 

The word fell flat, making me question the difficulty of my task.   For the first time since making the decision to come here, I realized this wasn’t going to be easy.  I had imagined a much warmer reception.  Nevertheless, I gathered my courage
and walked to the railing.

“I miss you,” I began.
 

He stare
d
out into the dark
night
. 

I continued, and o
nce I got going, everything just poured out.  “
I made a mistake.  I thought I wasn’t ready, for us, but these past few months have been pure torture.
” 
 

He ran his hand back and forth over his head, but didn’t look at me.

I went on, “
Your face and your voice, they’re everywhere.
 
I thought I would be able to get over you.  I’ve tried, Heaven knows, but I’ve realized something now.  I don’t wan
t to.  I don’t want to just forget.
”  I studied his face, but it revealed nothing.

I took a breath and made myself go on. 
“I love you
.  I always have.  Last spring I tried to do what I thought was best, but
now I see…”  My voice cracked. 
I reached into my clutch and pulled out the fortune Chris had refused to read to me the night at the Chinese re
staurant.  I set it on the rail
,
and
,
with one finger, slid it to him. 

He stared at it. 

I looked around in the silence, unsure of what else to say.

“You said you needed space.”

My heart thudded at his angry tone.  “Yes, I did, but…”

“Damm
it, Allie!”  His cold stare forced an icy chill down my spine.  “I
only
left because that’s what you wanted.  I would have g
iven
it all up for you, but now,” he dropped his eyes,
“i
t’s too late.  I’ve move
d on
.  I suggest you do the same
.”

He paused, and for a fraction of a second
,
I thought I saw a glimpse of the warm, loving man I once knew, but his cold, unforgiving expression quickly returned.  He went inside and disappeared into the crowd. 

I stood there, frozen in shock, for several minutes.  I had neve
r even considered this outcome. 
I had been so confident that everything would work out. 

It took only seconds
be
for
e
reality sank in. 

It was really over.  H
e was lost to me forever. 

I stared into the black night and fell to my knees as the tears began to flow.  My mind, rapidly closing to all emotion except grief, was blind to any outside stimuli.  I heard no sounds, saw only the darkness that lie ahead, felt only the pain.  Sitting on the cold stone floor, I hugged my knees to my chest and sobbed. 

In that state, time ceased to exist. 

At some point, though I have no idea how much time had passed, I opened my eyes and saw Emily kneeling beside me. 

“
Hey,
” she whispered again and again, shaking
my
shoulders. 

I forced myself to focus on her face. 

“
W
hat happened?” 

I heard her words
,
but was unable to make any sense out of them.  It was like al
l synapses had stopped firing.  N
othing was getting in or out.  I closed my eyes and shook my head, and she sat with me, holding me to her chest and rocking back and forth. 

The door opened slightly.  A sliver of bright light shining through the crack made me look up. 

Jake poked his head through
the opening.  “Everything okay out here? 
Allie!  What’s the matter?”  He knelt beside me, taking my hands into his own and peering into my vacant expression. 

I shook my head, still unable to form the words. 

***

I have no idea what happened after that.
The next time I opened my eyes
I was on my bed.  Muted voices came from the kitchen. 

My entire body ached.  It was as if some unseen force wa
s holding me to the bed.  I lay
there and listened, trying to make sense out of what was happening. 

Chris.

M
emories
struggled to free themselves from the recesses of my mind
, but somehow I found the strength to push them back.  I didn’t want to remember.  The force that held me to my bed finally released, and I got up.

Emily and Jake were at the kitchen table.  They stopped talking and looked up as I shuffled in. 

“Honey, are you okay?”
Emily whispered, flashing Jake a worried look. 

I pulled a glass down from the cabinet and filled it with water.  My hands were shaking so hard that I was barely able to get it to my lips.

“W
hat happened
last night
?” she asked.

I set the glass down and looked at her.  She and Jake looked back, waiting for me to explain. 

He told me to move on. 

The words were clear enough in my head, but I couldn’t force them out of my lips.  My shoulders slumped, and I leaned against the sink.

“Allie, please say something,” Jake urged from across the room.

“It’s over,” I finally whispered. 

Their disappointed looks told me that they wanted more of an explanation, they wanted to understand what was causing me to behave so irrationally, but I said nothing else and went back to my room.

I looked down at the broken butterfly wings that were lying on my floor and thought about my life now.  A life without Chris.  At least I had my job.  And Emily and Molly, too.  And Jake.  School.  I still had all of these things that a few months ago seemed like all I needed.  Yet
,
I was miserable. 
V
acant. 
And it was my fault.  All my fault. 
The irony
of it
didn’t escape me. 

Chapter 31

A week passed by, and I still felt hollow inside.  Empty, all alone.  It was worse than after Mom or Grams died.  This was a different kind of loneliness.  My heart actually hurt. 

Sleep became a luxury I could no longer afford.  Most nights I would lay in bed and watch the hours pass by, praying for an hour or two of rest.  I was up at the first light of dawn.

Emily was in the kitchen, picking at a whole-wheat bagel.  She had just gotten home from working a double shift.  “Hey!”  She tried to act cheerful, but I could see the concern behind her smile.

I picked up the newspaper and sat across from her without saying a word, a habit I was becoming all too comfortable with.

“So I talked to Jake yesterday,
” she began, watching my reaction.  “I guess he made quite a scene at the hotel the other night.”

“Why, what happened?”

“
Accordi
ng to him, he gave Chris a well-
deserved ass-chewing
.”

Something inside me said that I should have cared, maybe even been a little angry that Jake would take it upon himself to become involved in my business, but I wasn’t.  There wasn’t much that could upset me anymore.  I was too numb. 

“What did he say?”  I only asked for the sake of making conversation.

“I don’t
know.  He didn’t tell me much,
just that they ‘had words’.”

Emily waited for me to react, but I only shrugged.  “Oh well, I guess it doesn’t really matter.  It’s not like I’ll ever see him again.”

I was still in shock over the fact that it was over.  Chris was gone.  He had moved on and told me to do the same. 

Maybe he was right.  Maybe I just needed to move.  I wasn’t happy
and didn’t know that I ever could be again, at least not here, not like this.
 
I could get away from this place and all these memories.  Go out and ge
t a fresh start somewhere else.

I spent a lot of time over the next couple of days daydreaming about different place
s.  I could go anywhere.  The fa
rther the better.  But where?  It’s not like I had any connections.

When Paul called
,
everything just sort of clicked.  It felt right, like maybe things actually did happen for a reason.  Maybe Chris and I weren’t supposed to be together after all.

“I’m ready,” I heard myself say.  “If you’ll still have me, I’m ready to come.”

“I’ve been waiting so long to hear you say that,” he s
aid.  “I’m so happy right now.  W
e’re going to have a wonderful life together.”

I heard the screeching of tires in my head.  “Whoa, hold on.  I’m not ready to dive into a relationship.  I need time.  I just want to get away from Chicago.  Do you think you could find me an apartment?”

“If that’s what you want.”

“It is.  I’m taking things slowly, okay?  Day by day.”

“Alright.”

“Let me know when you find something.”

***

“Em, what would you
say if I went away for awhile?”

She put down her fork and studied me.  “What are you talking about?”

“There really
isn’t anything holding me here.  N
ot anymore.  I could go someplace new, start over.”

“Where?”  She was cautious in asking.

I blew out a long breath before telling her my plans.  I knew she wouldn’t approve.  “I asked Paul to find me an apartment in Toronto.”

The color drained from her cheeks.  “You did what?” 

“I have to get away,” I said.  “I didn’t know where e
lse to go.  He’s really excited.
”

She stood up and walked circles around the kitchen.  “Don’t talk to me about this.”  Anger washed over her face.  “You know how I feel about him.”

“I know, and I’m sorry
.  I just can’t stay here.  I need a change.”

“When?”