Face the Music (59 page)

Tears stung
my eyes.  “I’m sorry
.  We’ll stay in touch though, okay?  I’ll have my ce
ll, so you can call me anytime,
day or night.”

He stood and looked at me, slowly shaking his head.  “Do you need any help?”

“No, it’s all taken care of.  The movers are coming around noon.  My flight leaves at three.”

“I could go with you
to the airport,” he offered
. 

“Sorry
.  I think it’s best to make a clean break.  Let’s not make this any harder than it has to be, okay?”

A deep sadness reached his eyes.  “So this is it, then?  This is goodbye?”

Tears streamed down my cheeks.  “
I guess it is.
  Thank you for everything.  You’ve been such a great friend to me.”  He hugged me tightly and then turned and left without looking back. 

The next morning was harder than I ever could have imagined.  Emily was pacing the living room.  She was crying and looked like she’d been up awhile.

“Emily?  Are you alright?”

She turned to glare at me.  “You really have to ask me that?  A
m I alright?  What do you think
?  Do I look alright?”  She looked terrible.  Her hair was a knotted mess, and her bloodshot eyes were swollen.

I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands.  “I know this is hard for you.” 

She sat down next to me, her voice cynical.  “You have no idea how hard
this is for me! You’re leaving!
  Has that sunk in for you yet?”  She softened when I cringed.  “I see you’ve got everything packed.  What time are you
going
?”

“My flight takes off at three,” I whispered.  “But I’m leaving early.  I have to say goodbye to Mom.”

She stared at me, a blank expression covering her face.  “You what?”

“Nothing.  I just have some things I need to do before I go.”
I glanced up at the clock.  I
t was almost eight.  Only a few more hours.  “Where’s Molly?”  My heart cracked at the thought of saying goodbye to her.

“She’s still asleep.  You really have to do this?  You really have to go?”

“I have to try.  But
,
who knows, maybe I’ll hate it.  Maybe I’ll be back.”

“One can always hope,” she said sourly. 

“T
hanks for your support.”

“Oh, you know I don’t mean it.  I just can’t believe this is happening.  I’m going to miss you so much!”  She reached over and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.  “I wish you never met Chris Knots.”

I wiped the tears off my cheeks and got up to get dressed. 

Molly woke up shortly after that and came into my room.

“Mama said you’re leaving.”  She rubbed her sleepy little eyes.

I scooped her up and held her close.  “Yes, I’m going away for a little while.  I love you
,
baby girl.  I will miss you so much.  You be a big girl for your mommy, okay?”  She put her arms around my neck and squeezed hard. 

“Love you too, Auntie Allie.” 

My heart was breaking.  I forced myself to concentrate on the warmth of her skin, the smell of her hair, anything but the looming goodbye.

I held her for a minute longer and then put her down so I could finish getting ready.  I had to go.  Prolonging it only made it harder, and I didn’t trust myself to stay strong.  I shoved the rest of my things in a travel bag, slipped on a pair of shoes, and looked at my room.  Aside from the stacked boxes, it was completely empty. 

Emily stood up when I got to the living room, her face twisted in agony.  “You’re leaving?  Now?” 

I nodded. 

“But your flight doesn’t leave for hours!”

“I know.  I just have some things to do.  I’ll call you when I get there.”  I swallowed hard, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat.  “Goodbye, Em.”

Chapter 32

I went to the Butterfly Haven and sat on Mom’s bench.
  It felt strangely comforting. 
I hadn’t sat there since she was alive, but today I was drawn to it. 

I stayed awhile, watching the flutter of the tiny insects while using my sleeve to wipe away the tears that brimmed in my eyes as I thought about what lie ahead.

I was doing the right thing, wasn’t I?  The past few months had been so hard.  I needed a fresh start.  I deserved that, didn’t I? 

I longed to have my mom there to talk to.  Folding my hands in my lap and closing my eyes, I imagined the conversation we’d have. 

She would tell me that I could do anything.  She’d say I was strong and independent and didn’t need anyone to tell me what to do.  These things were all true, but I didn’t want to have to be alone, which is how I felt.  Independence shouldn’t be lonely. 

A yellow butterfly landed on my knee.  He crawled onto one of my fingers, and
,
as I examined him, I thought about how much my life had changed this past year.  It was time to free myself from my shell, time for me to spread my newly found wings and take flight.   I’d been through my own transformation, and it was time for me to put the past behind me and move forward.

For one last time
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, savoring the fragrance of the room.  If only s
omeone could bottle that smell,
sweet gardenia hinted with the perfume of wild rose.  It was so comforting, and I was saddened to think that I wouldn’t be able to just stop by anymore.  I’d be too far away. 

I looked around the room, trying to forever engrain the vision in my memory.  The gentle waterfall, the eno
rmous blooms, the rocky walls.  T
here were so many details to remember. 

My breath caught in my chest when I saw Chris.  He was sitting on the bench we’d shared last spring, watching me.  Our eyes met, and his face lit up with a dazzling smile. 

I’d had this hallucination once before.  Not trusting my senses, I looked away and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to clear his image from my mind. 

When I opened them again he was standing in front of me.  “I learned a couple new words,” he said.  “Borboleta.  That’s butterfly in Portuguese.  Vlinder.  Dutch. 
We’ve
got a whole list going now.”  He spoke quickly, as if he was trying to get it all said.  “Borboleta, Mariposa, Papillio, Vlinder, and this.”  He hooked his thumbs together and flapped his hands in sign.

I stared at him, confused. 
Why was he here?

As if he read my mind, he answered, “I heard you were leaving.”

I tore my eyes away from him and settled my gaze on the ground.  “I’m going to Toronto.”

“Is that what you want?  To be with Paul?”  His voice was smooth as he fixed those velvet
ly
brown eyes on me.

I shrugged, avoiding his gaze.  “I don’t know.  There’s just nothing here for me anymore, now that Grams is gone.  So I’m leaving.”

“Just like that?” 

“Yeah, Chris, just like that.  I’m sure you understand.”  I stood, annoyed that he was there, ruining my last moments.  My flight didn’t leave for another couple of hours, and I had no desire to share that time with him.  It was pure agony.  “I better get going.  I have a plane to catch.”

He took my hand and gave me one of his heart-throbbing looks. 

My determination wavered.  “Chris, I’m sorry, but I don’t think…”

“I owe you an apology.”  He
took my hands and
pulled me down so that
we were seated on the bench
.  “The truth is
,
I’ve been miserable ever since that night in the playground.  I thought I had finally gotten it under control, but when I saw you at the ballgame last spring, with that guy, and then again at the benefit concert last month
, it was just too much
to think you’d moved on
.
”

“What?”
  I hadn’t seen him at the concert, except when he was on the stage.  Charlie and I were too far back for him to have seen us.

“The kids told me they’d talked to you,” he explained.  “I had to see you for myself.  I finally found you, standing in the middle of a rainstorm.  The way you stood there, with your face lifted to the sky, you looked like an angel.  Your shirt clung to your body, and you reached up and ran your fingers through your hair.  It about drove me mad.”  He
closed his eyes as though he was
picturing it.  “In that moment
,
nothing else mattered.  The past was forgotten.  I was on my way to beg you to have me
back
when a streak of lightening flashed across the sky.”

So it hadn’t been a hallucination.  I really
did see
him
that night
.

He sighed and looked at the wall.  “That guy you were with grabbed you and pulled you out of the rain.  You seemed so happy.  That’s all I ever wanted for you, so I turned and walked away.”

“There was never anything going on between me and Charlie.”

“I didn’t know.”

I tried to picture him standing there, watching me that night.  “If only you had said something.  Things could have been so different.”

  “
And at the masquerade,” he continued
as thought he hadn’t heard me
.  “You se
emed so confident and happy. 
I despised you for it. 
I was so angry when you came out onto the balcony.
”
 
He looked down and traced his finger along the patterns in the wood-grained bench.
“
You ripped my heart out that night
, you know?  On the playground
, after the finale?
 
I
t took everything I had to go on with the tour.  It was excruciating.  I looked for your face in every crowd, but eventually reality settled in and all
those people became faceless.
”

“I wanted you to have a shot at making it,” I explained.  “I did
n’t want to get in the way.” 
I paused as the truth bubbled to the surface.  “I was so scared.
  I didn’t think I was good enough for you.
” 

His head snapped around, his face stern. 
“
D
on’t
say that.  Don’t
ever, ever think you’re not good enough. 
If there’s anyone
here
who isn’t deserving,
it sure as
fuck
is not you.”

His
outburst startled me.

He took a breath and seemed to calm down. 
“Look at things from my perspective.  Here you are
, this beautiful, amazing woman.  You carry
the weight of the world on your shoulders.  You take care of everyone around you and still
somehow
keep your head above water.  Christ, you’re going for
a
Ph.D.
”  He laughed.
 
“
Do you have any idea how sexy that is?”