Fangs Rule (10 page)

The Females are forced to wear supposedly sexy 19th century night dress (huh!). It might look good on a Famula who's fixed in age with the best figures the males can find, and they're forever bouncing around the corridors without a care in the world as if they are extras in a Vampire porn movie. Personally I always go for the ones which can cover the whole body and keep you warm, flannelette is very good.

Lots of different style nightdresses are about. The Famula maids always wear the low cut ones, which means their boobs slap you in the face if they turn around too quickly.

There are no rules saying you must or mustn't wear underwear under the nightdress, so if you like the freedom then weigh down the hem of the nightdress with small lead weights. I am sure we have all discovered the "male wind" from the ventilation shafts which blows down the corridors in gusts - true to its name, the only purpose it has is to get under your nightdress.

Personally I not only wear underwear but on cold days T-shirts, jeans, a jumper, socks, and gloves. As I said before, the rules just talk about wearing the nightdress, not what is underneath!

Vampire girls have to look sexy by going around wearing transparent night dresses. Me in a see through nightie! 
showing off my girl bits to every ogling guy that passes?
Huh no way!...

Vampire or Vampyre... however you spell it, we're the top of the food chain! Our species has given meaning to the word COOL. This whole book is about Vampires (duh!) so I'll just give you a few extra facts here.

Like humans, we are a diverse species, so we have different looking Vampires in different parts of the world.

We are a very (like veeeeeeerrrryyy) old species and we've changed our looks over time to match our favorite prey, which is why we look human. Simple, isn't it?

Male Vampires are the ones that can pee standing up without getting their shoes wet!

… Er …… Well……… ok so its more like SOME male vampires can pee standing up without getting their shoes wet.

It is easy being a Male Vampire, he can go out at night with his fancy cloak blowing in the wind and take the pick of the local human girls.

But being a girl Vampire is hard work! How many times has a teenage vampire girl been told not to take a human boy upstairs as she has been bannned from taking food to her bedroom, ………ever since the incident with the curry.

Then it is the: AMY! Sit correctly, you are wearing a dress ………….. Feet on the floor and your knees together girl………. You are trying to attract a husband, ….. Not Flies!

I am a grown up full blood vampire, I can rip the head off a human and use the neck as a straw……….. Yet I still worry about some guy seeing my panties if I forget to keep my knees together when sitting down!

Yes, it is real and is a pretty flowering herb. As to being able to harm us, I have no idea, I haven't had any and I probably wouldn't risk it.

There's an odd human saying about Vampires not being able to pass running water. I think this is also said about witches, but if anyone has normal internal plumbing, then this has to be wrong,…..er……… for various really obvious reasons.

All water is a problem when wearing silk. Silk waistcoats were in fashion, and when humans tried splashing holy water around it stained the material and upset males so much that they stopped wearing them.

For us girls we have the same problem with silk blouses and scarves - these are very expensive and can use up a lot of your allowance, so you don't want some over-zealous priest throwing holy water at you as it will ruin them and you could end up catching a cold.

Still, this doesn't quite explain why humans think it can kill us! When all it does is just makes a puddle for some human to slip over on.

As a race we pride ourselves in fighting with fang and claw, but we now live in modern times so we also carry weapons for fighting each other. And as we can heal from most things, we have our swords and other fighting blades covered in silver.

These are disgusting and dangerous things like silver particle grenades and UV explosives. The human companies that make these type of things are normally taken over, bankrupted, or suffer from an accidental gas explosion which takes out about three city blocks.

I've never seen one, and no matter what the books and films say I do not want to have one as a boyfriend. OK, so long walkies in the woods may sound romantic, but just think of the fleas and shedding hair everywhere. And as for the need to give a boyfriend worming tablets before kissing him…. yuk

Werewolves also have a good sense of smell, and so it is odd that they don't wash more often! The smell of wet dog is not a turn on, no matter how desperate you are. No, not even on heat, thank you very much.

Another common belief with humans is that we all have wings. Well, we used to in the past, but that was a really long time ago. Rumors still exist in the Vampire world, saying that some races of our species still have them, but what you will find is that anyone seeing us leap long distances may think we're flying whereas we are just jumping.

It may sound cool to have wings but think of all the problems:

1 Sitting down with something the size of an ironing board strapped to your back.

2 Even if you can fold them, it will still look like you are walking about with a hump or backpack.

3 True, the books talk about using long coats to hide them, but these can get hot in summer and look odd when eating in a restaurant

4 And as to getting clothes to fit! It sounds impossible.

Forget it, and just stick to overnight flights.

OK so x is a hard one to fill... how about xoxo for hugs and kisses.

Like, uh, flying. Having wings and a tail is just a racial memory in the blood - we used to have them, but now we look like our prey, for easier hunting.

Wings and a tail sound cool until you realize that it will stop you wearing clothes, and cool turns out to mean cold, as who would want to fly about on a cold winter's night in the nude?

The fastest way of extending your fangs, just throw your head back and yawn as hard as you can. Your mouth will then be full of fangs. If this fails, it just means you are very tired and in need of a nap, so go to bed!

Somehow humans always think of zombies, werewolves and Vampires at the same time. I guess they think that we all hang out together. And just why would I want to hang out with some Zombie Guy, when you never know what bit of his anatomy is going to drop off next!