Fangs Rule (6 page)

It's not talked about much, but every girl should worry about coming on heat for the first time.

Coming on heat is when you can get pregnant. Forget the rubbish you might have heard about not getting pregnant the first time on heat - it's a popular misconception but no-one has told your body this. You're designed for breeding, and if you are within 10 feet of a male when in heat you're likely to end up pregnant!

Look out for little signs of coming on to heat such as clawing of furniture and the biting of friends, strangers, and passers by, animals, walls, carpets and furniture. Thoughtful parents at this time will notice these little signs and lock you in an empty soundproof room for a few days until you calm down.

The Helsing is named after Van Helsing the Vampire killer, and is a type of body armour.

As the humans know the best way to kill us is a stake in the heart or cutting the head off. This is what they always go for - along with garlic, which is a myth created by people wanting to sell more garlic, and and holy water, which is a myth created by the church seeking donations for repairing their roofs.

Humans are a little stupid over this. As a species Vampires are very intelligent and long-lived and it didn't take us long to work out that we live a lot longer if we can stop people sticking a sharp piece of wood between our boobs.

Helsing Armour is a metal plate which fits over the heart and is fitted as standard into clothing such as "The Hunter" and "The Fighter," or added as extra detachable plating. It is worn under the shirt of the Male, and cloaks have high metal collars so to protect the neck from a sword blow. Females can have a Helsing fitted into a bodice, or have it made to look like an ornate bra.

Helsings are always designed for positioning over the heart area of the chest to make it impossible for the wearer to be stabbed in the heart with a wooden stake. It would even stop silver bullets, swords, knives or in the case of one particular nasty killing in a Vampire film, stiletto heels. Vampires are traditionalists but we are not stupid, we've seen all the films on the subject and are normally the people who laugh in a cinema when a movie Vampire did something so stupid as to let his lunch kill him.

We all do it, but why? It's not that we are related to cats so why do we all enjoy having a good hiss? I put it down to watching too many Vampire films like 'Bride of Dracula' where the female Vampires just sit in a corner and hiss at Van Helsing as he walks past carrying a sharp bit of wood.

What ever the reason, it's natural, so if you want to hiss go ahead and enjoy it. After all, it's the only uncontrollable body noise to expel air we can make in public, without having to pretend it was the cat.

Now this is just stupid. No way would a cross or such like ever harm you, unless it was big and heavy and someone hit you with it.

Silver jewellery as well as silver crucifixes are a problem if you want to wear them, due to the silver being next to the skin. Is it really dangerous? Well, the reaction is a bit like wearing poison oak, so unless having a red itchy rash is fashionable you'd better stick to white gold.

If you are lucky your Nest will have caves set aside for bathing in natural heated springs, all very Japanese in style, and they tend to have a variety of different sessions.

Male only.

Usually with maids to help scrub their backs (a likely story! I don't think that's all they do).

Mixed Family Nights.

This is where whole families can relax naked after a good meal. Mind you, seeing my Aunt naked after a meal would give you indigestion for a week.

Female Only.

Where we find out what is really going on in the Nest. A good way to socialise (gossip) as the high level of Nest smell makes a Female very docile and so we can chat without wanting to kill each other. This is also the place were we discuss how the Nest should be run.

Private.

This is where friends can chat and soak together, usually after exercise in the tournaments. Again, due to the Nest smell this is a perfect time to relax and do a little bonding and complaining about our parents, friends, boys, and the world in general (which is personally out to get you, if you're a teenager).

The experience can be made more enjoyable by sleeping and drying off on the hot stones afterwards. Close friends try to do it often so as to build up a stronger connection and catch up on gossip.

The species we look like, but only for camouflage purposes. The Crumblies say we once had wings and a tail, giving rise to the Bat connection, but we camouflaged ourselves to look like our pray.

Human blood tastes the best and should always be taken warm.

Dating humans is not a good idea:

1. They have a very short shelf life - and life in general - so you could only have a short-lived fling.

2. Your parents will only complain about you taking food up to your bedroom

3. No matter how much black you wear, if you tell a boy you sleep in an underground vault in the local crypt then you can get some very strange looks.

4. Turning a human boyfriend only leads to trouble as he will get permanently attached to you. It may sound nice to be called Mistress at first but believe me, the novelty wears off after 50 years. Then when you try to dump him you just end up with an undead stalker.

Try and kill only as much as you can eat - sometimes your eyes are bigger than your tummy and you end up with a pile of bodies and no appetite. If that happens, try not to be lazy, and just drag a few of the corpses to one of the local blood banks. They always need fresh supplies, and you never know when you might need to stock up.

You do not have to have expensive clothing like the 'Hunter' when going out for a quick snack. You can just wear your normal clothes, and then you can take the prey by surprise. While it is looking at your legs or looking down your top you can be getting out a packet of tissues to clean yourself up afterwards.

It is very eye catching and visually pleasing for watchers to your hunting, if you wear a light flowing dress. This is always fashionable due to the fact that it rises into the air when you spin around, giving the prey and viewers a nice flash of leg. But no matter how proud you are of your family brand, in these circumstances the best thing to wear underneath is a tight fitting pair of black cycle shorts - see the movie 'Blood the last Vampire' where you can see 'Saya' leap, spin, somersault and kill without any worry of showing off her brand to strangers.

The Hunter is a set of clothing designed for going out at night for a meal. It's very strong and hard-wearing, as some of the meals object to being eaten.

Mine is made of black padded leather, under which I wear a padded bra. No, it's not to make my boobs bigger (shut up!) but to stop the metal Helsing breastplate cutting into my breasts. Believe me, having armour cutting into your delicate parts is more painful than when joggers forget to wear a sports bra.

The humans believe we can hypnotise them by just looking at them, whereas we know it's not that easy.

The truth is, we have vocal cords that can vibrate at low or high frequencies beyond the range of human hearing. Because they don't hear anything, they think we can control them by the eyes, whereas it's actually the voice.

The older you get the more powerful it is. So types of use for your voice:

Used when happy and to put others at ease, Females nearly always use it on children, when making friends, sleeping with friends, or when curled up cuddling a boyfriend.

Used by both Males and Females, hiding the relaxing tones in a song or lullaby will put a child to sleep or relax adults.

Voice control is used by Alpha Males. The controlling frequency is produced at the same time as the words spoken, and it works on young Males, Females, and animals including humans. It's hard to explain how it works as it will not relax you like the purring or singing, but if delivered with force from an old and powerful Alpha it does two things:

1. You do what ever you are told to do without thinking.

2. Makes you wish you had a change of underwear with you.

The most powerful Vampire I know is ICE's Dad.

This is just plain wrong. How do you think we put make up on?

Are we Immortal? No, just long lived. Even the turnlings only last a few hundred years. The main reason for this misunderstanding is that we don't normally die of natural causes, unless getting a stake in the heart can be called a natural cause of death for a Vampire. We tend to get killed by accident, by angry humans, by other Vampires, through carelessness, and occasionally suicide (upsetting a Vampire bigger and stronger than you are can be considered a form of suicide!)

Some Vampires, when in blood lust, can tune into a previous incarnation. They can then make use of skills gained in the past. It may sound cool to have extra help in a fight but it's the mental equivalent of sleeping with someone who eats biscuits in bed.

Another human idea is that we can not enter a person's home unless we are invited in. I guess this is partly true as it would be rude to enter anyone's home uninvited, but as to not being able to, …er …… why? …. Yes, I know this is yet another daft human idea, but then we have all seen doors with stupid humans signs on them saying "This Door Is Alarmed" - when it's a dead piece of wood, and if it was still live and growing I shouldn't think it would care or be frightened by passers-by. Humans are stupid. In my view, a human house is just a food store cupboard, next you will be saying we have to ask permission before un-wrapping a bar of Chocolate!

Yes, this is yet another problem caused by human teenagers who change in-words to out-words in a few weeks. Vampires are long lived and so believe that them doing this to us is species-ist and they all need a good biting to stop them.

When I was at a human high school I picked up all the current words of the day and I do not think it is cool to try and force me to change them now. My Uncle still talks about Flappers and things being hip - keeping up-to-date with slang is just always going to be a problem for a long-lived species. If any human points out that you're out of date with what you say, just smile then claw them to death for being rude and species-ist.