Fangs Rule (3 page)

Fully extend your claws to clean them. I make a tiger movement myself, to get them fully out, and say a loud Grrrrrr. The growl is possibly not needed, but what the heck, it's fun! Grrrrrr ….

A standard household hard bristle scrubbing brush is good with lots of soap. Then, once they're sparkling clean, apply polish. An antique dealer's ivory polish is excellent and smells nice.

Do not use nail varnish - not even black nail varnish, unless you want to look like a cat that has been digging in a litter tray.

Yes, I know our claws are naturally sharp but we should still use a block of wood as a scratching post so as to keep our fingers strong. I keep a few blocks of wood under the bed so that I can (as my Aunt calls it) "play the piano" while watching TV wildlife films. Some people say it's not ladylike to do this but my Aunt informs me that it is perfectly normal for a girl to play with herself in this way. But I do wish my Aunt would word it differently.

Climbing - Running - Leaping - Jumping - and my favourite, walking up walls (OK climbing up walls) which looks very cool but hurts like heck!

As you know, the momentum you have when you start moving will carry you forward very fast when you change your weight. Well with practice you can look super cool like they do in the movies by climbing up a wall using your claws!

You will see I have done different sections on clothes for special occasions - like the Nest Uniform, and what you should wear when in a tournament, or out at night on a hunt.

Lots of girls have asked me if it is true that it is a rule for Females to always be at the high of fashion and never to wear underwear.

First: and let me make this clear... you are a Vampire, so whatever you chose to wear will be the fashion, OK?

Second: The underwear question is only something that got started by human horror film makers who wanted to make more money and had no idea as to how cold or draughty a castle can get.

Turned Vampires (also known as undead) are fixed in time and never age, and do not need to eat or drink (apart from blood), and this is where all the confusion comes from. They normally have perfect bodies, never feel cold, or hot, never catch a cold, have firm boobies, a good looking butt, can't breed, and to put it coarsely they never need to use the washroom, Sooo … they are the ones that can get away not wearing any panties, ok?

Older Vampires always wear underwear; I know for a fact my Aunt wears bloomers that were only common 150 years ago... and she also wears a very hard-working anti-gravity bra.

Males should always wear underwear. If your boyfriend suddenly decides to go commando just tell him he looks untidy. A boy standing still naked is OK, but as soon as he walks about not all his bits move at the same pace, and it is more amusing looking than sexy. You may of heard of girls swooning (fainting) when seeing a boy naked, but I expect this was just an excuse to stop from pointing at him and getting into a fit of giggles over what they see.

I expect you have all had your mother buy you the daft present of panties with the days of the week on them, for the life of me if I didn't know what day it was I would rather ask someone than to lift my skirt to take a look! If anyone should have panties with the days of the week to remind them to change daily then it is Males not Females!

Humans think we have to sleep in a coffin, a very strange idea as there would not be room for anyone to sleep with you, have living humans ever tried to sleep in one? I don't think so. For a start, you will forget about the lid and hit your head in the morning getting up!

But if you have a nice padded one with wifi and your curtains don't block out the sun, then what the heck. If you want to sleep in one then go ahead, just make sure the lock is on the inside and it is fitted with a chamber pot.

It is odd to think that we have set colors to wear as a species, but everyone thinks of black and red when they think of Vampires. And yes, the colors are good: Black for the night and Red for blood. But just because they are Vampire colors does not mean that your whole wardrobe has to be in those colors.

A bunch of old Alpha Males who rule the place, or rather make the rules saying that they rule the place.

Being cool is what a Vampire is. There's no need to try, it is just what we are. We look cool and we act cool. I could say it is fully natural for us, if I didn't have my Aunt force me to practice for months walking around balancing piles of books on my head along with other strange exercises that in the human world would have got her locked up for child abuse!

Crumblies are the oldest of the old Vampires. Some say they are very wise, while others say they are so far gone it is hard to stop them walking about naked and telling people they are just going out to get a suntan.

this is Ice's dad, it is not the crumblies or the high council that run the nest, it is him! and yes, he does scare me!!
His name... er... I call him Lord Alpha, as I want to live!

No, do not let a Male bite you on the first date as you will be called easy or a slut. Sex is OK on a first date but try not to do it in public places, as the comments of passers by can be a little off putting for the Male. You can, of course, bite him on a first date - and he will love to show the teeth marks off to his friends.

If a Male ever says he would like to watch you as you sleep, tell him watching you as you sleep is not romantic it is creepy. When I asked my boyfriend about this he told me that if I ever let him into my bedroom, watching me sleep would be that last thing on his mind! I have a cat that watches me while I sleep and even with a cat it is still creepy... OK, with a cat it is especially creepy and I often worry when he starts licking his lips while watching me. My Aunt say this is normal with all cats but heck it's still weird.

OK, if you just want to have fun lifting your tail then go for anyone you fancy, but if you want to settle down with a mate if is always best to go for a Male that is older than you:

1. 50 - 100 years is a nice age gap.

2. An older Male will own his own Crypt.

3. Young Males go for speed while older ones try to please you... they have already discovered how sharp Female fangs can be if she is left unsatisfied.

4. Young Males think it is amusing to get drunk and drop their pants to passing werewolves, not to mention urination in public, picking their nose while eating and finding it funny to fart loudly in public. Huh! We want romance, and we already have that sort of behaviour on Saturday nights when out with girlfriends!

Yes we all go thought the same difficulties of what to wear, the wardrobe will not shut but I still do not have anything suitable, so after hours of searching in the end I decide to wear black as it will match my comfy shoes, ok so I have more shoes than a dictators wife but only one comfy pair and they are black, why comfy shoes? Well I have no idea where we are going so what the heck should I wear!

Now comes the date bag, why can't a girl just go out, and when I say a girl I mean me, why do I have to look like I'm going for a 10 day vacation and not just a night out.

So lets open the date bag and check if everything is there.

1. Cell phone fully charged.

2. Dark sun glasses

3. Packet of mints for after eating smelly food ..er … foreigners

4. Chap stick

5. Make up mirror, why take a mirror you ask, er welllll if I get ship wrecked I can use it to signal for help, look it is just needed ok….. mirrors not showing ones refection is a load of crap!

6. Packet of tissues just in case you can not find a washroom when out.

7. 100% sun block if saying out early

8. A spare pair of panties in case I sleep over ……… er not that I am planning to sleep over … er forget it ok! ……….Look I said stop giggling and forget it !!!!

9. Precautions and protection, nowadays it is not just a Guy's responsibility for protection and so a Girl should also take her own protection if needed, personally I take a can of Mace and a 10 inch kitchen knife and if that fails I sink my teeth into the neck!

10. Most important, a small travel size bag of blood ……er. well you never know when you will get the munchies.

Forget it! OK, I may sound a little species-ist what with being a Vampire and all, and we are always told off for putting werewolves down (good idea!), but some talk goes around that it would be cool to date one of these fire rugs. Well, forget it.

1 The only good you can hope to get out of a date will be long romantic walks and then you will have to watch him pissing on every tenth tree you pass.

2. Sex, they will be the only ones howling with pleasure.

3. You would have to give him a worming tablet before you kissed him.

4. At the end of a date he would not want to kiss you but hump your leg!

5. Getting real close means sharing not only a fresh kill but also his fleas and lice.

6. He will have a criminal record for being arrested for public displays of nudity, when werewolves un-were they no longer have a fur coat.

7. As to sleeping with him, Males are bad when they are just eating biscuits in bed (crumbs, yuk!) but he will shed hair and leave half a deer dripping over your best black silk sheets.

8. He will also moult, so if you have any dust allergies you will discover the only thing he will excite you to do is sneeze!

9. So when the next werewolf you meet asked do you have any werewolf in you... and when you say no he then says would you like some and gives a large grin …. BITE HIM…..HARD! ……(don't ask me why, but it is very rude, ok)