Fangs Rule (9 page)

As I have pointed out elsewhere, dating humans can be a problem. Just because they can look like a Male, they're not, they're just a nicely wrapped food supply which should be treated with respect but not romance.

You may tell your friends you love hamburgers but they will still be surprised if they find you in bed with one.

Humans are only animals, so try not to get attached to one or you will only end up hurting it. They do not have the good sense to wear a tag saying what blood group they are, so think how embarrassing it is to sink your teeth in to a human only to discover you do not like his blood type!

So there he is lying on the ground and you are straddling him with a mouth full of blood wondering if it would upset him too much it you just spat it out, well what is a girl to do? Spit or swallow? If you swallow you will end up making a strange face of someone trying not to throw up over him, so my advice is spit it out with the excuse that it is very fattening and you have just started a diet and want to stay slim for him.

Sunlight is deadly to a turnling (a human turned into a Vampire) and it is not a pretty sight to see one forgetting the time and stepping out into a nice sunny day.

True Vampire also find sunlight a problem as all races of Vampire are very sensitive to the UV radiation, and we get very bad radiation burns. Some say our species came from a different world or dimension where the sun was not so dangerous to us, and others say the herbs which give us such long life only grow in darkness, and they make the sun harmful to us.

So give up all ideas of wanting to lay out on a beach in a bikini and get a sun tan! Nowadays we have 24hr drugstores which stock all sorts of fake tan creams, again only in human fantasy films do we Vampires have to look pale and sickly as we can now have an all over fake tan. As Vampires we can go into the daylight if we are very careful, dull overcast days are not a problem but it is always best to take precautions: I suggest 100 percent sun block, anti UV sunglasses, gloves, and a hat.

It depends upon the race of Vampire that you belong to as to how much sunlight you can take. I'm lucky in that I can take UV radiation better than most Vampires, but I'm still not quite a real daywalker, as even with sun block it still gives me a terrible rash. At least acne only makes you a social leper, and is not terminal like bursting into flames.

In the past it was said that we all had tails and I bet some of you think it would be cool if we still had them. Well …….. have you thought of the problems in having a tail?

1 Cutting holes in all your pants to poke your tail through

2 If you tuck it away so it is not seen you will end up sitting on it and it will start to go numb.

3 Never being able to wear skirts or dresses for fear of flashing your panties as your tail flicks from side to side as you walk.

4 And as for someone treading on it or worse shutting a door on it - ouch!!

But even though we don't have tails any more, we still like to talk about raising them (see SEX...).

Very popular with young Females as we can show off our bodies (with very tight clothing) and skills (of fighting) to the Males watching. You wear protective clothing such as the Fighter suit, which looks like a 'kevlar' body stocking with a metal bodice to protect the heart. Even wearing the right clothing, it's still dangerous as the blood wants us to kill any competition: when someone gives you a weapon and points you towards a Female, the blood says KILL. The rules say you can not kill other Vampires while in the Nest, but if you kill her in a tournament then it doesn't' count as killing - she has committed suicide by not trying to defend herself better.

We have cable TV in the Nest and the channels we can watch are controlled by our parents. For years I thought it only ever had two or three channels - one on cartoons and the other on the hunting skills of animals. I can still do an excellent mating call of the mongoose.

I do not know why but as a race we like titles and if you watch the old Vampire films you will see the humans have noticed this as the films always showed us as Baron this or Count that.

The best way I can point out how names are built up is to demonstrate with my own name.

My old human name which I still use is Amy Mah but my full Vampire name is: Lady Amelia, Mistress of the Night Mare, and Alpha Female from the Family of the Pink Bat.

Now to break this down:

Lady: not from my age but from my rank as an Alpha and the way humans always called us lords and ladies of the night (they also called us less nice names, but not more than once).

Amelia: the full version of my name Amy, like my boyfriend Max is really Maxamillian.

Mistress: because I am a Female and have others below me (such as my maid Bambi).

Night: I'm a Vampire, a creature of the night

Mare: The creature I am is a horse. My human look is Chinese, and the name Ma or Mah is Chinese for Horse. And a female horse is a mare.

Alpha Female: is my status in the Nest.

Pink Bat: is the name of my Vampire family.

A little bit about tricks of the trade, and how we look like super heroes or at least super cool.

Forget about turning into things, what we can do with practice and weight control can be spectacular when done with nonchalance, flair and occasionally special lighting and mirrors.

Once (with the help of a correct blood diet) you have mastered your weight, everything else should come pretty naturally.

So how it is done?: I will explain

OK, we have all made the same mistake when stepping off for the first time, taking our weight to almost zero so the fall/drop/landing will not hurt us only to discover that you get blown several blocks away and usually get stuck in a tree.

In the films they wear large coats or cloaks which is correct as we need these to slow down so you can glide to the ground. The cloak traps air and acts like a brake when you have a little weight. Nature has a way of teaching us the best way to do this, and it is called death by meeting ground at speed! So be careful.

Simple, it is just claws and zero weight. You pull yourself up the wall by sinking one set of claws into the wall at the time and pulling yourself up. Ceilings take more practice as you need to grip with at least two sets of claws while moving the other two sets (one hand and one opposite foot together, get it?) This can be painful as you are hanging by your finger nails.

Take a run then lower your weight as you take the leap so that you will travel further. Hitting a wall like a cartoon character is normal when first practicing.

Move the blood to create extra mass in your arms and legs which will increase your strength.

……..er……. Wear dark clothes and keep very still.

It is all to do with voice and vibrations of sound, and fails if used in a night club, unless you can convince them to turn the music down.

Er…. Well more like very well read intellectuals as if you like books you have years and years to read them. And as to intelligence, nature has its ways of killing off the stupid ones.

What a load of crap - what are we, a circus act!? OK, just for fun, here are some of the things humans say we can do:

No, but I can only produce it, if I drink too many fizzy drinks!

Only if someone sets us on fire.

Just a racial memory going back to the days when we had wings and a tail. And we were not the sweet little ones which get stuck in your hair, we were the large ones that would take your head off as we flew past.

And just why would I want to be a wolf? We normally hate werewolves, so why we would ever want to look like one is beyond me. Fellow children of the night? I don't think so. Wolves are just large smelly dogs that want to hump your leg.

What! You must be joking. Even if I could, I don't fancy walking about looking like lunch for a stray cat.

And as to owning a castle, listening to the music of the night or playing an organ so loud the village 10 miles away can hear it, plus being raised from the dead by a drop of blood, well you often wonder what herbal remedies the authors of Vampire books are taking when they write those things in books...

Turned Human Vampires - being turned - Famula - Turnling

Turnlings are not common, no matter what the movies say. In real life meat does not turn into a Vampire just because we feed off them. Turning is not that easy to do, and besides, it's not normally allowed or we would be up to our fangs in undead.

Turnlings are normally what Hollywood thinks a Vampire is - not so much as undead but frozen in time, never aging, and just live off blood. They have the benefits (being long lived and strong) and problems (avoiding daylight and the need for fresh blood) of real Vampires, but they're not.

They are easy to spot by a real Vampire due to the fangs. Turnling teeth are like the joke teeth you can buy for Halloween, over long and extra sharp canine teeth and very good at the job of biting into a human and drinking the blood. To get an idea of the difference between Vampires' and Turnlings' fangs, see the FANGS section.

Turnlings have always had to obey real Vampires, so most turned females became Famula - a kind of long term maid. They would live forever, never ageing which I guess is why they might want to be turned, but most of the time that could only be as a servant to a Vampire family. Male turnlings do all the dirty work for us out in the world, very few male turnlings are allowed to live in the Nest.

Undead are zombies, but it's also what humans stupidly think we are. Turned humans like our Famula could be called undead.

Yes, just like humans we wear undies, it is only the maids that Walk around without Undergarments.

No where in the rule book does it say that female vampires have to go walking around without their unmentionables on, it is just a Male fantasy and what the Undead maids like doing …….. so stop asking!

Besides our underground home is so cold in winter only an Undead maid or a masochist would risk getting their butt frost bitten!

My Aunt has been a vampire for hundreds of years and she wears big baggy bloomers which were last in fashion over 100 years ago. As to my Uncle he wears long johns under his business suit and he still believes that a long black cloak with a red lining is highly fashionable!

As to other males, they should just stick with the double knitted woolen combinations to keep their boy bits warm.

As said before strict rules have been created to stop us killing each other, so a uniform was decided upon. It must have been created by Vampires who loved watching mid 20th century Vampire movies, as the Male uniform makes them look like waiters in posh restaurants... but wearing black capes with high collars. The standard shirt has puffy sleeves, so when a Male is wearing just a shirt and trousers, he can easily be mistaken for a love sick 19th century poet.